The List
by AngieB628
Summary: Jane discovers that Maura has made a list unlike any other that she'd made in the past.
1. Chapter 1

**To all those who've so graciously followed me because of SOD, thank you! But this is NOT the next installment. As I've said, I was going to take a bit of a break from that story and start something new…and this is it! So hopefully, you will all still stick with me through my new story, as well! I promise, it will NOT take me seven years to finish this one! Drop me a review. Tell me your thoughts.**

 **I wasn't listening to any music this time. Didn't need it. This story has been brewing for a while.**

 **I own nothing here…too bad because you all know where I'd have taken them.**

The List

Chapter One

Jane stood just outside of the half closed door of Maura's bedroom in her gray sleep shorts and matching cotton tank, sweat soaking it through and through, absentmindedly pulling the garment away from her chest as she tried to decide whether or not to go in. She hated it when the nightmare became too much and even while she slept, her body reacted this way, drenching her in perspiration, forcing her lungs to burn for oxygen and her eyes to fill with tears. She hated that her nose was now clogged with snot and she had to wait until her sinuses drained before she could breathe through it again. She hated that her body was shaking uncontrollably and she felt that she could vomit at any moment.

But what she hated most, more than all of the physical reactions combined, was the fact that after all of these years, Hoyt could still arbitrarily invade her dreams, turning them into nightmares, even though he was long dead, killed by her own hands. She hated that he was still able to reduce her to this emotional mess, leaving her to pull herself out the nightmare through sheer force of will, wondering if she'd screamed out loud or only in her dream.

She pushed the hair off of her slick forehead, closing her eyes, trying to slow her breathing and heart rate, begrudgingly using the technique that she and Maura had practiced so many times before together that now she was adept at doing it alone and on her own, disgusted that she still had to. This was a skill she would've rather not mastered.

' _Don't go in, Jane_.' She thought to herself, pulling air into mouth, holding for two seconds and then releasing it slowly. ' _You made it all the way over here to her house and into her guest room without waking her up_.' Breathe. ' _You can do this, dammit. Do not wake her up. You are a fucking badass homicide detective. Sack up!'_

She looked down at her bare feet in the darkened hallway, the small Boston Red Sox nightlight that Maura kept in the wall socket just outside of her bedroom door now the only light visible. She was embarrassed that Maura had felt that she had to install this thing for her and had told her so, but suddenly very grateful that she did it anyway. Also, very grateful that she would even consider it. After all, it did not fit into the décor of the rest of the house or fit the sophisticated professional woman who lived here.

' _I'll not having you breaking your neck finding your way up here in the middle of the night in that state, Jane. I don't know why you don't just come up here in the first place and skip the guest bedroom altogether when you are having nightmares. You always end up here anyway.' Maura had chastised. 'You know I don't mind you sleeping in my bed. You've done it often enough now. But until you decide to do that straightaway, the nightlight stays_.'

Jane had made this shaky walk up Maura's stairs from the guest room in the middle of the night many times now, using this little lamp as a beacon.

Jane smiled slightly, the part of her mind that could reach outside of her terror and feel relief, did.

She focused on it, continuing her breathing exercises, pulling her damp and now cold shirt away from her skin again, grimacing at how wet it still felt in her hand, the chill of Maura's air conditioning raising goose flesh all over her body. She shivered.

' _He shouldn't be able to still do this to me_.' She thought, turning and leaning her butt against the wall next to Maura's door, hands on her bare thighs, her long fingers digging into the tight muscles, loosening them. Her eyes were still focused on the nightlight and its slight glow, her head bowed, the toy plugged in just next to her calf, the two familiar red socks comforting her.

She bent at the waist and touched it's switch with her index finger, tilting her head so her unruly black mane fell to one side of her head, snapping it off and then smiling at its simplicity and innocence. Maura somehow had known that she'd had this same one as a child. Maura somehow knew a lot of things. She suspected her mother was a big source of her information and what she hadn't gleaned from Angela, her brother, Frankie, had filled in the blanks. Jane's heart swelled knowing that Maura cared enough about her to find out these little details about her childhood from her family.

Suddenly, the darkness was too much, the smile instantly gone. She quickly snapped the light back on.

Chiding herself for her childishness, she snapped it off again and stood up, her back flat against the wall, her right shoulder just brushing the gilded frame of the Basquiat original that hung there outside of Maura's bedroom. She moved her shoulder slightly away from the frame, knowing that this particular work was one of Maura's favorites…and also that it had cost more money than she made in a year. Jane had choked on her beer when Maura had innocently revealed its price tag.

The darkness of the hallway began to weigh on her, her heart beginning to race again. She quickly leaned back down and snapped the nightlight back on, its small glow soothing her once more.

She stood back up and then pushed herself away from the wall, her nerves calming and her heart rate slowly returning to almost normal, the breathing exercises working, the little light and what it represented helping most of all.

She wiped her forehead again, the sweat now dry, but her hair was still slightly damp. She looked longingly at Maura's door. She knew that if she went in, she would sleep and the nightmare's would stop, at least for tonight. She always slept better in Maura's bed, her best friend within easy reach. But she hated putting Maura in the position of being her constant savior, even if the ME herself didn't seem to mind.

 _'Don't go in, asshole._ ' She thought to herself. _'Don't even think about it. Let her sleep. Just because you are having a bad night doesn't mean that she deserves to have one, too. Walk back downstairs and get into your bed and go to sleep. Or at least fucking try!'_

Jane moved toward the stairs, placing her hand on the bannister, one foot on the top step, her jaw set.

" _I'm going back downstairs._ ' She said to herself, her heart beginning to race at the thought, her breathing increasing. ' _I'm going to leave her alone this time. He's not going to wake both of us up.'_

She looked down the stairs, the soffit light above the kitchen sink that Maura always left on for her just in case she needed to find her way into her home safely at night barely illuminating the bottom riser.

She was frozen. She couldn't bring herself to move down another step. The house was now full of shadows. Those shadows were now full of him.

She closed her eyes, trying to focus her mind, her heart hammering in her own ears again.

 _'He is dead, Jane. He is dead, Jane. He is dead, Jane_.' She repeated to herself three times, counting each time she thought it, her therapist telling her that this exercise would help her logical mind convince her illogical mind what she knew was true, the act of counting alone engaging the left side of her brain, the side that controlled rational thinking.

She took a deep cleansing breath and opened her eyes, looking down again at the bottom step.

Hoyt stood there looking up at her in his orange prison jumper, the white t-shirt under it just visible at his chest, his eyes twinkling, white wavy hair wild, his evil smile wide, blood dripping from each palm.

' _I'm waiting for you, Jane. Come down to bed_.'

Jane stumbled backward, closing her eyes tightly again, grabbing for the bannister to keep from falling, her rational mind knowing that what she was seeing was impossible, but her fragile mind that had just woken up from a nightmare involving this very man fought her for dominance. She was instantly filled with terror…again.

Tears sprung to her eyes and spilled down her cheeks as she tried to gain control of herself, desperately hoping that she hadn't woken Maura. She clenched her fists and rubbed her eyes with them.

' _Jesus, Jane! Get ahold of yourself before you wake her up!_ ' She screamed at herself, backing against the opposite wall, across from Maura's bedroom door, eyes still closed, leaning over, her hands on her thighs again.

She didn't dare look downstairs a third time. Her therapist had also told her that confronting her fears would be the first step towards conquering them, but she wasn't in the mood for confrontations right now. Not while she was alone and certainly not in the dark.

"Jane? Are you coming in?" Maura's soft sweet voice broke into her panic.

Jane's eyes flew open and she stood up straight, quickly and angrily wiping the tears from her eyes and face with her palms, trying to be quiet.

' _FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCK!_ '

Jane stood quietly against the wall, rubbing her fist against her nose, her sinuses clearing finally but at the most inopportune moment, mucus coating the back of her hand. She looked down at it and then rubbed it against her soaked tank top, not sure what else to do. She'd forgotten the little pack of travel tissues that Maura left for her in the bedside table in the guest room.

She always forgot them in her panic to get to her safe place.

"Jane, I'm awake. Please come in." Maura spoke sleepily. "I know you're out there."

Jane smiled, realizing that Maura was playing the game and loving her friend a little more for it.

It was a game that they'd started a long time ago when Maura became aware of the nightmares that sometimes plagued her best friend, at times almost incapacitating her altogether. It was a game that allowed Jane to save face and gave her time to recover from whatever had forced her into Maura's home in the first place, but still allowed Maura the option to deny Jane entrance into her bedroom and subsequently, into her bed, should she desire.

Jane could choose to answer Maura or not and Maura could choose to reply or not.

Jane waited.

"Jane." Maura repeated, sounding a little more alert. "You _are_ out there."

Jane waited.

"Am not." Jane finally replied, smiling, praying that Maura would reply.

"Are, too." She said, quickly, sacrificing her perfect grammar to make Jane feel more comfortable.

Thankfully, Maura had never denied Jane access once they'd gotten this far. Deep down, Jane knew she never would.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, smiling, wiping her eyes again, drying her hands on her sleep shorts, her tank top now so saturated that it would hardly do any good. She stepped toward Maura's bedroom door and slowly pushed it open.

R&I R&I R&I

Maura lay in her king-sized bed, her small body swallowed by the sheets, blanket and comforter, as well as by the sheer size of the bed itself. And even though the doctor had the run of the mattress...it was hers, after all, she always slept on the side closest to the _en suite_ bathroom and very near the edge, a body pillow usually pulled close, one leg thrown over it, the rest of the bed left for Jane…or whomever Jane assumed shared Maura's bed when she did not.

It had been a rare occurrence when Jane had needed Maura and her bed and had been denied, her space being occupied by someone else.

Jane never called beforehand on any of the nights when the nightmares came unexpectedly, she'd merely pulled into Maura's drive and seen another car in the space where she would normally park. On those occasions, Jane understood, but she still felt somewhat betrayed even though she knew she had no right to feel this way. She had never told her best friend of those new "feelings", uncertain if they would be returned and not wanting to risk losing their unorthodox but highly cherished friendship if Maura couldn't, or worse, _wouldn't_ , reciprocate. Maura deserved a life and even if Jane couldn't bring herself to visualize her own life without Maura in it, she would gladly suffer in silence to allow Maura happiness.

And on those occasions, Jane had parked her car down the street, out of sight, walked back the block or so and quietly let herself into her mother's apartment, which sat directly behind Maura's home, but still on her property, and then sleeping fitfully on her couch. She'd still needed Maura, but realizing that she couldn't have her on that particular night, she always felt somewhat safe and comforted knowing that the doctor was at least nearby.

Her mother never questioned waking up and finding her grown daughter asleep on her sofa. She'd even gotten used to leaving a pillow and blanket on the end of it, just in case. She knew Jane lived an unusual and stressful life because of her job. She also knew that sometimes Jane needed to be near her best friend, but not knowing the exact reason why. Jane had kept the fact that the nightmares had returned from her mother, knowing she would worry unnecessarily. Jane had reasoned that there was nothing that her sometimes overbearing mother could do to stop them, so why put her through the stress.

Angela never made a big deal of the times her daughter had shown up unannounced on her couch because she was just happy to see her independent, exasperating and often contrary eldest, no matter the motive. She would wake her gently in the morning with a hot cup of coffee and a warm breakfast, knowing that when Jane stood at the window, coffee in hand, waiting for Maura's guest to leave, that she was doing her best to support her firstborn in any way she could, not really needing a reason to do so.

To Jane's chagrin, sometimes the guest leaving Maura's house was female. During those times, jealously almost paralyzed her, even though she had no right to feel it and no justification for it. She knew that Maura was attracted to both men and women, with a leaning more towards the "fairer"sex, and had known it for a very long time. Maura was very honest about her sexuality from the very start of their budding friendship. It had never affected any aspect of how she'd treated or acted towards Maura, nor would it ever.

Until just recently. Until she'd realized that she had fallen in love with her.

Ironically, when one of her visitors turned out to be male, Jane didn't even feel the slightest twinge of jealousy. She didn't feel anything really, knowing that she could easily challenge any of them and win, given the opportunity.

However, she had absolutely no idea how to compete with a woman for Maura's attention and affection, having never felt the reason or inclination to do so in the past. But since discovering that Maura had recently began sharing her bed with women from time to time now, and realizing how she herself now felt towards her best friend, she felt that she should somehow be prepared for that eventually, even if she had absolutely no idea why she felt this way or even where to begin.

She'd never told her mother of these feelings either and was always completely unaware that she herself was sometimes being observed also, as she stood at her mother's window, watching and waiting for Maura's guest to leave.

Angela wanted Jane to figure this out on her own, uncharacteristically biting her tongue every time as she occasionally saw Jane wipe a tear from her face as she watched Maura's new houseguest pull out of her drive. She would busy herself in the open kitchen, banging around loudly on purpose as she made Jane's breakfast, allowing her only daughter the time to compose herself before serving it to her.

After she was done, Jane would shower and change, slip out of the apartment, walk down to her car and pull into Maura's drive and enter the side door, as if she'd spent the night at her own apartment across town.

Angela didn't understand this behavior, but she also knew that her daughter was a very complex and proud woman and that she must have a good reason for it, so she never brought it up. She never would voluntarily.

Jane stood in Maura's bedroom doorway, looking at her best friend lying in her large bed, lost in thought, Hoyt momentarily pushed to the periphery.

' _She seems so small. How is it that she can be so big at the same time?_ ' Jane thought, referring to how Maura could always make things seem so much better just by being present.

"Jane, you're pondering again." Maura said, sleepily. "It's late. Please come to bed."

The detective was startled from her reverie.

Jane's heart leapt at those last four words, aching for them to have another meaning other than how they were intended. Jane swallowed hard, the reason that she was standing quietly just inside of Maura's door crashing back into her mind.

He had been here. Every time she'd climbed these stairs in the middle of the night, it was because he had been here, chasing her from her own bed and pushing her into Maura's.

She tried to focus.

"I am not _pondering_." Jane knew she was caught, so she quickly walked around the bed, pulling the covers down, intending to crawl in between Maura's cool two-thousand thread count sheets, her heart still pounding, Charles Hoyt still very much fresh in her mind, his glinting eyes still boring into her from the bottom of the stairs. Maybe he was still down there…waiting for her.

Maura rolled over and spoke softly to her in the dark. "Change your top, Jane. I know it's soaked with sweat."

Jane unconsciously reached down and touched the clammy fabric, grimacing in the dark.

"And you know I don't care if you choose not to change, but I also know how much you hate sleeping in a damp night shirt." She said matter of factly, before rolling back over and pulling her legs up closer into her stomach, one leg still thrown over the body pillow, pulling the covers up over her shoulders, settling down for the night. "And you are just going to get back up and change anyway, so do it now, please."

Jane thought about ignoring Maura's astute, and quite frankly, absolutely true statement, but decided that her own comfort was more important than showing Maura that she didn't really know as much about she herself as her best friend thought she did.

"Stop being stubborn, Jane."

Jane grunted softly as she made her way to the long dresser that sat opposite the end of the bed, opening the top drawer now reserved for her own sleeping clothes and took out another shirt, gently closing the drawer, willing herself to not slam it, as badly as she was beginning to want to. She walked back to her side of the bed before beginning to change.

Jane knew that Maura had her back towards her and that the room was dark enough that even if she were facing her, she still would have a hard time making out any details, but she still felt self-conscious undressing in front of her best friend. She always had.

Maura had once jokingly called her prudish. Jane had balked and given her attitude at the time, but deep down, she knew that it was true. She wished she could be as open and confident about her body image as Maura, but she wasn't. She wasn't sure she would ever be, especially not in _front_ of Maura. Or even _behind_ her, as the case may be now.

She hooked her thumbs into the hem of the shirt and quickly, in one motion, whipped it up over her head and off, dropping it onto the floor at her feet before shaking open the clean BPD t-shirt and pulling it swiftly over her head, smoothing it down over her hips. She felt better already as she moved to get into the bed again.

"Please go put the dirty one in the hamper." Maura said, softly.

Jane stopped, her knee already on the mattress, her hands on the covers, ready to crawl into bed. She stood again, gritting her teeth, bending and swiping the soiled shirt off the carpet, and stomped towards Maura's closet where she knew in the back, against the far wall, she kept her dirty clothes hampers.

As Jane passed Maura, the doctor said calmly, "Put it into the _proper_ hamper, Jane."

Jane cut her eyes in the dark at her best friend as she walked into the closet, opened the hamper reserved for dark clothes, aggressively tossing the shirt inside, and closed the lid soundly. She stomped out of the closet and back to where she started, eyeballing Maura as she passed her again, who paid her no mind, eyes closed, arms around the body pillow and hands tucked under her chin.

Jane stood by her side of the bed waiting, her breathing hard, her lips a thin line.

"Anything _else_ I should be doing before I can lay down and go to sleep?" Jane said, hands on her hips.

Maura was quiet for a moment before answering, never opening her eyes or turning over to face Jane as she spoke.

"You sound angry. Are you angry with me, Jane?" Her voice was calm.

Jane grit her teeth again, fighting the urge to yell, gaining some composure. "No, I'm not angry with you. I am _agitated_ with you."

"But not angry." Maura stated more than asked.

Jane was trying hold her temper. "No." She said curtly.

"And definitely _not_ terrified?" Maura asked quietly, her voice soothing.

Jane's brow furrowed in confusion. _'What the fuck is she talking about?'_

"Why would I be terrifi…" She said before realization washed over her like a bucket of warm water.

She smiled at her friend, who hadn't moved a millimeter since turning over and who also knew exactly what to say and do to break through to Jane without making her feel as though she were being appeased, pitied or psychoanalyzed in any way.

"You're good." Jane said, her smile lingering.

Maura had purposefully and gently taken her mind off of the horrific nightmare that had brought her into the blonde's bedroom in the first place and without Jane even suspecting.

"Come to bed, Jane." Maura said, her voice sounding sleepy. "It's over. He's gone. You're with me now."

R&I R&I R&I

Laying quietly on her back in the dark room on her side of Maura's king-sized bed looking up at the ceiling, she realized that she'd not turned on the fan before she'd settled in. It sat idle, mocking her. She wanted it on. She _needed_ it on. If she was going to lie awake all night, she needed it's quiet steady hum to lull her, the subtle breeze it created moving cross her exposed skin.

She looked over at her bedmate, somewhat jealous of her ability to sleep so soundly. She could hear the quite respirations Maura made, a slight snore just audible at the end of each one. Jane looked back up at the fan. She knew that if she turned it on, she wouldn't have to hear it anymore. As endearing as she usually thought it to be, tonight it only reminded her that she was still wide awake and Maura wasn't.

She moved the covers off, throwing her legs over the edge of the bed, standing up. Suddenly, she was frozen, terrified that Hoyt was standing just outside of Maura's open bedroom door waiting for her, once again her irrational fears paralyzingly her.

 _'I should've closed the door._ ' She thought, rubbing her hand over her mouth. ' _He couldn't get us if I'd just closed the door._ '

She swallowed, her dry throat clicking in the quiet room, her breathing becoming short and fast, her heart pounding. A chill visibly ran up her spine.

She closed her eyes, breathing deeply, setting only one goal.

Turn on the fucking ceiling fan.

She opened her eyes and focused on Maura, who laying sleeping so soundly, using her peripheral vision and the edges of Maura's bed to guide her to the switch, walking slowly, her eyes never leaving the prone woman who was completely unaware of her dilemma. She wanted to keep it that way.

She found it and flipped it on, turning the setting to medium, the blades immediately beginning to turn above her head as she continued to focus on Maura as she quickly made her way back into the bed, sure that Hoyt was right behind her. Pulling the covers up to her chin, relief flooded through her, happy that she hadn't panicked or woken Maura up…again.

She closed her eyes, smiling, feeling the cool breeze ruffle her hair and cool her face. She took several quiet deep breaths.

' _Now I'll sleep_.' She thought, but knowing better.

She lay on her back like this for many minutes, taking more deep quiet breaths, before turning her head to look at Maura. They were in the same bed, but several feet apart. It might as well have been miles.

Hoyt still lingered. He always did.

Jane needed to be closer. She turned over onto her side, reaching her arm out, searching for Maura's back, her fingertips just touching the silky fabric of her night shirt, the warmth of Maura's body evident, her breathing still slow and steady, her sleep undisturbed.

Jane scooted herself forward so that just the tips of her fingers were able to move close enough to press into the actual firmness of Maura's back lightly. She lay like this for almost half an hour before her arm began to fall asleep and her fingers began to tingle, still no closer to sleep than she had been when she'd first laid down.

She needed more of Maura. There was nothing sexual about this need, there never had been, not under these circumstances.

Jane slid closer, until she could press her knuckles gently into the small of Maura's back, her body heat now radiating, her smell just on the edge of detection.

Jane flared her nostrils, breathing deeply, pulling it in as best as she could.

She wanted to move closer but wasn't sure if she would be allowed.

"Maura?" Jane asked quietly, her coarse voice shaking slightly.

No answer. She waited.

"Maura?"

Maura took a deep breath. "Yes, Jane?"

"Can I…I mean…can _we_ , do the thing that we usually do when I come over after a nightmare?"

Jane suddenly doubted herself and her reason for being here.

"Come here." Maura said, sleepily, holding the covers up at her waist, waiting for Jane's arm to encircle it. Maura had done this many times before.

Jane's heart soared, her insecurities immediately banished and thoughts of Hoyt dampened, but not quite put to sleep.

She slid forward eagerly and wrapped her arm around Maura's stomach, moving her body up against the doctor, molding her long frame as close as she could, her face buried in her soft hair. It smelled of juniper and citrus.

This entire thing was only slightly sexual now, underlying and barely acknowledged, unavoidable given Jane's new attraction. The majority of Jane's reasoning to move this close to her best friend was because she needed the calmness and peace that Maura always seemed to bring into her own mind after the night terrors. She needed her strength and confidence. And tonight, she also needed some information.

"Maura?"

Maura sighed heavily, her own agitation at being woken up so many times beginning to show.

"What is it, Jane?" She said curtly.

Jane could hear the change in Maura's voice and hated that she was the reason for it, but she had to continue, needing to know the answer to the question she was about to pose.

"Is this weird for you?" She paused, considering her next words. "I mean, is this what best friends do with each other? I don't want this to be weird."

Maura was quiet for a while and Jane thought that maybe she'd gone back to sleep. But then she spoke, having considered her words carefully, as Maura was known to do.

"I can only answer your question from my own experience. And since you are the only best friend I've ever had in my entire life, then yes, this is what best friends do with each other. And no, it doesn't feel the slightest bit weird for me." She said matter of factly. "How does it feel for you?"

Jane smiled into Maura's hair. "It makes me feel safe." She hesitated. " _You_ make me feel safe."

"Then why are you so worried that I'll think it's weird?" Maura inquired, a smile evident in her voice, knowing that Jane wasn't one to divulge information about her own feelings very easily, if ever. Maura felt privileged every time Jane allowed her a small peek inside of her heart.

Jane was suddenly quiet, struggling with her feelings, her heart beginning to race.

' _Tell her!_ ' Her subconscious screamed at her. ' _Now is your chance! She's asking you this for a reason!_ '

She closed her eyes, a lump forming in her throat. She knew she wasn't going to confess her true feelings and it was killing her. There was just too much at risk.

"Jane?" Maura asked, turning her head towards her best friend but the angle was too great so she settled for looking at the ceiling instead.

Jane swallowed over and over, forcing the tears and the lump in her throat away before she answered.

"Because I need you and not just because of... _this._ I don't want to scare you off. _You_ are the only one that I trust completely with my…problem." Jane paused. "And you are the only one who's ever been able to scare _him_ away so he'll let me sleep."

Maura took Jane's hand and moved it up in between her own breasts, holding it close to her chest. She'd never done this before.

"Okay, now you just made it weird." Jane deadpanned.

Maura chuckled, but then she became quiet and Jane sensed she had something to say.

"This makes _me_ feel safe." She said, squeezing Jane's hand, the small scar on the back of it just barely noticeable under her thumb as she stroked it. "Does this feel weird for you?"

Jane squeezed her hand back. "Absolutely not." She whispered.

"Good. Then let's try to get some sleep." Maura said softly. "We have a lot of work to do with the Lattimore case tomorrow."

Both were quiet for a while and Jane was sure that Maura was asleep and she herself was starting to drift.

Then Maura whispered softly, almost imperceptibly, as if she were talking in her sleep. "Stop fighting this, Jane."

Jane was confused, pulling herself back from her slight doze, unsure if she'd even heard Maura speak or if she'd dreamed it.

"What, Maura?" She asked quietly. "Stop fighting what?"

No answer. Maura was asleep again, her little snores beginning. Before Jane could analyze and overthink Maura's sleepy words, she closed her eyes and almost immediately joined her. It had been a long night.

R&I R&I R&I

 _Maura hovered just above her face, moving close then slightly away, over and over. She could feel her warm breath on her face, Maura's mouth slightly open, her tongue pushed against her top teeth. Her beautiful eyes were closed, her brow slightly furrowed, concentrating. Her forehead was damp with perspiration._

 _Jane reached up and pushed her honey-blond hair off of her forehead, pulling Maura down, kissing her deeply, Maura's wet tongue pushing into her own mouth as she greedily sucked on it. She slowly became aware that they were both nude, Maura straddling her hips, her full breasts barely grazing her own, the pink nipples hard and teasing. The hand not on her lover's face was grasping her ass as Maura moved on top of her, grinding her warm slick wetness down into her own center. She pushed herself up to meet each roll, her clit throbbing with the pressure and friction that Maura was creating._

 _Both of Maura's hands were pushed into the pillow on either side of her head, fingers grabbing handfuls of it as she used it for leverage. She was making small grunting sounds every time she ground down into her own middle._

 _Maura broke the kiss as her breathing increased, her orgasm building. Jane watched wide-eyed as she pushed up into the glorious heat that was moving faster now across her own clit, Maura squeezing her eyes closed tighter, obviously enjoying the sensations that Jane was creating for her._

 _'Oh, God, Jane! I'm so close! Don't stop!' She whispered into her ear, her breath hot now._

 _Jane was aware that she too was very close, the feeling of Maura's weight and movement pushing her to the edge. She held back waiting for her best friend._

 _WAIT! Something wasn't right! Maura was her BEST FRIEND! She shouldn't be doing this with her BEST FRIEND! She tried desperately to stop the inevitable but it was far too late for that!_

She crashed over the edge, moaning Maura's name loudly as she came.

Jane's eyes flew open, her groin still in the throes of a hard orgasm, pulsing with each wave, her hands flying to her mouth, praying that she hadn't actually moaned out loud, her breathing rapid, her body once again covered with sweat, but this time for an entirely different reason.

She quickly assessed her surroundings, trying desperately to get her breathing under control, riding her uncontrollable orgasm out. She was obviously still in Maura's bed but thankfully she had rolled away from the doctor in the night and now lay on her back, her shoulder just barely touching her bedmate.

Maura hadn't moved at all. She still lay on her side, facing away from Jane, arms still holding the body pillow, leg still thrown over it.

Jane listened to the doctor's breathing trying to ascertain whether or not she was sleeping or just faking it to spare Jane the embarrassment. Jane still didn't know if she'd actually moaned aloud in her sleep.

' _Please God, let her still be asleep. And please don't let me have moaned enough to have woken her up. And if I did, please, please, please don't let me have said her name!'_ Jane prayed silently as she listened for any sign that Maura was really awake.

Maura's breathing was slow and deep, but to Jane's horror, there was no sweet little snore at the end of each breath. She tried frantically to remember if Maura sometimes _didn't_ snore when she slept. Her mind was blank.

 _'Oh my God! She's awake! She heard everything!_ ' She automatically jumped to the worst case scenario, her pessimistic nature rearing its ugly head.

She dropped her hands back to her sides and waited for Maura to say something, her mind a flurry of plausible explanations and excuses that she kept rejecting, knowing that if it wasn't good enough, Maura wouldn't buy it.

 _'Just tell her how you feel, Jane!'_ Her subconscious offered up into the mix. ' _Tell her how you truly feel about her! Now's your chance to get it out there and off your chest!'_

Her mouth went dry at the prospect, her heart hammering harder against her ribcage and thrumming in her ears. She wished she was sure of the time, the room still dark, but knowing that if it was even remotely close to the time for the alarm to go off, then Maura had heard everything.

Maura always woke up at least ten minutes before the alarm was set to sound, her routine as predictable as the sun rising. She would lay in bed, slowly waking herself up, meditating and projecting positive thoughts and good vibes through her brain and then promptly as the alarm blared, she would reach over and turn it off before it had even sounded for a millisecond. And she most definitely never used the snooze feature.

Jane doubted that she even knew how to program the snooze feature on her phone.

Jane, being completely the opposite, used her snooze religiously to trick her mind into believing that she was getting more sleep than she actually was, usually tapping it a minimum of four times each morning before finally dragging herself out of bed.

Maura, having stayed overnight at Jane's apartment many times, had once called her out on it.

' _You know, Jane, that you are actually losing sleep when you do that to your brain.' She'd explained with a smile one morning as Jane stood in her small kitchen, head propped up in her hands as she leaned on the counter waiting for the coffee to brew. She turned her tired eyes on Maura, who stood opposite her, totally put together and ready for the day ahead, having still used her daily technique to rouse herself from sleep, even though she had spent the night in Jane's bed._

 _Jane had blinked slowly once, clearing her throat, pushing her still wet hair to one side of her head, rubbing her eye with the same hand._

 _'Do tell, Doctor.' She said, her husky voice more raspy than usual, haven't not been used for the past seven hours as she slept._

 _Maura, not one to pick up on sarcasm very easily, happily explained, excited when Jane was interested in any scientific facts that she had to contribute._

 _'Well…' she began in earnest, using her hands as she explained. 'Every time you hit the snooze on your phone, you are interrupting the brain waves that are working so hard to get you back into R.E.M. sleep, the optimum resting phase for the human brain. So your brain has to restart this process every time the alarm breaks the cycle. And just as your brain is settling into its rhythm, the alarm interrupts the cycle again, short-circuiting the release of melatonin and…'_

 _'Coffee's done!' Jane interjected, lifting the carafe from the heating element and pouring it into the waiting mug. She looked over at Maura, who looked slightly dejected that she couldn't finish her thought, but her eyes bright and holding no malice, a small smile on her face, her hands settling on the countertop._

 _She was used to being interrupted by Jane._

 _'Good talk, Maura. Coffee?' Jane proffered the mug she'd just filled toward her best friend, her brown eyes twinkling, her dimples evident._

 _Maura smiled, accepting the mug, Jane's interruption forgotten. 'Thank you.'_

 _Jane winked, laughing. 'You're welcome.'_

 _Jane realized later that morning, standing in front of the "murder board" at headquarters, trying to connect the dots on a new case, that it was at that instant...that innocent moment in her kitchen...that sweet understanding smile that Maura gave her...that her feelings for her best friend were beginning to change, evolving, growing into something more than just platonic._

Suddenly, a small familiar sound pulled Jane from her memory.

Maura began to snore.

' _Thank God!_ ' Jane thought, closing her eyes, relief washing over her. Maura had been asleep through the whole thing.

She rolled back over and moved her body close to Maura again, her motives slightly different than the last time she'd done this several hours earlier. She didn't move her hand over Maura's hip, however, somehow feeling that she would be violating her trust, having not been invited to touch her so intimately. Being so close to Maura was enough. Instead, she curled her hands up under her own chin, her forearms resting in between Maura's shoulder blades.

Maura sighed sleepily, pushing herself back into Jane, lifting the covers at her hip.

Jane smiled and gladly moved her hand around, resting it on the doctor's toned stomach. Maura didn't pull it up between her breasts this time, but she did lace her fingers through it, squeezing once before fading back into full slumber.

And for that little gesture, Jane was elated. They both slept the rest of the night undisturbed.

 **Well, there it is, y'all! The start to my new story. Hope you enjoyed it so far. Let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the faves and follows everyone! And double thanks for all those that took the time to review! I love that! It's like my birthday every time I open my e-mail and see your encouraging words! Now it'll be more like Christmas! And yes, I still haven't alluded to this mysterious "list" yet, but to those who've read my other two stories, you might see a pattern. I want the reader to be invested in the story and the situations that I've put our beloved characters in before I reveal the reason for the title.**

I own nothing but my story.

The List

Chapter 2

Jane came thumping down the stairs in her socked feet, buttoning her dark red shirt up to the middle of her chest, adjusting the collar and then making sure it, and the white tank top she wore underneath, were both tucked in all the way, shoving her hand down her pants at the small of her back, using her fingers to smooth everything out. She buckled her belt as she reached the bottom step, double checking that the zipper was up all the way, before she walked towards the kitchen.

Maura stood smiling, watching this dance with amusement, having seen it many times before.

Jane's hair, still damp from the shower, framed her face as she made her way into the kitchen, tired eyes finding Maura stirring sugar into a cup of coffee, adding just the right amount of cream at the end before sliding it towards her best friend.

"There you go. Careful, it's hot."

Jane smiled gratefully. "Thanks." She rasped, blowing on it vigorously before taking a healthy sip, wincing as it burned her tongue, grateful that Maura didn't give her shit about the amount of sugar she took in it, preparing it perfectly for her. It had been a long night and she'd only slept about half of it.

Maura smiled back, shaking her head at Jane, looking as alert and crisp as ever, dressed in a frock that hugged her curves in all the right places, a fact that Jane was noticing more and more since she'd realized her new feelings towards the CME. But somehow, as enticing as she looked, her dress still maintained her absolute professionalism. It was almost the same color as Jane's shirt, cinched at the waist with a black alligator belt, a brushed nickel buckle accenting the color of her dress. Jane couldn't see her shoes, since the island separated them, but she was certain that they would complement the ensemble perfectly.

She wore her shiny, silky hair down around her shoulders, just the way Jane liked it best.

The detective sometimes wondered if Maura wore it this way on purpose now, wracking her brain constantly, trying to remember if she'd ever mentioned to the doctor at some point previously in a recent forgotten conversation how it accented the green in her eyes when it was down.

Or if Maura just wore it this way so much now because she liked it that way, too. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking on Jane's part.

Jane sipped her coffee again, lost in thought. She'd been doing a lot of that lately…getting lost in thought.

Maura always noticed.

She dropped the spoon into the dishwasher, watching Jane, concerned.

"Are you okay?"

Jane mustered her bluster, standing tall, sipping the hot liquid again.

"Sure." She said, smiling, it never quite reaching her eyes. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Maura took this for what it was. Jane might ask for comfort, contact or outright help after a nightmare, but in the bright light of day, it was as if none of that had ever happened. It broke Maura's heart to watch her best friend suffer, so she pressed gently, her concern for Jane's well being overriding the line she was delicately told in the past not to cross.

"Have you spoken to Dr. Kamara about your returning nightmares, Jane?"

Jane abruptly sat the mug down on the granite countertop hard, her eyes focused on the caramel colored liquid sloshing around inside of it. She clenched her jaw over and over, the muscles visibly straining, her breathing increasing slightly.

She looked up finding Maura's caring concerned eyes, holding them, her flaring temper soothed somewhat.

"No, I haven't, Maur." Jane finally answered, using her nickname for her best friend, reserved for certain situations, this being one of them. "I'm not ready for that yet. If it gets unbearable...like the last time…I will."

Maura stared back into Jane's eyes, reaching across the island and gently touching her wrist. "Promise me, Jay." Maura used her own nickname. "Promise me if this starts to affect your waking life as much as it has started affecting your sleeping life, you'll go see her."

Jane looked down at Maura's hand as she gently squeezed her wrist, not willing to answer right away.

"You carry a gun, Jane." Maura said, rubbing her thumb across the soft olive skin of Jane's lower forearm. "This could get dangerous. If you don't do it voluntarily, I'll play the doctor card. And you know where that leads. No gun. No field work. Desk duty. It goes in your jacket. And required visits to Dr. Kamara anyway. So promise me."

Jane knew what that meant and she looked back up, finding Maura's eyes again. She licked her lips and took a deep breath.

"I promise." She said, begrudgingly.

Maura smiled, knowing that Jane never took giving her word on anything lightly. She squeezed Jane's wrist again once hard before releasing it, and to Jane's relief, dismissed the last five minutes of their conversation altogether.

Jane hated showing weakness and she loved that Maura instinctively understood that.

Maura changed the subject entirely.

"You really should blow dry your hair in the morning. It's getting your shirt wet." Maura said, sipping her own cup of coffee again, moving the conversation forward.

Jane looked down and, sure enough, at the tips of her hair, where gravity naturally pulled the excess moisture, there were dark spots dotting her shirt. No matter how long or thoroughly she towel dried her hair, this always happened. She looked up at the ceiling and sighed heavily.

"I don't have time, Maura!" She said, pulling her hair into a quick ponytail, holding it with one hand, and then looking around the room with her other hand held open, presumably searching for a hair tie.

"In the credenza." Maura pointed to the long table that sat behind the sofa, directly behind the detective, shaking her head and chuckling at the spectacle that was Jane in the morning. "Middle drawer. And if you would just get up when your alarm went off instead of thirty-six minutes later, you _would_ have time." She was referring to the nine minute intervals that Jane had set for her snooze, knowing also how many times she usually used it.

Jane turned and pulled the drawer open, realizing that it was filled with various hair ties, all her own. Ashamed, Jane understood that this must be Maura's stashing point when she found one laying around her house. Jane winced internally, suddenly realizing that she was guilty of taking them out of her hair and just laying them down wherever, immediately forgetting about them. She made a mental note to stop doing that. She also made a mental note to thank Maura for putting up with her ridiculous and insensitive fuckery.

Maybe she would send her some flowers. Maura was partial to tulips.

Jane hastily maneuvered the tie through her unruly mane, closing the drawer, turning to face Maura, pulling it tight. She needed to address the whole snooze thing.

"Look!" Jane said sarcastically, returning to the island, picking up her mug again. "If that is a habit that not even my _mother_ could break me of throughout middle _and_ high school, there is no _way_ you're going to! So stop harping on it, okay? I love the snooze." She said, unapologetically.

"Deal with it." She sipped her coffee, looking at Maura over the lip of the mug, challenging her to drop it.

Maura smiled sweetly again and tilted her head knowingly, giving Jane her "challenge accepted" face, never speaking a word aloud.

Jane's eyes widened. "No! Don't _even_ , Maura! I mean it! You know I don't sleep enough as it is! You just said so yourself! I'm too old to be learning some new crazy sleep regimen, drinking herbal tea before bed and popping those melatonin pills you're always taking at bedtime, doing sleepy time yoga and shit, or whatever the hell else you're going to have me doing!" She sat her mug down soundly on the counter again, narrowing her eyes at her friend. "I'm not going to do it!"

Maura smiled, closed her eyes briefly and shrugged, silently telling Jane that it was too late, she'd already made up her mind.

Jane took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she growled at the ceiling. She huffed and swiftly turned around, her ponytail swinging wildly, stomping into the foyer, opening the drawer to the table that sat there, taking her badge out and gruffly clipping it onto her hip. She then took out her gun, removed it from its holster, checked that it was in working order, quickly and thoroughly going through the various motions. She then shoved it back into the holster with authority and then clipped it on the same hip just behind her badge, snapping the holster closed, adjusting it until it was comfortable.

Maura watched this diligent routine silently, having seen it countless times before. With the final decisive action of snapping her holster closed, she saw the affable, tender-hearted but stubborn woman that she knew as her best friend morph into the confident, cocksure, take no prisoners, homicide detective right before her very eyes.

She compared this transformation to a movie Jane had made her watch once, shocked and dismayed that Maura had never seen it before. The protagonist had began his own transformation by taking off his glasses and opening his proper button down shirt revealing a big letter "S" on his costume underneath. That is who Jane reminded her of each time she solidly snapped the holster closed…Superman.

A twinge of arousal spiked through her belly, her pupils involuntarily dilating slightly. She blinked and took a quiet deep breath.

Jane closed the drawer soundly and then walked back into the living room, scanning the floor aimlessly, brow furrowed, leaning over and discreetly looking under all the furniture.

And just that quickly, _her_ Jane was back. Maura giggled quietly, sipping her coffee again.

"They are probably in the guest room next to the bed where you took them off last night." Maura said, smiling, knowing that Jane always kept spare work clothes at her house, but she only owned one pair of work boots.

Maura had tried to get her to replace her old boots, or at the very least, supplement them with another pair that she could keep here at her house, but Jane had resisted, claiming that hers were still good and she didn't need two pair.

The doctor had even offered to buy her another pair of boots, but Jane had gotten almost angry at Maura for insinuating that she couldn't afford a new pair herself. The doctor hadn't meant for it to come across that way, sometimes forgetting that Jane was very proud of her blue collar upbringing and wore that pride on her sleeve, very easily ruffled. Maura had apologized profusely and had never brought it up again.

Jane later apologized for overreacting and they both had come to a mutual agreement. Jane would never ask Maura for anything but if Maura felt the uncontrollable urge to give her something, Jane wouldn't fly off the handle and accuse her of throwing her money around.

Two weeks later, a brand new pair of boots were delivered to Jane's apartment. But shortly thereafter, and to Maura's exasperation, Jane just threw the old one's out, so now she was back to the one pair between the two houses. Maura realized then, that Jane would always find a way to get her point across to her best friend. She didn't order Jane a second pair.

Now, Maura was always amused at the way Jane looked, on the rare occasion that she was still awake when the detective showed up late at her house on a week night. She'd be wearing sweats and a t-shirt, sometimes a light jacket, depending on the weather, and sporting her new black work boots on her feet.

"I don't know why you do this." Maura had commented over and over, eliciting the same response from Jane each time.

"I don't know why you did _that_." She would say, essentially telling Maura to keep her money to herself.

Maura watched quietly as Jane still walked around the living room looking for her boots, before realizing that Maura was right, internally retracing her previous steps from the night before.

"In the guest room." Maura reiterated affably. "I'm sure that's where you'll find them." She said with no hint of sarcasm, sipping her coffee again.

Jane turned and looked at Maura, narrowing her eyes again, then stomping off towards the guest room, saying over her shoulder jokingly as she went. "You know, Maura, nobody likes a know-it-all."

Maura smiled to herself, watching the retreating form of her best friend, whispering softly under her breath, before sipping her coffee again. "I think I know _somebody_ who does."

R&I R&I R&I

Frost looked around his computer monitor at his partner, who sat staring at her own monitor, chin propped up in her hand, eyes glazed.

She was incessantly clicking a ballpoint pen over and over and had been for the past several minutes.

"Jane." He said, getting no response.

He tried again, his tone a little more stern. "Jane."

Still nothing.

 _Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick_

"Jane!" He bellowed, through gritted teeth, his eyes boring into her.

She jumped, the clicking stopping immediately. " _What_?! Shit, Frost!"

"Stop doing that!" He said, leaning over his desk closer to her, lowering his voice but his tone still severe.

She looked confused as well as slightly angry. "Stop doing _what_?!"

He picked up his own pen and began clicking it in the same annoying manner, over and over, staring directly at her.

Understanding flooded her face and she softened her features, dropping the pen onto her desk, closing her eyes. She took a deep breath, cricking her neck to the side, popping it loudly, and then leaning forward onto her elbows, covering her face with her hands, rubbing her eyes with her fingertips, sighing loudly.

Frost knew something had been bothering his partner for a while now, but knew that Jane wouldn't tell him what it was until she was ready, if at all. He sensed that now might be the time to ask.

"What's wrong, Jane?" He asked quietly, still leaned over his desk towards her, scanning the room as he spoke, knowing that if anyone overheard him, there would be no chance of getting any kind of answer from the guarded and very private detective. "You look tired."

Jane finished rubbing her eyes, pulling her fingertips towards the outer corners of them, pulling them down as she slid her hands down her cheeks. She sighed loudly, dropping her hands heavily to her desk, leaning towards him.

"Thanks." She deadpanned, tiredly. "Just the look I was going for."

Frost smirked, leaning back in his chair, getting the exact response he had been expecting. He prepared to drop it, knowing that Jane wasn't going to budge, turning his attention back to his computer, flipping through the open file on his desk, shaking his head, still smiling.

Jane surprised him with her next words.

"You wanna grab some lunch?" She looked at her watch, making sure that it was actually close to midday. She'd lost all track of time. "I'm buying." She added.

Frost looked up at Jane, mock astonishment in his eyes. He pointed to his own chest, looking around the squad room.

"Me?" He said, making wide eyes at her. "Are you talking to _me_?"

Jane leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest, smirking at him, allowing him his fun.

Frost continued with the show, discreetly, not drawing any more attention to their two desks than wouldn't be drawn on a normal day.

Jane could be very demonstrative. The squad was used to it. They paid them no mind.

Korsak only looked up once from his desk, smiling and shaking his head, dismissing the kids and their games. He was just glad that Jane appeared to be having a bit of fun. She'd seemed so off lately.

"Are my ears deceiving me or did the notoriously cheap Det. Jane Rizzoli just invite me to lunch and say she would pay for it?! Where are we going? The hot dog vendor in the park?"

He laughed heartily, clapping his hands once. "I hear he's got a two for one special after twelve-thirty."

"Keep it up, smartass and I'll rescind my offer." Jane said, reaching into her desk drawer and taking out her wallet, standing. She tucked it into the inside pocket of her jacket which hung on the back of her chair and then swung it over her shoulder. "And I'm not cheap! I'm _frugal_! At least that's what Maura says."

Frost sat waiting for the punch line, thinking that she had to be kidding.

"Well, come on!" Jane said, impatiently gesturing for him to stand and follow her. "Before I change my mind."

She needed to talk to Frost about the nightmares and, if that went well, about these new feelings that were now beginning to invade her dreams, and also now consuming most of her waking thoughts, as well. If she continued on this path without some outside input, she felt as if her head would explode from the pressure of trying to hide them. And she trusted Frost and valued his opinion.

She walked briskly out of the squad room, her long gait making quick work of the distance.

He jumped up, grabbing his own jacket off the back of his chair and caught up with her as she punched the button for the elevator, turning and smiling at him as he hastily put it on.

" _Damn_!" She laughed. "Are you that hungry or what?"

He smiled at her slyly. "Yes, I am. And you treating? I'm about to clean up." He said, rubbing his stomach.

They both laughed as the elevator doors opened.

Frost paused before stepping in, letting Jane on first, then standing next to her, punching the button that would take them to the lobby, hoping his hunch was right. "But I really just want to know what's going on between you and the Doc."

Jane's eyes widened but she held her tongue, jaws clenched tight, the doors closing in front of her.

R&I R&I R&I

They sat opposite one another, eating in relative silence. Jane hadn't said anything about his comment and quite frankly, it was beginning to worry him. Had he been way off base, she would have immediately pounced on it and set his mind right.

But she hadn't said a word about it. Not one.

They had spoken very little since he'd voiced it and now, feeling the tension that had settled between them, he was beginning to regret it altogether. He was hoping that she would either deny or confirm the rumors that had been floating around Headquarters since Dr. Isles had taken over for Pike _years_ ago, but she did neither…confirm or deny. He wanted to make it right, but wasn't quite sure how.

He didn't want to seem insensitive to the situation if, in fact, she and Dr. Isles were…involved, but if they weren't and Jane's recent distraction was something else, he needed to know. She was his partner, after all. They depended on each other and not just with their trust, but with their lives.

He was almost sure that Dr. Isles had been the root of Jane's recent faraway behavior, her bloodshot eyes and lack of enthusiasm for the pursuit of justice that was her calling card. Jane hadn't been sloppy with her police work by any stretch, but she wasn't herself and, of course, her partner had noticed it right away.

He thought that maybe they had _finally_ gotten together and that she was _finally_ sowing her oats, the two of them keeping themselves occupied and busy, resulting in Jane's recent lapse in concentration. His instincts told him that he was right, but Jane's reaction, or _lack_ of a reaction, to his comment made him doubt his theory. He needed to know what was going on with her and if she didn't bring it up soon, he would.

He waited patiently during the drive as Jane expertly weaved her way through noonday Boston traffic, going over his questions in his mind, working on how to bring the whole situation up in casual conversation. He also knew that there was a reason that Jane had asked him out to lunch in the first place and if it wasn't to confess her love for Dr. Isles, then he had to figure out why.

He wasn't just jumping to conclusions while he formed his opinion. Jane and Dr. Isles had been almost attached at the hip for the past few weeks, even more than usual.

Regardless, Det. Jane Rizzoli was not herself and had not been for a while. He needed to delicately get to the bottom of this. If he used a heavy hand, Jane would shut down, closing him out, rejecting any further attempt.

Sometimes figuring Jane out was like walking through a minefield. He wouldn't have it any other way. She kept him on his toes…a good place for the partner of Jane Rizzoli to be. She commanded that respect.

They had ended up at the Dirty Robber, Jane giving several different suggestions, but emphasizing how much she loved their burgers, so, since she was paying, Frost had agreed, knowing that no matter where they ate lunch, he really needed to apologize for his misstep.

He and Jane were more than just partners at BPD, they were family.

He was about to speak when Jane beat him to the punch.

"The nightmares are back." She said abruptly, focusing on her plate, moving her side salad around with her fork, her cheeseburger only half eaten.

The fact that she'd even ordered a salad instead of the usual large portion of greasy fries that she would normally opt for to accompany her burger a testament to the ME's considerable influence in her life now, bolstering his theory as to why they where here in the first place.

He sipped his soda, watching her with his light brown eyes, waiting to see if she would continue. When it was obvious the she wasn't going to, he the set the glass down and spoke, twirling the crushed ice with the straw slowly, this new revelation taking him aback. He'd never considered this a possibility, Jane having overcome her past struggles with these demons, or _demon_ , as it were, a long time ago. If he didn't see this coming, maybe he was mistaken about Maura, as well.

"How long?"

Jane hadn't met his eyes since she'd confessed. She dropped her fork onto her plate, pushing it away from her, leaning back in the booth, moving her hands into her lap, still focusing on the plate in front of her. She took a deep breath and then looked up at him.

"About two months."

Dark chocolate eyes met caramel.

"Jesus, Jane. That long?" He said, shaking his head. "No wonder you look like shit."

"Gee, thanks, partner." She mock smiled. "Now why don't you tell me how you really feel. Twice in one day."

His eyes softened. "You know what I mean, Jane." He paused before asking. "Have you gone back to the shrink?"

Jane shook her head. "Not yet."

"Are you going to?"

Jane thought about her next words. "If they don't stop soon, yes."

She looked back down at her plate again. "They're getting…" she shook her head, leaving the sentence hanging.

Frost knew he was gonna have to ask this next question at some point, but considering the chilly response he'd gotten from Jane the last time he brought up the subject, he wished he could put it off. He forged onward, hoping he could sneak in his apology if she responded favorably.

"Does Dr. Isles know?"

Jane's eyes shot up at the mention of Maura.

' _Don't bite his head off, Jane._ ' She thought to herself. ' _It's a perfectly legitimate question. He deserves an answer. And while you're at it, why don't you unburden yourself and tell him how you feel about her. You can't hide this forever.'_

Seeing her reaction, Frost held his hands up in front of him. "I'm sorry if that was out of bounds, but if she doesn't know, you should tell her, Jane." He dropped his own hands into his lap. "She really cares about you."

' _Oh, for fuck's sake, Jane! Just tell him!_ " She thought, resigning herself, her heart beginning to beat faster at the sheer gravity of what she was about to do.

She nodded. "She knows. She's already threatened to red card me if it gets any worse and I _don't_ go see the shrink." She paused, considering her next words, not quite ready to completely come clean. Feeling out the situation was one of the things that made her such a great detective.

"Where do you think I go when it gets too bad for me to be alone, Frost? I spend at least two nights a week over at her place now." She looked away, finding a point across the room to focus on, her jaw clenching. "Sometimes more. She's the only one that can chase him away. It's like he's scared of her or something." She smiled at the thought.

Frost smiled with her, loving the awkward but soft-hearted CME a little bit more for standing up to Jane, making sure she was taken care of, even if Jane couldn't or worse, _wouldn't_ , do it for herself.

He became serious, his apology long overdue now.

"I'm sorry for that little crack I made earlier about you two being…" He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the statement. "It's none of my business and I know better than to assume anything about your relationship with the Doc. It's just that I've been hearing the rumors for so long that I jumped to conclusions. And it seems that I jumped to the _wrong_ conclusions."

Jane furrowed her brow. "What rumors?"

His heart lurched up into his throat.

' _Oh, shit, Barry!_ ' He thought quickly. ' _She doesn't know. You fucking idiot. Wait! How could she_ not _know?!_ '

All this time, he just thought she'd been handling it really well. In hindsight, he should've known better. Jane didn't mind when people called her unsavory names and sometimes joked about her sexuality. She'd been putting up with that for years. She was a highly decorated female detective in a mostly all male precinct in an almost all male profession, after all. But he knew that it would be a different story altogether if someone were to belittle Maura or besmirch her name in any way.

There would be hell to pay if Jane thought that someone were even _contemplating_ doing anything that would cause the doctor the slightest bit of discomfort or pain. He'd seen it first hand in the past, which probably only reinforced people's belief that they were sleeping together.

He suddenly realized he had one of two options. He could play it off, laughing about the whole thing, minimizing the gossip that had truly been going on for years, but he knew that she would immediately go to Korsak and ask him about it, which he was sure she was going to do anyway. And in the end, Korsak would give her the actual truth, as hard as it would be for her to hear and accept.

Or he could just bite the bullet and be honest with her upfront, telling her some of the harsh things that had been said behind her back, especially right after Dr. Isles first accepted the position and everyone saw how well they took to each other from the start.

"Frost!" Jane said, her eyes wide. " _What_ rumors?" She asked, even though she had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that she already knew what he was going to say. Maybe she hadn't been hiding her feelings as well as she thought she had been.

He hesitated, deciding to go the honesty route. She was going to find out soon enough now.

"Well…people have been talking about you and Dr. Isles…being a couple." He said, looking her directly in the eyes, watching as she took a quick breath and held it. "Well, not really a _couple_ , per _se_."

He hesitated again.

Jane was becoming impatient and as much as she didn't want to hear what he was telling her, she needed to hear it.

"What does that mean, not ' _per se_ '?" She asked, licking her dry lips.

He hesitated still, hating to have to be so vulgar.

"Dammit, Frost! Just tell me! All of it! I'm a big girl! I can handle it."

"They've been calling you both fuck buddies." He said, grimacing, his heart aching a little at having to be the one to say the actual words, knowing the damage they were going to do to Jane's ego and sense of honor. She was never one to have casual sexual relationships and even if she were, she would never entertain doing that with Dr. Isles. She respected her too much.

Jane leaned forward slowly and put her elbows onto the table, covering her eyes with her hands, grimacing, her mind immediately going to Maura, a long slow groan escaping.

"Does Maura know?" She asked, her eyes still covered. "Has she heard about any of this?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly. "If she does, she's never said anything to either me or Korsak."

"Oh, my God." She said softly. "Korsak." The enormity of how this news was going to affect her life starting to sink in and she hadn't even told Frost about her own relatively new attraction towards her best friend. She wasn't sure she was going to now. One cluster fuck at a time.

Frost leaned forward and said softly. "Jane, look at me."

Jane slowly moved her hands from her eyes to her forehead, looking up from her plate into his eyes, finding them full of love and empathy.

"It's not that big of a deal, you know." He said, smiling slightly. "It doesn't affect your job or how good you are at it. And the fact that no one has ever said anything to you about any of this to your face for all these years should attest to the fact that they are all still scared shitless of you."

She snorted laughter, dropping her hands to her lap again. "Thanks, Barry." She said, before she realized exactly what he'd just said. "Wait… _years_?! How long have people been talking about us behind our backs anyway?!"

Frost's eyes went wide for a second. "Well…kinda since she started working with us."

"Jesus, fuck." Jane said, quietly, shaking her head looking off to the side at nothing in particular, trying to wrap her head around just how blind she'd been to everything and for how long. She looked back quickly to Frost.

"You and Korsak haven't been adding grist to the mill, have you? _Please_ tell me you haven't."

' _Shit_!' Jane thought. ' _That totally sounded like something Maura would say! I'm so fucked!'_

Frost shook his head slowly. "No, Jane. We've never talked about it to anyone except each other and then only in passing. Everything that we've ever said has been complementary and well intentioned. We just overhear things, that's all."

Jane closed her eyes again, trying to keep some perspective.

Frost sat back in the booth. "It's not like it's so horrible to be gay, Jane. You know that my mother is a lesbian. Remember?" He said, only slightly offended by his partner's reaction to the revelation that she and Maura had been the star of a lot of people's whispered conversations over the years.

Jane and Maura had both been invited to his mother's and her longtime companion's wedding, after all.

Jane's eyes flew open and she leaned forward towards him. "Oh, God! Barry, that's not why I'm upset at all! I've been called a dyke pretty much my whole life and at this point I could give two shits anymore. I'm not gay and I know it so who cares if the morons I work with beat off to whatever bullshit fantasy they've built up in their own minds." She paused, gathering herself for the next words, biting the bullet and moving forward.

"Or at least I didn't think I was gay until very recently." She paused, this being the first time in her entire life she'd ever spoken those words aloud. "I just don't want Maura hurt. Obviously, I'm very protective of her. She doesn't have a thick skin like I do and I don't know how she'll take this. I mean…if she doesn't already know."

Frost smiled again, always amazed at how Jane always put Maura ahead of herself in any given situation. He wanted to break some of the tension that was slowly building again.

"So, this means you're not, nor have you ever been, knockin' boots with her then?" He smirked.

Jane looked supremely offended. " _No!_ " She almost yelled. "God! Why are you so crude?"

Frost laughed, holding his hands up, realizing by her reaction that Jane was in deep with Dr. Isles, even though she'd not admitted to anything yet. Just how deep had yet to be revealed. "Sorry! I just wanted to be clear. Korsak and I have a bet."

" _What?!_ Are you _serious?!_ " She said, brows knitting together. "Tell me you're not serious!"

She looked at Frost and knew instantly that he wasn't lying. She rolled her eyes, shaking her head, folding her arms over her chest again.

"Well?" She asked, gathering her nerves. "What's the bet?"

Frost laughed, knowing that Jane never took herself too seriously. "Whether or not you two would end up together."

"And?" She asked, leaning forward again, pursing her lips, her heart flip-flopping at the thought. "Do we?"

"I've got twenty bucks riding on yes." He answered honestly, his hazel eyes twinkling brightly. "I already thought you had gotten together a long time ago. Even when you got engaged to Casey, I thought it was because you were running from how you really felt about Dr. Isles. And then when you broke it off with him, I thought for sure you two had finally hooked up."

He leaned forward, tilting his head, much as Maura did when she had something of importance to express. "So you're telling me that you and she have _never_ slept together, not even once?"

His eyes were serious, no hint of predatory behavior or tomfoolery shining in them.

Jane narrowed her eyes at him, not quite ready to forgive him for discussing her and Maura's possible personal involvement. "Not that is any of either you _or_ Korsak's business…" She opened her arms up, gesturing around the restaurant discreetly, knowing it was a hangout for her colleagues..."or apparently the entire _precinct's_ business for that matter, but no. We have not. Not even once."

Frost picked up his soda glass again, poking the crushed ice with the straw, before he asked the million dollar question, quirking up one eyebrow.

"Do you want to, Jane?"

Jane immediately gave up trying to hide it, knowing that she could trust Frost with her life and at this point just needing someone else to know about her attractions. Jane considered for a millisecond lying to her partner of almost seven years, her heart racing, the implications and repercussions of her admission streaking through her mind, all of the scenarios that she'd considered and all of the denials that she still could make. She banished the thought immediately. She knew that Frost would know she was lying.

She leaned forward again, her elbows on the table, palms covering her eyes.

"Do you _want_ to, Jane?" He repeated, leaning forward and grabbing her forearms gently.

"Oh, my God, yes!" The words whooshed out of her before she could stop them, his warm touch and the compassion in his voice breaking through her defenses, the past two months of nightmares priming her for a confession. Hearing her own words, she sat up and moved out of his grasp, pushing herself back into the booth, moving her hands back into her lap.

She thought long and hard about her next words. Frost waited patiently, understanding that this was it…the entire reason that they sat here in the first place.

"But I want more than just sex, Barry." She almost whispered, eyes on her hands. "I think I'm in love with her."

She looked up at her partner, who was leaning forward across the table over both of their forgotten lunch plates, his hands open and his eyes intentional, full of compassion and empathy.

Jane squirmed under his honest gaze, not used to being laid bare so completely. She fidgeted, picking at the small hangnail on her thumb underneath the table, her mind racing.

"Jane." Frost whispered softly, understanding her consternation. He had never seen her this side of her. A part of him felt privileged that she would even allow it.

She didn't look up.

Jane Rizzoli was a bastion of power and control. He needed her to understand that that is how he still viewed her.

"Jane." He whispered again, smiling. "I'm so happy for you…for you both."

Jane took a deep breath, shaking her head, still looking at her hands.

"Don't be, Frost." She laughed bitterly. "She has no idea."

He saw Jane's serious naïveté and laughed out loud and heartily, throwing his head back, losing himself in the absurdity in Jane's statement, too late to realize that she truly was completely clueless.

Then he suddenly felt like shit again for the second time that day. Understanding how Jane felt and how difficult it must be for her to admit those feelings, not only to herself, but to him, as well, he immediately stopped laughing, finding Jane's confused eyes.

Jane had just inadvertently confirmed his earlier assumption.

"Are you kidding?" He asked, his own confusion showing in his eyes. "I mean, you wore the same colored clothes into work today. _Wait_!" He backpedaled. "You _are_ kidding, right?! Jane?!"

He immediately knew she was not.

"What the _fuck_ was that?" Jane asked, anger bubbling up into her words, her mind barely registering that she and Maura had worn the same dark red into work. "I've never said that out loud, Barry! Not even to _myself_!" She leaned forward, pointing an accusatory finger at him across the table, saying just loud enough for him to hear. "And you fucking _laugh_?!"

She moved herself out of the booth, standing quickly, leaning back in and grabbing her jacket, which lay on the seat. She fished around looking for her wallet, unable to locate the inside pocket, her anger getting the best of her, her inability to locate her wallet adding to it.

"Shit!" She hissed under her breath, her hand frantically searching for the inside pocket, her jacket flopping around in her hand.

Frost immediately jumped up and grabbed her upper arms, leaning in and whispering into her ear. "Stop, Jane. I'm sorry I laughed, but don't do this here."

He found her furious eyes, holding them, and then looked around the restaurant, purposefully. "Don't do this _here_." He repeated. "I deserve whatever you have to say to me, Jane. I _know_ I do. But let's do it in the parking lot or in the car. _Anywhere_ but in here."

Jane finally found the pocket and slid her hand inside, taking her wallet out, holding Frost's eyes the entire time, her breathing rapid, her jaw clenching.

"Jane." He leaned in, holding her eyes, dropping his hands to his own sides, doing his best to keep her calm, knowing that restraining her in any manner would trip her defense mechanism, an understandable holdover since Hoyt, accomplishing the complete opposite of what he needed for Jane to be doing right now.

"Just walk outside." He said amiably. "Let me explain. _Please_?"

She looked down and opened her wallet, moving her jacket over her forearm, attempting to take out the proper amount of bills, her hand shaking, her anger barely contained.

He put both of his hands over hers, steadying them, calming them, his eyes waiting for hers as he watched her struggling to compose herself, her jaw clenching uncontrollably. She stilled her hands, her breathing rapid, her eyes filling with tears and hating herself for allowing any of this to happen.

She was beginning to hate herself for her admission.

Frost whispered to his partner, feeling her panic, anger and anxiety. "Please, Jane. Just walk outside. Meet me at the car. I know you are hurting right now. I know you want to tell me about how bad it really is. I want to hear it. Let's just talk about this." He backed up, releasing her hands, taking out his own wallet. "But let's just do it _outside_. This room has ears…and eyes."

He was referring to the Robber being a cop hangout. Word travels fast. He wanted to spare his partner any more sideways looks and behind the hand whispers.

Jane looked up, the sound of her partner's soothing voice breaking her anger lock, finding his calm light brown eyes.

He smiled and nodded, leaning his head toward the door.

She nodded back, handing him her wallet. "Here. My treat, Frost. I already said. Take whatever. Leave a good tip, please. I'll see you in the car." She turned towards the door, but turned back. "I'm still driving."

She spoke as if she were dreaming, the shock of the revelations of the day, coupled with her lack of sleep and the confession of her feelings taking their cumulative toll. She walked toward the door with purpose, but in a fog.

Frost watched her go, making sure she made it out of the restaurant okay before he opened Jane's wallet and took out a twenty and a ten. He folded them in half and then in half again, tucking them back into her wallet behind her driver's license. He then took out two twenties from his own wallet and dropped them onto the table, signaling to the server that they were done and leaving.

He stood up straight, grabbing his own jacket from the booth and looked discreetly around the room, making sure no one had seen what had transpired between the two of them. Satisfied, he walked towards the door.

He should've been honest with his partner from the beginning about this whole thing.

Barry Frost had some explaining to do and he knew it. It was about time. He couldn't wait.

 **I love Det. Barry Frost…I'll always write him into my stories. His character will never die…even if the talented, beautiful young man who played him did.**

 **1-800-273-8255**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all once again for the fantastic reviews! And for all the new follows and faves, step up and tell me how I'm doing! I'd love the input.**

 **On a more serious note, I had someone ask me about the telephone number that appeared at the end of my last post. That is the toll free number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It's available 24/7. Here it is again, just in case…1-800-273-8255.**

 **So…let's read on now, shall we?**

The List

Chapter 3

Frost tucked his wallet back into the inside pocket of his jacket as he walked outside squinting into the stark daylight, the Dirty Robber always seemingly in a perpetual state of midnight no matter what time the clock actually read. He palmed Jane's own small black leather wallet, taking a deep breath, preparing to feel the wrath of his partner and friend. He deserved whatever grief she was about to give him and he knew it. Truth be told, he knew he deserved far more.

The rumors about her relationship with Dr. Isles had been floating around Headquarters for years and he'd never said anything to Jane about them. Nothing. Not one word. He'd never addressed them with her in any way or hinted to her that he knew that they even existed and the whole time they were swirling around that precinct like a tornado just waiting to touch down. He had a feeling that when it did, it was going to be an EF5.

And now, regrettably, it _was_ about to touch down. He believed the damage that would lay in its wake was going to be severe, if not catastrophic.

If he couldn't get Jane and Maura into some sort of shelter, the malicious winds of gossip were going to blow both of them away and take any possible chance that each had at happiness together with them as they carelessly blew through.

And if there was _anyone_ in his life that deserved that happiness, it was Jane. She'd suffered for it, even if sometimes that suffering was self inflicted.

He also knew that Dr. Isles was the _one_ person who could give it to her. He'd never seen a more perfect fit for Jane. They complimented one another in the most sublime and satisfying way.

He'd known that they should be together for years. He just didn't want to rock the boat, knowing how far in the closet Jane truly was…so far in, that she couldn't even admit to _herself_ who she really was and where her true needs and attractions lay.

He knew deep down that Jane was gay, just as he'd known his own mother was, as well. He also knew it wasn't his place to point it out to his partner, just as he hadn't with his mother.

That was an epiphany that was dependent on self discovery and self realization. It was something that couldn't be compelled, coerced or rushed. It happened when it happened.

For a young heterosexual male, his "gaydar" was very keen, honed and sharpened through many years of observation.

If he'd had any doubt, everything had become crystal clear to him when he'd asked Jane if she had ever slept with Dr. Isles. After her initial and predictable indignation, she'd inadvertently and uncharacteristically blurted out her answer to his next question, if she _wanted_ to sleep with her. He'd realized at that _exact_ moment that Jane was in love with her best friend and most likely had been for quite some time, knowing that casual sexual relationships were never Jane's style.

He watched her as he slowly made his way across the parking lot towards his partner, in no rush to take his licks.

Jane stood leaning against the driver's side door of her car, facing him, her jacket on and her arms folded across her chest, ankles crossed, the slight breeze taking her long obsidian locks with it at its whim. Every now and then she reached up and moved it away from her face, tucking in vain a long stray curl behind her ear. She wasn't looking in his direction, her eyes apparently focused on something either at her feet or off in the distance in front of the car, her gaze alternating between the two. She cut an impressive silhouette in the waning afternoon sun.

She'd already reached inside her cruiser and retrieved her Aviators, the one monetary indulgence that she had allowed Maura to gift her. Jane was by no means vain, in fact, far from it, as incredible as Frost found that to be, considering how strikingly confident and femininely handsome that she was in just her natural everyday carriage. However, she did look good in her sunglasses and she knew it.

He himself had had a slight crush on her when they'd first began working together, but his love for her grew through the years into something akin to brotherly, especially after he saw how she reacted to Dr. Isles when the accomplished physician took over for Pike. After that, he knew he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell with Jane after he witnessed her first interactions with the new sophisticatedly elegant CME. Smitten didn't begin to describe them. Gobsmacked was more accurate.

Ironically, Jane never seemed to notice how men...and let's face it, a fair share of women, as well, turned to look at she herself as she walked by them, her easy swagger always on full display. She never viewed herself as particularly good looking. She knew she was _cute_ , her own words, but stunningly beautiful? She didn't have a clue. She would laugh at the mere suggestion. Which, honestly, made her that much more attractive. A gorgeous woman who didn't know it was the ultimate turn on.

He'd even seen alleged perpetrators that she'd _just_ slammed to the ground, knocking the wind out of them, giving them road rash and bloody noses, and then forcefully handcuffing, openly ogle her, their _own_ arresting officer. As she shoved them into the back of the waiting sector car, reading them their rights as she did so, they eyeballed her and not just the usual bullshit braggadocio, either. Outright, mouth hanging open, speechless, _ogling_. She never even realized it was happening.

Vanity, thy name was _not_ Jane Rizolli.

However, knowing that, she did love her sunglasses, especially the ones that were now perched high on her nose.

Frost smiled despite himself, realizing now, after Jane's confession, the reason Dr. Isles had given them to her in the first place. Not only did _Jane_ know she looked good in them, but so did Maura. He now suspected that Dr. Isles had "persuaded" his partner to see things her way, to their _mutual_ benefit. Dr. Isles found Jane attractive in this particular design, so she'd convinced Jane just _how_ attractive she herself looked in them.

Which for Jane, he was sure, at the time, was a hard sell. Ray Ban Aviators were expensive and Jane didn't like Maura buying her things, especially _expensive_ things. However, Dr. Isles did have a knack for convincing Jane to see things her way most of the time, an accomplishment that was never lost on he himself. Jane was notoriously bull headed.

He supposed that Maura convincing her to keep this particular gift was a guaranteed win/win for both of them. Jane looked good in them and Maura always could appreciate anything of beauty.

Det. Frost was beginning to realize that this attraction that Jane felt for Dr. Isles might just be mutual. In fact, the more he thought about it, he was _sure_ of it. He had never seen the CME act or _react_ the way she did with any of her past male suitors as she had with Jane, even though, _seemingly_ , they weren't even dating and had never been.

Frost was completely unaware of Maura's fluid sexuality, it having no occasion to ever come up in any of the conversations they had shared in the past. He and the good doctor weren't as close as he and Jane were, for obvious reasons. He had no way of knowing that she had recently begun to sleep with several different women, all of them physically resembling Jane in one way or another, the men that she occasionally allowed to bed her a mere afterthought or, quite frankly, just convenient when the mood took her.

He smiled as he made his way towards Jane, watching her shove her hands down into her pockets, still unaware that he was watching her, which was a feat in and of itself, attesting to her extreme sense of distraction that had also plagued her lately. She normally saw _everything_ that happened around her, almost possessing a sixth sense when it came to her periphery. At least, when her mind wasn't a million miles away.

She adjusted her sunglasses, running her hand through her hair, pulling it back off of her forehead, taking a deep breath, then returning her hand back into her pocket.

He was also just now beginning to understand _why_ Jane always chose the mirrored lenses. He always assumed it was because it allowed her to see suspects for who they were, boring into their questionable alibis and outright lies without them being able to see her straightforward observance.

Now he was seeing an alternative reason. No one could see _her_ eyes either and the secrets she kept from the world hidden in them and, presumably, the one _big_ secret that she had been hiding for a very long time, possibly even from herself.

R&I R&I R&I

He offered her the wallet, smiling sheepishly. "So do you want to kill me here in the parking lot in front of everyone or in the car where there would be no witnesses and you could just dump my body into the Charles?"

She grabbed the wallet, tucking it quickly into her inside jacket pocket, her eyes revealing nothing behind her shades.

"I want to do it here because I don't really feel like cleaning your blood out of my cruiser right now." She said curtly. "And I don't want to be in a small space with you. I'm tired and confused…and very _pissed_ at you, Frost."

He nodded, the smile disappearing quickly, her words revealing exactly her mood. He took a deep breath, suddenly not knowing what to do with his hands.

She was quiet again, her eyes presumably boring into his, still hidden behind mirrors.

He couldn't guess if that was her way of telling him that the one-sided argument that was _surely_ about to happen, _wasn't_ happening or if she was just getting wound up, preparing to battle for the duration.

He stood waiting for her to speak, not quite sure if she wanted him to start or if she was just making him wait on purpose to see him squirm, knowing he couldn't see her eyes to be able to tell one way or the other.

' _Those damn sunglasses are the shit!_ ' He thought to himself. ' _I need to get me some like that_.'

She abruptly pushed herself off of the car and been to pace. He'd stepped back and allowed her her space.

' _Uh, oh.'_ He thought. ' _This is not good_.'

Pacing for Jane was the mental equivalent of loading the magazine of her Glock nine-millimeter and snapping it soundly into the butt of the gun. If she chambered a round, he was in trouble.

She stopped pacing and took her glasses off, pushing them up onto the top of her head, leaning over into his face, eyes ablaze.

Round chambered, safety clicked off.

' _Oh, shit_.'

She took another deep breath, her hands moving her jacket away from her hips so she could place them there, the hand nearest her gun resting comfortably over it.

"How long have we been partners, Frost?" She asked angrily, her eyes throwing daggers into his own.

' _Oh, God! Rhetorical questions! I'm dead_.'

He went to answer but she cut him off.

"And of all those years, how many have we been friends, huh?" She asked, her eyes never leaving his, her anger beginning to show, not just in her voice, but in her body, as well.

Once again he started to answer, but once again, she cut him off.

"And in all of _those_ years, how many have we worked together with Maura?" She waited, her body shaking, her voice cracking, tears glassing in her eyes, the mere mention of her best friend changing her entire attitude. She refused to let them fall, weakness not an option right now.

He wasn't sure if he should answer or not, his heart beginning to race slightly. He'd seen her mad before, _pissed_ beyond all reason at times, but this was new. She seemed to be just on the edge of losing it completely. And the fact that this was being directed towards himself, he was scared. Not for his life. Obviously, she wasn't going to _literally_ kill him, but he was scared shitless anyway. She might kill their partnership and, by default, their friendship.

That was unacceptable to him. He refused to lose either. He wasn't sure what he was _supposed_ to do, but he would do what he _needed_ to do to save it.

"Well, Frost?" She asked, blinking furiously, the tears very close, folding her arms over her chest again, resting her weight on one hip. "How many years have we worked together with Maura?!" She reiterated angrily.

He didn't answer fast enough.

" _HOW MANY?!_ " She yelled at him, her lips a thin line in between questions.

He jumped, scanning the parking lot quickly.

"Eyes on me, please." She said curtly, lowering her voice, but not because she was scared someone might overhear, but to make her point, using two fingers to signal for him to look at her. "Believe me, Frost, if this doesn't go well, the last thing either of us will be worrying about is who hears me yelling at you right now. So how many years have we all worked with Dr. Isles?"

' _Oh, shit! She's using Maura's title now._ " He thought quickly before he answered.

"Almost the same amount of time that you and I have been partners." He answered quietly.

Jane nodded, crossing her arms over her chest again.

"So…well over seven years, right?" She asked, leaning over into his face slightly, never invading his personal space, but just enough to make him uncomfortable, eyes narrowing. "Wouldn't you say? Does that sound about right to you?"

Sarcasm being thrown into the mix now. This was not good…not good at all.

He nodded, swallowing, his mouth suddenly as dry as the Gobi.

"And when did you say these rumors started about me ' _fucking_ ' Dr. Isles?" She used the air quotes.

Frost winced, the word hitting him in the face like a slap. He suddenly knew why he deserved everything he was about to get. It was not because he didn't tell her about the rumors right away, even though he was sure that that was the reason Jane was going to give him. It was because the whole concept of the _entire_ precinct thinking that Jane would _ever_ disrespect Dr. Isles in that way in _front_ of anyone, and especially _behind_ the doctor's own back, and to an entire department no less, was inconceivable to Jane, almost blasphemous, whenever it concerned Maura. Jane's own sense of honor and integrity had been insulted.

In other words, if Maura had known about the rumors and thought that Jane knew as well, but never said anything to the doctor herself about them, but continued to entertain them, or worse, _add_ to them, becoming a part of the gossip mill itself...that would leave the detective devastated, her sense of loyalty towards her best friend compromised. Maura deserved better.

Maura _always_ deserved better.

He was quiet.

"Well, Frost?" She asked again. "How long have I been fucking Maura?"

He hesitated.

"Almost as long as she's been working with us." He said, slightly above a whisper.

"Oh, _God_." Jane stood up tall, taking another deep breath, covering her mouth with her hand, nodding her head continuously, looking off into the distance, her other hand on her hip. Hearing the words again for the second time that day didn't soften their impact.

She started to pace again, her jaw clenching, her throat working furiously as she tried to control her tears.

He stood, eyes wide, his hands finding his own pants pockets, watching her intently.

"I'm sorry, Jane." He said, wanting to reach out to her, but not daring. He'd already been allowed to touch her twice today. His quota had been met and exceeded. "I should've said something."

" _SHUT UP, FROST!_ " She bellowed, stopping her pacing only long enough to yell at him, then continuing again, her hand on her forehead, the tears very close to falling. " _Fuck!_ " She yelled through clenched teeth.

She ran her fingers through her hair again, completely forgetting about the sunglasses sitting on top of her head, pulling them through her perpetually tangled mane. She took the sunglasses roughly off, meaning to throw them to the ground in her anger, but realizing that they we're a gift from Maura, placed them gently on the roof of the car instead.

She stood looking at them for a few minutes, her back to him, hands on her hips again, breathing in and out, counting in her head. Maura would've recognized this for what it was immediately.

Frost, however, not having ever been privy to seeing Jane after a nightmare, had no idea that she was trying to mentally calibrate herself. He just thought she was getting started.

He was afraid. He was _very_ afraid.

She turned back to face him, her eyes somewhat calmer. She took one more deep breath, licking her lips, her eyes still boring into him, eyebrows furrowed.

"Ya think so? Do you think you should have said something?" She finally said, moving towards him, somewhat satisfied when he took a half a step backward. "Yes, you should have, Barry. You should've said something… _anything_! I've been…no… _we've_ been, _Maura_ and _I_ , have been walking around for years thinking that our friendship was just that, a friendship. And come to find out, everybody just thought that we are just a couple of dykes flaunting our sexuality in everybody's faces."

Her voice cracked.

"Jane!" Frost interjected. "Nobody thinks that!"

Jane jumped into his face. " _Really_?! _Nobody_ thinks that, Frost?! _Nobody_?! Think about what you just said! You're contradicting yourself now! So which is it?! _Nobody_ thinks we are fuck buddies or _everybody_ thinks we are?! Which is it?!"

Realizing he was caught and that he'd let his emotions get in the way, clouding his recollection of his earlier statement and the facts altogether, he knew he had to take a different tack. He could either stand here passively and be berated by his longtime partner and friend, and possibly lose both, or he could be a bit proactive and push back.

"Jane!" He yelled, moving slightly into her space. "I'm sorry! _Dammit_ , I fucked up and I'm _sorry_!" He paused, waiting to see if she would allow him any more latitude. If she jumped on him, then he would end his attempt, but if she let him finish, then there was a bit of hope.

They stood facing each other, eyes locked, coffee and caramel, warring.

She held her tongue, her jaw clenching incessantly. She moved out of his space, but not because she was giving up her own. She was merely allowing him a moment to explain himself. Even in her anger, tempered now by her earlier breathing exercises, she knew when to listen to her longtime partner's side of things.

They made a great team for a reason. Both knew when to shut up and hear the other out.

He backed away from her, closing his eyes and tilting his head back, taking a deep breath, his hands finding his own hips, lips a thin line, deciding how best to continue. The slight breeze blew his chartreuse tie much in the same way it had taken Jane's hair earlier.

He was, once again, walking through the minefield that was Jane. He always felt sharper and more focused every time he successfully tip-toed through these tulips, but scared shitless during the process itself. This time was no different, but he also knew what failure meant for him this go 'round.

He organized his mind and then looked back at Jane, focusing his eyes on her.

"I'm sorry." He reiterated softly, leaning towards her, his fingers intertwined together. "Jane. I'm _so_ sorry. I should've said something and I didn't. But can I explain? Will you let me? Please?"

Jane watched him with narrowed eyes for a minute before nodding.

' _Oh, thank God!'_ Frost thought. ' _Step lightly, dammit. This is your future here._ '

He took another deep breath, letting it out slowly.

"I honestly thought you knew." He said, before Jane moved towards him protesting. He held up his hands. "I mean it, Jane! I thought you _knew_!" He ran his hand over his short cropped hair, resting it at the base of his skull. "I swear, I thought you knew." He whispered. "I just thought you were playing it off, being cool with it. I mean, you know about _everything_ that goes on in that building from the morgue to the roof."

He laughed nervously.

Jane smiled slightly, but said sarcastically. "Flattery. Nice."

He saw it.

' _You might get out of this alive, Barry.'_ He thought. ' _Keep tip-toeing._ '

He then spoke honestly and from the heart.

"And I thought you were _protecting_ Dr. Isles, too. Trying to shield her from some of the vulgar bullshit that's been flying around for so long now that it's not even a hot topic of conversation anymore. I know how she doesn't sit well with vulgarity and bad language."

Jane smiled again, Maura's frequent admonishments of her own potty mouth flashing through her mind.

Frost saw this smile and knew exactly where Jane's mind took her, having been on the receiving end of the same admonishments several times in the past himself. His heart soared, feeling that he was gaining some ground with the detective. He pushed forward gently.

"If I thought for _one_ second that you didn't know, I would've said something. Maybe I should've anyway, Jane." He stepped towards her, hand out. "I'm so sorry that I didn't."

She moved herself back into the cruiser, crossing her arms over her chest again, shaking her head at him almost imperceptibly, eyes shifting to her left away from his.

There would be no more touching Jane today.

He moved away from her, taking another deep breath, looking to the spot that he thought Jane might be focusing on, mirroring her body movements, as well. He'd just recently read in his ongoing studies to be a better detective that it could be advantageous to said detective during an interview to follow the perpetrator's lead, subconsciously lulling them into a false sense of power and control.

"Stop it, Frost." She whispered, rolling her eyes.

"Stop what?" He asked, quickly looking back to Jane, his innocence sincere.

She snorted laughter quietly, shaking her head at her partner, finding his eyes.

"That shit doesn't work on me. I gave you the book that you got that from, remember? But nice try."

He smiled sheepishly, realizing that even while drowning in her proverbial worst nightmare, she couldn't be fooled. It was a good sign.

He laughed, nodding. "Yeah, I didn't think it would work on you. Jedi masters are impervious."

She mock laughed with him. "But you thought you'd try it anyway, right?"

He nodded, relieved in her sarcasm.

Sarcastic Jane was infinitely better than pissed Jane.

"Well, you know me." He said, smiling. "Sometimes you just have to swing for the fences."

He'd remembered his partner using this baseball reference in the past many times and thought it fit this situation perfectly.

Jane looked away from him again, laughing softly, leaning back onto her car, seemingly perfectly happy but the laughter slowly melting into sobs, the day, and all that had happened during it, catching up to her. She covered her eyes with her hands, her shoulders bowing and the her body shaking with them.

Frost stood in front of her, wanting to comfort her, but knowing she wouldn't allow it. He settled for looking around the parking lot and shielding her from any prying eyes.

He leaned in as she wept and whispered to her soothingly, once again stepping out on a limb.

"Jane, why don't you just tell her how you feel? I'm sure she feels the same way."

Jane looked up at him instantly, tears streaming down her cheeks. She wiped them away furiously.

"Do you know something? Has she said anything to you?" Jane began to remember where she was, upset with herself for letting this whole situation to spin so out of her control. She looked around the parking lot.

Frost shook his head regretfully.

"No. Sorry. I've already told you that she's never said anything to either me or Korsak."

She sniffed, wiping her nose, straightening up, not just in her posture but in her fortitude, as well.

Frost saw this and knew he had only one shot.

"But that doesn't mean she hasn't heard about the rumors, Jane." He quickly interjected. "Maybe she knows…maybe she's _always_ known…maybe she's known and she just doesn't care."

Jane looked at him, eyes tired, bloodshot but wide and hopeful.

"Why don't you just ask her?" Frost suggested.

Jane hesitated, wiping her cheeks with her fingers again, trying her best to clear any evidence of her self perceived weakness.

She scanned the parking lot again, not looking for any onlookers, but just trying to gather her thoughts. The breeze took her hair once more. She shook her head, trying to clear it from her face, attempting to clear her head, as well.

"What if she says yes." Jane posed, her heart racing at the thought that her Maura was aware that she had been subject to the undoubtably sexist, misogynistic and completely untrue rumors that had been slithering through the precinct for years…and right under her own nose.

Frost smiled to himself, leaning over and delicately lifting Jane's sunglasses off the roof of her cruiser, folding them carefully and proffering them to his partner.

She took them gingerly.

"What if she does?" He asked, opening the door to her car, gesturing for her to enter. "Think about that sanely, Jane. I mean it. What if she does? What is your reasonable response? If she knows and she hasn't said anything after _all_ this time, and she is _still_ your best friend, after _all_ these years, that could really only mean one thing, couldn't it? Obviously, she doesn't care. And maybe, just _maybe_ , she feels the same way about you."

Jane moved into the cruiser as if in a daze as he closed her door, opening her sunglasses and placing them back on her nose, hearing Frost open his own door and sit next to her, the car lowering slightly with his weight, closing his door soundly with a thunk.

He turned and looked at her, her hands gripping the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were white. He spoke to her softly, watching as she swallowed hard, eyes wide, staring straight ahead.

"Ask her, Jane. At this point, what do you have to lose? If she knows, she doesn't care. If she _doesn't_ know, then it'll be up to you whether or not to enlighten her." He paused, choosing his next words carefully. "Maybe all of this has something to do with your nightmares coming back, hmm?"

Jane's mind only went to one place.

' _Should I tell him?_ ' She thought, her heart beginning to pound again. ' _Fuck it! He knows more about you right now_ _than anybody else on the planet. Just tell him all of it._ '

She looked at Frost, gripping the steering wheel tighter, swallowing once, licking her lips.

He waited, knowing that something important was about to happen here.

"About that." She said, softly, taking her sunglasses off so he could see her eyes, holding them in her lap carefully. "The nightmares, I mean. They're different now. Hoyt's not doing things to me in them anymore." Her eyes filled with tears again, her chin quivering. "He's doing things to her. To _Maura_. And I can't stop him, Barry. And it's _awful_."

Her voice got higher as she spoke, cracking on the last word. She looked down at her lap and at the sunglasses that Maura had given her on her last birthday. Her left thumb moved softly across the delicate metal of their rims lovingly, avoiding the lenses, remembering how Maura had said that they were extremely sensitive to fingerprints.

' _Maura_.' Just thinking now about her best friend soothed the detective.

Unbeknownst to Frost, _this_ is why she made her way into Maura's bed after each nightmare, heart pounding, sick to her stomach and shaking. And _this_ is why when she sought comfort, she didn't ask Maura to hold _her,_ choosing instead to hold Maura. She was protecting her best friend, making sure that she was safe in her own arms, safe from _him_.

This is why only Maura could chase him away just with her presence. Because when she was in Jane's arms, the detective knew _exactly_ where the doctor was and that she was loved and that _nothing_ and no _one_ could ever hurt her. As long as Jane was near, Maura was always going to stay unharmed and untouchable.

Hearing Jane's third confession of the day, Frost let out a long breath through his mouth.

"Damn, Jane. Does she know?" He asked, reaching into her glove box and handing her the travel tissues that he knew Dr. Isles had stashed in there for her. Maura always thought of everything.

Jane shook her head, taking out a tissue, wiping her eyes and nose.

"That's some heavy shit you're carrying around on your shoulders, partner. No wonder you are wound so tight lately. I've noticed you've been off for the past few weeks. So has Korsak." He admitted. "Maybe you _should_ go see the shrink. Seriously, Jane. This can't be good for you, bottling everything up like this. I mean, I know you are stubborn and independent and ' _I am woman hear me roar_ ' and all, but no one should have to live with all that swirling around in their brain all the time."

Jane chuckled at Frost's description of her, wiping her nose again, crumpling the tissue up into her fist, sniffling loudly.

"You are beginning to sound like Maura." She laughed. "Are you gonna report me, too?"

He smiled with her, taking the unused tissues she handed him, tossing them back in the compartment, slamming it closed.

"In light of what you just told me, and if you don't do something soon, yes I will." He said, only half jokingly. "The Doc and I will tag team you until you go."

Jane laughed at the mental picture that popped up into her addled, sleep deprived mind of Frost and Maura in a wrestling ring, clapping hands, tagging each other in and out as she herself, stood in the middle of it, waiting for each new reprimand, attempting to justify why she hadn't already gone back to speak to the psychiatrist.

"Tell her, Jane." He said, seriously. "If you don't tell her about the nightmares, at _least_ tell her how you feel about her. I'm telling you, she _already_ knows."

Jane looked at him, her eyes wide again, the laughter dried up. "Do you really think she does, Frost?"

He nodded, smiling sympathetically at her, knowing that he was about to reveal a secret of his own.

" _I_ did. About you, I mean."

Jane's eyes widened, her mouth dropping open, brows furrowing. "What? _How_?! I don't even think I knew."

He shrugged, his eyes twinkling, happy that she was finally being honest with herself and feeling honored that she trusted him enough to share this long held and hidden cipher.

"I guess I've got a gift when it comes to identifying closeted lesbians." He chuckled. "I knew my Mom was gay _long_ before she told me that day after the softball beat down."

Jane quickly and briefly changed the subject. "It wasn't _that_ bad of a beat down!"

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief before they answered in unison.

" _Yes, it was_!"

They both laughed, high-fiving loudly, the tension finally broken between them. When the laughter finally tapered off, Jane spoke earnestly, her hand cradling the sunglasses.

"So you're telling me that all of these years, I've been walking around eyeballing women and not even realizing I've been doing it?" She shook her head, almost ashamed of herself, gently placing the shades on the dash, suddenly feeling as though she had betrayed Maura in some way.

He shook his head, disagreeing with her assessment of her past behavior. "Not all women, Jane. Just _one_ woman."

Jane put her head in her hands dramatically, groaning loudly. "Oh, God. _Really_? If you saw it then I know for a fact, so did she. She doesn't miss _anything_! She can do that facial muscle recognition shit, or whatever the hell you call it, from across the room. I'm so _fucked_ , Frost!"

He laughed at her, knowing exactly what she was talking about. He'd seen Dr. Isles on more than one occasion stand behind the mirror while Jane and himself interrogated a suspect, reading the perp's facial reactions to their questions, knowing immediately when he or she was lying to them. She'd then alert Jane of the lies through her earpiece, sometimes going so far as suggesting the proper questions to get a truthful answer or, at times, even a full confession altogether.

"Yes, you are _fucked_ , partner." He laughed as she groaned again, her face still covered with her hands. "But, if it's any consolation, she looks at you the same way, Jane."

Jane looked up, through her fingers at him. "What?"

He nodded, smiling knowingly, eyes twinkling. "Yep. She looks at you like you hung the moon and all the stars behind it. I wish somebody would look at me like that just _once_ in my life. She looks at you like that all the time."

"You're lying." She said, punching him in the arm. "You're just saying that so I won't be so embarrassed about how I've been gawking at her all this time."

He deflected her punch. "It's true, Jane. And if you weren't so caught up in your own bullshit, you would've noticed it years ago. Like I did."

"Seriously?" She asked, unbelieving but her stomach filling with butterflies at the prospect that he wasn't lying. "She's been looking at me, too?"

He nodded, smiling, having never seen this side of his partner and friend.

She turned and stared out of the windshield, her face breaking into a silly grin, her dimples flashing, her face suddenly becoming hot.

Of course, Frost noticed.

"Oh, my God! Are you _blushing_?!" He asked, incredulous, eyes wide, his own face cracking into a wide grin. "The all great and powerful Det. Jane Rizolli is blushing! Jesus, you are in deep _dookie_ , my friend!"

"Oh, bite me, Frost!" She said, punching him again, this time fairly hard. "And if you tell anyone that I did, I _will_ kill you and dump your body in the Charles!"

He absorbed the punch, laughing at her antics, relieved that the stormy weather had finally passed and the tornado that had been threatening for so long finally dissipating, hopefully forever.

Jane took a deep breath, the weight of the day and the past two months lifting somewhat. She sat quiet for a while.

Frost let her be, knowing this side of Jane well. She was figuring something out.

She finally looked at him, eyes serious. "So you think I should tell her about…you know, my _feelings_?"

She said the last word while rolling her eyes, not one to ever let anyone see the sensitive side of her very often. Truth be told, the only person who ever got to see it on a semi-regular basis was Maura.

He smiled softly, nodding. "Yes. I think you should, Jane. Don't you owe it to yourself… _and_ to Dr. Isles…to at least try to make a go of it with her? She's been waiting for you to figure it out for quite a while, now."

She nodded, rubbing her temple, her mind changing gears, shifting from one problem to another. Now, instead of worrying about telling Maura about the rumors and gossip that they'd both been major players in over the years, she was now worrying about how to tell Maura about her own attraction to her best friend and whether or not that attraction was mutual.

Frost watched this dance, smiling to himself.

"Don't overthink this, Jane." He said, quietly. "Just be honest with her. You _know_ that she'll be honest with you." He knew very well how the doctor couldn't lie without breaking out in massive hives.

"Where do I start?" Jane asked, her voice just as quiet.

He smiled. "You are the all great and powerful Det. Jane Rizolli. You'll figure it out."

She looked at him, smiling and nodding. She twisted the keys in the ignition, firing the cruiser up, reaching around behind her and grabbing the seatbelt, clicking it home. Frost did the same.

She reached up to the dash and took the sunglasses, placing them on her nose again, feeling fortified.

Before she put the car in gear she turned to him one last time. "Please don't tell Korsak about this. I'd rather it just stay between us for now."

He mimed turning a key at his lips and then throwing it away, smiling.

"Thanks, Barry. I've got a lot of shit to sort out and I really just want to do it alone. I love him and he means well, but sometimes he's too much of a father. More than my own Pop now. And if my mother finds out about all of this before Maura, I won't be responsible for my actions." She said, referring to her former partner's relationship with Angela, the two of them constantly working together to do what they think is best for her, forgetting sometimes that she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions without their input or suggestions, no matter how well intentioned they might be.

Frost nodded. "Say no more, Jane. I _completely_ understand. Do what you have to do. Take as much time as you need." He added, laughing. "Just promise me that when this is all over, I get all the credit for getting you two together during the wedding toast."

 **We are getting closer to finding out about this mysterious "list", I promise! I hope you enjoyed my latest offering! This is my New Year's gift to you all! I hope everyone has a safe and joyous "Bonne Annee"! Happy 2018 everyone!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for the New Year's well wishes! Hope everyone had a great night!**

 **And as always, thank you for taking time out of your own lives to read my story and leave me reviews! I know I say it often, but it really does spur me on to write faster! And for those that have joined the ride with Follows and Faves, thank you, as well. So let's get to it shall we?!**

I only own my story.

The List

Chapter Four

Jane and Frost were in the elevator together, one waiting patiently for the doors to open to their floor, eyes forward, the other dancing, eyes glinting, not giving a shit.

She alone was now watching the numbers blink, counting up to their level, listening to the ridiculous elevator musical rendition of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know".

To her chagrin, this was one of the few songs from her high school days that Frost knew as well…and he somehow knew _every_ word.

As soon as the doors had closed on the ground floor and Frost had realized what was playing, he'd started smiling, realizing the irony, then he started swaying, looking at Jane, knowing he only had three floors to torture her with this before the doors opened and he'd have to be professional again.

Apparently to him, it was too much of a coincidence to pass up, considering the way they had spent the past two hours and the topic that had dominated everything. He began to sing loudly, adding to Jane's consternation.

Jane stood stoic, arms crossed over her chest, nodding, lips a thin line, dealing with her partner's shenanigans, allowing him his moment, knowing that very shortly, she was going to put an abrupt stop to it. She tilted her head watching the numbers and the doors, waiting.

He sang and danced around her, the words to the song amazingly and perfectly mirroring Jane's conundrum, only the pronoun difference making it only somewhat suitable, which Frost, in all of his tortuous wisdom, was changing himself, all of the male to female.

She waited until just before the doors opened to their floor before she body checked him hard into the side of the car, catching him off guard, successfully and effectively ending his happy thoughts.

The doors opened, slowly.

She walked out of the elevator confidently as Frost quickly picked himself up off of the floor of the lift, adjusting his tie and looking around, following Jane into the squad room, clearing his throat and rubbing his elbow vigorously, grimacing, realizing that he might've aggravated an old basketball injury, but relieved that at least it wasn't his shooting arm.

"Ow." He said softly to himself as he followed Jane out of the elevator, smiling devilishly. "Totally worth it, though."

She walked confidently into the squad room, taking her jacket off, Frost hot on her heels, tensing his arm out, still rubbing his elbow, his face a mess of hurt, the smile gone for now.

Korsak noticed, looking up from his computer. "What happened to you?"

Frost looked quickly at Jane then back to Korsak, not saying a word.

Korsak smiled, nodding his head. "Ah..somehow, I think you deserved it."

"He did." Jane said as she passed Korsak's desk, not breaking stride.

Frost stopped at Korsak's desk, still rubbing his arm, nodding, leaning over. "I did. But totally worth it."

Korsak smiled and shook his head at the younger detective.

Jane walked to her desk, feeling invigorated after her talk with Frost, but still dividing her focus between the Lattimore case and her own personal issues, knowing which one should take precedence, committing to refocusing her efforts.

She leaned over and clicked the mouse, her monitor waking up, waiting for her password.

"Hey!" Frankie said, appearing in front of Jane, behind Frost's desk, which butted up against her own.

Jane jumped, looking up, her jacket still in hand.

"Hey!" She replied, louder. "Shit, Frankie! What the fuck? Why does everyone feel the need to startle me today? Where did _you_ come from?"

Frankie, looking confused by Jane's question, pointed to the door he'd just entered.

"Over there." He replied, innocently, his brown eyes wide.

Jane laughed and shook her head, moving her mouse around on the pad, clicking when necessary.

"No shit? _Really_?" She mocked seriousness, her brother's face confused. "I thought you just appeared out of thin air…like magic."

"No…I walked in through that door, smartass." He deadpanned. "What's up your butt?"

Jane shot a look at Frost standing next to her, eyes filled with daggers, who smirked, twisting the key at his lips again, tossing it away, but his eyes twinkling with the possible mischief he could cause if he chose to do so.

" _Nothing_ is up my butt. But keep talking to me like that and my foot is gonna be up yours." Jane said, calmly. "Why do you ask?"

Frankie shook his head. "I don't know. You just seem a little jumpy lately. Like you're up to something…or _hiding_ something."

Frost snorted, quickly covering his mouth, miming a cough, clearing his throat, but said nothing.

Jane looked at him again, eyes narrowed, lips a thin line, but quickly turned her attention back to her little brother.

"Is there something we can do for you, Frankie?" Jane asked, politely, tenting her hands in front of her chest, her jacket still hanging over her forearm, eyes wide. "I mean, we are not busy trying to solve a murder or anything, right, fellas?"

She turned and gestured to Frost and Korsak.

They both laughed and played along, shaking theirs heads in unison.

"Nope." Frost said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Just standing here shooting the shit with my pal, Vince."

Korsak, agreed. "Nah, nothing here today. I'm just looking at cat videos, while Barry shoots the shit with me."

Jane shrugged. "See? There you go! We are at your _complete_ disposal. So what can we do for you, Det. Rizzoli, _Jr_.?"

Frankie took a deep breath, shaking his head, smirking, realizing that as long as his big sister was a homicide detective in the same precinct as he himself, this endless unrelenting sibling sarcasm would continue.

"Well, since you asked, I might have something to tell you regarding that." He answered, matching her mock sincerity with his own. "Well, not me, exactly. But Maura's been looking for you. She said the tox and trace evidence screens were back."

Jane briefly looked down at her computer screen, hoping her eyes didn't betray her sudden giddiness at the mention of her secret paramour's name. She fiddled with the mouse again.

"Why does she need to see me?" She asked nonchalantly. "She could've given them to Korsak."

Frankie shrugged. "I don't know, Jane. Maybe you could ask her that yourself when you go to the lab to pick up the results, huh?"

"Well, _maybe_ I will." Jane said, sarcastically, logging out of her computer, standing up straight, turning to leave.

"Hey!" Frankie suddenly said, smiling. "You and Maura are wearing the same color clothes again!"

Jane quickly turned back towards her little brother.

"What?" She asked, not angrily, but on the verge. "What did you just say?"

Frost slowly but purposefully stepped back behind Jane, out of her peripheral vision, eyes wide, focusing intently on the younger Rizzoli, shaking his head vigorously from side to side, mouthing the word "no" over and over again.

"Your _shirt_. It's the same color as Maura's dress." He answered, never very quick on the uptake, then asking innocently. "Do you two coordinate that on purpose? 'Cause it's been happening a _lot_ lately."

Frost began making a cutting motion with his hand across his throat over and over, eyes the size of saucers, still shaking his head, now adding "shut up" to the silent mix.

Jane looked down at her dark red shirt and realized that it was the second time that day that someone in her immediate circle of friends had mentioned it. Her brow furrowed briefly.

She honestly hadn't noticed that she was wearing the same color shirt as her best friend's dress when they'd left Maura's house earlier this morning. And, apparently, according to Frankie, it had been happening enough for even him to become aware of it.

' _Am I that blind? What else have I been doing that everyone else could possibly notice? I am so screwed here._ ' She thought quickly.

She sensed movement behind her and looked back at Frost, who quickly acted like he was smoothing out his short hair, recovering just in time before being caught.

Jane turned back to Frankie, surprising Frost with her answer and her tone, but making sure to use her strongest ally, sarcasm, as usual.

"Why, yes, Frankie." She answered sweetly, shifting her jacket from one arm to the other, touching the collar of her shirt lovingly. "It's what us girls do. We just _love_ to be color coordinated!" She said the last sentence like a sixteen year old high schooler.

Frankie looked confused, unsure if his sister was being serious or not, his past experiences with women not helping him any.

"Really?" He finally asked, eyes moving between Jane, Frost and Korsak and then back to Jane, all eyes on him filled with mirth.

Jane snorted laughter, shaking her head. " _No_!" She said, putting her jacket back on. "Unless we are on some sort of team, women want to stand apart from one another, not all look the same, you idiot!"

Frankie nodded. "Oooooh! Yeah, I get it. Stand out for the dudes."

She looked at Korsak, who was silently giggling, his broad shoulders moving up and down with them, shaking his head, his eyes glistening.

"How are we related?" She asked seriously, her hands open.

"I have _no_ idea." He answered, wiping the tears. "Go see the Doc, Jane. Get the results and in the meantime, I'll give your brother some lessons on women while your gone."

Frost spoke up. "Maybe you aren't the best one to be doing that, old man. I mean, three failed marriages and all. I should be the one teaching the young buck some moves."

"Hey!" Frankie yelled from behind Frost's desk. "I don't need any lessons from either of you! I got game!"

"Oh, Lord. Here we go."" Jane whispered to herself, rolling her eyes and starting towards the elevator, leaving the three of them sounding more like a "Three Stooges" routine than capable adult homicide detectives.

R&I R&I R&I

As Jane silently rode the elevator down to the morgue and to Maura, her heart was beginning to beat faster. She was trying to work out in her mind the best way to address this whole mess that had been building up for the past couple of months, coming to a head not less than half an hour ago and curious as to why Maura needed to see her personally.

Thankfully, Whitney wasn't on a short replay loop but the elevator fairies decided that they weren't quite finished with her just yet. She listened to David Cassidy singing "I Think I Love You" patiently, smiling to herself and shaking her head.

She didn't know which problem to take on first, the rumors of she and Maura being a couple or her apparently ongoing attraction to her best friend. Maybe both, maybe neither. She was rationalizing how to put off saying anything altogether and just doing what she came down here to do in the first place…getting test results.

The doors opened and she took a deep breath, fortifying herself. She walked confidently to the big steel doors that separated the hall from the morgue itself, but stopped abruptly just outside, looking in through the the glass windows on each door, watching silently, swallowing, her mouth suddenly dry, her hand pressed against the cold metal, ready to push inward.

Maura had her back to Jane and she was bent over slightly, apparently looking into one of the many microscopes that Jane knew sat there. She periodically leaned over and wrote something on a pad that sat next to her, adjusting the magnification, then repeating the process again. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail, as she was known to wear it when working, and she had changed into her black scrubs, the purple latex gloves on her delicate but strong hands a stark contrast to the dark clothing.

Jane's heart began to beat faster and her face became hot as she wondered exactly what Maura was wearing underneath her scrubs, a thought that had been crossing her mind often lately and not just when the doctor was in her lab wear, but in her street clothes, as well.

She had been snoozing this morning as Maura had gotten dressed, so she had no idea what matching ensemble she was wearing right now.

She also knew that, when at work, Maura always changed in her own private bathroom in her office. She herself had sat outside of that very bathroom, talking to Maura on many occasions as she changed. She would drape her street clothes on special hangers, sometimes handing them out of the bathroom to Jane herself, instructing her to hang them on a coat rack behind her desk as they had discussed various subjects, usually, but not always, relating to Jane's open cases.

Of course, she'd seen Maura in her bra and panties before but had done her best to avoid staring, out of general courtesy, even though Maura didn't seem to mind if she looked, sometimes parading around her bedroom while getting dressed, asking Jane's opinion on whatever she had chosen to wear for the day or evening, while Jane sat on the honey-blonde's bed, doing her best to avert her eyes.

Well, _parading_ might be too strong of a word, Jane reluctantly realized. She might have just been casually walking around in her underthings and Maura being Maura, didn't care that she was half nude, her own view of herself and nudity in general, a non issue.

Jane, on the other hand, needed to be either in a towel or robe to even leave her own bathroom, even if she was alone in her apartment.

' _God, Maura's right. You are a prude._ ' Flitted briefly through her mind.

She turned her full attention back to her best friend.

Maura unexpectedly stood up straight and stretched, slowly moving her arms out at shoulder height, moving her head from side to side, working out the kinks that had built up in her shoulders and neck, moving her spine from one side to the other, her hands open and then closing into fists as she stretched.

Jane could almost hear the popping of her vertebra as she moved, having heard it many times before in the past at Maura's house in her yoga room. When she was privileged enough to be invited, Jane normally sat watching Maura's routine from the window seat, sipping her beer quietly and pretending to play on her iPad, Maura telling her that this was her own down time and that if Jane herself was going to be in her space during this time, she must not talk, allowing the doctor to focus and release the pent up tension that her job naturally accrued.

Jane was rapt each time she secretly watched, however hard she tried to hide it.

Under normal circumstances, if Jane had seen Maura doing this at work, she would casually walk in and give the doctor a much needed neck and shoulder rub as Jane herself asked for the test results, but in view of her realization of her longtime feelings for the doctor, she wasn't so sure if that was wise anymore, fearful that somehow her mere touch would give away her true attraction.

So she stood, just watching, a slight smile forming on her face, her eyes almost dreamy.

She wondered what it would feel like to place a warm soft kiss at the base of Maura's neck, just where her soft, honey blonde hairline began, her nose grazing the soft locks, where her thumbs have pressed innocently into the tense muscles many times before. She already knew what her hair smelled like, having spent many nights lately spooning her best friend, her face buried in it as she slept.

' _Juniper and citrus_.' She thought wistfully, a small twist of arousal beginning to simmer in her loins.

She then would slowly bend to kiss a little lower, working downward following the small bumps of Maura's spine, down between her shoulder blades, her palms following the line of her ribcage, her fingertips just grazing the round fullness of her breasts from the sides…

"Hey, Det. Rizzoli!" Susie Chang said cheerfully, standing right next to Jane.

"Oh, my God!" Jane jumped, her hand instinctively going to her gun, the other flying up to her mouth. " _Shit_ , Susie!" She tried to gather herself, breathing deeply, but quietly. "Do I have a ' _sneak up on me_ ' sign on my back today?!" She asked sarcastically.

Susie jumped back, as well, almost dropping the stack of files that she was holding.

"I'm sorry!" She apologized profusely, her fear of Det. Rizzoli almost as great as her awe of her. "I didn't mean to do that! Scare you, I mean! It's normally almost impossible to do that to you! Scaring you, I mean! I don't know what happened?!"

She continued to babble until Jane reached over and put her hand on Susie's forearm, gently trying to calm her.

"It's okay, Susie. It's okay." She said, looking at the smaller woman, then back into the morgue hoping that her own outburst coupled with Susie's ongoing chattering hadn't alerted the CME.

To her horror, Maura was already on her way to the big double doors, taking off her latex gloves and tossing them into the biohazard bin.

" _Crap_!" Jane whispered under her breath, prompting Susie to launch into a fresh set of apologies.

"No, no, no, Susie! It's all good! Really!" Jane sputtered, trying to usher the lab tech on her merry way before Maura could ask any questions, knowing that her meek subordinate practically worshiped the ground that Maura walked on, her honesty almost as highly regarded as the doctor's own.

Maura pushed opened the door that they were not standing in front of, eyes concerned.

"What's going on out here?" She asked, brows furrowed.

Jane answered first.

"Nothing." She said innocently, cracking her best smile, dimples pronounced, eyebrows high.

"Mmm, hmmm." Maura said skeptically, turning her attention to Susie. "Not that I don't believe you, Det. Rizzoli, but how about we ask Senior Criminalist Chang?"

"Well, what's going on out here?" She reiterated, addressing Susie.

Susie looked from Jane, whose eyes narrowed, to Maura, who was waiting patiently, eyes soothing, a slight smile on her lips.

Jane knew where Susie's allegiances lay. Chang began talking immediately.

"I was just saying hello to Det. Rizzoli. She was standing here watching you and I was passing by on my way to the transfer lab, so I said hello and I guess I startled her and she jumped and then that startled me, so I jumped and then as I was apologizing she saw you coming over and then she seemed to get angry, so I was just…"

Maura put her hand on Susie's forearm in the exact same spot that Jane herself had just done, but with completely different results.

Susie quieted immediately.

' _Suck up_.' Jane thought to herself.

"Thank you, Susie." Maura said, quietly, gesturing to the files that she held close to her chest. "So you were on your way to the transfer lab, then?"

Susie nodded, wide eyed.

"Very good. Then why don't you just head on over there." Maura instructed, smiling again, patting Susie's arm again. "I'm sure they are waiting on those results."

"Yes, Dr. Isles. Okay." She said, nodding, pushing her glasses up farther onto her nose. "Have a good day…both of you." She looked up at Jane smiling, but gave her a wide berth as she walked around her continuing down the hall presumably to the transfer lab.

Once she was out of earshot, Maura turned her eyes back to Jane, leaning in before speaking, her tone not nearly as soothing.

"Why do you have to scare her all the time?"

Jane stepped back, looking affronted, mouth open. "Scare _her_?! Are you _kidding_?! I was just standing here minding my own business and she snuck up and scared the shit outta _me_!"

"Language, Jane!" Maura said quietly, pushing the door open and walking back into the morgue, her black clogs squeaking on the clean floor.

Jane rolled her eyes, huffing as she followed Maura. "Sorry…I meant to say, she scared the… _feces_ outta me!"

Maura stopped abruptly and turned, causing Jane to almost bump into her.

"Why were you lurking outside the doors anyway?" She asked, eyes narrowing.

Jane looked offended. "I wasn't _lurking_! I was _standing_."

Maura turned and walked back to her microscope, leaning back in over the lenses, eyes focusing again on the slide. "Fine. Then why were you _standing_ outside the doors then?"

Jane backpedaled, knowing there was no way in hell she was ever going to tell the ME her _real_ reasons for lingering outside the big double doors, thankful that Maura had her back to her again.

"You looked busy so I was waiting for you to finish." Jane grimaced and shook her head, closing her eyes, knowing that was the lamest excuse she'd ever made up in her life. She knew Maura wasn't going to buy it either.

She didn't.

Jane stood behind her waiting, hands resting at her belt, her left forearm resting on the top of her gun, leaning against the table behind her.

The doctor stood up and turned around, lips pursed, reaching over next to Jane's hip and taking a pair of fresh gloves from the box that sat on the table that Jane was currently leaning on.

Jane moved out of the doctor's way, a little quicker than she should have, almost as if she didn't want her best friend to touch her.

' _If she touches me, I'm going to spill my guts_!' She thought. ' _Jesus, she smells so good! How does she always smell so good?_ '

Maura noticed but thankfully didn't say anything, remaining focused on Jane's last statement.

" _Really_?" She asked, not immediately putting the gloves on. "You thought I looked busy so you were waiting for me to finish? _Waiting_? Is that what you're going with?"

Jane knew she was busted, but that was her story and she knew as a detective, stick with your initial statement. Many criminals were doing time now because they changed their story.

Jane nodded. "Yep."

Maura took a deep breath and began putting the gloves on.

"Jane, do you remember that outbreak of pneumonia we had last year and the poisoning at Mass General that just so happened to coincide with it?" She asked, snapping first one glove on and then the other.

Jane nodded. " _Duh_? You had like twelve bodies crammed in here! How could I forget that?! Smelled like shi…smelled _really_ bad in here for weeks after!"

Maura corrected. "There were _six_ bodies in here and _three_ waiting in the refrigerator. And yes, the smell was a bit overwhelming."

Jane looked confused. "So what's your point, Maura?"

"My _point_ is, Jane, that even during all of that chaos and as busy as you knew I was, you would still barge in here demanding the results of _your_ autopsies for _your_ cases, even though my morgue was _literally_ overflowing with dead human beings." Maura explained, pointedly.

"Sooooo…your point is?" Jane asked again.

Maura spoke as if she were addressing a child. "Jane, if there was ever a time that I would've preferred that you _wait_ until I wasn't busy, that would've been it! Not while I'm standing here looking at slides of liver tissue riddled with cirrhosis...an obviously horrible death, but not a homicide and _not_ pressing."

"Ah…" Jane nodded. "I'm beginning to see your point, Doctor. That's not my case, is it?" Jane asked, offhandedly, pointing to the microscope, trying to change the subject.

Maura shook her head, not falling for it. "No, it's _not_ , Detective. And stop trying to change the subject. Why were you _standing_ outside of my morgue instead of bursting through the doors, yelling for me like you usually do?"

Jane stood looking at her best friend. She knew she wasn't going to confess her love and now was not the time to bring up the longtime rumors so she defaulted to her last resort, which was not entirely a deception.

"I'm just very tired, Maur." She looked away, sighing quietly. "Between this case and…well, you know…everything else…I zoned out for a second, that's all." She looked back at her friend, smiling weakly.

She felt like shit for not being completely honest, but it was true. She was tired.

Maura smiled back, nodding, understanding exactly what she was trying to say. She spoke quietly but sternly.

"You get this one pass, Jane Clementine Rizzoli. I have a feeling that you aren't telling me the complete truth, but you aren't yourself and haven't been for a while now." Maura paused, making sure that her best friend understood the seriousness in her words, but tempering them with her own brand of humor. "For _you_ to allow Susie Chang to sneak up on you, I _know_ you're not yourself. We've got to figure this out, you and I. Okay? I mean it."

Jane nodded, looking down at her feet.

Maura leaned forward and whispered quietly, holding her own hands close to her chest but not quite touching it so as not to contaminate another pair of gloves. "I love you. You are my best friend and I know you are suffering right now. But I want to assure you that you _will_ get through this." She paused, then adding. " _We_ will get through this…I promise you."

Jane nodded, her eyes finding Maura's, then quickly finding her own feet again.

' _I hope so_.' Jane thought, swallowing the lump that formed in her throat. ' _There's more that you don't know, Maura_. _So much more._ '

R&I R&I R&I

Maura, once again, acknowledged the last five minutes of the conversation, but acted as though she'd forgotten it, allowing Jane her time to gather herself.

She turned back to her microscope, leaning in and concentrating on the visual that the slide provided, turning the dial, increasing and decreasing the magnification, making notes as needed. She moved one slide out of the microscope, placing it in its proper evidentiary holder, sealing it, initialing it, and then carefully placed the next one in, turning the page of her notebook, making the proper entries as needed.

Jane could hear her pen scratching the surface of the paper, it's rhythm almost comforting.

Jane stood behind her, quietly taking the time that Maura had given her to figure out her next move in this one sided dance, not feeling any pressure to speak or explain herself, watching the doctor again, but with considerably less lust and so much more relief.

Jane smiled.

Maura did have a way of giving someone their space, even when she was standing only inches away.

Jane, once again, worked through her conundrum of the rumors, feeling that this was her best course of action, her _best_ way to softly break into how she _really_ felt about Maura.

She began, treading lightly, knowing how smart Maura was and how quickly she would catch on if Jane was not careful.

Unbeknownst to Jane, this is exactly how Frost felt when he was trying to get an angle on she herself and how she felt about Maura.

"So, Frankie said you had our test results?" Jane asked, dipping her toe in the waters, making sure that they were starting anew on their conversation and that no residual residue remained from their last.

Maura stood up and pointed to a file sitting on the next autopsy table, thankfully free of a body. This whole week had been slow, the only case Jane and the squad focusing on was the Lattimore case, a holdover from last week.

She nodded and moved to pick it up, asking Maura the one question that had playing in her mind over and over.

"Why didn't you just give these to Korsak?"

She flipped it open, scanning the results, disappointed that they didn't get her any closer to solving the case.

Maura leaned back over her microscope.

"Because I wanted to see you, Jane." She answered, sending Jane's heart into overdrive. "As we've just discussed, you haven't been yourself and I was concerned. You had another rough night." She adjusted the magnification. "I was worried."

Jane smiled, flipping through the pages of the test results, still disappointed in what they had to offer.

"I'm fine, Maur. Really, I am."

"Have you eaten? You skipped breakfast."

"I had lunch with Frost."

Maura stood up, taking a deep breath, but not turning to face Jane.

"What did you eat? Anything _I_ would consider nutritious?"

"I ordered a side salad instead of fries!" Jane defended her lunch choices. " _With_ a vinaigrette dressing!"

"Did you eat it?" Maura asked, a hint of amusement and foretelling in her question.

Jane was silent.

Maura shook her head, leaning back over her microscope. "Would you consider having dinner with me tonight then? It's not going to be takeout or anything handed to me through a window, which means there will be fresh vegetables involved. So think about your answer carefully."

Jane smiled, leaning forward and pushing her forefinger forcefully into the back of Maura's shoulder, a "Maura" punch, not a "Frost" or "Frankie" punch.

"Sure. _Consider_ it being seriously _considered_."

Maura smiled into her microscope, her shoulder being pushed forward briefly, her eyes never missing one bad squamous cell or stray leukocyte.

Jane smiled, feeling the relief of not being put on the spot anymore, but still wanting to address the rumor situation.

"Soooooo…" she began, throwing Frost under the bus, but feeling completely justified in doing so. "Have you heard that there is a new detective in Narcotics and that Frost is seeing her?"

Maura turned and looked at Jane, eyes unaffected. "Good for him." She said, before turning back to her work. "He needs an outlet, as do we all, I suppose. This is a stressful career. Sex is a very beneficial reliever of that stress."

Jane winced at that, knowing that following Maura's line of thinking, maybe that was why the doctor had been entertaining the new women in her life lately, as well.

She tried to regroup.

"Do you think he's sleeping with her? I mean, they just met." Jane asked, her eyes on the back of Maura's head, willing herself not to let them travel further south. "Have you heard anything?"

"Jane, I'm really not the one to be asking that question. He's your partner." Maura stated plainly, never looking up from her microscope. "I've never participated in office gossip, nor am I the one that might know the answers to any questions involving it. No one includes me in that circle, as they shouldn't. I'm their supervisor. And, quite frankly, I don't want to be included. I've read the studies that say that participating in office gossip reduces productivity by as much as seventeen percent a year. Depending on the profession, of course."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Jane tried to sound unaffected. She bit the bullet and moved forward. "So, you've never heard the rumors that you and I are messing around then?"

Jane held her breath, her heart knocking in her chest.

"Well, as I've said, I don't participate in the rumors…" Maura moved one slide into the evidentiary envelope, sealing it and initialing the flap, and then placed the next one into the microscope, adjusting the magnification, leaning in and looking into it. "…but that doesn't mean I don't hear things from time to time."

Jane closed the file slowly, still standing behind Maura, her heart threatening to kill her. She struggled to maintain her calm breathing, knowing that Maura was listening.

"Yeah?" Jane finally said, as nonchalantly as she dared. "So the precinct assuming that you and me are an item doesn't tick you off?"

Maura smiled, squinting into the lenses again. "You and I."

"What?" Jane asked, her eyes wide.

"You and _I._ " Maura said again. "Grammar, Jane. Not you and me. You and _I._ And why would it?"

Maura stood up and took a deep breath, waiting.

Jane stood directly behind her, still leaning against the table, file in hand, eyes wide, not knowing what to do.

' _Just reach out and touch her, you fool!_ ' Her mind screamed. ' _Put the fucking file down and put your hand on her shoulder! What are you doing?! She's practically handing you an engraved invitation!'_

Jane closed the file but couldn't quite let go enough to follow through.

Maura understood, leaning back into the microscope. "Why would it bother me, Jane?'

"I don't know." Jane said offhandedly. "Maybe because I'm not good enough for you."

Maura chuckled, adjusting the magnification again. "That sounds like something _you_ would say, Jane. Not the rumor mill. I suspect all the rest cared about was who was on top and what the length and circumference of the dildo was. Maybe a few discussed the color of it, but who's to know?"

Jane inhaled loudly.

Maura moved the slide out of the microscope and continued the procedure that she'd been following for all the previous, realizing that Jane was never going to let her guard down and be honest.

Jane swallowed hard, shocked at Maura's words but not at her candor and even more shocked that she'd known about this for all these years and had never said anything.

She needed to think, but she felt that now was the only time she would have to act.

Everything up to this point was still just conjecture.

"So you've heard the rumors then?" Jane asked, stepping closer to Maura, who still continued viewing her slides.

"For years, Jane." She said immediately and matter of factly. "I may be out of the so called 'loop', but I'm not deaf."

"And you don't care?" Jane asked, clasping her hands in front of her, holding the file next to her breasts, very close to touching Maura.

Maura lifted her head up, cricking her back again, the vertebrae audibly cracking, eyes still facing away from Jane. "No, I don't care, Jane. I never have. Your pros have always outweighed your cons by a significant margin."

Maura's eyes went wide, realizing she'd just admitted something she'd not meant to let slip, hoping that Jane wouldn't pick up on it, but deep down knowing better. Jane was a great detective for a reason.

Jane smiled, relief flooding through her entire body, moving the file into her left hand, heading towards the morgue doors, slapping it against her spare hand. "Good to know, Maur. Thanks!"

Jane was almost to the doors before she realized what Maura had admitted to, stopping in her tracks.

She turned and slowly walked back to her best friend.

"What do you mean by my pros outweigh my cons?" She asked, curiously, her head tilted, looking at Maura's back. "And _significantly_ , no less."

Maura clenched her jaw, leaning over her microscope.

"Maura? What do you mean by that?" Jane asked curiously. "How would you know?"

No response.

"Have you already made a list?" Jane asked, teasingly, moving closer to her best friend. " _Really_ , Maura? A list of my pros and cons? Is this list only about _me_ , or does it include _us_ …as a couple?"

No response, but Maura stood up straight and stopped processing the slides.

That action spoke volumes.

Jane walked around the table that the microscopes sat on and stood in front of her best friend, her friend whom she was head over heels in love with, but to whom she hadn't admitted that to just yet and, in light of this new information, might just hold onto for a little while longer.

"You _have_ , haven't you?!" Jane accused. "You've made a list _already_!"

Maura looked down, swallowing, avoiding Jane's eyes, but securing the evidentiary chain just in case.

"Can you please step around to this side of the table? I have at least ten more slides to review and I'd feel more comfortable having this conversation with you if you weren't over there."

Jane, not offended in then slightest, knowing that Maura's work was respected because she _was_ so careful to not contaminate any aspect of it, held her hands up and walked back around the table and stood next to Maura, so close that she could smell her clean and fresh perfume. It accented the smell of her hair flawlessly.

"Sorry." Jane whispered. "A list, huh?"

Maura looked up at Jane, hazel eyes finding chocolate. She was silent, which, once again, spoke volumes.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Jane cut her off.

"Be careful, Maura! Hives, remember?" She said, smiling widely, not used to seeing the doctor so flummoxed. It made her a little bit bolder.

"Yes, Jane." Maura finally answered. "I have made a list."

Jane practically jumped up and down, eyes twinkling, dimples so deep they looked like small holes in her cheeks. "Let me see it!"

"No!" Maura said instantly. "It's private!"

Jane huffed, her shoulders slumping. "Oh, come on, Maura! I wanna see it. I want to see how I stack up in the mind of the brilliant and beautiful Dr. Maura Dorthea Isles."

Maura shook her head, taking her gloves off, walking them to the biohazard bin, tossing them in forcefully.

"Maura!" Jane said loudly. "No fair! I want to see it!"

"No!" Maura said loudly. "Those are my own private and personal thoughts. I will not show it to you, so please just drop it."

"Hmmm…" Jane said, crossing her arm under her breast, holding the file next to her body and tapping the first two fingers of her other hand against her chin thoughtfully. "If I was a private and personal list that I didn't want anyone to see, _where_ would I be?"

Maura crossed her arms over her chest, leaning her weight onto one hip, her eyes narrowed.

"Stop it, Jane! I mean it!" Maura said loudly, knowing full well that if the detective put her mind and her superior detective skills to task, she would most definitely figure out where the now coveted list was hidden.

Jane was having none of it, the mystery presenting her with an outlet to keep her mind busy and off of her own "private and personal" thoughts that have been plaguing her as of late. She wasn't doing it out of malice towards Maura, the thought never even entering her mind, knowing that she would rather die than hurt her best friend's feelings, but the conundrum proving just too intriguing of a riddle to pass up.

"It wouldn't be on your work computer because I'm on it too much and I could accidentally stumble across it." Jane continued, her eyes narrowing as she looked around the morgue, her eyes going to Maura's office.

She looked back at Maura, hoping for any reaction indicating that she might be getting closer. Maura didn't bite, merely leaning back against the autopsy table, arms still folded across her chest, her lips pursed, realizing that Jane most certainly was not going to let it go.

Jane continued. "And _keeping_ with that line of thinking, it's probably not on your personal computer either, since I'm on that one just as much. It's probably not here at work at all. since that would be too risky also, seeing as how anyone could at any time go into your office and accidentally find it, leaving you open to _God_ know's what kind of harassment and ridicule."

Jane paused, saying softly, compassionately. "You've already had enough of that in your life, so you certainly wouldn't do anything that would _voluntarily_ invite it."

Jane smiled, walking towards her office again. "And I _know_ it's not here at work at all, is it? Because even if you had it in your desk in one of the drawers that lock, those locks are so flimsy, _anyone_ could jimmy them open. Child's play really. So, once again, you wouldn't keep it here."

"Jane!" Maura interjected. "Tell me you haven't broken into my desk!"

Jane shook her head. "No, I haven't. I _could've_ , but I haven't ."

Maura looked shocked.

"Oh, _come_ on, Maura! Do you really think I would invade your privacy like that?" Jane asked, looking slightly affronted.

Maura shook her head slowly, knowing full well that her best friend would never do that to her. "I know you wouldn't. Unless, it seems, you thought this fascinating list was actually in one of them." She deadpanned. "So you've had your fun, can we stop this now?"

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Isles, but the game is afoot." Jane said, smiling devilishly, quoting her favorite literary detective.

Maura looked shocked again. "Did you just quote Sherlock Holmes? You've read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?"

Jane appeared affronted again. "Don't looked so stunned, Maura. I _can_ read, you know!"

Maura held her hands out in front of her, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, Jane! I didn't meant to insult you! Obviously, you can read! I just meant that I've never really seen you actually _doing_ it!"

Jane furrowed her brow. "Apology accepted…I think. I mean 'cause you kind of insulted me again towards the end there."

Maura smirked, folding her hands back across her chest. "Are we done here? Don't have some real detective work to do? You know? Up there?" She pointed at the ceiling, presumably referring to the squad room upstairs.

"Why, Dr. Isles!" Jane said with mock indignation. "Are you throwing me out of your morgue?"

"If I said yes, would you stop this ridiculous diatribe about my list and leave?" She deadpanned.

"For now, yes." Jane answered, laughing.

"Then yes, I'm throwing you out of my morgue."

Jane snorted laughter, walking towards the door, turning and walking backwards after she passed the CME so she could watch her reaction as she spoke.

"Nice use of sarcasm there, Maura. I think I'm rubbing off on you! Oooo…wait! Is that that you want? _Me_ rubbing off on _you_?" She laughed, somewhat enjoying watching her best friend squirm uncharacteristically, but also a part of her giddy at being able to openly joke about something that she'd lately only entertained in fantasies.

Maura rolled her eyes, turning to face her best friend. "Really, Jane?! Are we now resorting to infantile locker room humor? It doesn't look good on you."

"Ha!" Jane said loudly. "Yes, it does! It looks _perfect_ on me! I grew up with two infantile younger brothers, remember?! I can do this all day!"

"You are incorrigible!" Maura almost shouted, stomping her foot to make her point. "I'm finished with this conversation!" She lowered her voice, regaining her composure. "I'm not entertaining you anymore. Now you said earlier we were done with this conversation. I'm holding you to your word. Now go." She pointed to the elevators.

"I said, for _now_ , Doctor." Jane laughed. "But, also as I stated earlier, the game is afoot. And once started, it must be completed. See you at dinner! Say around seven?"

"Yay…can't wait." Maura waved, smirking at Jane as she pushed open the doors with her butt.

Maura watched her as she strutted past all the windows that lined the length of the morgue itself, stopping at the last one to give a double thumbs up, mouth open in a wide smile, the file still in her left hand, before turning dramatically, throwing her hair over her shoulder, and walking out of sight.

Maura laughed, despite herself, shaking her head.

"Goofball." She said under her breath, using a word that she'd learned from Jane herself, reaching into the box of gloves again, retrieving a fresh pair. She pulled them on and slid the next specimen into the microscope, taking a deep breath.

"But, she's my goofball, I suppose."

Unknowingly, Maura had never spoke more truer words in her entire life.

 **Well, now we know about the list and what it might contain! Who's still with me here?**


	5. Chapter 5

**OMG! You guys are killing me with your sensational reviews! Thank you all so much for giving my story your attention with your follow and faves and even more love if you did take the time after reading to drop me a line letting me know how I did.**

 **Once again, in the immortal words of Tone Lōc…let's do it.**

The List

Chapter 5

"That was amazing, Maura." Jane said softly, lightly laying her fork and knife onto the edge of the plate, wiping her mouth and dropping the cloth napkin into the middle of it, sighing with satisfaction. "Where did you learn to cook like this anyway? And don't tell me the Internet. I mean, you've cooked some awesome meals in the past, but this one was incredible. That took skills!"

Maura smiled, accepting Jane's compliment with a nod. "Thank you. I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. I've taken a few classes here and there over the years. _Locally_ , of course. As much as I would've wanted to add it to my resume, I don't have the time or the inclination to apply to the CIA, as impressive as it would be to have earned a degree from that institution."

Of course, if Maura _had_ been so inclined, she would only ever consider attending the best culinary school in the country.

"Cooking was always going to be more of a hobby than an occupation for me. I did realize this as an adolescent. Although, cutting up bodies has lent its own hand in my food preparation, especially when slicing vegetables."

Jane grimaced, shaking her head. "Aaaaand, there she is! The Maura that I know and love. Not a great comparison, Doctor. I'd really rather not think about the hands that prepared my dinner tonight as the same hands that cut up poor Mr. Lattimore last week."

She held up her hand, turning her head away from Maura as she tried to apologize. "No, no! It's okay, really! I'm trying to forget that image."

She squeezed her eyes shut dramatically, squinching her nose up, holding her breath.

Maura giggled at Jane's antics, cutting into another bite.

"Okay. It's gone." Jane said with finality, shaking her head, finding Maura's eyes, her own filled with mirth and then confusion.

"Wait? The CIA? Since when does the Central Intelligence Agency offer degrees in _cooking_?"

Of course, leave it to Jane to take the abbreviation straight to law enforcement, as she would, considering the detective's direct connection to it, even though they were actually talking about food.

Maura shook her head, taking another petite bite as she clarified. Once it was swallowed, she continued.

" _Not_ the Central Intelligence Agency, Jane. The Culinary Institute of America located in New York. It's the American equivalent of _Le Cordon Bleu_ in Paris. _Very_ prestigious! Many James Beard Award winners and Michelin Star chefs have graduated from that institution."

Jane nodded, smiling and shrugging politely, her eyes clueless. "Oooookay...learned something new tonight. My best friend secretly wants to be a chef and that performing autopsies is her way of keeping her knife skills sharp so she can slice zucchini…and whatever else was on that plate I just ate."

Maura chuckled, sipping her wine, savoring it.

Watching Maura drink wine was one of Jane's favorite secret indulgences. She observed her, fascinated, but tried to hide it with questions.

"What did you say the name of this dish was?" She asked, nonchalantly, looking down at her plate, moving the cutlery onto it.

Jane looked back up at her best friend, who sat perpendicular to her at the end of the kitchen island so they could see each other and talk as they ate, the doctor smiling as she chewed her food delicately, swallowing completely before answering. Maura placed her knife down onto the edge of her own plate, pleased that Jane enjoyed the meal that she had prepared for her.

"I didn't. I wasn't sure if you'd eat it if you knew. But it's called ratatouille." She wiped the corners of her mouth, laying the napkin back onto her lap lightly. "This one is not exactly traditional, since I did add a protein, making it more of a stew, but you don't take care of yourself properly, so I felt like your body needed the extra calories."

Jane opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

" _Nutritional_ calories, Jane!" She added quickly, seeing the brunette about to rationalize her poor food choices as of late. "A Snickers bar and a handful of Frost's M&M's does not count."

Jane narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at Maura mischievously.

"Those weren't M&M's, smarty pants. They were Skittles. Yes, I know they _look_ similar, but they are _completely_ different candies."

Maura chuckled at Jane's antics, however, she was extremely pleased that the detective had finished her _entire_ dinner portion and in record time, no less. Jane was not known to be a leisurely eater, by any stretch of the imagination, but for her to be done before Maura was barely halfway finished with her own meal, confirmed in her mind just how poorly her best friend had been eating lately.

She made a silent promise to herself to make sure that she gave the detective more consideration as far as her eating schedule was concerned. If she had to pack Jane a nutritious lunch herself and bring it to work with her from now on, dropping it off at her best friend's desk before heading to her own, she would, knowing that Jane wouldn't do it for herself.

Jane clarified. "M&M's are chocolate, Maura…Skittles are… _candy_."

Maura shook her head.

" _Regardless_ , Jane. They are empty calories with zero nutritional value."

"But chocolate is good for you! You said so yourself!" She said, shaking her head.

"No, I _said_ that chocolate higher in cocoa content and almost devoid of processed sugar is _better_ for you than the milk chocolate you insist upon eating. And if you are going to eat it at all, dark chocolate is the best, especially if it contains seventy percent or more cocoa. And even then, in _moderation_ , Jane. Not shoving it hand over fist into your mouth at every given opportunity." Maura stated matter of factly.

Jane grumbled.

Maura picked up her wine glass and sipped the chilled Pinot Grigio that she had selected to accompany the meal, still amazed at how this accidental discovery complemented her dish absolutely perfectly. She held Jane's eyes until she swallowed, internally amused at the face that her best friend was currently making.

It was a last minute decision to include it, as she had been pressed for time, even though she was sure Jane wouldn't be drinking it. The preparation of the meal had taken longer than she'd anticipated, thinly slicing all the vegetables to be a proportionate size with one another proved to be her undoing, leaving no time for her to properly decant a full bodied Cabernet, her first choice.

She made a mental note to make this winery and the wine it produced a bona fide choice to be offered at the next Rizzoli family dinner, almost sure that Jane's mother and siblings wouldn't appreciate its bold dry citrus notes and subtle crisp apple finish, but also knowing that it would complement almost any dish that she or Angela decided to serve.

Ignorance of the origins of flavor didn't mean it was any less enjoyed.

"Wait! What did you call it? Rata…what?" Jane asked, smiling as she watched Maura savor the wine, closing her hazel-green eyes and swirling it over her tongue, not even aware that she was doing it, swallowing with a slight smile, then licking her lips, placing the fine delicate stemware back onto the granite countertop of the island with a quiet clink, nodding to herself.

Maura opened her eyes, finding Jane's twinkling back at her, eyebrows raised.

"Hello? Earth to Maura. That must be good for you to space out like that. I repeat, rata… _what_?" Jane asked again, sipping her beer, licking her own lips, placing the bottle down on the same countertop with a similar clink, only slightly deeper, the glass density a little thicker.

"Ratatouille. And it's excellent. You really should try some." Maura repeated, referring to the wine, smiling picking up her knife again and slicing through the thinly layered vegetables in front of her, delicately stabbing into several and running them around the edge of the plate, picking up the gravy and then using the knife to fold the ground meat over her small bite before forking it into her mouth, chewing primly.

Jane looked confused.

Maura didn't elaborate until after she swallowed, talking with food in her mouth an impossibility, her upbringing insuring it.

"It's a peasant dish believed to have originated in Nice." She explained, watching as Jane's brow creased deeper. "That's a city in southern France."

"I know where _Nice_ is, Maura. Tell me you didn't just secretly feed me an actual _rat_?" Jane asked, her eyes becoming only somewhat concerned. "I mean, you've made me try some crazy food in the past, but I refuse to believe that I just ate a _rodent_!"

Maura laughed, cutting another bite, leaning over her plate, pulling the food off of her fork delicately with her lips, shaking her head as she chewed. Once again, she swallowed before answering.

"No, of course not. Not _tonight_ , anyway." Maura impulsively decided she would tease Jane, having been on the opposite end of this scenario many times in the past, realizing that Jane's lack of knowledge about food would always level the playing field.

"Finding decent _legal_ edible rodents in this country is extremely difficult. Especially on such short notice. I mean, as you know, I _am_ rich and powerful, but getting credible guinea pig so late in the day is _impossible_ this time of year."

Jane visibly paled. She swallowed a couple of times quickly before Maura's genuine hearty laughter pulled her back into the moment.

"You are kidding, right?"

Maura sipped her wine again, putting off the inevitable for as long as she could.

Jane waited, gripping her beer bottle tightly, but suddenly too nauseated to drink from it, realizing that what her best friend suggested was quite possibly an _actual_ thing.

Maura's eyes twinkled over the rim of her glass, holding Jane's until she placed it back on the countertop, swallowing, the smile never leaving her lips.

She swirled the remaining wine around in the glass, moving the base of it around between her fingers on top of the granite itself, aerating it as she watched it intently. The glass moved smoothly over the clean polished granite making the slightest muffled scraping noise.

She still unconsciously savored the wine, moving her tongue around inside of her mouth, tipping her hand to Jane.

Jane shook her head, smirking, realizing that Maura was toying with her.

Anyone that enjoyed wine as much as Maura, couldn't possibly be so demented.

Hannibal Lecter was an anomaly.

"You're messing with me, aren't you?" Jane asked.

"Maybe." She smiled at Jane's reaction, deciding to come clean, unable to keep up a ruse for very long, it's intricacies too close to lying for her own brain to process. Hives would be following shortly and she didn't want to ruin her time with Jane by having to inject herself with a Benadryl EpiPen and then spend the rest of the night in bed covered in Calamine lotion.

"Relax, Jay." Maura laughed. "You were eating ground Kobe' beef. Perfectly _legal_ and perfectly delicious. Although, some would consider it blasphemous to grind the delicate meat as I did today. My butcher almost had a cardiac episode."

Jane took a healthy sip of her beer, relief showing in her slouching posture.

Maura smiled at her best friend. "Rest assured that I would never have you try something new without telling you exactly what it was before you ate it. Although, I have been tempted at times, Jane. Your limited palate and reluctance to try _anything_ outside of your comfort zone is frequently a disappointment given the countless choices of food that exist in this great city."

Jane grumbled, deadpanning. "Is this your roundabout way of attempting to get me to try snails again?"

Maura chuckled, recalling the horror that crossed Jane's face the first time they had dined at her favorite French restaurant together and Maura had ordered the dish, waiting until it arrived at the table before explaining to Jane what it actually was and how it should be eaten.

"It's called _escargot_ , Jane." Maura explained again, much as she had that night, her eyes twinkling, lifting another bite into her mouth.

Jane grimaced, curling her lip at the thought. "Call it what you like, Doctor, it's going to always be an escar- _no_ for me!"

Maura burst into laughter, leaning backwards, covering her mouth with her napkin, lest Jane actually see food in it.

It was the sweetest sound that Jane had ever heard in her life and it never got old, no matter how many times she had heard it in the past. She always secretly vowed every time it happened to do her best to try and make it happen again, wherever and whenever she could.

She laughed with the doctor, sipping her beer again.

"I'm glad I amuse you."

Maura swallowed, nodding, wiping the corners of her mouth, and then her eyes, before replacing the napkin in her lap.

"You do, Jane. You always do. Your sense of humor, as _sarcastic_ as it is, is one of your greatest assets." She smiled almost coyly, realizing too late that she had just opened the door to the subject that she had surreptitiously been trying to avoid all night, her smile disappearing quickly.

Jane, of course, picked up on Maura's easy segue immediately, realizing that it was the opening that she had been waiting for, trying _not_ to be the one to bring up their previous conversation that she had shared with her best friend in the morgue earlier that day, but the comment was too much of a temptation to pass up.

"Assets, huh?" She asked, putting her beer bottle down on the counter again, twirling it slowly between her thumb and forefinger, holding Maura's eyes, her own now twinkling. "Don't you mean it's one of my greatest _pros_?"

Maura held her eyes, her own narrowing, deciding if she should give away this slightest tidbit of tantalizing information or not, knowing it would only encourage Jane.

She decided to seize the day, her heart beginning to beat a little faster, hoping that this might be a tipping point for Jane, realizing that she herself would be okay with whatever the detective proposed.

"It most definitely is one of your _many_ pros." She winked almost imperceptibly at the brunette, wiping her mouth delicately one final time, dropping the napkin onto her plate, before standing and reaching for Jane's own.

 _'Oh, shit! Is she flirting with me?_ ' Jane thought quickly. ' _Did she just wink at me?! Or is this all just wishful_ _thinking? Get it together, Rizzoli!'_

Jane was somewhat taken aback by Maura's boldness and didn't realize what was happening until Maura was already dropping the soiled linens into the small bin she kept hidden under her sink just for this use, collecting them at the end of the week to be laundered.

"Wait!" Jane said, holding her hand out, startling the honey blonde, suddenly standing, quickly making her way around the island, moving next to Maura, their shoulders barely touching, so close that Jane could smell the intoxicating scent of Maura's expensive perfume.

' _She always smells so good._ ' Jane thought quickly.

Their eyes met briefly and held, a moment in time, frozen. Two heartbeats synched…but only momentarily. Jane broke the spell, not quite ready to commit to her feelings and all that they entailed.

She stepped away from the doctor slightly.

"That's my job, remember? The person who cooks doesn't do the dishes, too. Especially after that meal." She smiled at Maura. "Gimme."

She gestured for the silverware that Maura was holding, wiggling her fingers on her open palm towards the cutlery.

Maura smiled and carefully placed them in Jane's hand, understanding but disappointed, nonetheless.

"Thank you." Jane said, before hip checking Maura, scooting her away from the sink. "Now go! Sit! Enjoy your frou frou Pinot Greenio!"

Maura allowed herself to be pushed away from the sink, eyes filled with amusement, knowing that Jane always diffused uncomfortable situations with humor.

"It's pronounced _Grigio_." Maura corrected, almost positive that Jane was being flippant. "And thank _you_. For doing the dishes, I mean. That's very sweet of you."

Jane looked up from the sink, smiling. "Is that another one of my pros, Maura? That I'm _sweet_?"

Maura shook her head and rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath, sitting back onto her barstool. "Not at this _exact_ moment, you're not. At this _exact_ moment, you are aggravating. And you're also not getting anything more from me about that regrettable list, so you can just stop trying to goad me into revealing information regarding it, _Jane_."

Jane laughed, focusing on her task, carefully scraping the plates into the compost bin and turning on the tap, adjusting the temperature and then running the dishes under it.

She spoke cryptically. "You don't have to tell me anything else about the list, Doctor. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to find it and then I can read it for myself." She paused before adding.

"And you're gonna help me."

R&I R&I R&I

Maura sat pensively watching as Jane dried her hands on the dish towel, folding it nicely and then placing it back on the counter where she found it.

Jane knew she was being watched, a small smile ghosting across her lips. She purposefully took her time, knowing that it was driving Maura crazy, the suspense of Jane's end game perplexing the doctor.

Maura did not like unknowns. Jane knew this and used that knowledge, always happy to gain any advantage she could concerning the genius pathologist, knowing they weren't easy to come by.

She went to the wine fridge and took out the open bottle of Pinot and twisted out the cork with a slight squeak and then a satisfying pop, slowly walking to her seated best friend, finding her eyes, still smiling serenely. She refilled her glass, before replacing the cork, tamping it in securely with the palm of her hand once, returning it to the refrigerator.

Jane then opened the larger fridge and took out another beer for herself, reaching into the proper drawer, finding the opener and popping the cap off, tossing it into the trash as she replaced the opener back where she found it.

She spread her open palm on the cool granite countertop and then leaned into it, taking a long pull from her beer, swallowing, then smiling again slyly, one eyebrow raised.

She did all this in complete silence.

Maura observed this slow, deliberate solo ballet silently, her heart beginning to quicken. Jane was gearing up for something, but for what, she was unsure. She did know that she felt extremely uncomfortable, but not for the reasons that the detective surmised, nor the ones that she herself could have foreseen.

Yes, she was still horrified that Jane may indeed deduce where her list was currently hidden, _positive_ that she would, in fact, knowing Jane as well as she did.

But as she watched her best friend casually walk around her kitchen, knowing where everything was kept and how she herself liked things placed, the single and singular Jane Rizzoli, suddenly became, in her mind, seemingly perfectly domesticated, and Jane herself, in that same moment, became perfectly content with that fact.

Maura's attraction exploded, almost to the point of full disclosure.

She'd been denying herself for so long, filling the space where Jane belonged with imposters, attempting to quell the need that only her best friend could truly satisfy. But their conversation in the morgue earlier that day had given her hope that Jane was ready. And realizing that, she finally allowed herself to be ready as well.

She'd seen almost every aspect of her best friend's personality possible in the past seven years, but this one was completely different…and almost too much for Maura to handle, it's simplicity and complexity blurring into one combustible force, the wall holding her resolve intact threatening to collapse under the sheer visuality alone.

In other words, Jane looked good strutting around her kitchen, acting like the cat that ate the proverbial canary, except she exuded a secret calmness and familiarity that maybe even Jane herself didn't realize.

If Maura was honest with herself, she would admit that she looked more than good, she looked… _delicious_.

Maura's mind kept with the theme of food that they'd just been discussing.

Jane suddenly carried herself with a confidence and assurance that she had never exhibited before and with an underlying raw sexuality that Maura could not ignore. And quite frankly, she was tired of feeling as though she had to.

She realized that the detective now knew how attractive that Maura herself found Jane and she was casually using that attraction to her own advantage, almost, but not _quite_ , flirting with her.

Couple that with the dark red button down shirt now _unbuttoned_ down past her breasts, the white tank underneath clearly visible and her raven hair now laying on her shoulders free and as untamed as ever, Maura had to consciously focus her mind and thoughts away from her instinctual and uncontrollable physical reactions to the gorgeousness that was her best friend.

Jane had already taken off her jacket, hanging it on the coat rack that stood just inside of the front door, her badge and gun placed into the drawer in the table that sat in her foyer.

Maura knew what that meant. Jane also knew when she did it what that meant.

It meant that Jane was staying for the night.

Whether it was in the guest room or in Maura's own bed, at this point, was unclear and undecided.

She struggled to focus.

Her mouth began to water involuntarily, her pupils so completely dilated that her eye color was barely discernible. Her face and neck were warm and her heart was hammering in her chest.

But the most uncontrollable aspect of her obvious arousal, and thankfully also the most hidden, was that Maura was suddenly wetter than she'd ever been in her entire life. She could feel it pooling just at the entrance to her sex, tickling her inner folds as it moved outward. She squeezed her vaginal muscles, trying to squelch its progress, but only succeeding in making the situation worse, stimulating the nerves that were already tingling. She was sure that if she didn't excuse herself soon and go to the bathroom and wipe it away, it would begin to soak through her lace panties and then, most assuredly, through the dress that she sat on, as well.

She was also aware that if she shifted her crossed legs or moved her pelvis in any way, she might not have a choice in what happened next. Her body was ready for release.

Then Jane would know immediately how she felt about her best friend because she couldn't sit on this bar stool all night and she certainly couldn't squelch her vocalizations or her breathing enough if the unimaginable happened.

And if Jane showed one iota of interest in pursuing a relationship with her, casual or serious, at this exact moment, Maura would immediately acquiesce.

No questions asked and no explanations given…neither needed or wanted.

Maura had been in love with Jane for years, waiting for her best friend to realize that she felt the same way.

Thus far, Jane had been repressing her feelings until just recently. The doctor knew she was primed for an admission of those feelings, the nightmares that had unexpectedly returned breaking down her defenses, coupled with the veiled admissions in the morgue earlier today.

Maura pondered if those nightmares held the reasons for her recent overall vulnerability.

The doctor had kept her feelings in check all this time, but seeing how Jane had reacted to her own knowledge of the ongoing rumors that had been floating around the precinct, Jane's defenses had wavered, allowing Maura a glimpse into how far Jane's true attractions were buried.

And they had been buried deep…but now that they were bubbling up out of the very ground that Jane stood upon…bubbling up uncontrollably and unfettered, Maura wanted to be there to steady her when they finally burst through. She was certain it would be happening soon.

And the way Jane looked while still fighting those feelings took Maura's breath away. She couldn't imagine what her best friend would look like when she finally set them free.

Jane mistook Maura's intense stare for fear and not the lust that it clearly was, her ability to read faces and the secrets that they held not as keen as Maura's own, especially as it pertained to the intense emotion being aimed towards her directly, having never seen it so apparent in Maura's eyes before.

Jane was more in tune with body language, so Maura made sure to keep her's neutral. She watched Jane casually, sipping her wine again, all of these thoughts swirling around inside her head much as the wine in her glass had earlier.

Jane walked back around to the opposite side of the island, beer in hand, facing the living room, the kitchen at her back, the sofa and living room directly in front of her. She positioned her body in between the bar stools, leaning directly back onto the granite countertop of the island itself, propping herself up on her right elbow.

She sipped her beer casually with her left hand.

Maura followed her with her eyes, licking her lips, moving her hands into her lap.

"What are you doing, Jane?" Maura asked, trying to control the tremor that threatened.

Jane took another sip of her beer, looking slyly over at her best friend.

"Finding your list."

R&I R&I R&I

Jane scanned the open floor plan of Maura's ground floor living space, surveying it, making small mental notes and thinking about the proper questions she would ask the doctor to lead her in the right direction and then to her ultimate goal…Maura's list.

"I think it's down here on the first floor." Jane said, more to herself than to Maura.

She looked over at her best friend who took a deep breath, straightening her posture, which was hard considering that Maura always sat with her spine stock straight. It was a dead give away.

"Well, now I _know_ it is. Thank you, Maura."

"Jane, you can stop this at anytime, you know." Maura said, irritation in her voice.

"You're right, Maura. I could." She turned and winked at the doctor. "But once it's started, it has to be finished."

Maura's heart fluttered at Jane's wink, even through her irritation.

"It's not a law that you continue. You could stop if you wanted." Maura said, taking a gulp of her wine.

Jane looked at Maura, eyes wide in mock disapproval. "Does Sherlock Holmes just _stop_ once the investigation has begun?! _Never_!" She said demonstratively, pointing to the ceiling.

Maura quirked her mouth, shaking her head at Jane, her hazel eyes narrowed. "You are _not_ Sherlock Holmes."

Jane turned quickly and gasped, her free hand flying to her chest. "I'm hurt, Maura! Truly, _deeply_ hurt!"

Maura took another deep breath, rolling her eyes, knowing that trying to deter or talk Jane out of this farce was futile at this point. Her only recourse was to at least try and make it as difficult for the detective as she could by not telegraphing any more hints with her body.

Jane saw the resignation in Maura and smiled, turning back to face the living and dining rooms.

"Now where were we?" She asked rhetorically, sipping her beer again, narrowing her eyes, scanning the rooms again.

"And you are no Dr. Watson either, just so you know." She said offhandedly, turning and looking at Maura again briefly before turning her attention back to the task at hand. "At least he _supported_ his best friend when he was in the middle of an investigation."

Maura snorted laughter before she could control it, covering her mouth quickly.

She then retorted smartly. "I'm sure he _wouldn't_ have been so supportive if his best friend was trying to find something that wasn't meant to be found."

Jane turned and looked back at Maura, smiling. "I see your point, Dr. Isles. Now stop trying to distract me, please."

Maura held up her hands, closing her eyes and shaking her head. "I am so sorry. Please continue."

Jane bowed her head. "Thank you. Nooooow…once again, _where_ were we?" She seemed almost giddy at the prospect of solving this mystery.

She sat her beer down, crossing her arm under her breasts, resting her other arm over it, and cradled her chin pensively, tapping her lips with her forefinger.

She slowly walked over to the large built in bookshelves that lined the far dining room wall, floor to ceiling, each filled to capacity with books of all shapes and sizes, categorized alphabetically. She walked from one end of it to the other slowly, scanning the various titles, periodically turning and looking at Maura.

She sat completely relaxed, sipping her wine, watching Jane with a slight smile on her face.

"Well, it's not over here. I know that." Jane said with finality. "But I'm curious. Where did you get this…and _why_?"

She pulled a large book off the shelf and opened it to a random page, turning it around for Maura to see.

"The Prehistory of Sex: Four Million Years of Human Sexual Culture by Timothy Taylor." Maura said, recognizing the book immediately, as she would any tome that Jane chose to show her. "It's a very interesting book, Jane. A little dry but you know that I find human sexuality extremely fascinating. The title is pretty self explanatory, don't you think?" Maura paused. "Why? Do you want to borrow it?"

Maura smiled slyly, knowing that Jane was somewhat squeamish when it came to anything sexual in nature, even if it was just an informative book akin to a textbook that any student might own as a companion to a course they were studying at university.

Jane turned several pages slowly, eyes wide. She closed it soundly and put it back on the shelf as if it might bite her. She turned to look at Maura, who was chewing her lip, trying not to laugh out loud at her best friend, her eyes twinkling.

"No, I do not." Jane said, walking back towards the kitchen.

"It's okay if you want to, Jay." Maura said, smiling, barely containing her laughter now. "I promise, I won't tell anyone. There's another one two shelves down on the left that's more of a picture book if that one is too wordy for you."

"Ha. Ha." Jane said, sarcastically. "You are soooooo funny. Where _do_ you get your sense of humor?"

Maura laughed again. "Considering my present company, I think that's pretty obvious, don't you?"

Jane clucked her tongue, then returned to her place in between the bar stools, facing the living room again. She became serious.

"Okay, what do we know, Doctor? The list is on the first floor and it's not anywhere near the bookshelves, which quite frankly, I'm _so_ relieved to know. Because, you have a shit ton of books and I didn't want to have to narrow down which one it was in."

"Language." Maura interjected, frowning causing Jane to smile sheepishly and mouth the word "sorry" before she continued, turning back to the living room.

"But not to say that it is _not_ in a book, just not in any of _those_ books."

Maura cleared her throat and Jane turned to look at her friend.

"Are you okay?" Jane asked, making a note of Maura's reaction to her question.

She swallowed and then took a quick sip of her wine, nodding as she placed it carefully back onto the countertop.

"I'm fine."

"You sure? You look a little pale." Jane asked, considering ending her fun if Maura asked again. She honestly didn't know why she herself insisted on continuing with it now.

' _You do know why, Jane._ ' She thought to herself, almost ashamed. ' _You are showing off for her, hoping to impress her with the one thing you know you're good at. You know she's watching you and you like it.'_

Maura waved away her concern, knowing every sound, move and gesture that she made right now was being intensely observed and filed away for future use.

Jane smiled and turned back towards the living room.

"Well, I _definitely_ think that this list is on paper and not on any kind of electronic device. As I said earlier today, you'd be too worried someone, _probably_ me, would stumble on it. And even with you and your firewalls and crazy hard passwords, you'd be scared that you'd get hacked. So it's on paper, I'm sure of it." She looked over at Maura, who tried to look as casual as she could, but wasn't succeeding.

"Besides, you'd want to be able to…what's the word…" Jane thought for a second, "... _amend_ it easily. You know, add more _pros_ as you discovered them, removing the _cons_ since the more you got to know me, you realized they didn't bother you so much anymore." Jane said, cutting her eyes towards Maura, laughing.

Maura shook her head, closing her eyes, sipping her wine again.

"I'm not encouraging you, Jane. You get nothing from me." She said, seriously, a slight smile on her own face, causing Jane to laugh harder.

Jane continued once she caught her breath.

"And as much as you _hate_ it, it's handwritten, even though your handwriting is perfect." Jane added offhandedly, addressing her friend directly. "It is perfect, by the way, Maur. And you being a doctor, that's saying something."

Maura smiled, a slight blush creeping up her neck. "Thank you."

Jane nodded and closed her eyes before she continued.

"You hand wrote it because, once again, you wouldn't even trust _composing_ it on a computer and printing it out, knowing that even if something is deleted, it's never truly gone. You also hate it because you want your perfect margins and bullet points…no, you _need_ your perfect margins and bullet points, and maybe the option to even chose the font. Helvetica or Calibri Regular?" She asked, laughing, getting only an eye roll from Maura in return.

"And, your need for order, symmetry and neatness forces you to rewrite the whole _entire_ thing each time you change it, because just putting a line through something to cross it out would clutter up the page. I know this for a fact because I saw you writing your speech when you were chosen to speak at BCU's graduation two years ago and your internet was out. It drove me _bonkers_ just watching you."

She turned to Maura and shook her head, rewarded with an understanding nod.

"And to finish up, my dear Dr. Watson, it's probably in a plain white self sealing envelope, folded into three perfect sections, the creases so crisp they could cut you."

Jane didn't speak these words directly to Maura, but said them out loud, still facing the living room, dramatically holding her hands in front of her at chest level envisioning her own words, her eyes scanning the room again.

She slowly brought her open fingers into loose fists, taking a deep breath. She dropped them to her waist, but continued to look forward.

As Maura watched Jane, her arousal, which had earlier stalled, slowly began to build again as the detective was unknowingly describing her list perfectly. It was as if Jane were standing behind her when she wrote it, folded and sealed it. Now, the only thing left for her to do was to find it.

Maura was perfectly convinced after watching Jane thus far that she most definitely would.

She knew that Jane was a great detective, but witnessing her up close and personal _actually_ using her skills to solve this riddle was beyond enticing. It showed a side to the normally brash, stubborn and sarcastic woman that the rest of the world rarely got to witness. She was allowing Maura to see just how intelligent and capable she truly was deep down and that was the ultimate attraction for the doctor, sexual or otherwise. As beautiful as Jane was physically, it was her brain that made Maura weak in the knees.

Frost thought that a gorgeous woman that didn't know it was the ultimate turn on.

Maura would disagree with him.

An intelligent woman that wasn't afraid to show it was the epitome of sexual gasoline.

She also knew what Jane was doing. She knew that Jane was posturing for her, attempting to win her favor with her detecting prowess, much the same way a peacock shrieks and then displays his beautiful tail feathers for his intended peahen, strutting and fanning them out for her to see, hoping that he will be the one that wins her heart.

Unknowingly, Jane had shown her own hand to Maura, telling her without words but gestures and actions that the detective had chosen the doctor as _her_ intended.

Maura was thrilled. It was the first time in their entire relationship that Jane had voluntarily shown Maura how much she truly amorously loved her and was attracted to her. Even though she didn't know she was doing it, Jane was vying for her attention and her affections.

Once Maura had identified the real reason behind Jane's insistence on continuing this game, she also knew that she wouldn't stop her from completing it, no matter how uncomfortable it made her.

Watching the mating dance that her best friend was performing just for her was too mesmerizing.

If Jane wanted to see her list and she was willing to work this hard for it, then so be it. Little did Jane know that Maura would gladly hand it over right now if it insured that after it was read, they could be together.

Maura sat passively watching Jane intently, knowing that soon she would get to the crux of this entire display…actually revealing where the list was hidden, her mating dance complete.

Jane then turned to face Maura, picking up her beer, taking a long pull, sitting it back down, watching Maura, the sly smile returning.

"Well?" Maura asked, eyebrows raised. "You've been talking an awful lot tonight about my list, but I still don't see it."

"Patience, Watson." She turned back to the living room, still holding her beer. "It's here…and _very_ close."

She turned to look at Maura again, who still sat passively.

Jane smiled again. "Very good, Maura. You are finally not telling me something I need to know with your body as you've been doing all night."

Jane internally cringed after she heard how that sounded and how that could've been taken by Maura. She quickly turned back to the living room, praying that Maura wouldn't comment.

' _Too bad you haven't been paying more attention to my face, Jane.'_ Maura thought, smiling sweetly at the brunette's back. ' _You would already know where that list is, because I want you so badly right now, all you have to do is ask.'_

Maura continued to smile but chose to hold her tongue, knowing that if the list was actually found and read, there would be enough time for embarrassment and apologizes, if necessary…on both of their parts.

Jane tried to recover.

"Anyway, I'm sure you've chosen to hide it in plain site. _Positive_ , in fact."

She spoke her next words in an Australian accent, having made Maura on several occasions watch the movie that made them famous, much to Maura's chagrin. The movie was extremely inaccurate.

"Clever girl."

She turned and looked at Maura smiling, but seeing the look in her eyes, turned quickly back around, swallowing loudly.

' _Oh, my God! She's so fucking gorgeous when she has that look on her face!_ ' Jane thought, her own blush making its way up her neck.

Jane knew that look and what it meant, because she'd seen it on her own face in the mirror many times before when she'd been in Maura's bathroom brushing her teeth or washing her face and Maura had walked in and asked Jane to zip her dress or help her put on a necklace or clasp a bracelet.

She'd done as she was asked each time, toothpaste oozing from the side of her mouth or water dripping from her chin, eyes focused on her own fingers, too scared to look up or around until Maura had left the room.

But then she would look up into the mirror, toothbrush dangling from her mouth or washcloth forgotten in the sink and there it was...that look.

That look was desire.

She cleared her throat, still knowing something that Maura didn't, holding it close to her heart, waiting for the right moment to reveal it.

Jane stood up tall, pushing herself off of the island and away from the chairs, resigning herself to her fate, but determined to see this through, regardless of the outcome.

She'd started it and now she would finish it, her confidence in her ability to solve this mystery never wavering, hoping that when it was over, she would finally have the answers she needed.

"It's here. _Right_ here. Right in front of me and has been all along." She stated with little emotion, ready for this to be over even though she was the one who started it and continued it.

She turned and looked at Maura again, licking her lips, giving her one last opportunity to stop her from revealing everything.

Maura maintained her passive posture and also her intense gaze. She leisurely sipped her wine again, smiling, nodding, not agreeing with Jane's statement, but conveying that she herself wanted her to continue.

Maura wanted Jane to put the last piece into the puzzle, knowing it would either bring them together or blow them to smithereens…either way, anything was better than this purgatory they'd both been walking through for so many years.

Jane smiled back, nodding and then turning back to face the living room. She walked over to the credenza and placed her hand on it. It had three drawers, all in a horizontal row.

She opened the middle one, knowing now that it was full of her hair ties, turning to Maura and pointing into it.

"I'm sorry about this." She apologized sheepishly yet sincerely. "I'm an insensitive slob and I'm _so_ very sorry. I know you are just putting up with me sometimes and shit like this is the reason." She held up her hand and "shhh'd" Maura before she could admonish her again for her bad language. "I can't say that I can keep it, but I promise to _try_ to never do this again."

Maura smiled, thankful, Jane always having a way to put her own spin on things and always knowing just what to say to let Maura know that she accepted Maura's own need to have certain things done her own way, lending no judgements of her own.

Maura laughed, nodding. "Finally. I feel like Hansel and Gretel sometimes. I know _exactly_ where you've been."

Jane joined her in her laughter, always happy to connect in any way with Maura.

Jane pointed to the drawer again.

"So this will be the designated 'Jane's hair tie' drawer from now on, okay? _If_ that's okay with you? I mean, it's centrally located and c'mon, you've seen me in the morning. Whether it's my house or yours, I _always_ need one." Jane stated the obvious. "And you've already got me set up here."

Maura nodded, just happy that this issue had been addressed and by Jane herself. She had grown weary of collecting Jane's "bread crumbs" over the years.

Jane slowly closed the drawer, looking back to Maura, who sat watching Jane intently, once again.

"And then there's _this_ drawer." She said gesturing to the drawer to her left, placing her hand on the table's surface just above it.

"I know what's in this drawer. No need to open it. It's filled with all kinds of things…paper clips, rubber bands, office thingy's, etcetera, your version of the 'junk' drawer that everyone has somewhere in their home. Although, you being you, it's waaaay more organized! But…I also know that it's filled with those expensive gel pens that you like so much, in various colors. The same pens that you probably use to _amend_ your list."

Jane paused before adding softly. "Your list…that is in…"

She slowly walked backwards two steps, sliding her hand across the surface of the table, bypassing the middle drawer, settling over the third and final drawer.

"…this drawer."

 **Did she find it?! Let me know what you think! If you are a true fan, you already know what is in that drawer. As always, I love your input and your reviews!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for all of your follows and faves! And for the those that take the time to drop me a line and let me know how I'm doing, high five! I hid and Easter egg in this chapter. My only hint is that it is a very special date…to all of us! And apparently to Maura, as well. Let me know if you figure it out!**

The List

Chapter 6

Jane stood looking at Maura, hand still flat on the top of the desk directly above the third and final drawer, still unopened, smiling sweetly, brows raised above twinkling coffee eyes.

Maura met Jane's amused gaze with her own curious one, hazel-green holding dark brown.

"Well?" Maura asked, carefully turning directly to face the detective, her crossed legs angling towards the left, one hand on the countertop, the other resting primly on her knee, delicate bare feet on the crossbar of the stool, her posture still perfectly straight. "I suppose the final act of this brilliant show of your detective skills is to dramatically open the drawer and reveal your prize. So, please, end my suspense, Det. Rizzoli. Open the drawer."

She shifted slightly on the barstool, an almost imperceptible grimace flitting across her mouth, her eyes closing briefly, her breath held.

Jane saw this, but misinterpreted it. She jumped to the assumption that it was because she was right and Maura was understandably upset with her. She dropped her eyes to the CME's legs that she'd suddenly made so visible, not sure which to focus on, her beautiful eyes, gorgeous legs…or the production that Jane herself now wished she'd never even begun.

She licked her lips involuntarily, moving her eyes slowly back to Maura's eyes, then back to her legs, trying her best not to ogle both.

Maura, of course, saw everything, adding fuel to her own fire.

What Jane didn't know was that her best friend was very near a spontaneous orgasm and making every effort to thwart it, the list the least of her worries at this particular moment, her drenched panties giving her the most glorious slick friction as she turned on the stool.

Jane stepped away from the drawer, reluctantly pulling her eyes away from Maura's legs, leaning over towards the island, picking up her beer, taking a quick sip, backing up and placing her hand back over the drawer, beer still in hand, suddenly nervous.

"Are you sure, Maura?" Jane asked, aware that she was positive about her deductive skills and that she was about to possibly either ruin a friendship or force her own hand, something that she wasn't sure that she was ready to do, but having let her game get this far, had no other choice.

Maura saw the regret in Jane's eyes and in her subtle facial expression, but decided that enough was enough. She wanted Jane and knew that Jane wanted her, regardless of how her best friend had been acting towards her throughout the years.

She had been doing some detecting of her own over the past couple of months, although not physically. Her deductions had been merely observatory. Since the nightmares had returned, Jane had been subtly telegraphing her attractions towards she herself. For whatever reason, the nightmares had made Jane vulnerable and also overly protective of Maura, almost predatorily so, but the brunette was completely unaware that she was acting in this manner.

Jane had always made sure to look out for her best friend in the past. Simple things, such as walking on the outside when they strolled down a busy sidewalk, telling her when to expect a curb, a step or warning her of an unexpected dip or rise in the cement, holding her open hand in front of Maura's stomach, halting her from walking out into busy traffic, even though the doctor was perfectly capable of seeing all these things herself.

But just recently, she'd doubled her efforts, caring acts that Maura had once considered sweet and bordering on chivalrous, now becoming almost annoying. Jane also now constantly scanned any area that they happened to find themselves in, her eyes moving around the room, crowd or even crime scenes, incessantly looking for something or someone. It were as if she couldn't relax unless they were alone, either at her house or Jane's own apartment. Maura had even seen her do this at BPD Headquarters, seemingly the safest place on Earth for both of them to be, surrounded by fellow detectives and police officers, cameras and metal detectors, family and friends.

Also, she'd become uncharacteristically more affectionate towards the CME, even when in the company of others, and almost needy when they were alone, unheard of in the past. Jane would rather cut off her own hands than be seen as weak or clingy in any way, putting her own needs and wants always last, but her sudden occasion to be in close proximity to the doctor, for whatever reason, now becoming clear. Her obvious attraction to Maura, sexual as well as emotional, was showing through.

She may have been blind to it in the past, Jane having hidden it so well, and Maura herself not looking for it in the first place, but now, it were as if the detective was almost advertising it, daring the doctor to call her bluff, tonight's spectacle the veritable billboard that it was displayed upon, spotlights pointed directly at it and turned to their brightest setting.

Something had changed in the detective as it concerned she herself and Maura meant to find out exactly what it was before the night was over.

Now was finally the time to see this through.

Maura had no way of knowing that unlike in past nightmares, Hoyt's attention had shifted from Jane herself to her best friend, reflecting in Jane's new subconscious overprotective behavior towards her in the waking world.

"Maura?" Jane asked again. "Are you sure?"

Jane also had a secret that she was hiding now, and not just her attraction to her best friend. The way that Maura had suddenly begun to hold herself, almost as if she were scared of what was about to happen when she opened the drawer convinced her that her first instincts about continuing this were right. Maura wanted this, too.

The doctor nodded.

Jane turned to look at the drawer, moving her hand onto the handle, setting her beer down onto the top of the credenza.

"Wait!" Maura said loudly, holding her hand up, startling Jane.

She jerked her hand away from the drawer, her heart falling, her breath held. She was ready to reveal not only Maura's list but her own secret, as well.

She turned to look at the doctor, eyes wide, hoping that Maura wasn't aborting what might be her only shot at coming clean, not sure if she would ever be able to gather the nerves again to tell her best friend everything that she needed and longed to disclose.

Maura smiled sweetly, pointing to Jane's beer.

"Can you please put that on a coaster?"

R&I R&I R&I

Jane stood next to the table, leaning slightly onto it, her arms crossed over her chest, lips pursed, brow furrowed, her beer indeed now sitting on a coaster.

"Seriously?" She asked, her voice reflecting her agitation. "A _coaster_ , Maura? I'm about to solve the biggest mystery to hit this house in its entire history, and you are worried about a _coaster_?!"

She huffed.

Maura tried to explain, holding her hands open, palms up. "It's an antique, Jane. I just want to protect the varnish. It's only been refinished once and I'd like to keep it that way. It loses something in its character every time it's stripped. Not to mention its value decreases, also. It's over three hundred years old. And honestly, we don't know the history of this house. It's Beacon Hill. All these houses have a history that we aren't…"

Jane jumped away from the desk as if it were electrified, grabbing her beer off of it quickly, startling Maura from her explanation.

" _Jesus_!" She exclaimed, pointing at the desk, her eyes wide with disbelief. "Maura! Are you _shitting_ me?! Three hundred years old?! What are you _crazy_ putting that in here?! My mother has access to it on a daily basis!"

Maura looked confused. Jane quickly explained.

"She has scratched or dinged up _every_ piece of furniture she's ever owned, Maura!"

She animatedly pointed to a small dent on the barstool that Jane had been sitting on earlier, eyes still wide.

"Do you see that?!" She exclaimed. "That was my mother! I know you think I did it, but it was her! She made me promise not to tell you, but _shit_! It was her! She was sitting on it one day and she stood up too quick and knocked it over and…oh, my _God_ …" Jane's free hand went to her forehead, "…it almost fell into this table!"

She looked quickly from Maura to the desk and back to Maura, eyes the size of saucers.

"I was here when it happened! You were napping upstairs because we got called in on a scene at like two in the morning and you were tired. I was there making a sandwich and she was sitting on that barstool and I cut my finger with one of your sharp ass knives and she stood up too quick to help and it fell backwards…"

Jane looked to Maura, beer still in hand, suddenly realizing her betrayal, her shoulders slumping over dramatically. " _Shit_! She made me promise not to tell…and I just told. Don't be mad at her, Maura. I'll replace it. It was my fault that she jumped up so fast in the first place."

She took a quick swig of her beer, swallowing loudly.

Maura closed her eyes and shook her head, dismissing Jane's offer immediately.

' _Quickly_.' Maura thought, automatically correcting her friend in her mind, but saying nothing, enjoying this controlled chaotic side of Jane. ' _Angela stood up too_ _quickly_.'

Maura sat quietly through this heartfelt, if not somewhat random, explanation, eyes soft, a small smile on her face, folding her hands together in her lap, saying nothing, waiting for the hurricane that was Jane to spin itself out.

She decided to let Jane's colorful language go, as well. Sometimes watching her get so worked up over the smallest little things amused the doctor. Unfortunately, right now, it was only adding to her arousal.

"Oh, _shit_!" Jane said, her voice changing in timbre and tone. She walked to the middle drawer, but appeared suddenly scared to pull it open, suddenly scared to touch the credenza altogether.

She pointed to the drawer, eyes finding Maura's, looking for understanding.

"My hair thingys are in there. We can't leave them in there, Maura. It's disrespectful! This desk is older than our _fucking_ country!"

The doctor smiled openly, dimples obvious, tilting her head.

"A drawer is a drawer, Jane." She explained. "When this desk was assembled, the builder didn't think about what might end up in them. He was only concerned that they opened and closed as they were designed. And they do. Your hair ties stay put. I know where they are and more importantly, now _you_ know where they are…and where they belong. In _that_ drawer and _only_ in that drawer."

Jane rolled her eyes, taking the hint.

As Maura spoke, the detective had turned her attention back to the credenza, now admiring it's beauty and intricate details for the first time in the many years that she'd been in Maura's home. She bent over to examine the carvings on its legs and running her finger lightly across the beveled edge of its top, knowing now that human hands smoothed and leveled it's surface, chiseled the notches she gingerly traced with her fingertips, concerned with only its character and precision, and not a giant machine, concerned only with its production time and price.

Maura shifted on her stool, taking a sip of her wine as she watched Jane, her arousal ratcheting up a notch. Maura was realizing that watching the rough around the edges detective appreciate a thing of subtle beauty was quite the turn on.

' _I really should take Jane to the museum more often_.' Maura thought. ' _Watching her look at the artwork might be more rewarding than the actual art itself.'_

"So _that's_ why you keep it in here, huh?" Jane asked, softly, standing up straight and running her hand across the table top above the mysterious and thus far unopened, third drawer, eyes on the surface of the desk, nodding.

"I understand now. It makes sense." She said to herself.

She took a slow sip of her beer, her free hand finding her hip.

Maura waited for Jane to continue, her curiosity piqued, her arousal, peaking.

"Why would it make sense that my list was in that drawer, Jane? It's supposedly just a small piece of paper with a few observations written on it."

"Not your list, Maura…the book that your list is _in_."

She turned and looked at Maura, smiling, her eyes filling with admiration. "It makes _perfect_ sense actually, knowing you like I do. That you'd keep the one book that you consider your bible in such an old beautiful desk seems about right. Keeping it in that new modern desk in your home office doesn't fit."

She moved towards the island, placing her now almost empty beer bottle back onto it, stepping back, gripping the handle to the third drawer, before turning back to look at Maura again, making sure that she was ready and asking silently for permission to continue.

Maura smiled sweetly, her eyes filled with love and expectation. She nodded.

Jane slowly pulled open the drawer, wiping her hands on her slacks twice before she reached carefully inside, using both hands to remove Maura's prized copy of "Gray's Anatomy", it's supple leather bound cover soft under the detective's fingertips, the pages gilded in gold. She knew that Maura had several less expensive copies of this book conveniently located in strategic spots that she consulted on a regular basis, one here in her office, as well as two in the morgue, well used and worn, easily accessible. But this one was special.

She'd almost forgotten about it until she'd been standing in front of the books…all of Maura's _beloved_ books.

Maura did love her books. She respected them and cherished them. She refused to own any device that exclusively delivered their words electronically, choosing instead to hold the words in her hands, tangibly feeling their weight and meaning, turning the page with her fingers instead of swiping a screen. Jane knew this because she'd given her best friend a "Kindle" for her birthday the first year after they'd met and had almost immediately become fast friends.

Maura had thanked her and then politely declined her gift, earnestly trying to explain why. Jane remembered it like it was yesterday.

' _Thank you, Jane. It's such a thoughtful gift.' Maura said, holding the box, turning it over in her hands, trying desperately to figure out how to accept a gift and also reject it tactfully at the same time._

 _Jane sat in front of her new best friend on her sofa, eyes shining, sure that this was the perfect_ gift…the _most perfect gift that she had ever given to anyone in her life. Jane was_ not _a good gift giver._

 _She either overthought them or didn't think enough about them, either way leaving the recipient disappointed._

 _But not this time. This time, she knew she was spot on. Maura loved books and what better a gift for a book lover than a device that could hold countless books, all at her fingertips, accessible at any time or in any place that she chose…and weighing only ounces. It was like holding the biggest and best library that ever existed right in her hands. For Maura, the biggest and best nerd she'd ever known, what could be better than that?_

 _As they sat almost in front of Maura's wall full of books in her home, she'd also rationalized that the space that was filled with them could be put to better use now that almost all of them could be held in her hand by her new device._

 _It would almost open up the entire room for something else, should she choose._

 _'She'll probably just fill it with more of her artsy fartsy stuff anyway.' Jane thought, smiling to herself._

 _Jane had waited for the enthusiastic words of gratitude and maybe even the physical hug, her unconscious mind longing to feel the body of her new best friend pressed against her own, even back then, her budding attraction towards her best friend unknown even to herself._

 _She'd gotten neither, Maura's smile full of appreciation and heartfelt acknowledgement, but her eyes filled with apprehension._

 _'What?' Jane had asked, seeing Maura's hesitation. She reached out gingerly and took the box from her friend, turning it over in her hands, reading the back and pointing out how easy and convenient her gift was designed to be. 'Look! I got you the one that has the most storage and memory and the longest battery life!'_

 _She gestured to Maura's books. 'This can hold almost all of these! Right here! Pretty much in the palm of your hand!'_

 _She turned shy and sheepish. 'I got you a gift card, too…that you can use to download your first few books. I know your real books were expensive, but think just how nice it would be to have them all at your fingertips whenever you wanted them. I know you sometimes have to travel for your conferences and consultations, so you could read any book you wanted while you were away…right here.'_

 _Maura sat silent, working out in her awkward and socially stunted way just how she could make Jane understand._

 _Jane saw this and looked crestfallen. It broke Maura's heart, but it had to be done. Jane needed to understand her deep down and how she viewed the things in her life. Maura couldn't change who she was…she finally didn't want to even try._

 _Jane had given her that confidence. She wanted to be honest with her one and only best friend. She'd already shared her gender preferences with Jane and had surprisingly gotten no push back whatsoever, so now she just wanted to be completely transparent from now on, since lying wasn't really an option anyway._

 _She stood and walked to her bookshelves, turning and gesturing for Jane to join her._

 _'Bring your gift, please?' She asked, smiling softly._

 _Jane nodded and joined her, the glossy slim box held in front of her, intrigued. Maura always intrigued Jane, having a sound reason for everything she said and did. Her unintended and unavoidable honesty was refreshing. Jane dealt with liars all day long at work, it was nice to relax when she was with Maura, knowing that every word that came out of her mouth was the absolute truth._

 _Maura took a deep breath before she spoke, holding Jane's eyes, gesturing to the box in Jane's hands._

 _'I just want you to know that this might be the best gift anyone's ever given me, even if you don't believe it after I explain. Okay?'_

 _Jane nodded, feeling the deep connection with her colleague and friend._

 _'I mean it, Jane. The best.' She reiterated, smiling._

 _Then Maura walked to the middle of the shelves and took out a slim book, holding it in her hands, smiling, looking at Jane, and then moved one step to the left and took out a much larger, heavier book, walking them back to Jane, who stood next to her dining room table, gift still in hand._

 _'Which of these books do you think is more important to me?' Maura asked, placing both of them on the dining room table, side by side._

 _Jane looked confused but after looking at the titles, immediately pointed to the bigger book._

 _'Why did you choose that one?'_

 _Jane snorted. 'Ummm…because it's "It's Gone With The Wind"! One of the greatest movies ever made!'_

 _Maura laughed heartily before agreeing. 'Yes, it is. The book is even better. Margaret Mitchell…she wrote only one, but one was all she needed. It is brilliant.'_

 _She paused, taking another deep breath._

 _'But do you know the other book at all?'_

 _Jane looked at it again, then up at Maura, shaking her head._

 _Maura picked up the slender book, opening it, turning to the correct page immediately, then running her fingers down it before reading a line._

 _"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."_

 _Maura looked up at Jane. 'Anaïs Nin. Another American writer. You've probably never heard of her, have you?'_

 _Jane shook her head._

 _Maura held her hand out and gestured towards the box that Jane still had in her hands, although she'd almost forgotten that she held it, watching Maura read poetry, and the particular line she'd chosen to read, resonating deeply, knowing that Maura had chosen it for just that reason._

 _She handed her gift back to Maura._

 _'Unfortunately, thanks to this…not many readers will anymore. This is about popularity, downloads and hits on the…YouTube. Not about the books themselves.' Maura looked at the box and then back to Jane and then back again._

 _"Thank you so much for seeing me and my love for the written word, Jane. But I prefer to hold an actual book in my hand, feel the texture of the cover and faintly smell the pages as I turn them.'_

 _Maura looked up, preparing for hurt feelings and awkward moments, possibly a lost friendship altogether._

 _Instead, she saw smiling dark eyes and deep dimples._

 _'I can take it back, Maur. I kept the receipt.' Jane said, amused, using Maura's new sobriquet for the first time._

 _This is when Maura began to fall in love with her best friend. This brief moment, when she realized that Jane not only suddenly understood her love of physical books and didn't judge her for that, but also how she'd never before had anyone in her life accept her for who she was so completely and unconditionally and didn't care about anything else but the friendship that they were forging together right now._

R&I R&I R&I

Jane turned and held the prized book near her chest, her grip delicate but firm, finding Maura's eyes again, smiling slightly, asking for her permission still.

Maura closed her eyes and nodded again.

Jane walked to the island, gingerly placing the heavy book down on the granite countertop, stepping back slightly from it.

"It's in there." She said quietly, her previous enthusiasm for her game all but gone.

Maura leaned closer. "Is it?"

Jane moved back to the book, intending to finish it.

"Please, Jane." Maura said, softly but firmly. "Be careful. You'll crack the binding."

Jane smiled up at the doctor, her dark eyes filled with understanding and also a little mischief.

She said softly. "I'm not even going to open the book, Maura. _And_ I'm going to make your list magically appear without even touching the envelope that it's in."

Maura's brow furrowed slightly.

Jane placed her hands on either end of the spine of the book, lifting it up gently, holding it vertically above the island, moving the book back and forth just enough so that the pages barely separated.

Maura watched, rapt, holding her breath as the white envelope fluttered out, gently landing upright on the countertop softly, spinning once, facing Jane perfectly straight on, almost beckoning.

Jane placed the book back down next to the envelope, then stepped back, finding the doctor's twinkling eyes, attempting to judge her mood, deciding how to continue, her heart beating rapidly.

She was sure that her best friend would be angry or, at the very least, embarrassed. She'd not only predicted that she could find the list, but unexpectedly, the reason that it was written in the first place, quite possibly sending both of their lives spinning in different directions, their longtime friendship unsalvageable.

Maura sat silently for a moment, long enough to make Jane regret everything about this entire day.

Then unbelievably, she began to clap enthusiastically, no hint of sarcasm or hard feelings present whatsoever. Just Maura…being Maura.

" _Brava_ , Detective! A finer display of sleuthing prowess I have _never_ witnessed. I suspect that Sherlock Holmes himself would tip his hat to you."

Jane, both shocked and relieved, broke into a toothy grin, recovering quickly, mimicking taking off a top hat and bowing deeply at the waist, replacing the imaginary hat before speaking, her dark hair framing her angular face perfectly.

"Thank you, thank you!" She said in her best English accent, opening her arms wide. "No autographs, please!"

Maura laughed, taking in the spectacle that was a proud Jane, noting how her shirt opened ever so slightly as she opened her arms, revealing more of the white tank underneath, the deep red color of her button down accentuating her olive skin and the shiny black hair that fell around her shoulders, impressed beyond words at how her friend had made such easy work of locating her prized list.

' _She is Sherlock Holmes_.' Maura thought, her laughter carrying throughout the house. ' _A modern day female Sherlock_ _Holmes. Incredible! Someone should write books about her._ '

Jane, once again, was swept up in that sweet laughter, hoping that once she revealed her own secret, she would have the good fortune to hear it over and over again for the rest of her life.

R&I R&I R&I

Jane looked down at the crisp white envelope, contrasting so starkly against the slate gray of the granite countertop, then back up to Maura, lips a thin line, the previous light mood replaced by an almost heavy tension.

"There it is, Jane." Maura said, softly, her heart beginning to beat faster. "The fruits of your labor. The spoils of your victory. You've won. You've found my list, just as you predicted. Go on. Open the envelope and read it. Just be prepared, okay? I know that up to this point, this has been more or less a game for you. But after you read what I've written on that piece of paper, things will change between us. For better or for worse will be your choice."

Jane picked up the envelope and turned it over in her hand, taking a deep breath, but making no move to open it. She looked back up into Maura's expectant eyes.

The detective smiled, picking up the heavy book in her other hand and walking it over to Maura, setting it directly in front of her best friend, placing the envelope on top of its cover.

Maura looked at the objects that Jane had just brought her, her brow furrowing in confusion, then looked back to Jane, finding soft eyes and an understanding smile.

The doctor was quiet, waiting for an explanation.

Jane picked up the envelope and proffered it to Maura, her free hand finding the doctor's shoulder, her thumb caressing it slowly, the fabric making a soft sound as it moved across the alabaster skin underneath. She did her best to avoid looking down at Maura's chest, the top two buttons left open on her dress, her ample cleavage just barely visible, her curiosity about the color of Maura's bra flashing through her mind again for the hundredth time in one day.

Maura gingerly took the envelope, but made no move to open it either.

"I was never going to read this, Maura." Jane said, still smiling.

Maura narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, calling Jane out on her bullshit without saying a word.

Jane laughed and held her hand up, stepping slightly away from the doctor, realizing that Maura knew more about her than almost anyone and always would, her other hand remaining on Maura's shoulder, subconsciously enjoying the warmth of her body under her hand and the tautness of the muscle that her thumb was currently resting on.

She gathered every bit of control she had to keep herself from pushing her thumb deep into it, knowing that Maura loved a good shoulder massage and that she herself loved giving them to her.

"Okay! Okay!" She admitted, laughing sheepishly. "Yes, if I'd found this earlier today in your office or in the morgue, I probably would've!"

Maura nodded, eyes still narrowed. "You _know_ you would've, Jane Rizolli."

Jane nodded, looking down a her feet, then back up into Maura's probing yet mesmerizing eyes.

"Yeah, yeah…you're right, Maur. I would have." She decided that there was no use trying to hide or sugarcoat her bad behavior. Maura had her own way of sleuthing. "I can be an asshole, sometimes. And overzealous…and hard-headed. I know this. Even to the people I love most in the world. Ask my mother. Why she still puts up with me is the _biggest_ unsolved mystery. I don't think even Sherlock Holmes could crack that one."

Maura's eyes softened, a small understanding smile forming.

"It's because she loves you, Jane. Even though, sometimes, you _can_ be insensitive and exasperating."

Jane snorted, moving her hand from Maura's shoulder to her own forehead, pushing her black hair back off of it, tucking it behind her ear, nodding and licking her lips. She looked down at her feet again.

" _Damn_! Everybody's got my number today." She laughed. "Frost, Frankie…you." She looked up at Maura, finding understanding eyes, then quickly back at her feet.

Maura leaned over and almost whispered, wondering where Jane was taking this conversation. "I've always had your number, Jane."

Jane snorted laughed again, nodding, wiping her hand across her nose. "That you have, Doctor." She looked down at the envelope that Maura still held in her hands. "That you have."

The detective pointed to the thus far unopened and unaddressed envelope, not wanting it to suddenly become the white elephant in the room, ready to move on.

She had something of her own to show Maura.

"Please put that back. I'd do it myself, but I don't want to ' _crack_ ' the binding of your beloved book." She said, using the air quotes, rolling her eyes, once again using her sarcasm to try and diffuse an uncomfortable situation.

Instead of laughing, Maura held the envelope out to Jane, saying seriously. "No. I'm going to give you a choice, Jane. You can read this…you did work hard for it, after all...or put it back yourself. I promise, no hard feelings either way."

Jane looked at the envelope, not moving to take it from Maura's hand. Maura moved it closer towards Jane's chest, almost touching it, forcing Jane to reach up for it.

She took it gingerly, breathing one quick breath, turning it over in her hands, the sealed flap facing up. If placed under it, Jane could open it cleanly with one quick swipe of her thumb.

Maura waited, holding her own breath.

Jane turned the envelope back over and reached for the book, picking it up carefully and moving it back directly in front of herself. She looked back to Maura, smiling.

"I know you're giving me permission to read this now, Maur. But if I wasn't so _insensitive_ and _exasperating_ , you wouldn't have ever even had to tell me that it existed in the first place." She moved her finger under the cover of the book, intending to open it. "I'm so sorry to have put you through this. I know that you said that these are your personal and private thoughts and I should've been more of a friend and less of an inconsiderate shithead."

She looked up at Maura, swallowing once, before explaining earnestly.

"Not that it's a justification, but you know me and solving any kind of mystery. Like a dog with a bone, I guess. I've been called much worse. Maybe I'm just frustrated with our lack of progress on the Lattimore case. Maybe this gave me something to occupy my mind. Maybe I just found it intriguing. A side of you I'd never considered. I don't know." She shook her head, looking away from Maura briefly, then returned her gaze, taking another deep breath.

"Whatever, it's still no excuse. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. I'm gonna put this back and if you want to show it to me, then that'll be your choice. I'll never ask or bring it up again. I promise."

Maura's eyes glistened, tears threatening.

Jane smiled, looking down at the book, her nervousness obvious. She was honestly scared she was gong to crack the binding on Maura's book. Before she could open it, Maura spoke.

"Put it on page 710, please. It means something to me."

Jane looked up, eyes questioning. Maura smiled, reaching out and softly placing her hand over Jane's, the one holding the envelope.

"Don't try to figure it out, Jane. Just do it, please."

Jane nodded, carefully opening the book, wincing as she heard the spine crinkle slightly, eyes shooting to Maura.

"It's okay. Go ahead."

Jane nodded and opened the book halfway, placing the envelope on the countertop, wiping her hand again on her slacks, before she thumbed through the pages, searching for the right one, her eyes focused, her face the perfect epitome of concentration. She absentmindedly licked her fingertips, intending to use the moisture to help her separate the pages.

Maura inhaled loudly, but said nothing.

Jane looked up quickly, her fingertips hovering momentarily, seeing Maura's eyes and following their gaze.

"Oh, shit!" She said, quickly wiping her hand on her slacks again, wincing at her near faux pas. "Sorry. I can't _believe_ you're trusting me to do this, Maur."

Maura watched as Jane concentrated, delicately turning pages until she found the right one, picking up the envelope, tucking it securely between them, closing the book softly, smoothing one hand over the cover with decisiveness, gently pressing the book closed.

' _I trust you with everything, Jane…my heart included._ ' Maura thought, watching Jane pick up the book and walk it back to the drawer, open it and place it back inside, softly closing it then running her hand over the surface if the table above the drawer, as if she were wiping clean the whole incident.

She looked back to Maura, smiling.

"Well, I guess that takes care of that, huh?" She asked, her eyes twinkling.

"If you say so." Maura answered, taking the final sip of her wine.

Jane nodded. "I do." She said with finality.

She moved back to Maura and touched her face briefly, before turning back to the front door, walking slowly over to it, stopping halfway, but not turning around, nodding to herself, as if deciding something.

Maura was confused. "Where are you going?"

Jane turned back and looked at her best friend, eyes serious, her decision made, Maura reading it in her face.

"To get my jacket."

R&I R&I R&I

Maura's heart lurched, her mouth drying up. She covered it before a gasp could escape.

Jane was leaving. Her mind screamed, but her body betrayed nothing.

' _Why?! Why is she leaving?! What have I done?! I've misread everything! Jane wasn't ready!_ '

She stood quickly, picking up her wine glass, walking to the sink, her eyes focusing on it, turning on the tap, not looking up…not wanting to see her best friend leave her house…and possibly her life.

"Oh, God." Maura whispered, the water running. She placed the glass down inside the sink, not trusting herself to hold it anymore, her hands beginning to shake. She gripped the edge of the countertop, eyes filling with tears.

Movement caught her eye to her right and she looked up, fully expecting to see her front door closing as Jane left. Instead, she watched as Jane walked back towards her, eyes concerned, something held in her left hand.

"Maura? Are you okay?" Jane asked, making her way quickly to her best friend, setting down the item she was carrying on the countertop, turning off the water.

"Why are you crying?" She leaned down into Maura's face, eyes filled with so much concern and love that it momentarily took Maura's breath away. She couldn't speak.

"Maur? Maura?" Jane asked again, taking the doctor's face in her hands, eyes wide, bending at the knees so she was on her best friend's eye level. "Honey? What happened? Are you okay?"

Jane had never called her best friend this before, but the happenings of the entire day, coupled with the nightmares of the past two months, had been working to break down her walls. It seemed so natural to use this term of endearment. She didn't regret it.

Hearing the term of endearment, Maura smiled, nodding, reaching up and grabbing onto Jane's slender wrists, blinking rapidly. Jane had never called her this before.

"I'm fine." Maura managed, her heart racing, a tear slowly making its way down her cheek. "Really."

Jane wasn't buying it.

"Then why are you crying?" She asked again, using her thumb to wipe it away, smiling softly. "Don't lie. I really don't want to spend the rest of the night enduring that awful Calamine lotion smell."

Maura laughed softly, taking a deep breath, before explaining, feeling somewhat foolish.

"I thought you were leaving."

Jane looked confused. "Why would I leave? I mean, I took off my badge and gun." She kidded. "You know once I do that, you'd have to throw me out to get me to go home, right? Are you throwing me out?"

Maura laughed, shaking her head, releasing Jane's wrists, stepping back and away from her, wiping her face, sniffing softly.

Jane saw the resignation, knowing that Maura didn't want to explain her sudden emotional state…at least, not right now.

Jane decided to let it go, having her own explaining to do. She did however, step forward and reach out, moving Maura's hair away from her face, tucking a stray lock behind her ear, her thumb slowly tracing the doctor's jawline, ending at her chin.

Maura held her breath, watery light green eyes wide, hopeful.

Maura saw her best friend's eyes dilate and then drop quickly to look at her own mouth, Jane licking her own lips, and the subtle hesitation. Jane leaned slowly in briefly and then quickly moved back. She looked back up, quickly dropping her hand from Maura's chin and moved a step backward.

Jane had just come very close to kissing her and they both knew it. Maura's arousal, which had disappeared when she thought Jane was leaving, instantly returned, her already damp panties receiving another small dose of wetness.

Jane took a quiet deep breath, attempting to recover.

"I have something for you." She said, quickly trying to dismiss her near misstep, picking up the item that she'd laid on the countertop, proffering it to Maura, a sheepish smile slowly forming on her face.

Maura looked down at Jane's hand in which she held an envelope, exactly the same as the one the detective had just tucked away in her prized copy of "Gray's Anatomy". She knew this because the entire Boston Police Department used the same office supply service.

"What's this?"

Jane smiled, pushing the envelope towards Maura's hand. "Take it. Please. Before I lose my nerve. I thought about it all day." She laughed. "It took me all day to write it, too. I'm sure its not as pretty as yours is. I mean, my handwriting sucks…but…its honest."

Maura took the envelope, seeing Jane's earnest admission, her eyes still confused.

"What is it, Jane?"

Jane found Maura's eyes, holding them.

"It's my own list." She admitted, taking a deep breath, releasing it slowly, closing her eyes, knowing that now was the time that she'd been preparing for for all these years. "I call it 'The Pros and Cons of Dating Dr. Maura Isles'."

Maura looked at the envelope, eyes wide, heart beginning to hammer in her chest. She swallowed once. She looked back up and found Jane's brown eyes, the pupils so dilated that they were almost completely black.

Jane looked away, smiling. "I mean, I was gonna call it 'The Pros and Cons of Dating Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of the State of Massachusetts'…" She paused, then found Maura's eyes again, her own filled with mirth.

"…but that seemed a little too _wordy_." She smirked, eyebrows raised, recalling Maura's previous description of the book that she had thumbed through earlier. "What do you think?"

Maura laughed, filled with both relief and slight embarrassment, her inadvertent underestimation of Jane's reading experiences called out once again.

She looked down at the envelope, turning it over, seeing that it wasn't sealed, swallowing again, knowing that the only thing that stood between her and Jane's own list was a thin strip of paper.

"Open it, Maura." Jane said softly, moving a step closer to the doctor. "But also know that the same rules apply to my list as they did to yours."

Maura looked up, confused.

Jane smiled, realizing that there was absolutely no turning back now and also realizing that she didn't want to anymore.

She explained.

"You said that once I read _your_ list, things would change between us, for better or for worse. And that it would be my choice as to which way it went." She swallowed, her own heart beginning to beat faster. "Well, now that choice is yours."

Maura nodded, looking down at the envelope again, then back up into Jane's honest eyes.

Taking a deep cleansing breath and turning to face the island, Jane standing to her right, she opened the envelope.

' _Here we go._ ' Jane thought, taking her own deep breath, stepping closer and slightly behind Maura so she could read her own list over Maura's shoulder. ' _Please let me be right. Otherwise, I am so screwed._ '

 **Well, here we go! Sorry to pull the old bait and switch on everyone, but what would one of my stories be if it was predictable? Answer…not one of my stories! Thanks for staying with me! Let me know if you find my Easter Egg! Maura herself even alluded to its significance!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Yes! You all are playing along with me! I love it! My Easter egg was kinda tricky…only because the question had two possible answers! Most got one or the other. Only one got both! Congratulations, WCDuran! The number 710 that Maura referred to reflected both the premier date of our beloved TV series-July, 2010…and the episode that Sasha herself directed-Season 7: Episode 10.**

The List

Chapter 7

Maura opened the white business envelope and nervously slid the single lined yellow sheet of paper out of it, slowly smiling, recognizing it immediately as a piece of paper torn from the legal pad the Jane kept in the side top drawer of her desk. It was folded into three sections, not as neatly and symmetrically as Maura would've liked, but since it was Jane who had done the folding, it was completely understandable.

Neatness and symmetry weren't high on the detective's list of priorities, either at work or at home.

Maura also noticed even before she unfolded it that it was written on both sides, front and back, in Jane's right slanting left-handed uneven cursive. Her penmanship also not a top priority.

"I already told you that it wasn't as neat as yours." Jane, who was standing slightly behind her, leaned forward and said into Maura's ear, unconsciously smelling her hair, smiling, seemingly reading the doctor's mind.

"Get past it." She joked.

Maura laughed, leaning away from Jane so that she could look up into her face over her shoulder, her eyes narrowing.

"Oh, don't tell me your mind didn't go _straight_ there, Dr. Isles!" Jane said slyly. "You may have my number, but I have yours, too, ya know? Don't even _try_ to deny it."

Maura laughed again, a slow blush making its way up her chest.

Jane saw it, dropping her eyes to watch it climb up her neck and settle on her cheeks, turning them a most enticing shade of pink, her eyes returning to and then lingering on her chest and the barely visible cleavage, her eyes dilating again for the thousandth time this day.

Jane quickly looked back up and found Maura's twinkling eyes again, realizing that she was not being as discreet as she thought, her observations not going unnoticed. She cleared her throat, swallowing once, her own blush beginning, stepping backwards slightly so she would no longer be tempted to look down again.

Maura smiled, allowing Jane's obvious embarrassing indiscretion, since it was she herself who had purposefully undone the button on her dress that was getting Jane into so much trouble tonight in the first place. She had opened it after she'd placed the casserole into the oven, knowing that Jane was on her way over, hoping to get just this reaction.

She'd also opened it as a test to see if Jane would be able to ignore her breasts now, knowing that tonight's dinner was going to be like none that they'd shared in the past.

The CME had justified her behavior by thinking of it as an experiment and not as a manipulation. She'd noticed that the detective had begun avoiding looking anywhere near her breasts when in the company of others, something that Jane had been unconsciously doing for years, but suddenly had made a concerted effort to avoid altogether now. Maura had surmised from the information and data she'd observed that Jane was now avoiding looking in her general chest area while in the company of others because she knew that now the others would see her attractions written all over her face…Maura especially.

However, Jane was failing the test miserably when they were alone, her wandering eyes settling on the doctor's chest multiple times at any given opportunity…her legs and eyes running a close second and third. She was not quite staring, but also not merely glancing either.

Maura had no idea if Jane was checking out her gluteus maximus at all, since her back would've always been turned when Jane would've been indulging, but her observations of the detective's prior lapses when addressing the aforementioned mentioned body parts told her that she had been.

"Just read the list, Maura." Jane deadpanned, nudging her shoulder forward with her fingertip, a "Maura" punch. "Don't judge it."

Maura giggled, allowing Jane her fun and enjoying her touch, even if it was only in jest, turning her attention back to the folded sheet of paper she now held in her hand, moving the envelope off to the side and out of the way.

She took a deep breath and felt Jane do the same as she moved closer once again so she could read the list over Maura's shoulder.

"Are you sure, Jane?" Maura asked, her eyes never leaving the yellow paper, still folded.

Jane reached up and slid her hands under Maura's gossamer hair and onto her shoulders, squeezing them once reassuringly.

"I'm absolutely sure, Maura." She whispered, kissing the back of her head, her lips lingering on the soft, clean smelling silk, pulling back, then slowly moving her hands down her upper arms, letting them fall as they met the doctor's bent elbows.

' _I've never been more sure of anything in my life._ ' Jane thought.

Maura smiled at the tender gesture, closing her eyes as Jane's kissed her head, tilting her head to the side and slightly back into Jane's lips. With eyes still closed, she unfolded the note, then opened them, focusing on the words written on it.

"Read it out loud." Jane whispered, leaning in and speaking into Maura's ear again. "Please? I want to hear my words in your voice." She paused before adding. "That's how I heard it in my head when I wrote it…your voice…reading it. Please?"

Jane moved away from Maura so that she didn't feel pressured.

Maura nodded again, still looking down at the paper in front of her, Jane's breath tickling the shell of her ear. Goosebumps popped up over entire right side, her nipples becoming erect immediately.

She opened up the paper and spread it out onto the countertop, smoothing out the creases, doing her best to flatten it out completely.

Her heart was pounding in her ears, feeling Jane's presence so close behind her. She took one more deep breath.

She read the first words written on the yellow page, again knowing that it was a page jaggedly torn from the legal pad that Jane kept in her top right hand drawer, normally reserved for observations and notes about open cases that she was currently working on.

The irony was not lost on Maura, suddenly realizing that this new relationship was _also_ a case that Jane was now currently working on...and working on with focus and vigor.

R&I R&I R&I

" _Pros_." Maura said, noncommittally.

Maura looked up and behind herself, trying to find Jane's eyes, smiling.

"I thought you said you titled it ' _The Pros and Cons of Dating Dr. Maura Isles'_?" Maura asked, laughing, pushing her body back into Jane's. "I _want_ my title. Are you going to write it on here or am I?"

"Shut up!" Jane pushed her shoulder again. "Just read it already, Maura!"

Maura laughed, returning her focus back to the paper in front of her, enjoying their light banter.

Both knew that they were putting off their future together, neither knowing if the other was ready, hence the dilly dallying and almost punch drunk nervousness.

" _Number one_." Maura read out loud. " _She's very smart._ "

Maura laughed, turning to find Jane again, saying with no malice. "I thought for sure that that would be a 'con', since you are constantly belittling my intelligence, Jane."

Jane leaned in and gently took the list from Maura's hands, turning the paper over and pointing, not saying a word, her own sly smile growing.

"Aaaah…I see the 'cons' are on the other side." Maura said, reading the first entry to herself before reading it out loud, snorting laughter, clearing her throat. " _Number one_ … _she's_ too _smart_."

Jane's smile grew but she didn't laugh, enjoying Maura's high mood. She reached out and turned the list back over so Maura couldn't read the next item on her "con" side, hoping that the last item on the entire list would help Maura understand everything. She moved slightly back behind Maura again.

"Well, I guess those two cancel each other out, don't they?" Maura laughed, turning once again to try and find Jane's eyes.

Jane laughed with her, her hand finding the small of Maura's back, resting there lightly, her thumb gently gliding back and forth, absentmindedly. "You're smart, _okay_?! Sometimes, it's irritating, that's all!"

"Is it, Jane?!" She asked, her laughter hearty. "Why is it only irritating when you have no need for it!?"

Jane shrugged, her thumb still rubbing Maura's lower back.

"Can you please stand over there?" Maura asked through her laughter, reaching around, taking Jane's hand from her back and leading her to the end of the countertop, not because she didn't want Jane to touch her, she desperately did, but so that they could face one another, her inability to concentrate attributed to Jane's warm hand and that soothing wandering digit.

"I want to see you when I read this list. It looks like it's going to be very interesting and I'd like to be able to look at you. If you want me to read your words, I think it's only fair that I get to see your reactions to them." She said, the laughter slowly ebbing, Maura wiping her tearing eyes.

She then walked back to her place in front of the list, clearing her throat, taking a deep breath and looking back up into Jane's eyes briefly, before returning her gaze back to the yellow paper directly in front of her, tucking her hair behind her both of her ears simultaneously before speaking again, her tone somewhat serious.

"And you are distracting me." She said quietly, looking up quickly again then back to the list. "When you touch me…you distract me."

Jane replied softly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to."

Maura looked up briefly, holding Jane's eyes, her own dilated fully. "Don't be sorry, Jane. It's not your fault. You can't help it." She looked down at the yellow paper again, swallowing once. "And I like it."

She quickly began reading again before Jane could respond, her admission raising her own heart rate considerably.

" _Number two_." She said. " _She's awkwardly funny even though she doesn't know it. Which makes it more funny_."

Maura smiled again, still trying to recover somewhat from her honest admission. "I'm glad I amuse you, Detective."

She looked up finding Jane's eyes filled with mischief, her best friend leaning into her palms which were now grasping the edge of the granite countertop, her shoulder favoring her left hand.

"Apparently, just as I amuse you, Doctor." She said, batting her eyelids.

Maura nodded, still smiling, taking a deep breath, understanding that Jane meant no harm. "Fair enough."

They were flirting again and Maura was enjoying it immensely.

She looked back down at the list, her fingers sliding underneath it's edges, tilting the top half up towards herself, but leaving the bottom half still resting on the island. Her hands were shaking almost imperceptibly.

" _Number three…she laughs at my jokes, even the ones that she clearly doesn't get_."

Maura looked up, a bit of irritation flitting across her face, knowing that Jane's sarcastic nature was sure to find its way into this list, but she was surprised that it was dominating it, especially after all they'd both talked about earlier in the morgue and how hard it was for both of them to get to this point with one another.

"Really, Jane?" Maura asked, looking up, her brows furrowed, her voice dipping slightly into anger and hurt. "Is this going to be a list of my 'pros' or just another list of my shortcomings?"

She paused, her throat closing a bit, a lump forming there, surprised at how quickly her feelings had been hurt. Unintentionally, but hurt nonetheless.

"Because I've had an entire life of living _that_ list written metaphorically by my acquaintances. I don't need to see another one _physically_ written by my best friend and then having to read it out loud on top of it all."

She finished speaking, taking a hitched quiet breath, tears glistening, but not falling.

The mood in the room had suddenly turned.

Jane listened to Maura speaking and saw her anger growing and then the tears forming, suddenly seeing Maura's point of view and how easily everything could be misconstrued, her own devastation setting in, her heart dropping, her own tears forming.

She shook her head, eyes wide.

"Oh, God! No, Maura! I promise it's not like that! I swear I didn't mean anything by it! By _any_ of it that you've read so far!" She declared, opening her hands, resting them on top of the island, palms up, reaching towards her best friend. "I was nervous…writing it, I mean. You know me and putting my feelings into words and you know how I am when I get nervous. Sarcastic and defensive. I swear I didn't mean to upset you. Please keep reading."

Her wide teary dark eyes found Maura's hazel ones. "Please? I promise it gets better."

She reached out, her hand closing over Maura's forearm.

"Please?" She asked again.

Maura swallowed and looked down at Jane's hand holding her forearm firmly. She nodded, blinking away the tears that never fell, returning her eyes back to the list. Jane moved her hand back in front of herself, once again, not wanting to pressure Maura.

" _Number four. She knows more about me than anyone else in my life and I trust her with everything that I am_." Maura continued, looking immediately up and into Jane's eyes.

Jane intertwined her own fingers, smiling slightly, testing the waters, hoping that Maura wasn't still upset with her.

She _was_ still upset and she expressed it immediately, Maura never one to beat around any bush.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I do know more about you, Jane. I honestly don't think anyone does. You are very complicated…and very guarded. You only allow people to see what you want them to see, myself included. I respect that about you. And I understand it. It's a coping mechanism. Most people in law enforcement utilize it. I've always hoped that one day you'd let me in, but I've stopped trying to predict when that might happen, even after all that we've been through together." Maura said, referring to the many life threatening predicaments they'd weathered over the years.

She looked away, breathing several breaths. She looked back at Jane, her own eyes softening, realizing that she was being too harsh on the brunette.

"But, thank you for trusting me…with the things that you have. I do feel privileged that you've let me get this close to you."

Jane studied her hands, realizing that maybe this list wasn't the best way to convey her feelings for Maura. She'd forgotten that Maura wasn't going to be influenced by mere words written on a blank page unless they were true... _completely_ and _utterly_ true, no wiggle room for fakery or pretense allowed, no matter how well intentioned. She wasn't one to romanticize or extrapolate.

It was what it was with Maura. Do or do not…there was no try.

Maura's heart was still beating rapidly, but not for the reasons that she would have predicted when she first started reading Jane's list. She was beginning to feel relief that Jane hadn't read her's first. Her list was quick, heartfelt and to the point, seemingly just as long, but without any sarcastic distraction.

Maura was not as well versed in sarcasm as Jane, either in using it or interpreting it, her best friend the only constant in her life that wielded it on a daily basis. It was an integral part of Jane's personality, after all, and Maura wouldn't have it any other way. She loved Jane just as she was and would never dream of trying to change her core nature, but Maura herself didn't understand the subtleties of vitriolicism, maybe taking it a bit too personally when she felt it was being pointed towards she herself directly…now included.

Jane impulsively reached for the list, meaning to take it from Maura, wadding it up between her fists and tossing it in with the recycling. As honest as she'd tried to be putting her thoughts to paper, she now regretted the entire thing, knowing that expressing herself, either in writing or through spoken words, wasn't her strong suit.

Maura saw Jane's intentions on her face a millisecond before she grabbed the paper from her hands and she quickly moved it out of Jane's reach, pushing her friend's hands away, holding the list up and away from the detective.

"No!" Maura exclaimed loudly, turning her body away from Jane, the paper still held out of her reach, the island itself half a barrier between them both. She knew that if Jane truly wanted to take the paper from her hand, all she'd have to do is step around the end of it and grab her wrist, pulling it out of her grasp. She was taller, stronger and trained in close quarter physical confrontations.

Maura also knew that Jane wouldn't even try, aware that it wasn't a fair matching. Jane using her advantages doing her job was a given, but using them against her best friend over a piece of paper, impossible.

She also knew that Jane really wanted her to read what was written on this piece of paper, her actions merely a posture. The detective was trying to save face for a poorly worded explanation of her true desire for the doctor herself, her own frustration at her inability to express that desire adequately causing the detective to lash out, also knowing that Jane would regret this and apologize for it later.

Maura refused to hold any of it against her, knowing that Jane was putting herself out there by merely writing her own list in the first place. She certainly wasn't going to punish her bravery, but she needed to take command of the situation before it could quickly spin out of control if not handled correctly.

Jane was not only stubborn, she was hot-headed, her Italian blood sometimes dictating her temper. And they were both deeply invested in this night's outcome.

"Stop it, Jane!" Maura shouted, looking at the brunette, locking eyes. "You wrote this and you know you want me to read it! You _literally_ put it into my hands, remember?! So just stop!"

Jane stepped away from the island, lacing her fingers behind her head, taking a loud deep breath through her nose, closing her eyes, squeezing them tightly shut, grimacing. She began a tight pacing pattern, only walking three short steps before turning and changing directions, her hands still on the back of her head.

Maura was just relieved that Jane hadn't bolted for the door. The detective's first course of action to avoid an uncomfortable situation was sarcasm, her second, retreat.

She watched her friend struggle to control her temper, knowing that her anger was not directed towards she herself, but inward, Jane unused to being pushed into a corner by her own actions.

Maura waited until she knew that Jane was lucid enough to hear her before she spoke, the barometer of the storm within playing out on the brunette's own face.

"Jane." Maura said quietly when she was sure that the detective was calm enough to listen to her sincere explanation. "I'm sorry. I know these are your words and I'm taking them too literally…and also too personally. Putting feelings and emotions into words is extremely difficult. Even for the greatest writers and poets that ever lived. I am honored that you had the courage to write yours down. And even more honored that you are showing them to me. May I continue? Please?"

She asked for Jane's permission, respecting whatever answer she gave.

Jane continued to pace, albeit slower now, her fingers still laced behind her head, eyes open and purposely avoiding Maura, her breathing almost normal.

"Jane?" She repeated, refolding the piece of paper along the lines that Jane had made only hours before, hoping to diffuse any situation before it began, feeling that the list was contributing to it, hoping to calm Jane by showing her that this could be over whenever the detective wanted, the list unimportant to her. "What's going on? Why are you this upset?"

"No!" Jane almost shouted, pointing to the piece of paper that Maura held between her hands. "Open that back up! I took me all afternoon to write it and _dammit_ , if you aren't going to give it back to me, then you are going to read it!"

Maura jumped, startled by Jane's vehemence and volume. She unfolded the paper slowly, eyes on Jane, realizing that something serious was about to happen, her own heart sledgehammering in her chest, her own breathing quickening.

She knew she was in no physical danger. Jane would _never_ hurt her. But, Jane herself was on the brink of something…exactly what, Maura was unsure.

Jane took a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that." Jane said, holding her hand up, taking a deep breath, the other hand pushing her hair away from her forehead. She'd stopped pacing and faced Maura across the island, lowering her voice. "I'm sorry."

Maura smiled sympathetically, her eyes softening, finding Jane's, her heart full of concern for her friend. "Jane? What's happening? Are you okay? We don't have to do this, you know. If you're not ready, then we don't have to do any of it. We can just go to bed, and tomorrow it will be as if none of this entire night had ever happened. We're both off. We can sleep in."

Maura realized that she was assuming that they were once again sleeping in the same bed. She quickly backpedaled.

"I mean, you can sleep in, _wherever_ you sleep. I'll make breakfast. I was planning on blintzes…your choice of fruit topping, but I know how much you love cherries. I bought some earlier today while at the market. I found some lovely Morellos that I was going to make into a compote. I was going to surprise you tomorrow and bring them to you in bed."

She realized she was babbling and quickly stopped.

' _You also thought that you'd be waking up in each other's arms, finally able to show Jane just how much you loved her.'_ She quickly thought to herself.

As much as Maura hated admitting this to herself, knowing that not confronting the demons that were tormenting them both soon would lead to possible disaster, she was resigned.

Jane just wasn't ready…or so she thought.

Jane understood what Maura was trying to do and she fell more in love, but now was not the time to get maudlin. She'd screwed her resolve up tight and she wasn't going to be satisfied with this night until she'd finally purged herself of all of the hidden secrets and feelings that she'd been burying for so long.

The secret that had been affecting her most recently, and Maura most directly, up first.

Jane smiled and shook her head, moving both of her hands onto the cold polished granite countertop, palms down and fingers spread.

"We aren't going back after tonight, Maura. You and I both know it. We can't unring this bell. But I do need to tell you something." She looked up and found Maura's concerned hazel-green eyes. "Can you reread number four on my list again? Please?"

Maura had almost forgotten that she still had the piece of paper in her hands. She looked down and found the number easily, nodding.

" _She knows more about me than anyone else in my life and I trust her with everything that I am."_

Jane took a deep breath and rubbed her mouth briefly before speaking.

"About that. You were right before. I am guarded. And I am complicated. I don't mean to be, but I am. I don't know why. I always have been and you aren't the first person to get frustrated with it. My own mother tops that list. But when I'm with you, Maura, I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe I'm not showing you as much as I think I am, but, believe me, because of you…I'm a lot... _less_ complicated. And a hell of a lot less guarded." She smiled, hoping to break the tension, knowing that her next words were her true admission.

Maura smiled moving towards Jane, meaning to pull her into a hug.

Jane stiffened, moving a step away from her best friend, holding her hands up slightly in front of her.

Maura froze, respecting her space.

"Wait, please? I have to tell you something." She admitted, not ready to open up to Maura about this just yet, but realizing that she had inadvertently forced her own hand. "Something I've been hiding."

Maura's eyebrows shot up, eyes wide and hopeful, unbelieving that it was going to happen this easily.

Jane snorted, realizing the context, shaking her head, holding her finger up. "And no, it's not what you think. Although, I'm sure we'll get to that soon enough." She said, referring to her own homosexuality and also to her ongoing attraction to her best friend.

She wanted to prove to Maura that she trusted her completely and also needing her to know why she kept creeping into her home two to three nights a week and then ultimately into her bed for the past two months or so.

Maura stayed silent but moved a step closer to Jane. The detective saw it and resisted stepping away from her best friend's comfort, her dark eyes finding lighter ones filled with love and concern.

"Jay?" Maura asked sincerely, reaching out across the island, but not up towards Jane herself. "What is going on? You're scaring me. Are you okay? Is something wrong? Please tell me."

Jane took one more deep cleansing breath before she spoke, crossing her arms over her chest, hugging herself, her voice cracking as she explained, the visuals that she'd been seeing in her sleep suddenly crashing in.

"Hoyt's back. But he's different."

Maura leaned in, stepping closer to Jane. "I know he's back, Jane. I've known for a while now. But how is he different?"

Jane hugged herself tighter, swallowing, her eyes suddenly filling with tears, the weight of secrecy and truth clashing. She needed to confide in someone about her nightmares, her avoidance and denial of their effect on her life clear. She thought that because she'd told Frost earlier in the day that this wouldn't still be hitting her this hard. She didn't expect to unburden herself to the woman that the nightmares were about so soon.

She'd been avoiding this very scenario for over two months. It was too ironic, and quite frankly, too much for Jane to process, her hidden attraction _to_ and her hidden nightmares _about_ Maura creating the perfect storm of admission.

Her chin began to quiver and then she started to cry.

Maura moved to her immediately, Jane's previous rebuke forgotten.

"Jane?" Maura said, pulling her into a one-sided hug, Jane's own arms still wrapped around herself. "What is he doing to you in your dreams?!"

Jane leaned her head over onto Maura's shoulder and closed her streaming eyes, burying her face into the doctor's neck, her arms slowly unfolding from her own body and wrapping around Maura's, accepting her comfort finally, clinging to her warmth and strength.

"He's not doing anything to me, Maura." She said softly between sobs. "He's torturing _you_ and he's doing it right in front of me. And I can't do anything to stop him."

R&I R&I R&I

Jane stood at the island, wiping her nose on the tissues that Maura had handed her, the doctor herself standing beside Jane, rubbing her back softly, waiting for her to fully recover from her catharsis.

She wanted to console her more, but knowing Jane's predisposition of avoiding physical contact when she was in mental distress, she settled for what Jane would allow.

She did, however, gently chastise her best friend for being so secretive about the content of the nightmares.

"I can't believe you've been dealing with this by yourself for over two months, Jane." She said softly but firmly, taking the used tissues from her friend and handing her several more fresh ones, leaving Jane's side only long enough to toss them into the trash. "No wonder you haven't been sleeping."

Jane stood silent, nodding, blowing her nose, accepting Maura's admonishments as well as her tissues, feeling lighter than she had in a very long time.

"I know, Maur." She said, her raspy voice reflecting her plugged sinuses. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I didn't want to worry you." She blew her nose again.

Maura waited until Jane was done with the tissues before she gently took them from her hands and then walked to the trash can, stepping hard onto the pedal that opened the lid, flipping it up forcefully and almost throwing the used tissues into it, her lips a thin line.

Jane saw the change in Maura's carriage and attitude immediately.

"I'm so grateful that you've been shielding me from your distress." The doctor said, taking a deep breath, moving back to her previous spot in front of the yellow piece of paper that had been forgotten suddenly and also moving purposefully away from Jane.

It still lay open, waiting to be read.

"I'm such a delicate little flower. And because telling me, your best friend, that you've been essentially struggling with the worst demon you've ever faced in your life for over two months would've been _entirely_ too difficult for me to handle. So thank you for that, too." Maura said, intertwining her fingers together in front of her, her eyes searching or Jane's.

"Not to mention that you've been lying to me about it, as well."

Jane knew she was being called out and she tried to diffuse the situation, smiling slightly, pointing towards Maura.

"See Maura!" She said, happily. "Sarcasm! You _can_ use it!"

Maura didn't share Jane's enthusiasm.

"It comes and goes." Maura said with no amusement.

Jane saw Maura's underlying anger and tried to explain.

"I'm sorry, Maur." She said, sniffing loudly, her nose still running slightly. "I really am. And _technically_ , I didn't lie to you since I didn't even tell you about it in the first place."

Maura reached for the tissues and set the entire box in front of Jane, waiting for the explanation that she knew Jane was about to give. She didn't, however, move any closer to the detective, still peeved.

" _Omitting_ the truth is the same as lying, Jane."

Jane took a deep breath, pulling several tissues out of the box quickly, wiping them across her nose. She was resisting the urge to pace again, wanting desperately to explain, but knowing that putting her emotions into words that would make Maura understand was going to be difficult. She was stalling.

"Just say it, Jane." Maura said in a monotone. "Make me understand why you've been keeping this from me. I've already told you tonight that I found you to be guarded and, in less than ten minutes, you have proven my point. So just say it. Tell me why."

Jane looked up and licked her dry lips, swallowing once.

"I thought I was protecting you." She said, looking down and then slowly back up, gauging Maura's reaction.

Maura looked confused.

"Protecting me _how_?"

"From him. From knowing that he was now hurting you in my nightmares the way that he used to hurt me." She said softly.

Maura still looked confused.

"How is that protecting _me_? He's dead, Jane. I saw you kill him with my own eyes, remember?" She asked, slowly realizing what was really happening inside Jane's mind, immediately calling out the detective.

"You aren't protecting me at all, are you? Do you see what you are doing?" She asked, confusion growing on Jane's face.

"You're doing what you always do. You aren't telling me something because you know that I will want to comfort you…and help you. Maybe even give you some advice."

Maura leaned in slightly.

"And you don't want that, do you, Jane? Because you think that makes you weak. And for big, bad Detective Jane Rizzoli that just wouldn't do, would it?"

Jane looked down at her hands, one still filled with tissues, knowing that Maura was right.

"In other words, Jane, you are pushing me away. Keeping me at arm's length. Just as you do with everyone in your life that loves you and gets a _little_ too close." Maura continued. "Your family, your friends, your colleagues…your past lovers."

Jane looked up quickly at Maura's last words, finding the doctor's eyes, seeing where her friend was heading with her conversation.

"Why do you think it never worked out with any of them?" Maura asked rhetorically, gently pushing Jane from her comfort zone, hoping to get her to understand something about Maura herself and understand it from the very beginning of whatever was about to happen between them.

"And it's _not_ for the thus far unspoken reason that you are thinking about right now. So don't go there, please." Maura said, referring to Jane's lifelong closeted attraction to women and her past relationships having only been with men. They both understood that her relationships wouldn't have worked out even if they _had_ been with women and why.

"You know the real reason, don't you." She stated. "Because you push them away or lock them out when you feel they are getting too close to knowing who you really are deep down. You justify it by telling yourself that you are protecting _them_ , shielding _them_ from all of your own self-perceived flaws and insecurities. But you are really only protecting yourself. You're scared that if you let someone in, _completely_ in, you will be vulnerable. And you hate feeling vulnerable. It's your Achilles heel. And understandably, you don't want to get hurt, either, if it doesn't work out. But you are setting yourself and the relationship up for failure from the very beginning."

She leaned over towards Jane and spoke truthfully.

"Everyone feels that way, Jane. It's built into our DNA to protect ourselves. All animals have that inbred need for self preservation. What makes us human is that we are willing to overlook that need and risk everything, so that we might find love and companionship, even though we know that we could possibly lose it all."

"But for whatever reason, you won't let yourself get that far. At the slightest hint of possible exposure, you shut down before it can happen. And you do it to all of us. I don't want to be one of those people, Jane. And I won't be. Not anymore. I'm your best friend and you said earlier that you trust me with everything that you are. So do that, Jane. _Trust_ me." She said softly, leaning closer to the detective.

"I don't know what we are doing right now or where this is going to end up, but I'm telling you, that wherever that place is, I can't allow you to continue doing this any longer. Not with me. You can do it with everyone else in your life, but not with me. And I don't expect you to modify this behavior right away because change takes time, and I'm sure I'll get more push back than either of us needs or wants, but it has to happen."

She paused, gathering her thoughts, willing to admit her own past bad behavior, if it meant getting Jane to the place of acceptance.

"I know you are stubborn and proud and you don't like what I'm saying to you right now, but I have to say it, Jane. Call it my own need for self preservation. Because, as you know, none of my own past relationships have worked out too well either. I decided after Jack that I would no longer settle. So in my next relationship, _whenever_ that may be, I'm going to be honest from the very start to whomever it may be _with_."

Maura finished, and in a roundabout way, softening the blow of her words, telling Jane in a not so veiled way, what was expected of the detective if they were going to embark on this new coupling together.

Maura saw Jane's demeanor and tried to sum up her feelings succinctly.

"All I'm asking is that you trust me, Jane. When you are suffering, hurt or scared, I don't want you to have to deal with it alone. Trust me enough to to open up with me and let me help you. I promise, it doesn't make you any less of a… _badass_ …if you occasionally need support or comfort." She paused, before adding.

"It's what…" She wanted to say the word "couples", but at the last second, changed her mind, fearing that Jane already had enough to think about. "…best friends do for one another."

Jane stood stiff, her jaw beginning to clinch, her eyes looking at her hands, periodically glancing towards the front door. As much as she hated to hear Maura's words, she knew that her best friend was absolutely correct. She also knew that Maura meant everything that she'd just said, her inability to lie sometimes more than just humorous. Sometimes, it was just downright brutal. She waited, resisting the strong urge to walk away from the island, grab her things and leave Maura's house altogether.

She knew that if she did that, she would also most likely be walking out of Maura's life as well, possibly forever. So instead, she stood quietly, her heart racing, listening to her best friend closely.

"So do you understand what I'm telling you, Jane? And why?" Maura continued, watching Jane struggle and hating herself for having put her through it, but knowing that soon it would be over, one way or another.

Jane looked up briefly, swallowed dryly, and then back down at her hands, her jaw still clinching.

She nodded, closing her eyes and taking a deep resigned breath.

Maura smiled, pleased with the growth that Jane had already made in only a few minutes. Her willingness to even try was a good sign. But Maura had to make sure.

"I also see that you keep looking at the front door. Are you going to leave or am I going to continue reading your list? I wish that you would stay. It's taken us a very long time to get here. And I'm very curious as to what you perceive the 'pros' and 'cons' of dating me are."

She smiled at the tall brunette, waiting to see if her attempt at levity would garner the results that she wanted, desperately hoping that Jane would at least attempt to give her maximum effort to make this work and not end it before it even got started. Because if she left, Maura would consider the matter closed forever. She'd been waiting for Jane to get to this very place for so long, but if she walked away now, so would Maura. She would have to move on from Jane, knowing that she'd done her very best.

She would no longer wait for Jane to finally decide to tell her that she loved her. Six and a half years was long enough.

After what seemed to Maura like an eternity, but in reality, was only a few minutes, Jane spoke, turning her chocolate eyes to find and hold hazel green, a small smile slowly growing.

"Please continue."

Maura nodded, tears welling, turning her attention back to the list, picking it up. Before she read the next entry, she reached toward Jane and held her hand out, never looking up, stepping out on the ledge, hoping that Jane wouldn't make her jump alone.

Jane slid her hand into Maura's easily, stepping quickly close enough to pull it to her lips, kissing the back of it softly twice, her lips lingering on her warm skin on the second kiss, smelling Maura's hand soap mixed with her own unique scent.

They jumped together…finally.

R&I R&I R&I

" _Number five._ " Maura continued, Jane having moved to stand beside the honey blonde, gently dropping the doctor's hand, but encircling her waist with her own instead. " _She calms me without having to say a word_."

Maura smiled, leaning her head over into Jane's shoulder, her heart filled with the love that was Jane Rizzoli, her nose filled with her scent, a mix of sandalwood and Maura's own body wash.

Every synapse fired and every nerve tingled where they touched.

"Really, Jane?" She asked, reveling in this newfound closeness, Jane having never been so affectionate towards her before. They had shared many friendly "touches" in the past, most recently because of the nightmares, Jane actually holding her while they slept, but never something as openly loving before.

"I calm you?"

Jane smiled into Maura's ear. "Most of the time, yes. Sometimes, no. Sometimes, you make me absolutely crazy. But mostly…you do."

Maura laughed, Jane once again loving the sound of it, realizing that if she played her cards right, she just might be hearing it over and over again for the rest of her life.

"Read on, Dr. Isles."

" _Number six. She's already my best friend_."

Maura turned and looked up at Jane, her eyes smiling. "And you're mine. My one and only best friend."

Jane smiled with her. "Well, you usually do everything right the first time, so why would this be any different?"

Maura nodded, looking down at Jane's lips, her eyes focusing on them briefly, before turning back around, finding the list again. She took a deep breath, unsure if Jane was ready to move into anything physical just yet and not wanting to push. It had taken over six years to get this close, she wasn't going to press her luck.

"Last one. ' _Number seven_ '." Maura read, clearing her throat, before continuing. " _She's beautiful, both inside and out_."

"Thank you, Jane. That is very sweet." Maura said, pushing her shoulder into Jane, taking the compliment to heart, loving the way that Jane viewed her, both physically and cerebrally.

"You're welcome." Jane replied, squeezing Maura's waist, pulling her a little bit closer, the small ember of arousal slowly beginning to grow. "It's true. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

She kissed the top of the doctor's head again, finally letting go and just allowing herself to be with Maura, dropping her guard completely for the first time in her life. She felt liberated.

Maura felt the need to disagree, knowing full well that surely she'd met many more women prettier than she herself, the probability of being the most beautiful very low.

"I highly doubt that." She began, earnestly. "Do you know how many women you've met in your lifetime? How could you definitively say that I was the most…"

"Maura! Stop!" Jane interjected, turning the doctor to face her, holding her by the shoulders, looking directly into her eyes. "Just take my word for it, okay?! _Jeez_! Just so you know, that is one of your 'cons'! That right there! What you just did!"

Turning Maura to face it again, she flipped the paper over and pointed to number two.

Maura read it aloud.

" _She's constantly correcting me."_

Jane then turned the doctor back to face her again, eyes narrowed, her face the epitome of seriousness, almost daring Maura to disagree.

Maura, seeing Jane's frustration and her own eyes wide and innocent, deadpanned.

"So does that mean we are reading my 'cons' now?"

Jane tried to resist, looking down into those beautiful hazel green eyes, the eyes of her one and only true love, but she knew it was hopeless. She finally succumbed to the inevitable. She leaned down and kissed Maura.

 **Next up…the kiss! I'm trying to get it just right, so have patience! Thanks again for the lovely reviews! They make my day! Tell how I'm doing!**


	8. Chapter 8

**One step forward and ten steps back…I thought I would explore that a bit. A prompt from a "guest" reviewer. Am I the only one who likes a little background in a story?! If I wanted the writer to just get to it, I'd read a "one shot". Oh, by the way, I threw in a shout out to one of my own stories. I swear it fit. I would never force anything. Find it and let me know. It's pretty obvious. Bonus points if you can name the movie that Jane and Maura are watching** ** _while_** **I reference my story.**

The List

Chapter 8

Lips met lips and sparks flew behind Jane's closed eyes.

She didn't dare move, her hands still on Maura's shoulders, shocked at her own impulsiveness. With this newfound feeling of freedom dominating her actions, she was suddenly terrified that she'd misjudged everything, even though fundamentally, she knew better.

Her fears, of course, were completely unfounded.

Maura returned her kiss, pushing upward slightly and into Jane's mouth, taking a long deep breath through her nose, pulling in Jane's unique scent with it.

The beginning of this courtship was slow and tentative, hands remaining where they lay, lips closed and stiff.

It wasn't until Jane felt Maura move her hands up to cradle her face that the detective relaxed somewhat and began to enjoy the kiss that she'd initiated. Maura's slender middle finger of each hand slid and settled just behind her own earlobes and then gently pulled Jane's face closer into her own, her thumbs caressing her cheeks, eliciting a soft, quiet, but distinctive moan from the detective.

Hearing Jane voice her arousal, Maura's own spiked. She'd only heard Jane make this sound once before and it was while she had been dreaming the previous night. She'd surmised that it had been an erotic dream by the way the brunette had been breathing heavily and slowly moving her hips. Maura couldn't see her doing this, but could feel the bed moving behind her.

Maura had remained still and quiet after Jane's initial and unusual movement away from her. The detective rolling onto her back had awakened her instantly, since Jane rarely moved in the night after encircling her waist, molding her long slender frame into her own body. When she did move, it was to only get closer, never farther away.

Since the nightmares had returned, after that first unexpected night of breathless, scared and clumsy attempts at requesting comfort, and realizing that Maura was only happy to give that to her, Jane had been finding her way into her bed frequently now and they had both settled into a familiar pattern.

Maura had accepted this and welcomed it, as well. She knew Jane needed support for whatever reason and she was always willing to give it, knowing how difficult it had been for Jane to even let herself be perceived as weak and exposed to begin with.

The headstrong and private brunette would never reveal her own attractions to the doctor voluntarily either.

But last night, Jane had unconsciously let her guard down in her sleep.

Maura had woke up initially because Jane had moved away from her. She had stayed awake because of the sounds the detective had been making…soft, low, breathless sighs and an occasional quiet grunt.

Finally, Jane had moaned her name just before she woke herself up in the apparent throes of an intense orgasm, immediately covering her mouth with both hands. Maura, once again, couldn't see this, her back still to Jane, but she could feel her movements in the bed.

Maura had remained quiet and still, knowing that Jane was listening to her breathing while trying to control her own. They lay quietly like that for a while, before she herself had eventually fallen back to sleep, but not before allowing her own mind to wander a bit, picturing she and Jane together. It was a familiar fantasy made more intense and vivid now that she had a soundtrack of sorts, Jane's new verbalizations adding another layer to the mental imagery.

She now also had confirmation that Jane herself was also experiencing fantasies of her own of both of them together, as well. It wasn't until Jane had turned back to face her and they'd resumed their previous and familiar position of spooning did she totally relax and drift off completely.

Maura had no memory at all of speaking to Jane as she fell asleep.

Jane quietly moaned again, bringing her back into the moment, their kiss becoming more heated, but still somewhat stiff.

Maura suddenly wondered if Jane was a vocal lover, since just barely a brushing of lips had caused an instant reaction. She couldn't wait to find out, hoping that her hot Italian blood carried over into the bedroom.

She didn't want Jane to be a screamer, however, Maura finding that to be a bit off putting and over dramatic, but she also didn't want her to just lay silently either, preferring a partner that voiced her wants and needs and when those wants and needs were met, to be rewarded with some honest and spontaneous vocal expressions.

Maura knew that Jane was somewhat reserved and prudish when it came to sex as a whole and anything involving it. But she had no idea how Jane reacted when actually having sex, for obvious reasons. And even though they were best friends, Jane had never elaborated on any romantic interludes that she'd experienced in the past either, even when Maura had walked in on the "morning after" niceties, unintentionally causing embarrassment and awkwardness for all parties involved.

But now, having heard Jane moan while awake and kissing she herself, Maura was hooked. She wanted to hear Jane make that sound again…and every other sound she made while in the heat of passion. She knew she had to go slow, however, never rushing anything between her and her detective, but she _needed_ to hear that sound again.

She waited for Jane to let her know it as okay to proceed. Jane didn't make her wait long.

Jane slowly moved her hands from Maura's shoulders to her hips, feeling the curves of the doctor under her palms, pulling her closer into her own body, turning her head to the side slightly, enjoying the kiss, allowing Maura to guide her and set the pace. Her heart threatened to explode out of her chest, her breathing rapid, fingers splaying wide so she could feel as much of Maura's body as possible, then closing into loose fists, pulling the delicate fabric of her dress into them. A quick unspoken admonishment from Maura darted through her mind, before she pushed it aside, pulling her closer still.

Wrinkling the doctor's dress was the _last_ thing that she was thinking of right now. Doing her best to keep from ripping it off of her body altogether shot to the forefront, her nerves, inexperience and second thoughts momentarily taking a back seat to her desire.

Maura, realizing that Jane was ready, gently took charge, her tongue slipping out and in between Jane's slightly opened lips, asking for entrance.

Jane obliged quickly, opening her mouth wider, Maura's tongue dipping in lightly, brushing Jane's briefly, her hands moving from Jane's face and down her neck, lightly brushing over her breasts, circling her ribcage and settling on her lower back, just above the curve of her butt. She pulled the detective into herself, resisting the urge to run her hands down over her muscular buttocks and squeeze them, not wanting to move too fast for Jane, knowing her innate nature to run from the things that were new and tested her resolve.

Maura was trying to keep a clear head. She knew that Jane had never done this before and knowing how fearful she was of the unfamiliar, especially when it came to sex, she wanted to guide her detective and ensure that she didn't feel pushed or pressured.

Jane had always been curious, but very wary of tipping her hand.

R&I R&I R&I

" _So, what's it like?" Jane asked unexpectedly, reaching over and plucking out a handful of popcorn from the bowl that Maura held on her lap, her eyes only briefly turning towards her best friend, then quickly back to the movie that played on the doctor's large flatscreen television directly in front of them._

 _She didn't want to appear eager or obvious. She knew, even now, only months into their friendship, that Maura was keenly aware of body language and voice intonation, cadence and facial expression. She'd already seen firsthand how the CME could use her talents to discern mood and emotional status, her observations uncanny and sometimes bordering on supernatural._

 _They sat side by side in the middle of Maura's large comfortable sofa, their shoulders almost touching, both wearing casual attire, Jane in jeans and Maura in leggings. The doctor was sitting upright, her legs crossed and folded almost under her, Jane lounging back, her long legs stretched out, propped up on the coffee table, socked feet crossed at the ankles._

 _To Jane's secret delight, Maura's left knee lightly rested on her own right thigh._

 _Jane had to make a concerted effort to keep herself from covering it with her right hand, her new and sudden attraction to her best friend consciously pushed down and away, but also the pull to touch her almost uncontrollable._

 _They both were covered from the waist down by the same light blanket that Maura usually kept folded over the back of the overstuffed chair that sat at the end of the coffee table that Jane's feet now rested on, watching a movie that Jane herself had selected._

 _Only Jane's feet stuck out. She rubbed them together periodically._

 _For once, Maura seemed completely absorbed in the DVD that was playing, surprising the brunette. Usually, she methodically picked apart every movie that Jane suggested, only remaining quiet when she herself selected the Friday night film, almost always a documentary or historically based drama and then only if was accurate._

 _"It's actually very good, Jane!" Maura had answered approvingly, moving the bowl over towards Jane so that she had better access to the popcorn, fearful that she'd been so caught up in the movie that she'd been hoarding it altogether._

 _"I mean, obviously there are some meteorological inaccuracies, because nothing like this has ever happened before in recorded history, so the extrapolations could be challenged, but in theory, if this weather anomaly actually occurred…with these fictional circumstances, of course…and with proper suspension of disbelief…"_

 _Maura nodded vigorously, looking at Jane, then back to the screen._

" _…I could see it happening. And the computer generated imagery is extremely well done! I don't agree with the Statue of Liberty surviving that large of a Tsunami, though. Had it been solid and its pilings sunken to at least seventy five to one hundred feet into actual bedrock…maybe. But the fact that it's hollow and perched atop a manmade pedestal…no. It would've gone right way. Do you have any idea the force and power that that much water has behind it? And moving at such a high rate of speed…it definitely would've gone right away." She explained with finality._

 _Maura looked over at Jane again, dipping into the popcorn, holding it in her hand before she spoke, then turning her attention back to the TV._

 _"But the rest of this so far…extremely entertaining…the way the waves are moving around the buildings, gathering strength as they are funneled down the streets and avenues...it's good! Accurate!" She ate the popcorn and quickly went for more, chewing and swallowing before she added more into her mouth, turning her attention back to the movie, eyes wide, mouth slightly open in between bites._

 _To a charmed Jane, Maura resembled a kid watching her first cartoon on Saturday morning, something that she was sure Maura had never done as a child, her privileged yet disciplined youth dictating that she be forbidden to participate in the rituals of the masses._

 _Jane had sat quietly watching Maura throughout her entire scientific explanation, a slight smile on her face, enjoying her best friend's enthusiasm. She'd realized about halfway through her second sentence that the doctor had obviously misheard the question, but not having the heart to interrupt her._

 _Jane had realized very early in the friendship that watching Maura when she was in her element could be one of two things; either extremely boring or extremely exciting. There was no middle ground._

 _When it was extremely boring, Jane usually interrupted her right away, having no patience for dry facts and dull explanations. However, when it was extremely exciting, Jane could sit and listen to her all day, following every hand gesture and body movement, watching her lips and eyes, getting caught up in her zeal._

 _This previous explanation was the latter, Jane finding Maura's animated dissertation highly amusing._

 _Jane decided not to ask her question again, fearful that she wouldn't be able to get it out a second time with the same level of disinterest as she had the first. She also believed in signs and she took Maura's mishearing the question as one, meaning maybe she shouldn't have asked it in the first place. She was fearful that her curiosity might betray her thus far unacknowledged attraction to women, her own infatuation with her best friend still new and only just beginning._

 _A minute passed before Maura furrowed her brow and then looked at Jane, swallowing her mouthful of popcorn before speaking._

 _"Wait." She said, turning her body more towards Jane. "What did you just ask me?"_

 _'Damn!' Jane thought to herself. 'Doesn't anything get by this woman!?'_

 _Jane briefly thought about lying but knew that Maura would see it written all over her face, so she, once more, tried to appear only mildly interested as she asked her question again._

 _She took a deep breath._

 _"I asked, what's it like." She grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it into her mouth, turning her attention back to the m_ ovie, _but seeing nothing, her heart beginning to beat faster. She worked to control her breathing._

" _What's_ what _like?" Maura asked, brow still furrowed_.

 _Jane swallowed, trying her best not to choke on her mouthful. She reached for her beer and took a long pull from it, screwing up her courage again, clearing her throat._

 _"Being with a woman." She stated nonchalantly, looking at Maura briefly and then back to the flatscreen, the movie continuing to play, but now unwatched._

 _Maura looked confused, misunderstanding Jane's question._

 _"I'm with you right now. And it seems fine." She said, reaching for her own glass of Chardonnay, sipping from it primly, rolling it around on her tongue discreetly before swallowing, thinking._

 _Jane turned only long enough to watch this, privately amused, already enamored with the way Maura savored a nice vintage._

 _"Am I doing something wrong? Are you not enjoying yourself?" She asked, concern crossing her face. "I'm not very well versed in the interactions between best friends since I've never actually had one."_

 _Jane rolled her eyes, shaking her head, laughing._

 _"That not what I mean, Maura." She laughed, the ME never ceasing to amuse her with her awkwardness, general social ineptitude and her penchant for taking everything that Jane said or did literally._

 _"Just forget I asked." Jane said, knowing full well that Maura wouldn't._

 _Maura looked down, her brow still furrowed, eyes wandering but seeing nothing, working it through in her mind, then her eyebrows raised suddenly. She looked up._

" _Oh…ooooh!" She said, looking over at Jane, who smiled slightly and looked back towards the television, still trying to appear as uninterested as possible, taking another handful of popcorn, shoving it into her mouth quickly._

 _"I get it. You're asking me what it's like to have sexual intercourse with a woman." Maura stated, matter of factly._

 _Jane grimaced, chewing her popcorn but finding it hard to swallow, her mouth suddenly dry. She filled her mouth with beer again, using it to clear away the kernels before she spoke._

 _"Ugh, Maura! Why do you always have to be so clinical?!" Jane said, still grimacing and shaking her head. "I feel like I'm in my eighth grade sex-ed class! Sexual intercourse? Really?!"_

 _Maura, just beginning to understand Jane's aversion to talking about anything sexual, was confused as to why she was suddenly asking such a blatantly sexual question. She attempted to relate her answer in the best way she knew how, using some newfound information she'd just recently gleaned from a trusted source._

 _Maura nodded before speaking again, squaring her shoulders, trying her best at acting cool, but failing miserably._

 _"I'm sorry. I misunderstood. You want colloquialisms. You're asking what it's like to have sexual relations with a woman, to make love with a woman…"_

 _Jane held up her hand, shaking her head, realizing that Maura had now gone to the other end of the spectrum, suddenly not wanting her to answer her initial question at all anymore._

 _"Uh, uh! Stop, please."_

 _Maura continued to speak, disregarding Jane's obvious attempts at ending the conversation._

"… _what it's like to_ _bump uglies with a woman._ "

 _Maura beamed, seemingly particularly proud of the last comparison, nodding her head, eyebrows raised, her face the very definition of blissful ignorance._

 _"What its like to…" She continued._

 _"NO!" Jane exclaimed, suddenly turning her body to face Maura, holding her finger up, eyes wide, the bowl of popcorn precariously close to falling onto the floor. "No, no, no! I'm stopping you right there, Maura! Not another word! I mean it!"_

 _Maura immediately stopped talking, her face falling, confused again. She thought that she had nailed the references._

 _Jane saw Maura's face and softened her approach, realizing that the honey blonde had no idea how offensive her previous statement had been._

 _"You've been talking to Frost again, haven't you?" She asked, holding Maura's wide eyes with her own narrowed ones. "That's where you picked up that last little gem, isn't it?"_

 _Maura smiled innocently, nodding, thinking that she was about to receive Jane's approval on her social interaction for once. She was wrong._

 _Jane looked at her own lap, talking to herself quietly._

 _"I am going to kill that man. Kill him dead." She whispered, shaking her head._

 _She looked up and found Maura's eyes, holding them, leaning over and placing her hand on Maura's knee, speaking seriously to her new best friend, no latent attraction flashing through her mind whatsoever._

 _"First of all, don't ever say that again, please. It's extremely vulgar and highly offensive." She explained, trying her best not to hurt Maura's feelings. She knew that the doctor was very sensitive when it came to her conversational inadequacies._

 _And even though she knew that Maura had no idea what she was saying, it was still somewhat shocking for Jane to hear it come out of her mouth nonetheless, even if it was unintentional. Maura just never spoke this way. It was one of her most attractive qualities. She never lowered herself to fit in with the natives._

" _And please, from this day forward, never,_ ever, _listen to Frost when it comes to anything having to do with sex!" Jane said, firmly. "He may be in an adult man's body, but his mind is all teenage boy! Understand?"_

 _Maura nodded and watched this explanation quietly, suddenly realizing how Jane's psyche worked when discussing anything sexual. She leaned slightly away from the detective, studying her, for the first time understanding just how deeply her reluctance to talk about the subject actually ran. She also knew that the detective obviously wanted to talk about it, just not having the tools or the nerve to do so, her reserved and priggish nature regarding sex not allowing it._

 _"And stop looking at me like that, Maura." Jane said, sipping her beer again, turning her attention back to the television, attempting to feign aloofness. She moved the popcorn between them, securing it again._

 _Maura's brow furrowed._

 _"Looking at you like how?" She asked, confused again._

 _Jane turned to face her again._

 _"Like I'm some theoretical algorithm or chemistry brain-teaser that you are trying to solve!" She answered, her tone heated and her words clipped. She looked back at the television. "I can almost actually see the well-oiled wheels turning in your head!"_

 _Maura swallowed and nodded._

 _"Sorry." She said, quietly, turning her attention back to the movie, not quite sure what she'd done to aggravate her best friend. This was all new territory for her, having never had this close of a personal relationship with anyone else before. This was one of the main reasons she preferred dead people to living ones. The dead people didn't force her to question herself or her actions._

 _Jane realized how harsh she was being on her best friend._

 _Her shoulders slumped and she took a deep breath, knowing that she was overreacting, Maura merely answering a question that she herself had asked, albeit in a completely uncharacteristic way. Jane was flattered that the doctor had at least been trying to assimilate into her world by going to Frost in the first place._

 _She spoke again, her voice softer._

" _No, don't be sorry, Maura_. I'm _sorry." She gestured towards herself, placing her open palm over her heart. "I didn't mean to jump on you. It was just weird hearing you talk that way, that's all. Really weird. Weirder than your normal weirdness." Jane laughed, attempting to lighten the mood_.

 _Maura didn't smile, still unsure of how she should react. Jane was suddenly ashamed that she'd yelled at and belittled her best friend._

 _"I know you meant well. I really am sorry, Maura." Jane tried to play off her initial question altogether. "I was just a little curious that's all. Since I've never been friends with a woman who was bisexual before. But I'm over it now so…just forget I asked, okay? Please?"_

 _Jane pleaded with her eyes for Maura to drop it before turning her attention back to the movie, now completely forgotten._

 _Maura nodded and turned her attention back, as well, sipping her wine again, suddenly struggling with herself. She knew Jane had initially asked the question for a reason, but she also knew now that the detective was fearful of the answer. Maura was having trouble discerning why, the facts still unclear._

 _The mood in the room had definitely changed and a slight tension was beginning to build the longer both of them stayed silent. Maura didn't like this feeling, another reason she preferred dead people._

 _She spoke first, never wanting to let Jane stew in her own juices for very long. This expression was something that she'd heard Det. Korsak say about Jane once before after a particularly difficult case had gone unsolved in a timely manner. After asking him to explain, she understood the comparison and now she agreed that it fit this situation perfectly._

 _Jane stewing in her own juices was never a good thing. She looked at Jane briefly before turning her attention back to the movie._

 _"It's nice, Jane." Maura said quietly, finally answering the initial question, never knowing how to interpret social cues, but also sensing that her friend wanted this information and her tender heart knowing that she needed it, as well, although the exact reason still unclear._

" _Being with a woman…is nice. Better than nice, actually. It can be beautiful. Almost…moving." She said wistfully_.

 _She didn't turn to look at Jane, who suddenly tensed up and held her breath, but didn't say anything. Jane sat still, her heart beating faster, staring once again at the unseen television. Maura waited for a reprisal from the brunette and when none came, she continued._

 _"It's very different than having sexual interco…um…being with a man." She said, still looking towards the television, not wanting Jane to feel as though her reactions were being gauged or judged in any way._

 _Jane was a smart and intuitive detective, already recognizing that Maura herself could read facial tics and body language._

 _"I prefer it, actually." She continued, seeing peripherally Jane turn to look at her quickly and then back to the television, but she herself stayed facing forward. "I feel more of a connection with a woman when we are…together. For me, being with a man is merely a physical thing, satisfying only a physical need. When I only want to have an orgasm, I seek out men."_

 _Jane winced again slightly at Maura's frank use of scientific sexual terms, but didn't interrupt, her curiosity now fully awake and involved. She remained quiet, listening intently._

 _"When I want something more than that, I seek out women." Maura continued, sipping her wine, waiting to see Jane's reaction to her words._

 _Jane didn't move._

 _Maura turned and looked at her, smiling slightly, as Jane turned to face she herself, the CME'S kind eyes finding Jane's. Maura was slowly having an epiphany. She was beginning to realize why Jane was so curious, but decided not to voice her thoughts, knowing that when Jane was ready_ , if _she was ever ready, she'd inform her of the realization herself._

 _Maura still had no idea about her best friend's budding attraction to she herself. Jane still hadn't acknowledged it internally yet so it did not register on her face at all. When she finally did realize it, she would keep it tamped down deep for years to come. To Maura, Jane merely appeared to be only innocently inquisitive._

 _Jane opened her mouth to speak, but closed it suddenly, unsure of how to proceed. She felt she was treading on dangerous ground, caught between curiosity and denial, her own epiphany very close._

 _Maura waited, the smile never leaving her face._

 _Jane took a deep breath, knowing that Maura would never force her to confront anything, nor would she ever goad or guilt her into anything that she wasn't ready to face. She also knew that she may never again gather the nerve to ask these questions or that the situation may never present itself again either._

 _She decided to throw caution to the wind and seize the day._

'Carpe diem.' _She heard flit through her mind in Maura's own voice, the doctor quite fond of the dead language, using it frequently._

" _What do you mean, it's different? Different how?" Jane asked, swallowing loudly, her mouth still dry._

 _Maura turned her body to face Jane, her wine still in hand. She wrapped her fingers around the stem, lowering it onto her lap before she spoke softly, the bowl of popcorn moved to the coffee table._

 _"It's more than just sexual…at least for me, anyway. I connect with women on an emotional and spiritual level, as well."_

 _The doctor leaned in closer, trying to clarify, a slight smile on her face._

 _"Don't go me wrong, though, Jane. I've had and do still have sex with women strictly for the physical aspect of the sex itself and I enjoy that immensely! Given the right partner, it can be greatly satisfying. But even when it is strictly physical, there is still somehow a...deeper connection. Intangible…but still there."_

 _Maura looked down at her own lap, an unusual wave of sentimentality overtaking her scientific mind. She twirled the glass, the wine swirling inside. She smiled at it before she spoke, understanding what Jane was truly asking…what Jane really wanted to know._

 _"Maybe it's because my partner understands how my body works because we share the same anatomy. Or maybe because she understands the way I think because we share the same fundamental hormones and brain patterns. Do you understand what I'm trying to explain, Jane?"_

 _Jane sat captivated, eyes wide, dropping the whole façade of trying to remain neutral, uninterested and unaffected. She nodded, sipping her beer._

 _"Or maybe it's just because I'm more intrinsically attracted to the female form as well as the female mind. Women are designed to give as well as take. It's very rare when I'm with a woman sexually and I feel as though my wishes and wants aren't being respected and avidly met." She explained. "In short, I prefer sleeping with women. I sleep with men for the physical release. I sleep with women for both the physical release as well as the emotional connection."_

 _Jane nodded, briefly wondering what Maura looked like when she was having sex with a woman, the seed of her first fantasies about her best friend sown and beginning to grow. She realized too late that Maura saw her facial expression and knew immediately what she was thinking. She quickly looked back towards the television, her heart hammering and a slight blush making its way up her neck. A shiver visibly ran up her spine and she tried to ignore it._

 _As always, Maura saw all._

 _Jane swallowed loudly, her eyes wide and focused squarely on the television, her mind furiously trying to find a rational excuse for her facial miscues, her breathing rapid._

 _Maura, once again, sensed Jane's conundrum and relieved her of the task of explaining herself, understanding even this early in their friendship that Jane wasn't one to confront uncomfortable situations when they concerned she herself._

 _"Regardless, Jane. To answer your initial question…" She turned back toward the movie, leaning forward and placing her wine glass gingerly onto the coffee table, picking up the bowl of popcorn and leaning back, handing it to Jane and pulling the blanket up to her chin before finishing her thought. "…what's it like to sleep with a woman? It's…extremely gratifying. I enjoy all aspects of it…everything. From initial contact to satisfied afterglow."_

 _Maura waited for a moment before looking back at Jane, her interest in the movie completely lost._

 _"Did I answer your question sufficiently?" She asked, lowering the blanket and reaching over, filling her hand with popcorn again, moving it towards her mouth but waiting for Jane's answer before the ate it._

 _Jane was quiet, holding the bowl on her lap with one hand, the other holding her now forgotten beer. Her mind was racing, buried thoughts and feelings suddenly bubbling up out of nowhere, Maura's gentle nature and her calming presence briefly breaking through Jane's long fortified walls._

 _She nodded grabbing her own handful of popcorn before speaking, her brief self realization quickly compartmentalized once again._

 _"Yeah, you did. Thanks. But we've missed a lot of the movie." She gestured towards the screen with the hand holding the beer. "It's pretty good and you seem to be enjoying it…for once." She snorted nervous laughter. "Maybe you could rewind it a little, huh?"_

 _Maura smiled, nodding, understanding everything, leaning forward and picking up the remote control off of the coffee table, pointing it at the receiver, all uncomfortable and difficult feelings fervently and purposefully pushed aside._

 _"Anything for you, Jane." She said, smiling, rewinding the DVD, Jane herself prompting her when to resume the movie._

 _Maura meant those last words. She always had and she always would._

R&I R&I R&I

The kiss continued.

Jane gripped Maura's hips, turning them both, the tall lean detective now pushing Maura into the island, her hands moving upward, following her figure, her thumbs exploring the doctor's stomach muscles and then running them up her ribcage until she reached Maura's breasts, almost cupping them, before quickly moving them back to her stomach and then to her hips again. She did this several times, always pausing just before actually touching Maura's breasts themselves, their mouths never leaving one another.

Maura was beginning to notice a pattern, but she said nothing.

Their tongues were now barely caressing, Jane taking her cue from Maura, dipping her own into the doctor's mouth, enjoying the taste of Maura for the first time. She tasted sweet like the wine she'd just been drinking and faintly of the meal she'd just ate, and something else that Jane couldn't quite identify.

She would learn over the next few days of long slow kisses that the unknown taste was just Maura herself, the base that all other tastes were built upon. It was completely unique and it was utterly glorious.

Jane never wanted to intimately kiss another human being again. Only Maura...because even this early into their new relationship, she knew that no one else would ever compare.

With this realization, she slowly became bolder, opening her mouth wider, inviting Maura's tongue to explore deeper.

The doctor willingly obliged.

Maura pulled Jane into her body, her fingers sliding just into the waistband of Jane's slacks at the small of her back, wanting desperately to move them lower, but settling for what she could get, still not wanting to scare Jane, already aware of the defective's reticence to touch her own breasts, even though it was blatantly obvious that she wanted to and badly.

Maura moved them both away from the island, gently pushing Jane into the opposite counter, wanting to show her detective that they both were equals in this experience, neither more dominant, moving her hands up to the middle of Jane's strong back, pulling her closer into her own body. She kissed her deeply for the first time, her tongue pushing into Jane's mouth, then finding Jane's own and sucking on it gingerly, releasing it only when Jane pulled back long enough to take a deep breath.

They made eye contact for the first time since everything began and they looked at one another, no words spoken, the only sound in the kitchen was their heavy breathing.

They both froze, Maura stilling her hands at the small of Jane's back. Jane doing the same, once again, her thumbs just under the swell of Maura's breasts.

Maura blinked and licked her lips, tasting Jane on them, suddenly terrified that the detective was on the verge of ending this, her tolerance for new and uncharted experiences met and exceeded.

She was, for once, wrong.

Jane studied both of Maura's beautiful now mostly green eyes individually, for several seconds each, licking her own lips.

"I've been such a fool." She whispered, glancing at Maura's lips briefly before finding her eyes again. "We've wasted so much time because of my stupidity. My _fucking_ hard-headed, stubborn, stupidity! How can you ever forgive me, Maura?"

Maura held Jane's eyes, taking a deep breath, pulling Jane's scent deep into her nostrils, smiling sweetly. She moved her right hand from Jane's back, gently placing her forefinger into the cleft of the detective's chin, looking at Jane's wet lips longingly, before looking back up into coffee colored eyes.

"Well, we are here now, aren't we?" Maura said, licking her own lips again, her body thrumming with desire, the warmth and nearness of Jane's body, her breath washing over her face gently, smelling slightly of expensive beer and of Jane herself, pushing her into boldness.

"Let's not waste any more time." She said, moving her hand to the small of Jane's back again, pulling her closer. "Just kiss me, Jane."

Jane smiled, softly pulling the doctor closer into herself, the ember of arousal that Maura had been fanning all night suddenly erupting into a bright hot flame. She leaned down into the honey blonde's face, pausing just before their lips touched.

"Just so you know, this is another one of your 'cons', Dr. Isles." Jane rasped, her voice deep and inviting, then kissing her briefly, pulling back and lightly brushing her lips back and forth against Maura's own, pausing just long enough to speak into her mouth.

"You. Are. Bossy." She said, kissing her again, pulling her close, shallowly dipping her tongue into the doctor's mouth once and then again, teasing.

Maura wasn't having it, grabbing Jane's hips again, spinning them once and pushing Jane into the island, the detective's back pressed firmly into it.

"Am I?"

She slid her fingers under the waistband of Jane's slacks again, curling her fingers into the fabric of Jane's shirt and tank, pulling them into her fists. She slowly kissed down Jane's neck, briefly sucking hard on the flesh where it met her shoulder, biting down just enough to leave a mark but not enough to break the skin. As a doctor, she knew just how far she could press into the fascia before she would do damage.

Jane hissed, the slight pain adding to her arousal. She leaned her head over into Maura's, grimacing.

Maura kissed the mark she'd just made then moved up to speak into Jane's ear softly.

"You have _no_ idea how bossy I can be, Det. Rizzoli."

Jane moaned, closing her eyes and turning her head, searching for Maura's mouth again, their foreheads butting slightly, the passion growing with each interaction.

Maura's panties were now unsalvageable and she didn't care. Her only concern was how far her detective was willing to take this, because she herself would go all the way, if Jane was so inclined.

They kissed again, deeply and passionately, both no longer stepping lightly, their intentions now known to one another.

Maura's hands that held Jane's shirt and tank into her fists, but had not moved since, quickly pulled them both out of the back of Jane's slacks. She hesitated before moving forward.

"Jane." She said, breathlessly into her future lover's mouth. "I need to touch you."

Jane stiffened slightly. Maura felt it. She explained, hoping to put the detective at ease again.

"Your skin, baby." She whispered, breathlessly, the term of endearment falling easily from her lips. "Nothing else. I just need to feel your skin under my hands. This only goes as far as you want it to, okay? So, please relax. You'll lead me."

Jane nodded, moving her own hands up to Maura's breasts again, and once again pausing before she touched them, her thumbs pushing just into the seam of her bra exactly at the point where the fabric met her skin.

Maura knew that Jane wanted to move further upward, and Maura herself wanted this as well, but something was holding the detective back. She still hadn't figured out what.

Maura slowly pulled the rest of Jane's tank and shirt completely out of her pants then moved her hands back around, lifting up the fabric and laying her palms gently flat against Jane's back, her fingers dipping just under the waistband of her slacks again, her fingertips grazing the top of Jane's underwear.

Jane inhaled as Maura's soft hands gingerly explored the small of her back.

They kissed deeply once more, mouths opened wide, tasting each other, heads turning side to side in a passionate dance, the wet sounds of their physical union filling Maura's kitchen.

Maura reveled in the soft warmth under her hands, the swell of Jane's muscular butt so close, just within her reach. She could feel it. And if she moved either of her hands only a few centimeters down and towards the center of Jane's body, she could trace her index finger over the spot where the center of her buttocks began. Her heart was jackhammering in her ears, her arousal barely contained.

Jane moved to Maura's ear again, kissing it, licking the lobe and the sizable diamond that graced it.

Maura moaned loudly, her knees buckling briefly before she recovered, her body falling into Jane's.

Maura kissed Jane's neck again, moving downward to the now lightly swollen skin that she herself had just made, licking it, feeling the raised impressions of her own teeth under her tongue.

She sucked on the mark with purpose, feeling the need to brand Jane, intellectually knowing _why_ she was doing this, but not believing that she was _actually_ doing this. She'd never been one to care so much about another human being, living or dead. But now suddenly and unbelievably, she did.

Maura wanted to claim Jane as her own, her mark a visible sign of her ownership. She knew it was immature and highly irresponsible, but she suddenly didn't care. Jane meant this much to her.

Jane gasped and moaned, leaning her head into Maura's, her left hand cupping Maura's chin, forcefully tilting it upward so that they were looking into each other's eyes again, both breathing heavily, Jane feeling empowered and somehow powerful in this new relationship, Maura unknowingly giving her that confidence.

The detective didn't speak but smiled, slyly. She kissed Maura's mouth again before breaking it, sucking on her lower lip briefly, then kissing her face, slowly moving to speak softly into her ear.

Jane was beginning to realize that doing this might be a sexual trigger for her doctor. She'd noticed it earlier when she'd done it while Maura read her list and then once again only a few moments ago. She knew that she herself had a "spot" and she thought that she might have inadvertently and advantageously discovered Maura's.

She wanted to test her theory.

"Are you trying to give me a hickey, Maura?" She whispered softly, brushing her lips against the doctor's ear seductively.

Maura immediately inhaled loudly, closing her eyes and turning her head into Jane's mouth, goosebumps popping up, a slight sigh escaping, a visible shiver running through her body.

Maura reached up and grabbed Jane's face, pulling it into her own, kissing her deeply, their tongues almost warring, her hands finding their way into Jane's long hair, Maura moaning loudly. She leaned into Jane, pushing her back into the island again, her hands gently pulling Jane's hair as they kissed, their bodies pressed together, Maura's hips rolling into Jane's for the first time.

It was the first direct signal that Maura had given her that this might go farther than just kissing.

Jane moaned uncontrollably, feeling Maura's unexpected movement into she herself, her own attempt at catching Maura off guard backfiring. She once again moved her hands up to Maura's breasts, but pausing just before touching them, enjoying the deep kiss and Maura's body pressing against her own.

Maura broke the kiss, her body still pushing Jane into the island, her hips still moving into Jane, her hands trailing down Jane's torso again, settling on her hips.

She licked her lips, finding Jane's eyes, her breathing rapid.

She smiled slyly, much as Jane had just done earlier, before she spoke, studying Jane's flushed face and wide chocolate eyes.

"If you are referring to as whether or not I've voluntarily attempted to give you a slight hematoma, you should know me better than that by now, Jane." She said, pushing her body further into Jane's, eliciting another moan from the detective.

"I don't _try_ to do anything. I either do it or I don't."

Jane moved her own hands up from Maura's ribcage to cradle her face, looking down and holding Maura's eyes steady, her breathing rapid but deep.

"So what you're saying is that you've voluntarily caused damage to my body?" She asked, leaning down and kissing Maura quickly twice, her eyes wide, her nostrils flared. "Doesn't that go against your sacred oath or something?"

Maura smiled into Jane's lips, her own hands forcefully grasping Jane's hips, her head tilted back, her shiny silky hair hanging down to the middle of her back.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again if it causes you too much discomfort." She said, breathlessly.

Jane leaned down and kissed Maura, before, once again, moving to whisper into her ear, her hands leaving the doctor's face and settling on her ribcage just below her breasts, pulling their bodies closer together.

"Please don't do me any favors, Doctor."

Maura closed her eyes, inhaling deeply again, pushing her hips into Jane, her arousal reaching a fever pitch. Through her blurry thoughts, she realized what the detective was doing and was extremely pleased at her quick observations, expecting nothing less from the astute detective. She told Jane immediately.

"I see you've already found out something about me, haven't you, Jane?" She said, smiling into Jane's lips, kissing her deeply again.

Jane pulled back just enough to answer coyly, her own sly smile forming.

"Why, Maura, I have no idea what you're talking about." She returned the kiss, her hands moving up once again to Maura's breasts, but stopping before she actually touched them.

Maura pulled back.

"You've found one of my main erogenous zones." She said, referring to her extremely sensitive ears, her hands moving around to Jane's back again, slipping under her shirt and tank, her palms flat again. "And you are exploiting it. How very observant of you."

Jane smiled, one hand moving to cradle Maura's face again, the other still just below her breast.

"Well, I am a detective, you know?" She kissed Maura lightly. "It's what I do. I _observe_."

Maura laughed sweetly, returning Jane's kiss.

Jane spoke again.

"So, I've only found _one_ of your erogenous zones, huh? How many do you have anyway?" She kissed her again, moving slowly down her neck then back up to her lips.

Maura smiled into Jane's mouth, speaking softly.

"What's the fun in me telling you that, Jane? I was hoping that you would want to find them yourself? I mean, you had so much fun locating my list. I would hope that you would put as much effort into discovering how your touch could render me immediatly and hopelessly aroused."

Jane leaned slightly away from Maura so that she could look into her twinkling eyes, her own narrowed and filled with amusement.

"That sounds like you are issuing me a challenge of sorts, Maura."

Maura closed her eyes and shrugged, before opening them again, her sly smile returning.

"Take it how ever you like."

Jane leaned down and kissed Maura again deeply, moaning as the honey blonde moved her hands down to the brunette's butt, squeezing it firmly. She pushed her hips into Maura, moving them once again into the opposite counter, Maura's back now flush with it.

She broke the kiss, moving purposefully to Maura's ear, whispering breathlessly into it.

"Challenge accepted."

Maura moaned, turning her head into Jane's mouth, searching for her lips again, her arousal now almost painful. She needed Jane's hands on her.

"You know, you _can_ touch me, Jane." She said, pulling the detective closer, squeezing her ass again. " _Please_ , touch me!"

Maura kissed her again.

Jane broke the kiss, looking down into Maura's eyes, now hooded with desire, her face flushed with lust. She then looked at her own hands, which were now in their familiar position, just below Maura's breasts. Her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I _am_ touching you." She said, her breathing still rapid.

Maura licked her lips, then smiled, her own breathing labored, realizing that the detective was still misunderstanding her intentions.

"I mean, you can touch _them_ , Jane."

Jane was still confused, looking at her own hands again.

Maura laughed at Jane's facial expression, the brunette's mind still never going where Maura now needed it to go. She explained.

"My _breasts_ , Jane." She said, softly. "You can touch my _breasts_."

Jane's eyes widened in realization, then she blushed furiously in embarrassment, her conservative nature taking over. She looked away from Maura, trying to hide it, apologizing immediately.

"I'm sorry, Maura." She said, swallowing loudly, then turning to find the doctor's amused eyes. "I don't want to manhandle you. I just didn't want you to think I was groping you."

Maura laughed, explaining her position, wanting Jane to know upfront that she had no trouble telling her partner what she liked, needed and wanted when it came to any sexual encounter, present and future.

" _Grope_ me, Jane." She said, smiling. " _Please_...grope me! I want you to feel free to touch me however you want. If I don't like it or don't approve of anything that you are doing to me, I'll tell you right away. Do you understand?"

Jane nodded, smiling with Maura, who continued, encouragingly.

"And I hope that you'll do the same for me?" She asked, finding Jane's eyes, kissing her briefly. "I want to be a good lover for you, Jane. I don't know anything about your past experiences since you are considerably uncommunicative when it comes to anything having to do with sex. So, I don't know what you like or don't like sexually. Or even what you _need_ or _want_ , for that matter. Or where your erogenous zones are…not yet, anyway. And believe me when I tell you, I can't _wait_ to do a thorough search for them! And I'm hoping you'll tell me if I'm not pleasing you."

She kissed the detective again, pulling her close, before speaking again.

"Because I _do_ want to please you, Jane. _Desperately_ , I want to please you. I want to be the best lover you've ever had and I want you to know that now. So if I ever do something that you don't like or want, I would like for you to tell me right away. And conversely, if I'm _not_ doing something that you need or want, tell me then, as well. Okay?"

Jane nodded, pulling the CME closer into her body, leaning down and kissing her softly again. She moved away slightly before speaking, sheepishly.

"Will you be too disappointed if I can't do that right away?" She smiled uncomfortably. "I've never had anyone ask me what I want or need before." She looked away, taking a deep breath, then back, finding Maura's loving eyes.

"At least, not in the bedroom."

Maura shook her head slowly, holding Jane's eyes, feeling the need to inject a moment of levity.

"Will _you_ be too disappointed in me if all I want to do is please you? Regardless of your reticence to give me the information that I need to do that?" Maura smiled. "You know I ask questions…a _lot_ of questions…a lot of _personal_ and _intimate_ questions. Keep that in mind before you answer."

Jane snorted laughter, the somber mood broken, but the underlying seriousness remaining.

"Then there is something that I do need from you right now." Jane looked away, her blush returning. "It's all I've been thinking about all day…and since you are asking for honesty and full disclosure..."

Maura was pleased and only happy to fulfill Jane's request, whatever it may be.

"Name it." Maura said, moving her own hands up from Jane's backside to her chest, fingering the collar of the detective's deep red button down, centering it, excited for Jane's enthusiasm.

Jane smiled, looking down at Maura's eyes and then at her cleavage, openly studying it for the first time. She licked her lips, her eyes dilated completely.

"I need to know what color your bra is." She looked up briefly into Maura's twinkling amber green eyes, also fully dilated, then back down, noticing for the first time the sparse light freckles that dotted Maura's chest. She briefly wondered where else her doctor was freckled.

Maura spoke seductively.

"You are one button away from finding out." She smiled, leaning into Jane. "And just so you know, it's the same color as my panties. They're a matching set. And you are six buttons and a belt buckle away from finding _that_ out. I'll let you chose how many buttons you want to undo."

Jane closed her eyes, moaning softly, moving her forehead over into Maura's.

"Oh, God, Maura!" She said breathlessly. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you?"

Maura smiled, kissing the tip of Jane's nose, then her cheek, finally her lips.

"On the contrary, Jane. I'm trying to make you feel alive. More alive than you've ever felt in you're life."

Jane pulled back, once again studying Maura's beautiful clear eyes, filled with love and seduction, made somehow more beautiful because she was focusing all that love and seduction on she herself.

Jane nodded and took a deep breath before releasing Maura, moving her trembling hands up to the shiny black button at the top of her dress.

"Now?" she asked, swallowing loudly, her mouth suddenly very dry. "I can just undo it now?"

Maura smiled and nodded at Jane's sudden shyness.

"Whenever you like, Jane. But now really works for me."

Jane fumbled a bit before she finally got it undone, pulling the fabric open slightly, revealing not only the color of Maura's lacy bra, but also the cleavage that she'd been trying not to stare at all night.

The air quickly whooshed out of Jane's lungs before she could stop it, to Maura's utter amusement. The CME laughed, moving her hands down to Jane's hips, giving the brunette a better view of her assets.

"Well?" She smiled, watching the detective stare at her chest and unconsciously lick her lips. "Do you like it?"

Jane nodded fervently, unable to speak, her eyes never leaving Maura's breasts, tentatively reaching up and gently touching the black lace at the top of the shiny black cups, her fingertips lightly tracing it from the straps down to the center, lightly tickling the white alabaster skin underneath in the process, Maura's freckles still mesmerizing her. She retraced her path back to the straps, her breathing slow and deep.

Maura shivered, her nipples becoming immediately and painfully erect. She leaned over and whispered into Jane's ear, taking each of the brunette's hands and placing them directly over each of her breasts, the nipples in her palms.

"Do you see what you do to me, Jane?" She pushed Jane's hands into her breasts, hoping she would understand what Maura was asking of her. "What you always do to me? What you've _always_ done to me?"

Jane immediately began to knead them softly, her thumbs gingerly passing over the erect buds back and forth, eliciting a moan from Maura, her eyes closing, her head falling back slightly.

"Yes, Jane." She whispered. "Oh, yes. That's nice."

Jane looked up for the first time and held her breath, the sight of Maura with her head thrown back, her face reflecting her obvious pleasure, breaking the spell. Her own arousal exploded. She wanted Maura and wanted her immediately, her own fears and inexperience forgotten.

She leaned down and kissed Maura's throat, kneading her breasts with more purpose, pushing her farther into the counter, moving her mouth down to the swell of the doctor's exposed breasts, kissing and licking each one in turn.

Maura reached up and pushed her hands into Jane's unruly black mane, scratching her scalp lightly, pulling Jane closer into herself, another moan escaping.

Jane spoke into Maura's cleavage in between wet kisses.

"God, you are so fucking beautiful!"

Maura pulled Jane's face back up into her own, kissing her deeply again, speaking into her mouth when she was able.

"So are you, Jane! Absolutely gorgeous!"

Jane continued to knead Maura's breasts while they kissed, cupping them and rubbing her thumbs over the taut nipples, pushing her body into the doctor's, rolling her hips forward into Maura's, who was still holding Jane's head.

The house was filled with their sounds of passion…moans, sighs, wet kisses, grunts and occasionally almost unintelligible words, said breathlessly into each other's mouths or onto exposed skin.

Both were so lost in their first initial encounter that they didn't hear the back door open and Angela walk quietly in, stopping in her tracks, frozen, eyes wide, her mouth agape, shocked momentarily into silence, the teacup in her hand forgotten. It wasn't until she spoke that they became aware that they were no longer alone.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli!" She shouted, startling the couple. "What the hell is going on here?! And stop groping Maura!"

 **Dammit, Angela! Why do you always have to crotch block like this?! The funny thing is-that same statement could be said directly to me myself, also, right? 'Cause, for some reason, I always end on a cliff hanger! I don't mean to, I really I don't! Sometimes, it just happens! I know it's frustrating, but, it is what it is.**

 **Thanks once again for your patience. I had a recent death in the family so I was away for a week. But this story still swirled away in my head anyway. It kept my mind off of my grief. I made it extra long to make up for it. Let me know how I did!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you all for the kind words of sympathy. They do mean so much. My mother is now at that big crawfish boil in the sky! And thank you, thank you for all of the fantastic reviews. And also, yes, Angela can be a pest and I now know that many of you really don't like her! Unfortunately, she is in both of our ladies' lives so I have to write her into this fic. If you want an Angela free story, hop over and check out my "novel"(lol) "Suspension of Disbelief"! Which is the story I referenced while Jane and Maura watched "The Day After Tomorrow"! Several of you got it! Thanks for humoring me! Now onward!**

Chapter 9

Jane and Maura both flinched and the detective stepped quickly away from the doctor at the sound of Angela's voice, both completely taken off guard by her unexpected presence.

"Ma!" Jane yelled, turning to face her mother, eyes wide and startled. "What the hell?!"

Maura licked her red, kiss-chapped lips, Jane's saliva still coating them, her sudden action to move away surprising the doctor.

She stood completely motionless, shocked, her back still against the countertop, not knowing what was about to happen between the two women standing in front of her. She looked down quickly at her open dress, her bra now considerably exposed. Jane had not made a move to unfasten any additional buttons, but she had slipped her hand inside of her dress at some point, opening it up wider and leaving it askew. She wasn't sure if she should make a move to button it back up or not.

Jane looked wide eyed from Angela to Maura and then back again, her hands still held out in front of her at approximately the same height as Maura's breasts, had she still been touching them. To remedy this, she wiped her kiss swollen mouth quickly with the back of her hand, the color draining from her face and her arousal hitting a brick wall, her mother being the equivalent of being dowsed with an ice cold bucket of water. It was suddenly replaced with crushing embarrassment, an instant and bright blush streaking up her chest and settling on her cheeks and forehead. She looked as if she had a fever.

Jane immediately felt like a teenager again, caught kissing Gino Oliva on her front porch after their third date.

"What are you doing here?!" Jane shouted, her mind suddenly recalling Maura's slight state of undress. She stepped over toward the CME, her nervous hands attempting to redress the honey blonde, her eyes darting repeatedly between the buttons and her mother's shocked face.

Jane's movements released Maura from her paralysis and she too tried to button her dress, her own fingers getting tangled with Jane's, both pairs of eyes finding each other momentarily, Jane's wide with embarrassment, Maura's wide with empathy for Jane's embarrassment.

They fumbled like this for a moment, Jane turning several times to look at her mother, before Maura stilled her detective's hands, holding them and whispering quietly to Jane, finding her eyes again.

"It's okay, Jane. I've got it, baby."

Angela heard the term of endearment and how easily Maura had used it and how familiar it may have sounded to Jane, possibly having been said countless times already.

Jane found Maura's kind understanding eyes, dropping her hands, leaving Maura to button her dress by herself. However, she quickly turned and stood in front of the doctor, facing her mother again, attempting to shield Maura from Angela's prying eyes, allowing her some privacy.

Maura fell in love a little more with the tall dark detective, her feminine chivalry not going unnoticed and very much appreciated.

" _Well_ , Ma?! What are you doing here?!" Jane reiterated loudly, her raspy voice cracking, one hand finding her hip, the other finding the counter nearest Maura, opening her body up as wide as possible, giving Maura the best coverage she could, not realizing that she herself was unbuttoned, untucked and disheveled.

Angela looked affronted as she stood in her housecoat, nightgown and slippers, her hair pulled up into a loose bun, the forgotten teacup still held in front of her. It would've been amusing under different circumstances.

"I _live_ here!"

Jane's embarrassment suddenly turned to anger, her need to defend Maura's home and her privacy pushing her into action.

"No! You _don't_!" She yelled, pointing towards the carriage house behind Maura's house fervently. "You live back there!"

She quickly looked over her shoulder to assess Maura's progress, then turned back to her mother.

"Maura lives _here_!" She pointed at the floor of the kitchen. "Have you ever heard of a thing called knocking?! _God_ , Ma!"

Angela stepped forward and placed the teacup she had been holding onto the island, her eyes focused, her sense of defending her own perceived territory tantamount, her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed.

"I've never had to knock not once in the entire time I've lived here! Not _once_! Maura has never said that I had to!"

She set her jaw and folded her arms over her chest, her point made.

Jane stood tall, taking a deep breath, stepping towards her mother.

Suddenly Maura spoke up quietly behind her, still working to close her dress.

"That _is_ true, Jane. I've never specifically told your mother that she must knock before she entered."

Jane turned and admonished Maura, gently but firmly.

"Please stop talking, Maura. I'm trying to establish some boundaries here! If we don't do it now, we'll be watching that door forever!" She said, before turning around to eyeball her mother again, resuming her position of shielding Maura from Angela.

Maura mentally noted Jane's subconscious use of the word "forever". She hoped it would describe their future together.

"Sorry." Maura whispered quietly, closing the last button and smoothing out her dress, realizing that it would have to be professionally pressed and not caring in the slightest, welcoming the reason it was in such a state in the first place. She reached out and touched Jane's arm, signaling that she was done.

Jane quickly moved her arm down, stepping away from the counter, allowing Maura to move up by her side.

"See! I told you!" Angela said with a smirk, recalling Maura's admission. "And you are one to talk! You don't _ever_ knock either, you know!"

Jane stepped towards her mother, pointing a finger at her own chest.

" _I'm_ the best friend! Which means _I_ don't have to knock!"

She then pointed at Angela.

" _You_ are the best friend's _mother_! Which means you _do_ have to knock! Best friend _always_ trumps best friend's mother! Everybody knows that!" She looked at Maura for support, knowing that it was her house and she did still have the final word on who could and could not enter without knocking.

Maura smiled slightly and nodded, but said nothing, still trying to remain as neutral as possible, realizing that everything that was being said right now was in the heat of anger. She knew that once both women had calmed down and took a moment to reflect, things could be smoothed over, so her best course of action now was to stay silent and out of the entire argument altogether unless she was specifically called into it.

She also knew the _real_ reason both women were upset with one another and Maura herself _was_ that reason.

Jane was upset that she had just been _caught_ kissing she herself and Angela was upset _because_ she was kissing she herself. Maura was the fuse on the stick of dynamite that had yet to be lit and unfortunately, both women were holding an open book of matches, one already detached and held near the striker strip, waiting...

She refused to be baited into choosing a side, so she remained quiet.

Jane looked back at Angela, realizing the position she was inadvertently putting Maura in, her brow still furrowed in anger. She deftly changed the subject so as not to put her doctor on the spot any longer.

"And what are you doing here so late anyway?!" She yelled, looking at her watch. "It's like nine thirty at night! Shouldn't you be in bed already?!"

Angela picked up the teacup that she'd just sat on the island and pushed it towards Jane hastily, her own brow reflecting her anger.

"I couldn't sleep so I was going to make some tea!"

Jane moved a step closer to her mother, once again pointing to the apartment behind the main house.

"You have tea at your place, Ma! I've seen it! You've made it for me before! Remember?!"

Maura reached out and gently hooked her hand into the crook of Jane's elbow, pulling her back to stand beside her. She knew Jane wouldn't dream of striking her mother, the thought never even entering her mind, but she would intimidate her with her physical presence, her police training sometimes unconsciously taking over. Maura didn't want this to get so far out of hand that the hurt feelings and broken fences couldn't be mended at a later time.

Jane looked briefly down at Maura's hand and then to her face, finding those kind hazel green eyes again, then stepping back, acquiescing to the doctor's unspoken request.

The detective might be furious with her mother, and quite frankly, Maura herself was a bit perturbed, but the doctor believed that Jane should still respect her for who she was and the relationship that they shared with one another.

Maura dropped her hand from Jane's arm but not before briefly squeezing Jane's bicep reassuringly.

Angela saw this but said nothing, preferring to explain further her presence in Maura's kitchen at this late hour.

"I _do_ have tea! But Maura's is better!" She spit out, setting her jaw. "And she said anytime I wanted, I could come over and make some of hers and use her teakettle. It's also better than mine."

Jane turned and looked at Maura quickly, her eyebrows drawn together, lips a thin line, eyes ablaze. Maura smiled sheepishly, nodding.

"I did. And it is." She said quietly, her eyes suddenly widening, reaching out to straighten Jane's collar, immediately becoming aware that the mark she'd made earlier on Jane's neck was blatantly visible, hoping that Angela hadn't already seen it, but almost positive that she had.

It was hard to miss. Nothing that a shirt with a collar wouldn't hide, of course. Maura making sure to bruise the skin in the most discreet place possible so as not to draw attention to it while Jane was at work. But understandably, Jane's shirt had been mussed when she stepped out of their heated embrace. And during their passionate exchange, Maura had undone Jane's remaining buttons, as well, so it hung open and free, already having been pulled completely out of her pants earlier.

' _Thank God Angela didn't walk in five minutes later_!' Maura briefly thought, relief flooding her mind. ' _I was about to start working on Jane's belt and zipper! Ten minutes later and she might've been completely nude_!'

Jane took a deep somewhat angry breath, unaware of Maura's intentional attempt at covering her mark, she herself having already forgotten about it altogether, her mother's sudden and unwanted intrusion filling her mind completely. She wanted her nosy mother gone and as soon as humanly possible, her brain a swirling hot mess of emotions.

The enormity of what she had just witnessed them doing was just now starting to settle in, her actual presence in Maura's kitchen secondary.

Angela saw Maura's tactful yet tender attempt at concealing the mark that she most definitely had already seen and it angered her even more. She narrowed her eyes at her eldest.

"Just forget it! I don't want it anymore anyway!" She said angrily, turning to leave the house but stopping abruptly and turning back to face Jane, pointing at her with the teacup.

"And just so you know, you have a love bite on your neck!" She said, her eyes briefly darting to Maura and then back to Jane. She then turned on her heels and stomped out of the kitchen, slamming the door, leaving them both briefly speechless, wide eyed and unsure of what had actually just transpired in the past ten minutes.

Moments later, they both heard Angela's own door being slammed.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Jane walked with purpose to the back door and threw the lock, twisting it closed forcefully. She turned back and looked at Maura, her breathing rapid, her eyes fiery, her jaw clinched and working, anger, frustration and confusion warring for dominance across her face.

Then the detective summarily ended the quiet.

She balled her hands into fists, looked up, closed her eyes and screamed once angrily and soundly at the ceiling.

R&I R&I R&I

Jane was leaning over onto the island, resting on her elbows, hands covering her eyes, moaning dramatically.

Maura stood next to her and softly, lovingly ran her hand up and down Jane's back, smiling at the brunette's overt theatrics.

"It's not that bad, Jane." Maura said, leaning over and kissing the crown of Jane's head, her lips lingering as the detective tilted her head into Maura's lips, her eyes still covered.

Jane took a deep loud breath.

"Which part isn't that bad, Maura?" She said, grimacing, thinking that Maura surely didn't understand the seriousness of the situation, never moving her hands from her eyes. "The part where my mother just witnessed her only daughter making out with her best friend? Or the part where my _Catholic_ mother just witnessed her only daughter making out with her _female_ best friend? Be specific, please. There is a _distinct_ distinction. One carries more guilt and penance than the other."

She stood up straight, moving her hands to her forehead and pushing her hair off of her face, sighing loudly. Turning to face Maura, looking down at her best friend, she moved her hands back to her forehead, interlacing her fingers, looking very much like she was trying to ward off a major headache.

"Or maybe it's the part where she pointed out the hickey on my neck that I had completely forgotten about? Thank you for that, by the way. As much as I enjoyed you giving it to me, now I'll never live it down. If she tells Frankie, or _God_ forbid, Tommy…" She shook her head and smiled tiredly, gingerly touching the raised mark before moving her hand back to her forehead again.

"Or maybe it's the part where I was _grinding_ myself into you and actively fondling your boobs?" She held her hand up quickly. "Wait! What was the word my mother used? Oh, yeah! _Groping_! Sound familiar?"

She cut her eyes at Maura, smirking, reminding her that she herself had used that same word to describe her previous actions toward the CME.

Maura laughed and gently grasped Jane's hips, pulling her closer into herself, wrapping her arms around Jane's waist, the brunette's own arms still raised, her hands still on her forehead. Maura laid her head on Jane's chest, pulling her closer still, encircling her body completely, listening to her heartbeat.

It was slightly elevated but not enough to indicate significant distress.

"You weren't doing anything that I didn't ask or want you to do." She said quietly into Jane's chest. "And as you might recall, I was doing the same to you."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't your mother who busted in on us, was it." Jane smiled, holding up the appropriate amount of fingers. "And you have _two_."

Jane slowly enveloped Maura's body with her arms, leaning her head over into the honey blonde's, closing her eyes, enjoying the feel of the doctor's body pressed against her own, pulling the scent of Maura's hair deep into her lungs, it's smell soothing her. Since the nightmares had returned and Maura had allowed Jane to enter her bed and hold her in the night, this smell had become a salve that instantly calmed her nerves. Even when the doctor changed her brand of shampoo and conditioner, the essence of Maura was always still there.

Maura spoke, closing her eyes, enjoying their closeness, as well.

"Well, if I had known that your mother was going to make an appearance tonight, I wouldn't have made the _hickey_ , as you call it, so obvious. Maybe I would've waited and put it some place where no one but me would ever see it." She said, smiling, flirting a bit, hoping that Jane would indulge her, but convinced that she wouldn't, knowing Jane's state of mind.

Maura was, as usual, correct.

Jane had just experienced a life-altering event. She needed time to process it.

Jane pulled away from Maura slightly, but just enough to look into her eyes, not releasing her entirely.

"I'm sorry, Maur." She spoke softly, her eyes filled with regret at her next words. "As much as I want to do this with you…right now, I just can't. My mother has that effect on me. She is _literally_ the human equivalent of a freezing cold shower."

Maura smiled and nodded, pulling Jane close again, closing her eyes, running her hands up Jane's back, her fingers working their way under Jane's long black hair, settling in between her shoulder blades. She began to slowly scratch up and down lightly.

Jane moaned softly, leaning her head into Maura's again. The sound wasn't sexual in any way, merely one of enjoyment and general pleasure.

"I understand." Maura said, quietly. "And I'm sorry for trying. I know now's not the time." She spoke into Jane's chest, taking a deep breath, pulling in Jane's scent. "But I'm _telling_ you, that it's not as bad as you think, Jane. Trust me on this."

Jane snorted laughter, pulling Maura closer into her own body, kissing her forehead. "I love your optimism, Doctor. But you don't know my mother as well as I do. I've got forty years on you in that department. You may be observant and able to extricate classified information by just using your Maura superpowers, but she's a tough nut to crack. And once she's made up her mind about something…"

She let the sentence dangle, kissing Maura's forehead again, pulling her close one more time before releasing her, stepping out of the embrace. Turning immediately back to the island, she leaned over it onto her elbows again, covering her eyes, resuming her previous position.

"And I think she's made up her mind about something." She said sadly, a hint of finality in her voice. "Us."

Maura picked up on it immediately, not liking it's implication. She called Jane out on it right away, the doctor not one to hide behind cautionary conduct. Maura knew something that Jane didn't, but she wasn't at liberty to reveal it just yet. And in light of Jane's tone, she wasn't sure she should. She needed the detective to clarify.

She stepped away from Jane, her own eyes narrowing a bit.

"You sound like you have made up your mind about something, as well, Jane." She moved down to the end of the island so she could see the detective's face. She tried to never use her facial expression recognition abilities when it came to her personal relationships, feeling it to be invasive and predatory at times, but she needed to know where Jane now stood concerning they themselves and their budding relationship.

Her future depended on what she saw on Jane's face and, more importantly, in her eyes.

Jane, once again moved her hands up to her forehead, but remained leaning over the island, unaware of Maura's decision. She did notice Maura's change in tone, however, and she looked over at her, also noting that she'd moved away, no longer touching she herself anymore.

Even in her state of mental anxiety, confusion and irritation, she immediately missed Maura's hands on her body and the comfort and calmness that they brought with them.

Maura asked quietly, yet firmly. "Have you?"

Jane's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Have I what?" She asked, facing Maura, still leaning over onto the island. "What do you mean?"

Maura intertwined her own fingers on the granite countertop, a seriousness settling over her. Jane noticed it right away.

"Have you made up your mind about us, as well?" She asked sternly, Maura always ready to get to the point straightaway. "I need to know, Jane."

Jane looked from Maura's eyes to the back door, her eyes still confused, but she was working things out.

"Are you ashamed of us?" Maura asked honestly, her eyes never leaving Jane's face. "I mean, if your mother doesn't approve, are you going to end this? I want to know now, please. I _need_ to know now. Be honest."

Jane's eyes snapped back to Maura's immediately, wide with disbelief, her mouth open. She stood up quickly.

"Are you _shitting_ me, Maura?!" She asked incredulously, stepping to the end of the island and directly in front of the doctor, gently grabbing her upper arms, bending at the knees so they would be on eye level, her own eyes boring into Maura's. "You _are_ shitting me, right?!"

Maura stood in front of Jane, looking into her eyes and looking at her face, realizing that Jane would never lie to her. She was suddenly ashamed for thinking that she ever could, but relieved that she had made her choice already, regardless of any outside influences, her own included. She looked down at her own hands held in front of her, fingers still intertwined.

"Maura, do you really think that I would let my _mother_ dictate my life?!" She exclaimed, leaning slightly into her doctor's face, her left hand leaving her upper arm and gently pushing Maura's hair behind her right ear, her forefinger trailing down to follow her jawline, settling under her chin, but not forcing it upward.

"Look at me, Maura." Jane insisted, her eyes intent, waiting for Maura to look up on her own. "Please? You don't _really_ think that, do you?"

Maura slowly raised her head, her green eyes finding Jane's deep brown. She shook her head slowly, smiling sheepishly.

"No. I know you wouldn't." She said softly, reaching out and placing her hands on Jane's hips. "I'm having a momentary lapse in cognitive function."

Jane smiled with her, kissing her mouth briefly, before standing tall and pulling Maura into a strong hug, speaking into her hair.

"Damn _right_ , I wouldn't! I can't believe you would even go there, Maura!" She laughed, kissing the top of Maura's head quickly. "You know I take great pleasure in doing the _exact_ opposite of what my mother wants me to do!"

Maura laughed as she snuggled into Jane's embrace, kissing her neck briefly before breaking the hug, much to Jane's chagrin. She stood with her arms open wide, watching Maura move around the kitchen, confusion and mock hurt on her face.

"Where are you going? I wasn't done hugging you! I thought that admission deserved at least several minutes!" She said, following Maura with her eyes as the doctor moved with purpose. "What are you doing anyway?"

Maura laughed at Jane's antics, opening a cabinet and taking out a special teacup and saucer, walking back to the island, setting it down.

"I'm going to make your mother some tea and you're going to take it to her and you are both going to talk." She said matter of factly, turning on the filtered water tap, picking up the teakettle off of its trivet and beginning to fill it.

Jane huffed immediately, amused.

"No, I'm not."

Maura turned on the gas burner and set the kettle down on top of it, ignoring Jane's insolence. She continued to gather the things she needed to make a cup of hot tea, placing them on the counter next to the teacup, before looking up at Jane, a slight smile on her face, head tilted to the side.

Jane shook her head vehemently, all amusement gone.

"No, I'm _not_ , Maura!" She said, her hands finding her hips. " _She's_ the one who barged in here and interrupted _us_ , remember?!" She pointed heatedly at the back door. "If there is any apologizing to be done tonight, its gonna be done by _her_!"

She then crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Maura, leaning over onto her left hip.

Maura walked to Jane and gently placed her hands on Jane's crossed forearms, speaking calmly, looking up into the brunette's glowering eyes with her own kind ones.

"I never said anything about anyone apologizing, Jane." She said softly. "Apologizing intimates that someone has done something wrong, and neither you, nor I, have. And technically, neither has your mother since, as I stated earlier, I have never specifically asked her to knock before she entered my home."

Jane huffed again and rolled her eyes, but didn't speak. She looked away from Maura.

The doctor squeezed Jane's forearms firmly before releasing them, moving away and giving Jane her space.

"I'm merely suggesting that the sooner both of you talk about this, the sooner both of you can figure out where we _all_ go from here. And, once again, I'm telling you that it is _not_ as bad as you think it is, Jane."

" _Suggesting_? Right." Jane interrupted, chuckling sarcastically, hearing only the first half of Maura's statement, her mind already anger locked. "Is _that_ what you're doing? Suggesting?"

Maura understood Jane's remark and attitude, taking it for what it was. She was attempting to stave off a confrontation with her mother, instead deflecting her fear and anger onto she herself with her usual familiar sarcasm. It was a position that they had both been in many times before. So many times, that now Maura was used to it. And as much as she disliked it, this was an integral part of Jane's personality and she had chosen to accept it.

Maura smiled knowingly, taking a deep breath, stepping away from Jane, crossing her own arms over her chest.

She spoke softly, but carried a big stick.

"Are you endeavoring to pick a fight with me now to avoid talking to your mother? Because I'm going to save you some trouble and tell you that I'm absolutely _not_ going to do this with you, Jane. So if that is your plan, then I'll just go ahead up to bed now. You can join me if you like, _whenever_ you like, and I promise we will not speak of this again tonight. I will still welcome you into my bed and into my arms. And I always will, regardless of the situation."

She paused, gauging Jane's reaction to her words, but still not allowing it to change her stance.

Jane glanced at her briefly and then looked away, swallowing once.

"But I'm telling you now, it _will_ be the first thing we talk about in the morning." She paused, giving Jane a chance to digest what she'd just said, before continuing.

"Or…you can also _still_ choose to leave and I promise, once again, there will be no immediate repercussions. But know that that would not be a wise choice. Running from problems or difficult situations is not the foot we want to start out on. I know it and you know it. But ultimately, it is _still_ all your choice, Jane."

Jane turned her head and found Maura's eyes.

Maura smiled and lowered her chin but never broke eye contact, her hazel green eyes big and bright, her words holding no malice or sarcasm, only truth.

She spoke once more, earnestly.

"And if I've misjudged the situation entirely and your perceived reaction to it, please forgive me."

Jane glared, realizing her predicament, knowing full well that Maura had hit the nail on the head. It was a rare thing indeed for Maura to misjudge anything.

As Maura waited for Jane to reply, the teakettle started to whistle loudly. Neither made a move to take it off of the burner.

They stood silently looking at each other for a minute, the loud piercing sound filling the entire house now, a standoff of sorts.

A standoff that Jane knew she would never win.

' _Dammit_!' She thought. ' _Why does she have to be so fucking smart_?! _And so fucking right all the time_?!"

Jane gave in, rolling her eyes again, reaching over and taking the kettle off the burner, turning off the gas flame.

"Fine! I'll go talk to her! You win!" She huffed, moving away from the island, leaning her back on the opposite counter in front of the sink, arms crossed once again, looking away from Maura, lips pursed and jaw clinching.

Maura sighed, taking no pleasure in any of the past few minutes, winning an argument never being her goal. She told Jane this as she turned her back on the detective to prepare Angela's tea.

"Jane, there is something that you should already know about me by now." She said, calmly and with no animosity. "My aim is never to win an argument. My aim is to see both sides clearly and make the best decision for all parties involved, whether I have a personal stake in the outcome or not."

Jane remained quiet, the steaming water being poured into the teacup briefly the only sound in the kitchen. She did, however, huff once again loudly.

Maura smiled to herself as she filled the infuser with her own proprietary blend of chamomile and valerian tea and dropped it slowly into the hot water, slicing a wedge of lemon and placing it on the edge of the saucer while the tea brewed.

While waiting, she turned and faced Jane, who still stood across from her, arms folded refusing to make eye contact. Maura smiled sweetly, eyes full of love.

"Are you going to be mad at me all night now." She asked, demurely. "I'm assuming that you are staying here with me tonight since you've made no move to leave."

Jane was silent.

"You know that I'm only asking you to do this because it's what's best for both you _and_ your mother, right, Jane?"

She received no answer or acknowledgement from Jane whatsoever, who continued to look off to the side, not even glancing in Maura's general direction, lips still pursed. The doctor noted, however, that the detective was no longer clinching her jaw. Taking that as a good sign, Maura persevered.

"The longer you avoid one another, the more difficult and uncomfortable it will be once you do start talking again. And you _will_ start talking again, Jane. It's unavoidable. She's your mother. And as much as you hate to admit it, you love her. Just as much as she loves you."

Still no reaction.

"And let's face it." She continued quietly. "She lives in my carriage house. Less than twelve feet away from my back door. So unless you want to continue this relationship from now on _entirely_ at your apartment, some reparations have to be made."

They stood in silence, one deciding and one decided.

After a few minutes, Maura turned back to Angela's tea. She lifted the infuser from the cup, letting it drain naturally and then moved to drop it into the sink, her hand held under it to keep it from dripping onto the kitchen floor.

Jane was momentarily in her way, since she was leaning against the sink itself. She quickly sidestepped, but didn't acknowledge Maura's words or presence, her arms still folded across her chest.

Maura stood next to Jane in front of the sink, lowering the tea ball slowly into it, taking a slow deep quiet breath.

She looked briefly up at Jane, who stood merely inches away, then back into the sink, the infuser and her wine glass it's only contents. She took another deep breath, releasing it quickly.

"Are we having our first fight?"

Jane was silent for a moment before she spoke into the kitchen, not addressing Maura directly.

"We've fought before, Maura." She said, glancing at the doctor, then back away from her. "You know that. Your father, the _mobster_ , almost ended us, remember?"

Jane immediately regretted her words, knowing that she'd said them defensively, her arsenal of weapons that dealt with emotional confrontations limited and blunt, the tools not honed and sharpened through regular usage.

Jane cleared her throat, trying to rectify her misstep. "I mean, he almost ended our _friendship_."

Maura spoke quietly, looking into the sink, glancing briefly up at Jane then back down at the sink, her hands gripping the edge of it.

"Paddy didn't do that, Jane. I did. And I've apologized and you've accepted. So please stop blaming my poor judgement on him and put it where it belongs. Squarely on my shoulders. And if you ever want to bring this subject up again, please keep that in mind."

Maura smiled sadly, recalling the whole entire Paddy Doyle debacle that very nearly and absolutely almost ended she and Jane's friendship. She once again felt that she needed to clarify.

"And that's not what I mean and you know it." She said, reaching over and touching the detective's forearm. "I mean are we having our first fight as a _couple_?"

Jane looked at the hand that rested on her arm and after a few moments of perfunctory reflection, smiled thoughtfully, knowing that she had never truly _been_ , nor could she ever _stay_ , mad at Maura, especially not now. Not after they had finally found each other.

"I suppose so." Jane said quietly, her eyes never leaving Maura's hand. "And just so you know, if that's what we are…a couple, I mean…then when it comes to my mother and your constant need to defend her, you should get used to it. We'll be doing it a lot. Especially if she decides not to accept this."

She glanced up briefly, finding the doctor's understanding eyes with her own sad resigned ones, then back to her hand again.

"I'm not going to have her interfering with us or bad mouthing you. You've been more than kind to me and my crazy dysfunctional family over the years, Maura. You don't deserve it. If she has a problem with this, then I have a problem with her. And no matter how much you're going to hate it and try to constantly get us to confront it and work it out, if she can't accept this, then it is _her_ problem to solve. Not mine...and not ours. Understand?"

Maura smiled and leaned into Jane, who immediately opened her arms and embraced the CME, kissing the side of her face before pulling her close, their first fight overcome and forgotten.

The doctor welcomed the warmth of Jane's hug, speaking into her neck.

"You really should give your mother more credit, Jane." She said, kissing the detective's long neck and the bruise that she'd left there earlier.

"When she earns it, she'll get it." Jane said seriously, leaning her head over into Maura's, then pulling away slightly once she realized where Maura's lips were.

"Hey! Are you trying to make it worse?!" She exclaimed, referring to the mark and how Maura was kissing it.

Maura laughed, pulling Jane back into her embrace.

"No, Jane. I'm not." She said, smiling, kissing it again then whispering into the detective's ear. "I've heard that kissing it makes it all better. Although, there is little concrete scientific data to back up that claim."

Jane laughed and squeezed the doctor, turning her head into Maura's again, before she whispered into her soft hair.

"Scientific data or not, Maur. It's working. You kissing any part of me makes everything all better."

R&I R&I R&I

Maura dropped two sugar cubes into the tea and swirled in a teaspoon of Tupelo honey, tapping the lip of the cup delicately once and then gently laying the spoon into the sink. She added a clean one to the saucer next to the lemon wedge.

She then picked up the saucer and cup and proffered it to a waiting Jane, who stood, hands on hips, lips pursed, extremely unhappy with the whole situation.

Jane voiced her reservations.

"I'm _extremely_ unhappy with this whole situation." She deadpanned, taking the cup and saucer from Maura, holding it awkwardly in front of her as the doctor smiled, trying her best not to laugh.

Seeing Jane, the most feared, decorated and youngest female detective in Boston Homicide's history holding a dainty Wedgwood china teacup and saucer was a juxtaposition that the doctor never thought she'd witness in her lifetime.

"I can see that, Jane." She smiled. "But you know that this is for the best. So stop acting like I'm forcing you to do it."

Jane's mouth dropped open, incredulous.

"Are you serious?! You _are_ forcing me to do this!" She said, stepping towards Maura. "If it was up to me, hell would freeze over before I'd chase my mother down to talk about what she barged in on tonight!"

Maura held up her hands, trying to calm Jane down. Jane wasn't having it.

"She _barged_ in, Maura! _Barged_! _In_!" Jane repeated herself vehemently, the teacup beginning to shake in her hands. "How many times have I told you to keep the doors locked?! And I don't care that it's Beacon Hill, Maur! So don't even _try_ to use that excuse again! Crime is everywhere! And apparently, so is my _mother_!"

Maura saw Jane's shaking hands and quickly relieved her of the expensive china, hoping that it's opulence would prompt Jane to act accordingly, tempering her anger. But she realized that Jane was completely unaware of its pedigree, her own predicament taking precedence.

"She didn't _barge_ in, Jane." She said quietly, returning to the cabinet and taking out a less expensive cup and saucer, setting it down next to the Wedgwood, transferring the liquid from one cup to the other. "I've already told you that she's always been welcome anytime into my kitchen. As are you and Frankie and Tommy."

Jane watched Maura with confused interest, listening to her speak, but more interested in her actions.

"Yeah, yeah. Everybody is welcome in the house that Maura built." She said absentmindedly, pointing to the tea setup, her brows furrowed in curiosity. "What are you doing?"

"I'm giving you another cup and saucer."

"I can see that. Why?"

Maura added the lemon wedge and then handed the new set to Jane.

"Because I don't mind if you break these."

Jane looked down at the steaming liquid and the cup that held it and the saucer it sat upon, then to the empty set that sat on the countertop. She took a deep breath, narrowing her eyes.

"Do I really want to know how much those cost?" She asked, pointing to the now empty chinaware.

Maura smiled sheepishly, shaking her head.

Jane rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Please tell me not more than the biscuit." She said, referring to Maura's favorite painting that hung just outside of her bedroom door. The price of the original artwork had become the baseline that Jane judged all of Maura's high end possessions and purchases upon.

Everything that the detective considered to be ridiculously expensive was either priced higher or lower than the beloved Jean-Michel Basquiat. It was Jane's own version of the game show "The Price Is Right", a television program that the doctor had never heard of before in her life until Jane had explained it's premise and forced her to watch on several occasions when, according to Jane, "there was nothing else on".

Maura was never amused when Jane decided to arbitrarily play the game herself, leaving Maura feeling obligated to justify her purchases.

"No, not more." Maura smiled, picking up the new offering and handing it to Jane.

Jane took the saucer gingerly, balancing the cup, lemon wedge and teaspoon precariously, now worried that she might drop everything altogether. Once she secured it, she eyeballed Maura suspiciously, waiting for the full story.

The doctor admitted, smiling at Jane's reaction.

"But not considerably less, either." She said, quickly clarifying. "But not just the one saucer and cup, Jane! The entire set."

Jane exploded.

"Have you _lost_ your mind, Maura?! I might've ended up throwing those at her tonight! Shit!" She yelled. "Don't ever, _ever_ , put something into my hands that I can't afford to replace in a year!"

Maura laughed heartily, bending at the waist, placing her hands on her own hips, the entire events of the night and watching Jane trying so hard to balance the teacup finally catching up to her.

" _Hey_!" Jane said, setting the saucer and teacup down, reaching for the honey blonde, placing her hand on her shoulder and raising in her upright. "You don't get to laugh now. I'm about to either settle this once and for all or kill my mother tonight! And I'm in law enforcement! So that's gonna reflect badly on my job performance! I could get a reprimand…or worse! Suspended with pay! So there _is_ no laughing!"

Maura reached for Jane and the detective pulled her into a tight hug, all of the night's past disagreements and contention forgotten.

Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's middle and buried her face in the warmth of the brunette's neck, snuggling into her embrace, her laughter slowly ebbing, her eyes tearing.

Jane pulled Maura close, enjoying the feeling of the doctor's slightly cold nose against her skin and acutely aware of her shapely body pressed against her own. Somewhere deep in her peripheral awareness, outside of the task that she was about to undertake with her overbearing and meddlesome mother, the feeling of Maura's full firm breasts pressed against her own and the warmth and smell of the woman in her arms registered sexually.

A tendril of desire reached out through her fog of obligation. She knew it wouldn't grow into full blown passion, but it kept her focused on the task ahead and what she would be returning to once it was over.

The wonderful and wondrous woman she now held in her arms would be waiting for her.

Jane knew deep down that Maura was right and had been the entire evening and about everything.

The brunette knew that she needed to confront her mother right away and not wait for things to boil and fester. She also knew that the sooner she did this, the sooner all parties involved could adjust.

She also knew that whatever her own mother had decided about she and Maura becoming involved didn't matter and wouldn't affect any of her future decisions regarding their new relationship. She wanted her mother to understand this right away. She was not going to compromise or back down.

If her mother couldn't accept this new union, then she needed to know that she herself was willing to cut ties, as difficult and fractious as that might be for everyone involved. If Frankie and Tommy wanted to chose sides, then that would be their own decision. She would accept whatever happened, fighting only for Maura, the doctor's needs and wants taking precedence above all else, even her own.

Especially her own.

But for the moment, she held Maura close and reveled in her affections, feeling immensely privileged and gracious that someone as tender, patient and tolerant would allow someone as stubborn, brash and uncultivated as she herself into her life.

Not to mention, she was extraordinarily rich and giving to a fault, a trait that Jane would never dream of taking advantage of.

Her heart was racing, her breathing rapid as she realized what she as about to say, but understanding that her admission was inevitable.

She kissed Maura's forehead, pulling her closer.

Maura took Jane's physical movement as a prompt for her to speak.

"I'm not laughing at you, Jane." She said, snuggling in closer, briefly kissing the detective's collarbone. "Well, maybe I am a little. But I'm mostly laughing at this whole night. It's suddenly sneaking up on me. My lack of quality sleep is beginning to settle in."

Jane smiled into Maura's silky hair, nodding, kissing her forehead, her lips lingering.

"I completely understand. It's been a long day." Jane sighed, her lips still on the doctor's forehead. "And I still have to go talk to _her_! Yaaaay. And to top it off, I think the tea's cold now. She'll say something."

She kissed Maura's forehead again.

Maura chuckled, pulling Jane closer and lightly scratching her back again, eliciting the same response as before, a soft long moan.

"I'll make more. Stay with me for a few more minutes."

Maura noticed that Jane's heart rate was beginning to increase suddenly. She wrongly attributed it to the task that the detective was about to undertake, mainly confronting her mother about the evening's happenings. She wished she could alleviate Jane's stress and fears, but unfortunately, she couldn't, a previous promise made and still kept.

Unbeknownst to Maura, Jane's increased heart rate had nothing to do with her mother and everything to do with the doctor herself. The detective was about to admit something and she was taking a brief moment to gather her courage, enjoying this last moment with Maura. Because after she said the words, things would change.

She spoke softly.

"Maura? I want to tell you something." She said, rubbing her hands up and down the doctor's back, gently. "It's kinda serious."

Maura pulled back, her brow furrowing immediately, finding Jane's eyes.

"Is something wrong? Are you okay?" She asked, a slight tremble making its way into her voice. "Have we moved too fast for you?"

Jane smiled at the absurdity of Maura's last question.

"No, sweetheart. We most definitely have not moved too fast. I think that what I'm about to say to you after six and a half years is way overdue."

She leaned down and kissed Maura slowly, their mouths barely open, no tongue, no sexual passion, only love. Jane broke the kiss and smiled, her calm eyes finding Maura's concerned ones. She moved her hands from Maura's back up to cradle her face, her thumbs caressing her soft cheeks.

"What is it, Jane? You're starting to scare me now."

Jane took a deep cleansing breath before she spoke, her mind clear for the first time in years, all the doubts and fears finally erased with that last kiss. She knew now was the time…finally.

"I just wanted to tell you something. Something I should've had the guts to say to you years ago when I started to realize a few things. A few things about myself and a few things about you…"

Jane paused, the enormity settling in.

"…and about how I felt about you. And I didn't. Instead, I pushed everything down and buried it. I buried all of it. I even buried it from myself. And now I realize that we've wasted a lot of time. _I've_ wasted a lot of time."

She paused and Maura's wide eyes held her own, her brow still furrowed. The honey blonde reached up and grasped Jane's wrists.

"Jane?" She started to speak, her own heart now jackhammering in her chest, her breathing rapid, the detective's intentions unknown to her, her serious tone taking her off guard. She was sure that Jane was ready for this new relationship, but suddenly she doubted everything, even after all that had happened in the past hour or so. "What's wrong? Please just say it."

The tall lean detective smiled at the fair haired doctor, kissing her briefly once more before she finally laid her own soul bare.

"Dr. Maura Dorthea Isles, Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of the State of Massachusetts and the most beautiful woman I've ever met…" She paused, smiling at the most beautiful woman she'd ever met. "…I am hopelessly, desperately and shamelessly head over heels in love with you."

 **Yay! No cliffhanger this time! So Jane is about to confront her mother. Will she accept the new couple or reject them? Stay tuned to find out!**

 **And also, to those "guests" that ask specific questions, I cannot PM you with the answers unless you login and create an account. So please, join our little band of merry readers and writers so we can all get to know you! Until next time…happy reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**To the readers who compared Angela's remark to Olympia Dukakis's line in Moonstruck…Bravo! That's exactly as I saw it but with a little more enthusiasm, Angela being a little more high strung! You guys are the best! Thanks for getting me!**

Chapter 10

The house was completely quiet after Jane's impromptu admission, the only sound being both Jane and Maura's breathing. Time stood still for a second, both pairs of eyes finding one another.

Maura, completely taken off guard by Jane's profession of love, blinked rapidly as her wide golden green eyes began to fill with tears, her chin beginning to quiver slightly. Her breath hitched before she could stop it and the tears began to fall freely. She'd never dreamed that the detective would open up so quickly and so easily after so many years of denial and repression.

Jane saw it and immediately began to apologize and comfort her, pulling Maura close, her reaction completely unexpected.

"Oh, God, Maura!" She babbled into the top of the doctor's head, her arms engulfing her shaking body. "I'm sorry! That wasn't supposed to make you cry! I didn't mean to make you cry! That was supposed to make you happy!"

She calmed her own voice, speaking quietly, doing her best to soothe the doctor.

"Please don't cry."

She smoothed Maura's soft hair, both hands then finding their way to her back where she squeezed her gently.

"Please, Maur. Don't cry." She repeated softly, kissing the side of her head as Maura covered her face and snuggled into Jane's neck, her quiet sobs beginning. "You know how I hate it when you cry."

This was an absolutely true statement.

Jane could always handle certain types of tears. She was used to delivering bad news to the families of homicide victims, and while it obviously wasn't her favorite part of the job, it was something that she could identify with.

Death and loss made people cry.

She also understood tears associated with a shared event; an engagement, a wedding, a birth…even a pennant or a Super Bowl win, or loss for that matter, qualified for her own sparse tears.

However, tears that stemmed from emotional confrontations, confessions or even hormones, she wasn't sure how she should react. In those instances, there seemed to be no concrete reason for them. Sometimes, even tears that were shed by others during an overly dramatic movie left her floundering and uncomfortable.

In other words, Jane herself was not a cryer and most definitely not a _public_ cryer. But she was not an emotionless automaton either. When she did cry and her tears were deemed more serious, she preferred to do it alone and away from anyone who would judge them as a weakness or malign her emotions as too feminine and lesser.

While she did love being a woman and all that that entailed, minus the obvious physical changes her mind and body went through once a month, she hated how most men sometimes viewed women and their natural tendencies to be more emotional and in tune with their feelings.

She'd learned that lesson at an early age being the only girl on many all boy sports teams, teams of her own gender not proving to be as challenging or as competitive.

The detective had always been a physical force, even as an adolescent and teenager, using sports as an outlet to channel her underlying feelings of inadequacy and disappointment, fueling her desire to succeed.

Unfortunately, her own mother was a major contributor to those feelings. Being the oldest daughter in a somewhat traditional Italian family with two younger male siblings, she was automatically expected to live her life in a certain manner.

It was a manner in which Jane couldn't abide or entertain.

Her overbearing mother couldn't understand or reconcile why her eldest wouldn't even try. It had been a major source of contention between the two women for as long as Jane could remember.

Unbeknownst to her mother, Jane had wondered for years what could possibly bring them both together and end their constant bickering and head-butting and possibly bring them both a sense of peace and acceptance, or at the very least, a bit of tolerance.

Maura might be that catalyst and she had been right in front of Jane's own eyes for all these years.

And the doctor was correct, as usual. Jane did love her mother...but sometimes she didn't like her very much.

Most of the time, her mother didn't understand or support the choices she'd made in their life.

Jane had reacted accordingly. She'd always wanted to be the best she could be and do the best she could do and if that meant pushing her emotions away, aside or down, then so be it.

This was why she chose to be a police officer in the first place. Fitting _into_ and accelerating _at_ a profession that was male dominated was exactly what she wanted and exactly what she was good at. After all, she'd done it her whole life, her two younger brothers a testament to that fact.

And as a bonus, it was the opposite of what her mother wanted or expected her to do with her future, her own previous words to Maura ringing true.

Jane's own overt showing of emotion on this day had been an anomaly that she attributed to being overly tired, stressed and confused about where her future with the woman she was secretly in love with was heading. She had cried more today than she had in the past four years put together. Only after her own miscarriage had she been so emotional…and even then only with Maura and behind closed doors.

But in the end, tears were rarely an option for her.

She always rationalized that death was permanent, everything else was negotiable, every variable still up for discussion, the people involved still living and breathing, therefore all conclusions were never set in stone. And even those tears that were sometimes inevitable could be concealed, buried or, better yet, not shed at all.

However…

Maura's tears were different and they affected Jane deeply. They always had. She couldn't stand to see her best friend cry, especially if she had anything to do with the reason for her tears, either directly or inadvertently. She had unfortunately and regrettably in the past been the reason for them many times, her own impulsive actions moving her to disregard the people they affected and the consequences they left in their wake, Maura most of all.

She intended to remedy that right away, from now on putting the love of her life and the relationship that they now shared ahead of her need to be the best at everything and self-perceived protector of the world. She wanted to tell Maura this as soon as she could get her to stop crying.

Also now that they were in a newly minted romantic relationship, Maura's tears were paramount…stopping them, essential. Jane knew that Maura had no qualms about letting them flow.

From the moment they'd met and had quickly become fast friends, Jane had realized that Maura wasn't the slightest bit reluctant to cry, whenever or wherever the mood struck her, always tactful and mindful of her surrounding environment, of course.

Maura had explained that voluntary tears were a product of human evolution and even though other mammals shed tears for various reasons, the studies had shown that only humans were influenced by not only their environment, but also their emotions, as well.

Maura also said that crying was good for the body, relieving emotional stress and reducing the negative physical effects that _not_ crying can create, chastising Jane gently for always holding her own tears inside.

Jane remembered one such instance like it was yesterday, any of Maura's words of concern and the kind ways she used to back them up always sticking with her. Her timing was bad, but her own brand of comfort was always welcomed.

R&I R&I R&I

' _You are possibly contributing to cardiovascular disease and other stress related disorders, Jane. Add that to your poor diet and sleep schedule, or lack thereof, and you are giving me cause to worry about you…even more than I already do. I really wish you would stop thinking that tears make you appear weak.' Maura had chided gently after she'd seen Jane trying to blink back tears after an unusually hard case had finally been solved, walking with her up the stairs to her apartment, Jane carrying the paper bag containing the groceries that Maura had just purchased._

 _'It's a natural and healthy response to outside and internal stimuli. We have evolved to cry. It's going against your intrinsic human makeup to suppress your body's and brain's hard-wired inclinations to do so, you know.'_

 _The brunette had been silent during the entire car ride from the courthouse to the market and then to their final destination, Jane's place._

 _Next for the exhausted detective would come food, a shower and then sleep, all under Maura's stern and unwavering doctor's orders._

 _The detective had been working tirelessly for weeks, not sleeping or eating properly, the brutal and useless murder of a young teenager caught up in a domestic child custody case hitting her harder than most. She never understood the reasoning behind a parent killing their own child and then themselves to spite the former spouse, leaving all involved devastated and without answers or closure and an innocent life cut short pointlessly and by the very person they trusted and loved most._

 _This case, on the surface and in hindsight, seemed pretty open and shut. But the circumstances had been convoluted and unclear, the perpetrator sending the team on a wild goose chase, having them hunt down false leads that ultimately led to dead ends and forcing them to question some very unsavory and unreliable character witnesses that were also used as alibis._

 _These were the same witnesses that the perp had already informed beforehand of the crime that he was going to commit and paid each one a pittance to follow his plan._

 _The same witnesses that knew what was going to happen to the bright, innocent fourteen year old girl involved…and not one of them had reported anything to the police or anyone else._

 _In the end, it was Jane who had realized the elaborate ruse and cracked the case. But instead of feeling relieved and elated, another commendation in her jacket and another win for the "good guys", as Jane often referred to herself and the team, she felt empty, heartbroken and questioning her faith in her fellow human beings._

 _It was a pitiful consolation for the detective that each of those co-conspirators was now sitting in lockup on charges of murder, conspiracy to commit murder and obstruction of justice, each count ensuring that they would never see the light of day unless it filtered through iron bars and tall, razor-wire topped fences first._

 _The homicide detective had sat in the gallery as the defendants were officially charged, Maura by her side, her hand discreetly squeezing Jane's forearm as the indictments were handed down, one by one._

 _Jane knew that all murders were unnatural and abominable, but murdered children always left her particularly depressed and distant, even after the case was solved...this particular case more so since it had taken them so long to figure out that they were being played by the long dead father, the murderer figuratively thumbing his nose at them from the grave._

 _It galled her to no end, Jane taking the dig personally, the exceptional detective not used to being so easily and thoroughly bamboozled._

 _So she sat on her couch in her own apartment nursing a beer, the television on but unwatched as Maura prepared dinner behind her in the open kitchen, the doctor moving about in Jane's space, watching quietly for any signs of trouble or distress._

 _She had been preparing the meal since driving Jane home from the courthouse, stopping briefly at the market, the entire ride done in silence, Maura reaching over and holding Jane's hand, caressing the back of it with her thumb, with no protest from the unusually introspective detective._

 _To Maura's somber delight, each time she'd had to release Jane's hand while making a turn, when finished, the detective opened her own hand again and slid it towards Maura, silently requesting that the doctor take it once more, her sad dry eyes never leaving the passing scenery as she continued to stare aimlessly out of the passenger window._

 _The dinner Maura was now preparing was a complete, nutritious and hot meal, a simple meal that Jane hadn't eaten since the call came in for both of them weeks ago. Jane had been subsisting on coffee, stale donuts and the occasional protein bar that Maura herself insisted she eat, going so far as to stand in front of Jane while she ate it, making sure that she finished every crumb, knowing full well that the second she left the room, Jane would most likely toss the remainder of it in the trash._

 _Jane had even been refusing her mother's homemade dinners that the matriarch had periodically delivered to the station or to the brunette's apartment herself, the freezer of the small refrigerator now filled to capacity with her offerings, some even now in Maura's own freezer after it became clear that Jane wasn't going to be reheating them anytime soon._

 _Jane had also been getting only an average of three hours of sleep a night, contributing to her sunken eyes, complete with dark smudges under each. She had also lost weight, something that her tall slight frame could ill afford, her collar bones, cheeks and ribs beginning to protrude._

 _Maura had seen this firsthand when Jane had changed from her soiled shirt into the clean one that the doctor had brought to the detective at the station house and insisted that she change into after two days of not showering, Jane's mind completely focused on nothing else but solving the case. Maura had walked with her into the ladies restroom on the third floor expecting Jane to go into a stall, her modesty already well known to the doctor at this point in their friendship._

 _Instead, as soon as the door closed, she merely took off the dirty shirt, handing it to Maura and taking the fresh one from her hands, pulling it over her head and walking back out without saying a word._

 _That is when Maura truly knew the depth of Jane's vigilance and dedication to the case. And also how much weight she had lost. It worried her, knowing that her best friend wouldn't relent until the case was solved or she had to be hospitalized for exhaustion, dehydration or malnutrition, and quite possibly for all three._

 _Thankfully, none of that happened, but Maura herself was on the verge of relieving Jane of her duties if the case hadn't been put to rest soon after. Watching her best friend waste away in front her had opened her eyes to Jane's commitment to her job and the victims that made it necessary._

 _As the hearty homemade chicken soup simmered on the stove, Maura walked quietly into the living room, leaning her head over as she rounded the couch so as not to startle Jane, smiling slightly, finding her tired glistening eyes._

 _'Dinner will be ready soon.' She said sweetly, moving Jane's wavy black hair over her shoulder, touching the detective gently, squeezing her shoulder softly. 'Are you hungry?'_

 _Jane held up her beer._

 _'I'll have another one of these, please.' She said, emotionless, looking briefly up at Maura, blinking quickly and sniffling quietly, clearing her throat and then swallowing loudly, turning her attention back to the flatscreen._

 _The announcer's voice faintly registered to Maura, speaking of something called "deflategate", a word that she had never heard or read before. She chose not to ask Jane what it could possibly mean._

 _Maura smiled, reaching for the bottle._

 _Jane pulled it away, speaking to Maura but not addressing her directly._

 _'I'm not done with this one yet.' She said, sipping from the bottle to prove her point._

 _Maura stood up, her smile never wavering, dropping her hand._

 _'Maybe you should slow down? I mean, drinking so much on an empty stomach isn't good for you, Jane. Especially since you haven't been eating very well over these past few weeks?'_

 _Jane immediately looked at Maura, her eyes angry, the tears in them still not falling, her throat working to swallow the ache._

 _'Please, Maura.' She said quickly, but quietly, understanding that her best friend was just trying to help. 'Can you just get me a beer? I promise you I'll eat. I just really don't want to argue with you about it right now.'_

 _Maura smiled again, nodding, squeezing Jane's shoulder once more before backing away._

 _'Okay.'_

 _She walked to the fridge and took out another beer, using the opener that Jane had mounted into the wood above her trash can to pop the cap off of the fresh bottle, the sound momentarily piercing through the room, the top itself falling into the bag that lined the can with a clink._

 _She looked down at the bottle, smiling to herself, realizing that prior to knowing Jane, she would've never known that such a bottle opener even existed. Prior to knowing Jane, she never knew a lot of things existed._

 _Before bringing the much needed beer to her best friend, she stirred the soup once, covered it and turned the burner off, realizing that Jane would eat when she was ready and not when Maura wanted her to, knowing how easily the soup could be reheated should Jane suddenly desire food._

 _She walked the beer to the living room on bare feet, setting it onto the coffee table directly in front of Jane, sliding a coaster under the bottle. She reached out once again to touch Jane, running her hand through her hair, then settling it on her shoulder again, smiling and nodding before turning to walk back to the kitchen, giving Jane her space, planning on portioning out the soup into containers that Jane could reheat at her leisure._

 _Jane suddenly reached up and grabbed her wrist before she could walk away, her glassy eyes leaving the television and finding Maura's. She swallowed again, her effort to control her tears apparent but gallantly almost hidden._

 _'Please don't go, Maura.' She whispered, slowly looking back at the television as she squeezed her wrist gently. She then looked back up at Maura, finding her eyes immediately, releasing her wrist._

 _'Can you just sit with me for a while?'_

 _'I can.' Maura responded, smiling empathetically, moving to sit on the sofa next to Jane, her body a bit stiff, still not sure what was expected of her, but happy that her friend wanted her near._

 _Maura knew what she wanted to do, which was to touch her best friend, comforting her in the best way she knew how, but her own previous experiences with Jane hindered her natural responses, even after all the years that she and Jane had known one another._

 _She knew how guarded and sensitive Jane could be at times, prickly at best, untouchable almost always._

 _Jane suddenly took the apprehension and worry out of Maura's hands, setting her unfinished beer down next to the fresh one on the coffee table,_ sans _coaster, taking a deep breath and turning to find the hazel green eyes with her own wide deep coffee, blinking quickly, her throat bobbing as she swallowed the heartbreak._

 _Maura smiled, her eyes conveying the love and empathy she felt for Jane._

 _Jane looked down at Maura's hands, now folded primly in her lap, before she covered them with her own briefly, squeezing them softly, never looking up into the doctor's face. Savoring their warmth and subtle strength, she weighed her next actions carefully. Her resolve finally breaking, Jane made the decision to completely surrender once and for all to the safety and comfort that those hands represented and to the woman that they belonged to, allowing her best friend to briefly see all of her, the last three weeks taking their toll._

 _She slowly maneuvered her own body onto the sofa, laying her head on the doctor's lap, taking a deep breath, pulling her knees up, both of her own hands curling under her chin and closing her eyes._

 _Maura was briefly startled by this, but suddenly understood, her hands finding Jane's frail but still somehow powerful body._

 _As stunted as Maura was regarding social interaction, Jane was equally as stunted in the expected emotional interaction resulting from a traumatic event._

 _In other words, as much as she may have wanted to cry, Jane just couldn't. If she cried every time a case affected her, she would never stop or be able to do her job properly._

 _But she still needed the physical comfort that only Maura could give her...the comfort that she allowed only Maura to give her._

 _Maura smiled to herself, for once swallowing her own tears, feeling the need to be strong for Jane. She moved her hand onto Jane's shoulder, rubbing it softly, then moved it gently down Jane's back._

 _'It's okay, Jane.' She said quietly, caressing Jane's hair to the side, slowly moving her hand back to her shoulder, then back down her side to her hip, regarding the brave woman that now lay so vulnerable in her lap almost with awe. She'd never been exposed to such dedication, strength and frailty coexisting together in one human being before in her life._

 _'You're going to be okay.' She whispered to Jane, intending to comfort her friend, but realized that she was also using her words to not only console and soothe Jane, but herself, as well, suddenly relieved that she knew the brunette would now begin to recover and heal from this troubling and horrific case. Her mind would take a little longer than her body, but both eventually would be as good as new, Maura herself dedicating the next days and weeks to ensuring it._

 _Maura could feel the pent up tension and the emotions waiting to be released in Jane's body. She spoke softly, hoping to soothe Jane into relaxing somewhat._

 _'As much as I would like for you to cry to release all those bad toxins…' Maura smoothed Jane's hair off of her forehead, lovingly._

 _'…a wise person once said to me that sometimes crying is overrated.'_

 _Jane chuckled tiredly, eyes still closed, knowing that she had been the one that had told Maura that in the first place._

 _They stayed like this until Jane slowly succumbed to her fatigue, fighting it the whole way, finally falling asleep on Maura's lap. The doctor quietly pulled the light throw from the back of the sofa over the sleeping detective, herself leaning back, her hand constantly rubbing up and down Jane's side soothingly until she was sure that Jane was deeply asleep._

 _Satisfied, she carefully extricated herself from underneath the exhausted woman, replacing her lap quickly with a pillow from Jane's couch, standing stock still and holding her breath, hoping that she hadn't woken her best friend up so much that she couldn't fall back asleep immediately._

 _Sure that Jane was still asleep, she picked up the beer bottles and padded to the kitchen, emptying them both down the sink. She then quietly placed the entire pot of the now cold soup into the fridge on the bottom shelf, intending to portion it out the next morning before she left for work._

 _She returned to the living room, checking on Jane one last time before lowering the volume on the television then retiring to Jane's bedroom and her bed, leaving Jane where she lay, snoring lightly, blanket still pulled up to her chin._

 _Maura slept fitfully, not falling asleep completely until several hours later when Jane stumbled into the bedroom, sleepily shedding her slacks, tank and bra, pulling on a t-shirt, forgoing her usual sleep shorts, the fatigue superseding her modesty. She crawled into bed next to the doctor, groggily reaching for and finding Maura's hand under the cool sheets, intertwining their fingers._

 _Within minutes, Jane was breathing deeply again, exhaustion finally claiming her for good. Squeezing Jane's hand, Maura soon and willingly followed her into sleep._

 _As far as the doctor knew, not one tear was shed by Jane for the duration of the entire case._

R&I R&I R&I

Maura, once again buried her face into Jane's neck, her hands moving from her face and settling on her chest, her fingers pulling the detective's red button down loosely into her fists. For a brief moment, she was certain that Jane was going to take everything that she had just said back and break things off between them and when that didn't happen, she was so flooded with relief that her automatic response system took over.

She began to cry into Jane's chest, shaking her head slowly.

Jane was at a loss, her words were meant to solidify their relationship, not cause the woman she adored to break down into tears.

"Maura?" She said in between kissing her forehead and hair. "What's wrong? Did I say something I shouldn't have? I thought after all these years, you deserved to hear the truth."

Maura shook her head again, sniffling and moving back slightly so she could look up into Jane's concerned eyes, smiling through her tears.

"No, Jane." She said wetly, her mouth coated in thick saliva, a hallmark of crying. She swallowed once before continuing, smoothing her hand over the white tank above Jane's heart.

"I'm okay. I'm more than okay, actually." She laughed, embarrassed, her eyes and face the same shade of red. "I just wasn't expecting you to jump into this so quickly, that's all. It took me by surprise. _You_ took me by surprise."

She wiped the stray tears from her cheeks, Jane quickly reaching for the box of tissues that still sat on the island from the detective's own unusual tears earlier in the night. She pulled several out quickly, never quite breaking the embrace that she held Maura in, handing them to the sniffling CME.

Maura took them gratefully, dabbing at her eyes and nose, smiling, her embarrassment still evident in her shy actions.

Jane encircled Maura's body again but leaving enough space between them so that Maura could move in between her arms. She continued to kiss her forehead gently as the doctor blew her nose discreetly, speaking softly, her lips pressed against Maura's warm smooth skin.

"Should I have waited?" She asked in between forehead kisses. "I know we've been moving a little fast tonight after such a long slow start." Jane smiled into Maura's soft, clean smelling hair. "And that's my fault on both counts. I just…I don't know…"

She took a deep breath, feeling the need to explain her sudden urge for complete honesty after so many years of repressing and concealing everything.

"I just wanted you to know how I felt about you upfront and right away." She stammered. "Like…as soon as possible. I mean, so we could start this relationship out with a clean slate with no more secrets or hiding or covering up our feelings. You know? And yes, all those things were mostly all my own fault, _I_ know." She paused and pulled back so she could look into Maura's eyes that were still tearing.

Jane touched her own chest, tapping it lightly.

"After tonight, I just didn't want to feel like a liar anymore." She smiled slightly. "Because that's what it was beginning to feel like to me. Like I was constantly lying to you."

Maura wiped her nose once more before backing out of Jane's embrace, looking down briefly before finding Jane's eyes again.

She smiled, sniffling and licking her lips.

"I guess that makes both of us liars then." She laughed bitterly. "Because I haven't been exactly forthcoming with you either."

Jane snorted. "You can't lie, Maura. I know that. We _all_ know that." She took a deep breath. "Or, at least, not very well. This is all on me. Please let me own it."

Maura smiled up at the detective, enjoying her light mood and also her hands as they rested on her hips.

"Omission of the truth…" Maura began before Jane joined her.

"…is the same as lying." Jane finished with her.

"I know, Maur. I've heard you say that plenty of times." Jane said, taking the tissues from her hand and laying them on the countertop, encircling Maura's waist again, pulling her close, looking at her face lovingly.

She licked her lips, studying each of Maura's bright but slightly bloodshot eyes individually for a moment before dropping her focus to her lips, studying them just as fastidiously.

"How about we call it a draw then, huh?" Jane smiled and shrugged. "I lied. You omitted the truth. And after a lengthy, lengthy… _lengthy_ drawn out scientific experiment, we both came to the same conclusion."

Maura laughed heartily and reached up, once again settling her forefinger into the cleft in Jane's chin, her new favorite place on Jane's face. She'd been wanting to touch this particular spot for so long and now that she was able, she felt compelled.

"And what conclusion is that?" She asked, her eyes dropping to Jane's lips before returning to hold her dark twinkling eyes.

Jane reached up from Maura's hip and gently took her hand, kissing the finger that was resting on her chin.

"That we both have pretty sucky gay radar or whatever it's called." She laughed, kissing Maura's finger again, then her palm before releasing it and finding her hip once more, pulling her closer.

Maura laughed with Jane, reaching up and intertwining her own fingers together behind the detective's neck.

"I don't think that 'sucky' is a real word and I believe the colloquialism you are looking for is 'gaydar'." She smiled. "And speak for yourself, Detective. Mine works just fine."

Jane looked mockingly affronted.

"What are you saying, Doctor? That you've known I was possibly slightly gay all this time?" She said, her brow furrowed, lips pursed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Maura kissed her gently, soothing the hurt feelings, before releasing her lips, then finding her eyes again, speaking quietly and seriously to her new paramour.

"Because it wasn't my place to say anything, Jane. That's a subject that should be approached very carefully and with a light touch. Each individual is ready when they are ready. There is no rushing self realization." She smiled, knowing Jane very well. "And realistically, how would you have reacted if I had said something to you? Especially when I first suspected years ago? Before we knew each other as well as we do now?"

Jane leaned away from Maura's face so she could see her better, thinking about the questions she posed, her brow still furrowed in thought, her lips a thin line as she contemplated.

She smirked finally.

"Yeah, it's probably best that you didn't say anything. It probably wouldn't have gone over too well. I don't know if you are aware that I can sometimes be a bit defensive." She laughed, then speaking her next words as if she were Maura, mocking the doctor's serious tone when she's making a point.

"I'm really not known for my introspective thought processes and ability to think things through rationally before acting on my initial and sometimes uncontrollable impulses."

Maura narrowed her eyes and sighed at Jane, who laughed and pulled her into a tight hug that the honey blonde gladly accepted, returning it with a kiss to Jane's cheek.

"I think you are making fun of me…again." Maura laughed as Jane picked her up off of the kitchen floor and twirled her once before setting her back down gently on the floor.

"Maybe just a little." Jane chuckled, once again leaning back to look into Maura's eyes, her own narrowing much as Maura's had a few minutes ago. "So you...you've known this about me for years, huh?"

Maura corrected Jane.

"I _suspected_. I didn't _know_ until you told me earlier tonight."

Jane scratched her head, backing out of the embrace, then leaned over onto the island again, propped up on her elbows.

"Jeez…Frost knew. _You_ knew." She sighed loudly, covering her eyes with her hands.

Maura smiled once again at Jane's dramatics, seeing Angela's influence on her only daughter.

"Well, Frost and I are directly influenced by our own personal experiences, Jane." She said quietly, but with conviction. "His mother is a lesbian and I'm bisexual…so…in retrospect, doesn't it seem likely that we would both be more open minded and therefore able to recognize certain behaviors reflected in you that were familiar to both of us?"

Jane snorted again. "I guess. If you say so."

"You sound like you are having a hard time reconciling that, Jane. That we both knew about you." Maura said, smiling, standing next to the tall brunette, her hand finding its way under her soft unruly hair, lightly scratching her shoulders. "Did you think you were hiding it that well?"

"I _am_ having a hard time! And _yes_! I thought I was hiding everything!" Jane said into her palms. "I'm a detective, dammit! I'm supposed to be observant and shit! Even about my own behavior! _Especially_ about my own behavior! How did you both figure this out?! Have I been that obvious?"

Jane took a deep breath, moving her hands under her chin. "Next you'll be telling me my mother knows, too!"

Maura's eyes widened behind the detective and she stopped scratching Jane's back, quickly picking up the teacup and emptying the cold tea down the drain, saying nothing, turning on the tap to wash the residue from the sink.

Jane stood and turned to Maura, who busied herself rinsing the teacup out, preparing it to be filled again with the fresh tea that she was about to make.

"Maura?" She asked, leaning back against the countertop, her eyes narrowed again, arms folded over her chest. "What's going on?"

When she didn't get a response she leaned over and pushed her finger into Maura's shoulder, a "Maura" punch, then returned to her previous position, arms folded across her chest.

"Maura." She insisted. "What's going on?"

Maura's shoulders slumped before she turned to face Jane, teacup in hand, eyes wide.

"Jane." She set the teacup down onto the saucer, crossing her own arms over her belly. "I promised I wouldn't say anything and I'm not going to break that confidence. So please don't ask me again."

"Oh, my _God_!" Jane said, throwing her hands up into the air and beginning to pace around the kitchen. "My _mother_ knows?! Are you _fucking_ kidding me?! You've _got_ to be fucking kidding me!"

This outburst was suddenly too much for Maura.

"Jane!" Maura's limit had finally been met. "That's _enough_! Your language tonight has been colorful and crass and extremely crude. I've been allowing it because you are going through a somewhat traumatic event, but that is _it_! Your pass has just expired!"

She stepped up into the detective's space, pointing her finger at Jane's breastbone, her eyes focused and fiery, causing Jane to lean slightly away from the doctor, eyes wide, mouth open in shock and disbelief, hands suddenly held up at her own chest.

"I am not going to stand here and listen to this anymore! So, let me be as honest with you as I can be right now! You are gay! I have known it for years! And _no_! I didn't know that Det. Frost suspected nor that he'd ever known that the entire station had been talking about us being a couple! He never said anything to me about it! He and I are not close enough to share such personal observations or assumptions about you…or even _us_ , for that matter! I didn't know whether or not you knew or _didn't_ know that the gossip was rampant and has been for a _very_ long time! Especially the first few years after I took over for Dr. Pike!"

Maura took a deep breath before continuing, her desire to clear her own conscious and the air between she and Jane foremost.

"I love you, Jane! I've been _in_ love with you for years! But as accomplished as you are as a detective, sometimes you are the _least_ observant person I know when it comes to your own life and the people you chose to share it with! Are you understanding me?! Am I being clear to you?!"

Jane nodded, swallowing, completely shocked at Maura's unexpected outburst.

Maura stepped away from a rattled Jane, her breathing rapid, her eyes still boring into the brunette's, but wanting to give Jane her space, understanding that even in her own anger, Jane didn't like to be physically challenged, though the detective hadn't made a move to push back at all.

Jane herself was stunned but wary, incredibly a story that she'd read in a grade school book flashing through her mind, the lesson meant to be a teaching tool.

' _Even a meek rabbit will fight when pushed into a corner.'_

She was beginning to understand that, contrary to her own previous assumptions, Maura was no rabbit. How she didn't realize that long ago eluded her at this moment in time, for obvious reasons. She quickly filed it away, intending to revisit and reevaluate her views about her best friend turned partner at a later date.

Maura took a deep cleansing breath, closing her eyes, regaining her composure and self control.

"I'm sorry, Jane." She said quietly, but sternly, opening her eyes. "I didn't mean to raise my voice. It's just that I've realized that sometimes you are extremely _sucky_ at shutting the fuck up and listening to me."

Jane stood shocked, open mouthed and breath held, watching Maura intently.

"Now, I'm going to make your mother another cup of tea and you are going to take it to her and you both are going to talk. Does that sound like something you could do right now?"

Jane nodded vigorously, her mouth snapping closed.

Maura smiled pleasantly as she lifted the tea kettle, moving it under the filtered tap and filling it once again, the previous process starting all over.

"Good. It'll be ready in a few minutes." She turned her back to Jane, turning on the gas burner again, placing the teapot over the flame.

They both remained quiet as Maura went about the task of brewing Angela another cup of tea.

Jane watched Maura closely, her mind replaying all of her recent words in her mind.

She then began to smile, the grin starting slowly, then overtaking her whole face. She reached out and pushed Maura's shoulder again softly.

Maura allowed the push, knowing that Jane used it often to diffuse emotional situations. She also secretly loved that Jane only did this with her.

"Hey…you just said you loved me."

Maura turned and looked up at Jane finding her twinkling eyes and toothy grin, her own smile slowly beginning.

"Yes, I did. And I do. More than human language can adequately convey." She said, softly. "And I have for years, Jane. I'm so glad that you've finally come to your senses and realized that you felt the same way. It was becoming increasingly hard to hide it, especially since the nightmares started again and you have been spending a lot of time in my bed."

She looked down, her fingers toying with the spoon that sat on the saucer. "And a lot of that time holding me in my bed. And after what happened last night, I'm not sure how much longer I could stay silent."

Jane's brow furrowed again, confusion swallowing the smile.

"What happened last night?"

Maura smiled, stepping into Jane's space, reaching up and touching Jane's chin again.

"You appeared to be having an erotic dream, punctuated at the end with what seemed to be a very powerful orgasm." She stepped closer to a now wide eyed detective. "And you moaned my name before you woke up."

Jane took a deep quick breath, standing board stiff, as Maura moved her hand from her chin to her chest, feeling her heartbeat begin to increase under her palm.

"What was I doing to you, Jane?" She asked, leaning in and kissing her briefly, rubbing her lips across the brunette's seductively, before whispering into her mouth. "What was I doing to you that made you come so hard?"

At that moment, the tea kettle began its loud piercing whistle, breaking the mood and thankfully for Jane, Maura smiled and backed away from her, letting the conversation drop. She turned back to the stove and began preparing Angela's tea once more, a slight smile on her face, leaving Jane to her own fevered thoughts.

Jane closed her eyes, letting out the breath quietly that she wasn't aware she'd been holding, swallowing once, her heart hammering, her arousal sparking to life once more.

 _'My God! This woman is truly going to be the death of me!'_ Jane thought as she opened her eyes and watched Maura silently, her eyes slowly moving from the back of her head down to her butt then to her strong, sculpted calves then slowly back up again, lingering on her toned backside once more.

' _But I am sure as shit gonna die happy!'_

 **To those that are waiting for the confrontation between Jane and her Mom, sorry! It's up next. I got lost in developing this backstory. I do love a good backstory, don't you? I just want everyone to understand that I have reason for everything. Stick with me.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry so lengthy, but I figured since it took so long in between posts, I'd reward your patience! Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. You know me...backstory is my friend! So drop me a line and let me know what you think!**

Chapter 11

"Now when you present this to your mother, take the lemon and squeeze it into the tea before you hand it to her." Maura explained to Jane enthusiastically as she poured the hot water into the cup, dropping the tea ball gently into the steaming liquid, holding the lemon wedge up for Jane to see clearly, then placing it delicately back onto the saucer next to the cup.

"Mmmhmm." Jane said offhandedly, nodding, ignoring Maura's exuberance, her returning arousal suddenly stifled once again at the mention of her mother.

"It'll make an impression. I do this every time I make your mother tea. She likes it and it gives her the chance to feel a part of the brewing process." Maura continued, undaunted, miming the squeezing of the lemon again for Jane, smiling sweetly. "Adding the lemon at the end allows the honey and the tea to bloom and marry before the citrus is added, essentially stopping the steeping process."

Jane stood watching Maura go through the motions of making the tea, her lips pursed, arms crossed over her belly, leaning once again against the counter, nodding for Maura's benefit only.

"I think you're doing this lemon thing more for you than for my mother. I know her, remember? She could care less about the _blooming_ process and the _marrying_ of the honey and tea." Jane exaggerated her last words, rolling her eyes and using her hands to illustrate her point, waving them around her head dramatically, before crossing them back over her stomach.

"She just likes the way it tastes. _And_ the fact that you're making it for her." Jane continued. " _And_ the fact that it costs ten times more than what she's used to buying for herself at Kroger. Stop spoiling her, Maura. You've done enough for her already."

Jane mimed a smile but not very well.

Maura saw this and understood that Jane was merely humoring her. She decided to let Jane's lack of enthusiasm go without reprisal, but still needing her to understand why she was attempting to impart this information to the tall irritated brunette.

"Jane." Maura said softly, turning to face her detective, leaving the tea to brew on its own for a moment, crossing her own arms across her chest. "I understand why you are so reticent to do this right now. Confrontations of a personal nature are not in your character nor in your makeup. Especially when it comes to your mother."

Jane took a deep breath, nodding. "Stating the obvious again, are we?"

Maura smirked.

"I know." Maura said, taking her own deep breath. "I get it." She reached out and touched Jane's forearm. "And I appreciate that you are doing this at my request and you think it's purely for my benefit. But it's not for me, Jane. Or even _us_ , for that matter. At least not initially. Do it just this once for your mother. Take this cup of tea over to her and think of it as an olive branch. As much as you don't want to hear it or admit it, you and your mother are very similar. Both very…"

Maura paused before choosing her next words.

Jane spoke up, narrowing her eyes.

"Careful, Maura."

"…strong-willed."

She stepped forward and placed both hands on Jane's forearms, looking up lovingly at the brunette, who turned her head away from Maura, her lips a thin line.

Jane wanted to hold onto her anger. She knew if she looked at Maura she would lose her edge. She needed this edge to get the jump on her mother…her mother, who had no right or real reason for being in Maura's kitchen tonight…this night of all nights. She intended to tell her mother this as soon as she got the chance.

What she most certainly _wasn't_ going to tell her mother, or even Maura for that matter, was had she _not_ interrupted them earlier, Jane had been perfectly willing to go as far as Maura wanted tonight, her own self-doubt and insecurities completely tucked away, her want and _need_ to be with Maura physically pushing her own inexperience down and her desires forward.

Having been given permission by the doctor herself, she now ached to touch Maura in her most hidden and sacred places, using her hands, her fingers, her mouth and…her tongue…wanting and needing to please and satisfy her future lover, even though she wasn't sure that she knew how, but willing to give each attempt her best effort.

But now, in this unwanted interim, all those familiar doubts and insecurities were creeping back in and Jane's anger at that prospect was keeping her warm.

She stood with her arms still folded over her chest, eyes focusing on the far wall and the original colorful painting of a Maasai Warrior's face and his stern unwavering gaze that hung there. She secretly loved this portrait and the intensity in the young man's eyes as he looked directly at anyone who looked at him. It was one of those paintings that the eyes will eerily follow you around a room.

At first, it was a bit disconcerting for Jane, feeling as though she was always being watched. It was not until after Maura told her the story of the proud nomadic tribe of indigenous African people who refused to be told how to live, regarding family and traditions above all else, did she start to take to the portrait and the men and women it represented. She felt a kinship with these people even though she'd never even knew they existed until she met Maura and first laid eyes on this painting. Or, more accurately, after the painting first laid eyes on her.

It was then that she realized there were at lot of things she never knew existed until she met Maura.

The doctor persisted, squeezing Jane's forearms and then attempting to pull them apart, requesting without words that Jane open her arms so that she could step into them. Sometimes, it was the only way she thought she could interact with Jane, physicality taking the place of language, actions over words.

However, she always wanted to give Jane the option to deny her if she chose to do so, Maura always respecting her decision.

Jane resisted, but only for a moment, before she uncrossed her arms with a loud sigh, knowing that she could never refuse Maura's request, even on her strongest day.

And especially not now, after so much had happened between them tonight.

But, she still didn't look down at her beloved, her own sense of independence working its way through her behavior, her anger toward her own mother lingering. She shoved her hands down into her pockets, corralling them, keeping them from instinctively finding Maura's calm warm body.

Her mind was now focused on the task ahead, namely confronting her mother about her observations of her and Maura's previous interactions and why she felt like _she_ had the right to storm out of the kitchen angry and affronted.

Jane felt that if anyone had any reason to be irritated and indignant, it should be Maura. After all, she had been the one waiting patiently for years for the moment that was so rudely and summarily interrupted by her mother…and in her own home no less. The detective felt the need to defend Maura's honor as well as her territory, even though her mother seemed to believe that she had just as much right to the kitchen as the doctor herself.

She also wanted to ask her mother about how long she'd known, or as Maura had stated earlier about her own observations, how long she'd _suspected_ that her only daughter was possibly a lesbian. And why she'd never said anything to her about those suspicions.

It would've made her own life a lot easier or, at the very least, given her food for thought and possibly a starting place for the realization to come on it's own and a lot sooner than tonight, saving both herself and Maura a lot of time, confusion and heartache…and most definitely many missed opportunities.

And yes, she was furious for herself, as well. She had finally let her guard down and allowed those feelings that she had been burying for so long to surface and be set free, her heart and mind on the same page for once, her mother squashing them before she even had the chance to explore them.

As much as she hated confrontations in general, she was secretly glad that Maura was pushing her into this particular one. Clearing the air may be just what the doctor ordered, no pun intended.

She stood still, looking away from the honey blonde, who was now standing directly in front of her, both hands resting lightly on her upper chest, toying with her collar again.

Once more, Jane resisted looking down at Maura, but pulled in a quiet lungful of her intoxicating scent, amazed that she was now allowed to do this any time she wanted.

Maura took another deep breath as well, leaning forward and smoothing her hands over the brunette's chest, feeling the ridges of her white tank under her fingertips, the warmth of Jane's body soothing under her palms. Jane's own scent added to her comfort.

She kissed Jane's larynx tenderly.

Jane swallowed once, her throat bobbing under Maura's soft lips.

Maura smiled, slowly moving her hands down Jane's chest, once again lightly dancing over her breasts, before she slid them through her arms, the detective's hands still in her pockets, and between the button down and the tank and around her waist, leaning her body weight completely over onto the detective.

Jane was very aware of Maura's breasts pressed against her own and the way their bodies seem to meld together perfectly. She tried to ignore it.

Maura kissed her strong jaw, Jane's head still facing away from her, moving her lips up to whisper into the tall brunette's ear, before kissing the lobe and the small delicate diamond that pierced it.

"Why are you so mad, Jane?" She asked quietly, kissing the lobe again, playfully pulling Jane closer into her. "You can't still be mad at me. Can you?"

She smiled, her eyes twinkling up at her new paramour, knowing deep down that even if Jane was mad, she would never stay that way for long.

The doctor also knew that that was a two-way street. Staying mad at Jane was impossible, as well. Especially following the huge blow up that she had been responsible for after the detective had shot her mob boss father, her best friend's well aimed bullet merely incapacitating him instead of killing him outright. Maura had held onto her anger for much longer than was necessary, and towards the end, she was more mad at herself than at Jane.

She had resigned herself after it was all over, vowing to never allow such a meaningless and almost disastrous fight and the holdout that followed to ever occur between she and Jane again. She was now ashamed that she'd let it happen in the first place.

She questioned Jane again.

"Hmm?" She kissed Jane's jaw once more, leaning back so she could gauge Jane's reaction. "Are you? Mad at me?"

Maura was pleased to see that the jaw she was kissing wasn't repeatedly clinching, always a sure sign of Jane's consternation. She knew that now she could push a little more. Had Jane been truly mad, she would've backed off.

She kissed Jane's throat again, jerkily and playfully pulling her closer again into her own body, leaning again onto the detective's body, laying her head on Jane's shoulder following her eyes and where they were focused.

"Can you please look at me?" She asked, smiling and nuzzling her forehead into the crook of Jane's neck. "And stop staring at Mejooli?"

Jane's face scrunched in confusion. She moved her eyes from side to side, enjoying the closeness of Maura's body against her own, but completely at a loss as to what she was talking about.

She tried to work it out in her mind for a brief moment before she gave in, realizing she truly had _no_ idea what Maura was talking about.

Leaning back against the counter, she moved her hands from her pockets and onto Maura's shoulders, nudging the doctor off of her body and looking into her eyes, confusion still clouding her own face.

"What?" She asked. "What are you talking about, Maura? _Who's_ your Julie?"

Maura, pleased with herself that she'd finally gotten Jane's attention, smiled sweetly again, a slight sense of amusement creeping into her face, her dimple evident, eyebrows raised.

"I'm talking about your anger...and towards whom it is focused right now." She said, moving her hands back onto Jane's upper chest. "Whether that be on myself or on someone else, namely Angela."

She paused before continuing, her smile lingering.

"And also about Mejooli."

Jane's brow furrowed deeper into confusion and her eyes flared slightly into anger.

"Look, Maura…" Jane said, licking her lips as she tried to focus the anger back towards her mother, but this new bit of information making it hard. "I'm really not interested in hearing about your past girlfriends or whatever. So whoever this Julie is and what she has to do with what's happening right now, I really don't care."

Maura quietly snorted laughter, finally understanding what Jane was saying and why.

She stepped out of Jane's embrace, placing her finger into Jane's cleft once more briefly before she turned back to the cup of tea, lifting the infuser up out of the steaming liquid, waiting for it to drain.

"Jane." Maura said, matter of factly, her back turned to the confused detective. "Do you really think now would be the best time for me to bring up any of my past lovers? Male _or_ female?"

The brunette immediately replied heatedly, her irritation reignited into a hot flame.

"No! I don't! So why did you?!" She yelled at Maura's back, pointing at the door, her raspy voice cracking as she explained. "I'm about to go confront my mother about something that I'd rather not right now and I'm going to do it carrying a cup of ridiculously expensive tea! The last thing I want to hear about is one of your exes!"

She took a loud deep breath.

"I'm sorry that I'm about to offend you with my language, but… _what_ the fuck, Maura?!"

Maura, unaffected, once again walked the tea ball to the sink, her hand held under it, keeping it from dripping onto the kitchen floor. She lowered it into the sink, dropping the whole thing in, knowing she wouldn't be needing it again tonight.

She turned to face a fuming Jane, her own jaw set, but not in anger. She was about to explain, her golden green eyes bright and clear.

"Why are you so angry, Jane?" She asked again quietly. "I know you are focusing it at me right now, but I suspect you are actually mad at your mother. I'm curious as to why. So tell me, please? Why are you so mad at her? And please don't tell me it's because she _barged_ in on us earlier. This goes much deeper than that. So why?"

Her direct question took Jane off guard. The calm way she asked it unsettled her, Maura's preternatural ability to almost read her mind throwing her off her game.

She stood wide eyed and silent.

Maura smiled, backing away and moving the teapot from the burner over to the sink, pouring the rest of the unused hot water from it, careful to avoid her stemware, and setting it back onto the trivet that sat on the island next to the stove ready for its next use. She took a deep breath and faced Jane again.

"Well?"

Jane looked away for a moment, her jaw beginning to clinch. She crossed her arms over her chest again, her mind a jumble of unwanted emotions, Maura's well-timed question forcing her to dissect and organize them in order to reply succinctly.

She was obviously mad at her mother for interrupting her and Maura earlier when things were beginning to finally develop, their union long overdue, but also just as mad because it appeared that she'd known about her own sexuality and never bothered to mention her suspicions.

She was also slightly angry that apparently Maura had known this, as well, and had never approached her in any way regarding that knowledge. And the fact that they had both possibly been discussing it between themselves for an undetermined amount of time without her knowing added to her aggravation.

But she also knew that Maura, through her own admission, had made a promise to her mother to not discuss this with Jane herself, the doctor always staying true to her word no matter the situation.

It was another quality that Jane loved about the doctor. She wouldn't ever betray a promised confidence unless it was a matter of life or death. And this certainly wasn't.

So now it seemed she was in a quandary. She couldn't be mad at her best friend for staying true to herself and it seemed petty now to be mad at her mother for doing something that she had no doubt been doing since she'd moved into the carriage house behind Maura's home, the honey blonde already stating that she'd never specifically told her that she couldn't use her kitchen whenever she chose to do so.

She was also still hanging onto the irritation that it was possible that her mother had known for a while, possibly years, that she was gay and had said nothing, but that hardly justified her recent outburst about Maura's past.

But she was angry and wanted to stay that way, if only to keep her mind clear when she confronted her mother about the events of the entire night. So she chose to channel her anger in the only way that Maura had allowed, the doctor bringing the subject up herself in the first place…namely, her ex.

"Jane?" Maura asked, seeing the detective vigorously and quietly trying to work things out in her mind.

The detective lashed out.

"Who is Julie and why did you feel the need to bring her up tonight, Maura?!" She said, her voice a study in controlled perceived resentment. "Am I about to be compared to someone I've never met or ever even heard of?! _What_?! Is she a hothead like me, too?! Did she sometimes curse and yell like I do?!"

She paused before continuing.

"Was she just as _strong-willed_?!"

Jane knew she was grasping at straws to maintain her anger, taking it out needlessly on the woman she loved, but not being able to stop herself, her past experiences with her own exes dictating her actions.

Her last significant relationship set this particular bar high. Maura knew nothing about how heated and ugly it had gotten, Jane making a conscious choice to spare her best friend all of the details and the emotional trauma that still lingered deep in her own psyche.

She and Casey had fought vehemently about his refusal to transfer his commission stateside, her own refusal to give up her career to follow him overseas and, ultimately, the rebuffing of his proposal, resulting in her sending the engagement ring back to him in the mail.

Then later, they fought once again about her own decision to keep their unplanned child, choosing to raise it with Maura and excluding him from the entire thing altogether.

The verbal exchanges had been brutal, the later e-mails and texts worse.

It had only gotten physical once, when he had made an unexpected and unwanted visit to her apartment, making one last ditch effort to sway Jane into seeing things his way. It had not gone well and the result was all Jane needed to convince her that the choices she had made had been the right ones.

During the heated exchange, Casey had slapped her across the face, causing her nose to bleed and sealing his fate.

He had known it immediately and no amount of apologizing or prostration was going to change Jane's mind. He had only given up after she had threatened to involve the police, calmly informing him as she'd angrily wiped the blood from her face, backing him up against the door, that a conviction of domestic assault would most definitely result in his Dishonorable Discharge from the military and possibly even a lengthy stay in the stockade.

She'd said all of this with her gun in hand, pointing it at the floor, cocked and ready, eyes locked with his, almost daring him to refuse.

She'd also informed him that if he didn't leave immediately, she was more than willing to press those charges…or worse.

He knew that Jane was a dead shot and if she chose to use her gun, she would not miss her target.

Casey, also knowing Jane's high ranking position in the BPD and her considerable connections, as well as how protective her friends and colleagues were of her, especially Dr. Isles, had never contacted her again.

Jane had told Maura only enough about the situation to keep her apprised and appeased.

If Maura had known how bad it had gotten, Jane suspected the doctor might have done something that may have jeopardized her career and quite possibly her own freedom had she been caught. Jane also absolutely knew enough about Maura to know that the doctor _wouldn't_ be caught and it would be something that both of them would have to live with forever. But it was something that Jane _would_ live with if she had to do so…as long as she could be with Maura.

Maura, on the other hand, had a deep sense of accountability and an almost ingrained respect for authority, the law and her own Hippocratic Oath. Her inability to lie was a testament to her innate disposition.

In other words, Maura wouldn't be able to live with herself.

So, to spare both of their lives, Jane had chosen to keep all of this information from her best friend. She may share it with her someday…but today was not that day.

In the end, it had all been moot, but at the time, the yelling had made her feel that at least she was being heard.

After all, she was Italian. Wasn't she supposed to yell to get her point across?

Yelling had always worked in the past to equalize the situation. Why should she stop now? So she didn't.

"You ask why I'm angry?! Why did _you_ bring _her_ up, Maura?!"

She stood waiting for Maura's rebuttal, breathing heavily, her eyes ablaze, ready to do battle, knowing full well that she would lose, since her argument had no valid merit, but ready to fight it out nonetheless.

Once again, another childhood fable popped into her mind.

' _A scorpion can't change its ways. It's in its nature to do what it does, even if that leads to its own downfall. Just ask the turtle_.'

She had always known she was the scorpion. She secretly prayed that Maura wasn't the turtle.

Jane waited, her breathing the only sound in the house.

Maura spoke quietly, watching Jane's display with hidden amusement, her own ability to read faces once again being begrudgingly utilized, knowing why the detective was being so obstinate. Jane wasn't the only one who was familiar with innate disposition. She refused to be baited.

"Him."

Jane was, once again, completely confused, her face and body reflecting it.

" _What_?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest again, leaning slightly into Maura's space. "What in the hell are you talking about, Maura?!"

"Him, Jane." Maura repeated, her eyes holding the brunette's. "Why am I bringing up _him_. Not _her_."

Jane looked around the kitchen trying to work out what Maura was saying, her confusion evident.

Maura saw this and moved closer to Jane, once again gently laying her hands on Jane's upper chest, smoothing the detective's red shirt unconsciously, wrinkles always bringing out her inner fashionista.

Jane's head quickly snapped backed as she looked down at Maura, who's eyes were shining with mirth, her mouth quirked with amusement, her dimple apparent again.

She saw Jane's questions and reached up and touched Jane's cleft once more before she could speak.

"Don't move and don't talk. Can you do that for me, please? Your mother's tea is getting cold again and I refuse to make another cup for her because of your stubbornness. I suspect I'm going to have to microwave this one as it is."

"Oh, the _horror_!" Jane deadpanned, still angry, but now also confused and curious.

Maura waited, eyes narrowed.

Jane nodded, eyes rolling.

"Thank you." Maura said quietly, forgiving Jane's sarcasm, kissing her chin softly before stepping away from the detective, walking on bare feet with purpose down the hall to her office, leaving Jane alone for a moment to reflect upon her recent behavior and relatively uncalled for aggression.

She looked around the kitchen, uncrossing her arms and leaning back onto her palms against the edge of the countertop, her eyes briefly focusing on the steaming cup of tea, the list that still lay open and unfinished, and then, once more on the portrait across the room.

She sighed loudly, internally berating herself.

"What are you looking at?" She asked the picture quietly, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Don't say it. I'm an idiot, I know. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't seem to stop arguing with her and pushing her away, can I? You look smart. What should I do?"

The fierce young man in the portrait stared back at her unflinchingly.

"Some help you are." Jane smirked.

Just then, Maura walked back into the room holding against her chest what appeared to be an oversized book, almost like a photo album, bound in black leather, soft sided and well weathered.

Jane quickly crossed her arms over her stomach again, looking briefly from Maura to the portrait and then back again.

Maura walked to the island, moved the list and the envelope aside and gently placed the book down onto it, looking up at Jane.

"Join me? I would like to show you something." She asked, once again briefly touching the yellow piece of paper that the list was written on. "And don't worry. We will be finishing this. I am deeply curious about its remaining contents. _Deeply_ curious."

Jane briefly thought of holding onto her anger, but her own curiosity and her respect for the doctor caused her to drop the façade. Maura never said or did anything without a purpose or meaning behind it so she felt compelled to see it through.

She nodded as she stepped to the island, uncrossing her arms, standing next to Maura, her eyes never leaving the petite woman, even though the doctor was looking down at the book, her hands resting open and palms down over the cover.

Jane studied her profile.

Maura looked up once more at Jane, finding her dark eyes.

She took a deep breath before she spoke, releasing it slowly.

"You know about Ian." She said, softly. "You know that I was involved with him. That I…loved him."

Jane interrupted, a quick twinge of jealousy twisting through her gut.

"You said he is the love of your life."

" _Was_ , Jane." Maura corrected, a slight smile playing across her face. "I said he _was_ the love of my life. That was before I met _you_. And then began to fall in love with _you_. Even after he appeared again and I leapt into his arms, it didn't take long for me to realize that he wasn't who I wanted anymore…wasn't who I needed. He doesn't even compare now. I'm not sure I knew what real love was until you. Everything up to this point was just…practice."

She paused before adding. "Please don't let my past interfere with our future, Jane. I'll give you the same courtesy."

Jane smiled sheepishly at Maura, immediately sorry for her interruption. Holding her eyes, she reached up and touched the doctor's face, blinking slowly once, her anger completely gone now, embarrassment eating it whole.

"I'm sorry." Jane whispered. "Please go on."

Maura covered Jane's hand with her own, leaning into her palm, closing her eyes briefly, before she continued, turning back to the book.

Jane dropped her hand back to the countertop, but not before she moved a lock of Maura's hair behind her ear. Now that she knew what she knew about Maura's ears, she just wanted to see them, knowing also that one well placed fingertip could bring Maura's arousal raging to life.

It was a powerful feeling. She briefly wondered how many other people knew of this particular spot and what it did to the accomplished, smart, professional woman who stood next to her. She pushed those thoughts away quickly, knowing her propensity for jealousy when it came to Maura, the CME's last statement taking hold.

She tried to focus instead on the doctor and her words.

"Anyway, you also know about my time in Africa when I volunteered with _Medecins Sans Frontieres_. I've been very transparent with you about all of that. But I've never gone into detail about my time there and the people I treated and the indigenous people I met and relied on…and became friends with. People that…affected me. Touched me. Kept me safe."

She looked down at the book, caressing it once before opening it to a specific place, taking out a photo that was laying freely in between the pages, almost like a bookmark.

Jane noticed that all of the unlined pages that the photograph lay in between were covered from top to bottom in Maura's careful exact handwriting, the edges of the paper frayed a bit. She realized that this book was a journal, kept very carefully and very precisely as only Maura was apt to do.

Jane briefly wondered how many more of these journals Maura had in her office, where and when they were originally written and why Maura hadn't ever shared their existence with her. She felt privileged that she was doing so now.

Jane smiled, her eyes reflecting her gratitude even though Maura wasn't looking up at her to see it, her heart full of the woman she loved.

Maura looked at the photograph that she held in her hand, slowly smiling widely, as if she were remembering a shared funny moment, before handing it to Jane, who took it gingerly. It was a black and white picture that looked like it was taken from a camera not of this century and not developed until years later.

It was a photograph of a tall proud young man dressed in his tribal best holding a staff, surrounded by cattle, his feet bare on the parched ground of some far away place.

Jane looked at the photograph feeling somehow a sense of familiarity, her brow creasing as she tried to place this unknown man and where he fit into her modern life thousands of miles away from where he stood posing for this picture.

Maura saw this, smiling quietly at Jane as she studied it, the CME tilting her head to the side, thrilled that her new partner was seeing the resemblance, expecting nothing less from her brilliant detective.

She reached over and gently took the photograph out of Jane's hands and turned it over, revealing on the back edge, in her own handwriting, the name of the man on the opposite side, handing it back to Jane.

" _His_ name is Mejoolie." She said, looking up into Jane's eyes, her own twinkling, pointing to the painting on the opposite wall. "And that is his face that you are always talking to when you think I can't hear you."

R&I R&I R&I

"He was my interpreter." Maura explained, looking up at Jane, eyes wide.

She watched Jane as she studied the photograph again, the brunette still holding it the palm of her hand like she would hold an egg, careful not to damage it, somehow knowing that it was the only one in existence.

Jane then looked up at the portrait on the opposite wall, eyes squinting, then back at the picture.

She nodded, smiling.

"Now I see it." Jane said, gingerly handing the photograph back to Maura, who took it and looked at it once more before laying it carefully back into the book, closing it softly and running her hand over the cover, her eyes remaining on it. She took a deep breath.

Jane felt her doctor's mood change. The brunette hesitated before she spoke.

"He seems kind of young to be doing such dangerous work." Jane said, adding quickly. "I mean, he looks very formidable and all, but didn't you say that where you were working was in the middle of a war zone or something?"

Maura nodded, eyes still down. She sniffled quietly and that was Jane realized that she was crying.

"I was. We were." She said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand, Jane quickly handing her a tissue, the box being utilized more tonight than it had ever been.

She dabbed at her nose and eyes with it, swallowing once, her throat clogged with memories.

Jane reached out and touched Maura's shoulder, running her hand down her back softly, settling on her hip, staying quiet, waiting for the reason that she knew Maura had for revisiting this painful memory.

"He was twenty three years old when I met him." She began, looking up at Jane. "Or at least that's what he knew his age to be. His tribe is very transient and not connected to any one place. They don't keep written records like we do, so his age was estimated."

She laughed, looking back down at her journal, her hands now resting on its cover, the tissue she held forgotten.

"He didn't seem to care one way or the other. I liked that about him. Time really doesn't mean as much to the Maasai. It was refreshing. They only care about the sun coming up, the rains coming down and keeping their herds alive."

Maura looked up and smiled. Jane returned it, her eyes holding Maura's, her hand moving back up the doctor's spine, her fingers splaying at the nape of her neck and into the soft hair, her thumb settling behind the doctor's ear.

She gently rubbed as Maura spoke, feeling the tension in the muscles there.

"He was exceptional. We were thrown together because of situations that we both volunteered to put ourselves in, so we really had no reason to complain. So we didn't. Our initial contact was a little awkward, but we eventually became friends. Good friends. _Great_ friends. He liked my light eyes and I liked his bright smile."

Maura laughed through her tearing eyes.

"Our skin tones were so opposite that if we stood next to each other we looked like a photograph and its negative. We used to laugh at that."

Jane snickered, always enjoying Maura's descriptive use of the English language, her words immediately giving her mind's eye something to build upon.

"I remember sitting with him once after a long rotation, both of us exhausted, neither of us wanting to talk. We sat in the mess tent at a long picnic style table, our questionable meals sitting in front of us, our arms resting side by side."

Maura looked at at the portrait.

"He looked down at our arms and said to me in his distinctive Maasai accent…"

Maura mimicked it…

"My God, woman. You are very pale. I like it. No wonder that tall white man with the unusual accent is always following you around. I think he likes it, too."

Maura laughed, not realizing that even though her revelation was revealing and welcomed, it also carried unwanted baggage.

Jane understood this. Maura's social skills were evolving but they weren't quite evolved. She didn't yet understand that revealing bits about your past didn't always mean revealing the bits that could possibly hurt your present.

Jane laughed with her, her laugh infectious, feeling the underlying tension that Maura's story held, but enjoying her light mood nonetheless, another swift twinge of jealousy whipping through her mind. She did her best not to dwell on it, wanting only to comfort her new partner, not sure if that was what she needed right now, but always ready just in case.

Even though Maura was crying, she didn't seem to be sad, just melancholy.

Jane waited for her cue. Maura had been taking care of her for a very long time and now it was her turn to be there for her best friend, if necessary.

Maura suddenly realized her misstep and looked up at Jane, wide eyed.

"Oh, Jane!" She said, turning and grabbing the detective's biceps. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to inject Ian into this!"

She paused, before continuing. "I know how much you dislike him."

Jane smiled. "I don't dislike him."

Maura smirked, her eyes glistening but the tears waning, her hands still on Jane's arms, once again calling her out on her bullshit.

"Jane."

Jane took a deep breath and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, okay." She said, holding her hands up. "I do dislike him. But I think I have the right to feel that way, don't you?"

She leaned forward, bending at the knees so she could be on eye level with the doctor, her own hands finding the doctor's waist.

"He had your heart and he knew it. He took advantage of it." She took a deep breath. "He used you, Maura. He almost got you arrested and he fled before I could arrest him. You could've lost your license to practice medicine. Do you really think I could ever forgive his behavior and the way he treated you?"

Jane internally reflected on why she never told Maura about she and Casey's last interactions. She knew that Maura would've reacted the same way as she herself was reacting now concerning Ian. As it turned out, it seemed as though neither of them were ever very fond of the other's choices in men.

Maura looked down, then back up into Jane's coffee colored eyes.

"No, Jane." She said softly. "And I don't blame you for feeling the way you do towards him. I myself have since re-examined my past feelings for him, as well. I've come to the same conclusion."

Jane smiled, injecting some levity into the room.

"Really? And what conclusion is that, Maur? That he is a manipulative asshole?"

Maura narrowed her eyes briefly, considering chastising Jane for her profanity once again before smiling with her best friend, nodding.

"Yes." She laughed. "That conclusion."

Jane looked up at the ceiling standing up to her full height, holding her arms out, palms up.

" _Finally_! It's about time! Super Ian _finally_ falls from grace!"

Maura laughed and Jane joined her before the CME's sense of decorum returned and she reigned herself in, reaching out and touching Jane's forearm.

"Anyway, can we please forget about him so I can finish my story? I do have a reason for telling it, you know?" She smiled, her own laughter ebbing as she still enjoyed Jane's.

The sound of it always thrilled her, the deep rasp so familiar that she could identify it blindfolded from across a room _filled_ with people laughing, it's timbre and tone so distinct. Maura had heard it so many times that she could even distinguish Jane's general mood just by its strength and length.

Jane looked at Maura again, her eyes glinting, her thumbs playing over the doctor's hip bones, grabbing them and gently turning her from side to side.

"Yes, we _can_ forget about him! _Gladly_ , we can forget about him!"

Maura raised one eyebrow, her mouth quirked to the side, her own hands finding Jane's shoulders.

"Jane." She said quietly in her adult voice, attempting to gently regain control of the conversation, knowing how easily Jane could get caught up in her own sarcasm. "Enough, please?"

Jane continued, ignoring briefly Maura's tone.

"Tall, muscular, _masculine_ , overly-compensating-for-something Ian is sooooo forgotten!" She said, finding Maura's hazel green eyes with her wide dark brown, holding up her pinky finger. " _Was_ he overcompensating for something, Maura?"

Maura crossed her arms over her chest, tilting her head to one side, her eyes stern now, no longer entertaining Jane's ridicule, knowing and understanding why she was doing it, but not wanting to encourage it.

"Jane. Stop." Maura said, laying her hand onto the leather cover of her journal, attempting to get the conversation back on track. She did have a point, after all.

And she did want Jane to listen to it.

Jane saw Maura's stance and decided that she'd had her fun and realized she was dipping into the immature, but her disdain for Ian digging deep into something that she couldn't control.

She truly didn't like him and hadn't from the moment she'd met him.

"I'm sorry Maur." She smiled sheepishly. "I really am. But I'm only sorry for the way I've been acting towards you tonight."

She licked her lips, jutting her chin out in slight defiance.

"I'm not sorry that he's gone." She said, looking down briefly and then up into Maura's eyes, holding them intensely. "I'm not sorry that he left your life."

She paused again, realizing that she was about to move into territory from which she could never return.

"I never liked him." She paused and decided to come clean about everything, realizing that if tonight was the night of confessions, then she should do just that.

Confess.

If she was going to have to pay for her thoughts, then pay she would.

"And just so you know, I've never liked any of your boyfriends." Jane said quietly but defiantly. "Not a single one."

Maura's brow furrowed, but only for a moment before she realized what was happening. Jane was finally unburdening herself and if the gateway to her freedom was at the expense of the detective's perception of her past relationships, then so be it.

"I tried, Maura. I really did." She whispered, swallowing loudly, a slight apologetic smile briefly crossing her face but quickly chased away by her own truth.

She suddenly became emotional, her stern façade failing, her breathing increasing. She looked away and worried her lip, chewing the inside of it, attempting to get herself under control, determined to not cry again tonight, her chin quivering slightly.

Maura reached out and placed her hand once again on Jane's chest as she continued to speak, the detective's eyes filling with tears, Maura's warm touch breaking down her last defenses.

She found Maura's eyes again, so filled with love and compassion that it made her chest ache.

"Jane." She said softly, shaking her head, but the detective wouldn't be silenced.

"I _tried_ to be supportive and I wanted only the best for you. I _always_ want the best for you. But…"

Jane looked away, her eyes settling once again on the portrait of the young man, his unwavering gaze reaching into her soul, her breathing beginning to hitch as she tried to control the emotional avalanche that she suddenly knew was coming. The night, and everything that had happened during it, was catching up to her.

Her lack of sleep and the nightmares that contributed to it compounding her unwanted vulnerability. She was just so tired.

"Deep down…" She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the tears rolling slowly down her face. She shook her head, her contempt for appearing weak still pushing its way up, trying to stifle her words.

Maura gently placed her other hand on Jane's chest, moving to stand directly in front of the brunette, her own eyes filled with empathy as she witnessed Jane's distress.

Jane took another deep breath about to continue.

Maura quickly intervened, placing her hands on either side of Jane's face, her thumbs gently rubbing the tears away.

"Shhhhh." She whispered. "Shh, sweetheart. I know how you feel about them, Jane. I've always known. You don't have to do this."

Jane immediately disagreed, opening her eyes, finding Maura's.

"I _do_ , Maur!" She took a deep breath through her nose. "Yes, I do! I've been such a coward! I should've said something…did _something_! I should've told you how I _felt_ about you! How I felt about _them_! _God_ , all these _years_ …wasted!"

She repeated her earlier words, still unable to believe that she had been so blind and so stupid.

She wanted to touch her doctor, but felt like she shouldn't, her admissions about her disdain for her boyfriends dictating that she had no right, her arms still crossed over her chest. She was struggling.

Maura shook her head, realizing that she would allow Jane's emotional breakdown to only go so far, glad that she was opening up, but wanting to give her the latitude of understanding that what she was attempting to convey was being understood without having to completely lose face.

Jane was a very confident woman and Maura didn't want this to ever come back up again somewhere down the line and be a source of embarrassment or perceived weakness during some future argument.

Maura would never bring it up again, but Jane would know that it was already out there…a chink in the armor that she wore so proudly.

In other words, Maura understood what Jane was trying to say, but knew that if she actually said it, the detective wouldn't be able to take it back and she would possibly hate herself for saying it out loud in the first place.

So to keep her from confessing too much, she did the only thing she knew that would completely quiet her detective, take her mind off of it and convey that Maura understood what she was trying to say without her having to actually verbalize it.

Maura kissed her.

She moved her hands that were already on her face behind her head and pulled her forward and into her mouth and she kissed her…long and slow and deep.

Jane was surprised, but only momentarily. She reacted immediately, still not used to the fact that this could happen at any time. Maura kissing her was still too new. Her heart soared at the fact that it would be happening at all.

As she was being kissed, Jane's arms slowly uncrossed from her own chest and found their way around Maura's waist, pulling the honey blonde close, her hands slowly moving upward and settling in the nape of Maura's neck. She splayed her fingers wide and found her soft hair, pulling into gently her fists.

She understood what Maura was doing and why she was doing it and she fell a little more in love. The doctor was allowing her to keep her dignity…accepting her harsh words about her past lovers but not letting Jane delve too deep into how much she hated them, how she should've been more honest about her own feelings and how, now, knowing all of this, Maura just didn't care.

Jane smiled, turning her head into Maura's kiss, their tongues gently yet firmly fighting.

After a few moments, Maura pulled back slightly, her hands finding their way into Jane's unruly locks, their breathing rapid.

"Jane." She whispered into the detective's mouth. "Listen to me for a moment."

She kissed Jane again, softer and with less passion, trying to get this night back on track.

"Okay." Jane said, pulling back and nodding before kissing her once more quickly, waiting and knowing that this was the crux of Maura's reason for bringing out her journal and the picture of her friend.

Maura leaned back away from Jane, so she could look into her eyes, her hands moving from Jane's face down once again to her chest.

"I'm not trying to manipulate you, I promise." She spoke softly, but with authority. Her time for joking and kidding around was done. "I've done nothing tonight that I thought might influence you in any way."

Jane nodded, her brow furrowed, realizing that now was the time for seriousness.

Maura reached up and scratched her own neck unconsciously. Jane saw it, knowing what it meant.

"Well, that's not entirely true." She admitted, smiling slightly. "I did unfasten the top button on my dress hoping that you would react to it…"

She held up her hands quickly.

"…but I just needed more information, Jane! I thought that maybe after our conversation in the morgue earlier today that maybe you might be ready for…"

Jane interrupted her, gently grabbing her hands, pulling them into her own and up to her mouth, kissing them softly.

"It's okay, Maur. I know."

Jane also needed this night to move forward. She knew she was going to have to confront her mother about everything and she knew that she was not getting out of it, no matter how rattled the doctor might appear to be right now.

Jane knew she wouldn't stay that way for long. Maura was the coolest cucumber she'd ever met.

Jane also knew that she was ready for it to be over so that she could put all of this behind her and walk out of the back door to confront her mother and then open Maura's back door once it was done and walk back into their future together.

So, she spoke softly, still holding Maura's hands in her own.

"Tell me, Maura. Tell me about Mejoolie. Why is this here?" She asked, tapping softly the cover of the journal and then quickly moving her hand away from it, knowing that Maura had a reason for keeping this from her after all these years.

She hoped that now after tonight, she might share more of her past life, but respecting the book absolutely and the reason that it had been omitted, whatever that reason may be.

After all, Jane did have her own secrets to tell, even if they weren't as exciting or internationally intriguing as Maura's, her life provincial and blue collar.

What Jane didn't understand was that Maura _wanted_ to know everything about her detective, start to finish, her life as curious and intriguing as though she had lived it on another planet…completely foreign and different from the doctor's own.

And she was more than willing to share her own life's experiences with her new partner.

Their lives were so completely opposite yet so complex and in the end so complimentary that it appeared as if they were destined to meet and fall in love, the universe itself seemingly in accordance.

Neither saw this until just this moment.

Jane would call it preordained, her spiritual faith in the sublime confirming everything.

Maura leaned on her science, understanding that magnets and molecular makeup, atoms and electrons, never wavered…opposites attract.

Either way, it was clear. No matter how long it had taken them to get here, they were meant to be together.

R&I R&I R&I

"My point is, Jane…" Maura began, stepping slightly away from her detective. "…is that I don't know where he is now. He was my friend and I loved him. He protected me more times than I care to remember."

She trailed off, looking at his portrait again, swallowing loudly. "And from things I'd rather forget."

Jane's brow furrowed. She suddenly understood why Maura hadn't shared these journals with her. While they were probably filled with happy memories and daily entries ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary, they most likely also contained entries about events that Maura would rather never revisit, too painful or too disturbing to dwell upon.

Something about the way Maura said her last sentence didn't sit well with the detective.

"Maura?" She asked quietly, her hand leaving her hip and finding her shoulder, her eyes serious. "Did something happen to you over there?"

Maura quickly looked back to Jane, their eyes locking. She swallowed again.

"Oh, my God, Maura." Jane whispered, her eyes wide. "We're you… _assaulted_?"

Her stomach flip flopped.

Jane knew that in many developing countries during times of war and unrest, rape was sometimes used as a tool to break the oppressed and enslave the native people, both male and female. It was also used against foreigners who ventured into those countries as a warning.

Maura quickly replied, reaching up and taking Jane's hand from her shoulder holding it tightly.

"No, Jane! No!" She said, shaking her head vigorously. "I wasn't!"

She looked back at the portrait, speaking softly again. "But only because of Mejoolie. He stopped it before it could happen. He somehow knew that the two soldiers were just pretending to need my help, but instead they just wanted to…they lured me away from the compound. I was young…naïve…trusting...full of ideals."

Maura laughed nervously.

"He...rescued me."

Jane pulled Maura into a tight hug, her own eyes finding the portrait again, her body filled with relief. She smiled into Maura's hair, repeatedly kissing her forehead, before hugging her again.

"Thank God." She whispered into her hair, pulling in another lungful of the scent that belonged only to her beloved. Her hands moved slowly up and down Maura's body, almost as if she were checking that the woman she held was whole and unharmed, before they slowly stilled.

"Jesus, Maura." She whispered into her doctor's hairline, kissing her forehead once again.

Maura closed her eyes and let herself be held, reveling in the strong protective arms that now encircled her body, Jane's touch reassuring her...refilling her.

Jane could always do that...refill her. She somehow had that innate ability to know exactly what she needed and when.

They stood in each other's arms for a long while, Jane slightly rocking Maura back and forth, periodically kissing her softly.

Maura spoke first.

"He saved me, Jane." She whispered into Jane's neck. "He saved me from the unimaginable and I have no idea where he is. He could be dead. He is, most likely. The Maasai's average lifespan is only forty-two years."

Jane squeezed Maura tighter, kissing her cheek softly, smiling at the doctor's uncontrollable urge to spout her facts.

"I'm so sorry, Maura." She said, speaking quietly into her doctor's ear. "I didn't mean for this to come out tonight. I didn't mean for you to have to relive any of this."

Maura pulled away, finding Jane's eyes.

"How could you have known?" She asked, reaching up and touching Jane's chin again. "How could you _ever_ have known? I opened the door by bringing out my journal and introducing you to Mejooli. I said too much and you only did what you do so well. You...detected."

Jane clinched her jaw once before she tried to smile, her eyes studying each of Maura's individually, swimming in the green that now overtook the hazel.

"But, I didn't mean to do that, either." She admitted, her eyebrows raised.

Maura smiled, stepping out of Jane's embrace, but not before she smoothed her hands down Jane's chest again, stopping briefly above her heart, feeling it beating, reminding her of her reason for bringing all of this up.

She tried to pull herself back into this moment, Jane throwing her off with her own uncanny ability to read her own mind.

"You talk to him, Jane." She stated, moving away from the brunette, picking up the now lukewarm cup of tea and walking it towards the microwave, trying to put all of the bad memories behind her. "I hear you sometimes. I can't always make out what you're saying, but I hear you talking to him. Why do you do that?"

Jane watched Maura as she lifted the cup from its saucer and placed it gently into the microwave, closing the door and hitting the appropriate buttons, the appliance buzzing to life. She turned and leaned against the counter waiting for it to finish and also for Jane's reply.

Jane stared at Maura and then turned her eyes to the portrait and then back to Maura, unsure of what she should say. She knew that she did absolutely talk to the picture, but she had no idea why. She shook her head.

"I don't know." She finally said. "He just always seems like he's listening."

Maura smiled, nodding her head, her eyes filling with tears again.

"He always was."

Jane stood across from Maura trying to understand what all of this meant, ecstatic that she was sharing parts of her past, but confused as to why now and why this.

The microwave dinged behind Maura and she opened it, gingerly taking the now once again steaming cup from it. She placed it gently back onto the saucer, careful of the lemon wedge.

She walked the cup and saucer over to Jane, placing it on the island next to her beloved.

Jane watched all of this silently, once again knowing that Maura always had a reason for everything she did.

"Take this to your mother, Jane. She's always listening, too." Maura reached up and touched Jane's cheek. "And she's right there…less than twelve feet away from my back door. She loves you more than you can ever know. Talk to her. I wish I could talk to Mejoolie again. Thank him. Tell him how much I miss him."

"Thank him for saving me."

Jane smiled, understanding finally everything. She briefly questioned her next words, but decided that some jocularity was needed, the events of the last forty five minutes just too intense, her own sense of over the top humor pushing to the forefront.

"So, what you're saying is a Cinderella song?"

Maura looked up at her, eyes completely confused.

"I don't understand. How does a Charles Perrault story written in 1697 apply to tonight?"

Jane laughed and began singing the song from the eighties by the hair band, Cinderella, playing the air guitar, eyes closed, moving her head up and down.

"You don't know what you've got 'till its goooone!" She sang loudly, pointing at Maura. "Don't know what it is I did so wroooong!"

She closed her eyes, holding an imaginary microphone.

"Now I know what I got…its just this soooong!"

Maura shook her head.

"NO! Jane!" She said, holding up her hands. "No! Please stop! What is that?!"

Jane briefly mimed a guitar solo before she opened her eyes and looked at Maura, who stood stock still, eyes wide, waiting for Jane's explanation, knowing Jane's brand of humor, but not understanding a bit of it right now.

Jane laughed and walked up to Maura, encircling her waist, nudging Maura's arms around her shoulders and then slowly moving her away from the island, dancing with her slowly in a small circle.

She nuzzled Maura's neck, delighted that her doctor was indulging her by dancing around with her, but sure that she didn't understand anything that had just happened.

Jane kissed her neck lightly before she explained, still moving her in a slow circle.

"I get it, Maur." She said smiling, moving one hand up from Maura's waist to the base of her neck, her thumb and pinkie settling on either side of her neck, her remaining fingers pushing into her hair, cradling her head. "I need to appreciate my mother more. Cut her some slack. Stop ragging on her so much."

Maura nodded into Jane's shoulder, enjoying her soft touch.

"You should, Jane! She would _love_ that!"

Jane laughed, suddenly spinning Maura quickly and then dipping her, taking the honey blonde completely off guard.

She found her eyes as she held her, one hand under her waist, the other supporting her head.

"If I do this, will you stop riding me about how I don't give my mother enough credit or respect?"

Maura smiled, nodding, reaching up and touching Jane's face, one finger tracing her eyebrow, the other hand settling on her cheek, completely enamored with her detective's approach.

"It's all I've ever wanted, Jane."

Jane suddenly stood up, pulling Maura into her body, kissing the side of her face, before grabbing her shoulders, moving her away gently.

"Then hand me that stupid cup of microwaved tea!" She said "I am now on a mission!"

Maura laughed, stepping out of Jane's arms, picking up the saucer and cup, handing both to Jane as she stood waiting, hands out.

Jane took it and walked to the door, balancing it precariously as she thumbed the lock open. She looked back at Maura.

"Are you going to be here when I come back?"

Maura was confused, her eyes showing it.

"Of course, Jane. It's my house. I'm not going anywhere."

Jane shook her head.

"I know that, Maura. I mean will you be _here_? In the _kitchen_?"

Maura nodded, replying once again.

"I'm not going anywhere." She said again, smiling and then turning her attention to the sink and the tea ball, intending to clean it thoroughly before storing it away, already turning on the tap and beginning to rinse out the wine glass that she'd left there earlier.

Jane nodded, twisting open the doorknob but not pulling the door inward.

"Maura."

The doctor looked up, smiling, her hands working to open the tea infuser.

"I love you." Jane said, smiling weakly.

Maura smiled, turning off the tap.

"I love you, too."

She looked down into the sink, feeling suddenly shy but curious. She heard Jane pulling the door open.

"Jane!" She said, looking up.

The detective looked quickly back a Maura, brows furrowed, concern shadowing her face, still balancing the teacup.

"If your mother hadn't interrupted us…" She asked shyly. "…how far would you have gone tonight? With this? With us, I mean?"

Jane smiled, understanding immediately the question that Maura wasn't asking.

She found Maura's eyes, her own shyness and inexperience threatening to quash her response. She fought through it, wanting and needing the doctor to understand everything and how far she had come since this whole thing began.

"Six buttons and a belt buckle."

Jane smiled and opened the door and stepped through it, closing it softly behind her, leaving Maura wide-eyed and beaming, her mind filled with the provocative thoughts of things to come.

 **No excuses. I just sometimes love writing these two. Drop me a review. Your thoughts do mean so much to me.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry so long in between updates, my dear sweet loyal readers. My muse has been playing hide and seek with me. She finally spoke quietly in my ear…enough at least for me to move my story forward.**

Chapter 12

Jane stood outside of her mother's door, cup of tea in hand, ear to the door comically, listening quietly.

She was hoping that maybe her mother had made her own tea and had since gone to sleep, the impromptu conversation between she and Maura taking more time than anticipated.

Jane closed her eyes, sending up a secret silent prayer, knowing that this would all have to be addressed sooner rather than later, but hoping that tonight would not be that night. She knew that there had been a bit of a time break between her mother's entrance, exit and where Jane herself stood right now, ear to the door, breathing softly.

Jane had thought that for a moment it might go on and on and on…and on. Which was perfectly fine with her. She was in no hurry. Confronting her mother could wait. Confronting her mother could _always_ wait.

And Maura _could_ talk, ironically being too _wordy_ often her own undoing. Jane knew this. However, tonight she welcomed it, eager to hear the voice of her future lover. Sometimes, less _wasn't_ more. Sometimes, more was just enough. In fact, sometimes, more was _perfect_.

And as much as Jane herself wanted this particular confrontation over and done with, she wouldn't have dreamed of interrupting her doctor while she had been spontaneously giving her a glimpse into her past.

Any nugget gleaned from Maura's life should be polished like a precious jewel, placed carefully in a velvet bag and put away in a safe place for later reflection, not impatiently disregarded in favor of her own unintended relegated agenda.

Why would she want to interrupt Maura tonight? To confront her _mother_?!

Granted, Jane herself had interrupted the doctor before…too many times to count, actually. She'd also tuned her out completely often, once again, too many times to count, the droning on of arbitrary facts and unwanted information sometimes too much for the detective. But even then, she still loved the sound of the CME's sweet, straight forward, tranquil voice, usually so filled with enthusiasm and confidence, ironically welcomed anytime.

Sometimes all Jane wanted to do was sit and listen to it, her actual words secondary, especially if those words meant nothing to her and the information she was imparting muddy and useless…not only to her case but also, and more often than not, to her everyday life.

How many times had she sat through the "reddish-brown stain is just a reddish-brown stain until proven otherwise" lecture anyway or had to ruminate on the fact that "the resveratrol in red wine is good for cardiac health"?

Countless times, to say the least…in both instances.

And Jane really didn't like red wine too much anyway. It usually gave her a headache.

Tonight, however, she had been gifted with a dream…Maura's sweet voice and words that she could use at a later date to get to know her future lover better, pulling those little jewels out randomly with white gloved hands and examining their beauty further.

Tonight, the doctor had let her peek into her past and for that she was grateful…and completely surprised and delighted.

She could confront her mother anytime and had done so on a daily basis her entire adulthood and for most of her adolescence, as well. So why should tonight be any different? Maybe that's why she hated confrontations so much, in general.

Jane suddenly had an epiphany. It appeared that she'd been conditioned her whole life to hate them.

Her mother seemed to love confrontations. In fact, she seemed to thrive on them.

So, it was understandable why Jane wasn't in any hurry to walk into this showdown if there was a chance that she could put it off for a little while longer.

Of course, she'd never confronted her mother about this _particular_ subject, but it had waited most of her life. What were a few more hours…or days, for that matter? She and Maura were both off tomorrow and only on call the next. She just wanted to be with her doctor, now more than ever, spending every moment that she could with her new…partner, girlfriend, lover?

What were they to each other now anyway?

All of these thoughts darted through Jane's mind, all fighting with Maura's own words, still encouraging her to follow through and just get this over with so they could move on to the next phase of their relationship, whatever that may be, with a clean slate, the air clear between all three of them.

Jane knew that Maura didn't want to have to chose between her mother and herself. She would, if Jane asked her, but she'd rather not have to. Jane would rather that not happen either. Maura loved Angela and vice versa, their chosen family bonds as strong as any blood could be.

The brunette weighed her options, hoping that her present situation would make the choice easy. If her mother was asleep…well, then…walking away could be justified…right?

Jane held her breath, leaning in again, still not hearing anything behind her mother's apartment door. She smiled and let it out slowly, stepping away, relieved that she just may be able to put this off until another night, her inner rationalizing procrastinator shaking her fist in victory.

Maura would've been disappointed.

Jane walked silently back toward Maura's back door, her small smile growing, shifting the tea from one hand to the other. If she hadn't been burdened with the fragile china, she might have skipped there.

Knowing that she would have to explain why she had returned so quickly and with the tea yet in hand, but giddy at the prospect of catching Maura off guard while she was possibly still washing the sparse dishes, she let her mind roam, explanations falling secondary to fantasy.

Jane was imagining how she would quietly enter the house, setting the teacup down and walking up behind the doctor while she stood bent over the dishwasher, her back to the door. She would be surprising Maura, sliding her hands around her hips, settling them on her pelvic bones, grasping them, gently but forcefully pulling the ME back into herself.

Maura might utter a quiet ' _Oh!_ ' before relaxing under Jane's hands, standing up and turning her head back toward the detective, maybe even pushing her backside into Jane's front as the detective pulled, her perfect delicate hands covering Jane's scarred ones, intertwining their fingers.

Jane would push her center up against Maura's firm ass, encouraged, pulling her back into herself more handily, her fingers gently moving up to the collar of her dress, pushing it aside. Then she would kiss the soft area where her shoulder met her neck, nipping at it lightly, possibly even leaving a mark of her own on the CME, discreetly claiming _her_ territory.

Then she would move her lips up to that sensitive ear, nuzzling her nose behind it, smelling her hair again, pulling its distinctive scent into her lungs once more. She would slide her tongue slowly out to trace its shell, hands languidly making their way up her supple yet muscular stomach to cup ample breasts through her dress and lacy black bra, kneading them, feeling the nipples harden under her palms, taking great pleasure in wrinkling the doctor's dress again.

Maybe Maura would reach around behind her and grab her butt, pulling Jane closer into herself with the same enthusiasm and passion that she had expressed earlier in the evening.

Then Jane would slowly undo the shiny buttons of her dress one at a time as she whispered breathlessly into that delicate ear what she wanted to do to her doctor, unfastening the belt and letting it drop to the floor with a clink, pulling her dress open completely and slipping her fingers inside Maura's...

Just then she heard a noise in her mother's apartment as she reached for the knob of Maura's back door, stopping her in her tracks. She looked up at the sky, squeezing her eyes shut in frustration, effectively bringing her fantasy to a screeching halt.

' _Dammit, Ma!_ ' She screamed in her mind, a quiet grunt of annoyance escaping before she could stop it.

"Shit." She whispered quietly, looking longingly at the door knob that was so close…and now, yet so far.

Jane knew that her integrity would win out here. As easy as it would be to lie to Maura and tell her that her mother had gone to bed, _Jane_ knew it would be a lie. She also knew that she wasn't built that way.

Intentional lying affected her also.

If Maura had an immediate physical reaction to deception, namely her hives, Jane had subtle psychological ones that would eventually manifest themselves later into physical tics.

The guilt alone would start to eat away at her appetite, her sleep, her concentration.

It wouldn't be until she started chewing her nails down to the quick on a regular basis, usually until they almost bled, that Maura would start to take notice.

Jane was no longer a nail biter, having been chastised by the honey blonde for putting her unwashed fingers in her mouth enough in the past to break herself of the habit.

If by some miracle Maura didn't realize, then when Jane started working on the skin around her nails would it be a dead giveaway…to both of them.

Once that started, she knew that Maura would know she'd lied long before the mental anguish alone flagged her behavior, forcing her to come clean before Maura had to ask.

This had all happened once before…once…but Jane vowed never again.

Because if it did, Maura would know…and she might not forgive her another time.

So, lying to Maura was an impossibility.

She took a deep angry breath and did her best to squelch the loud growl that threatened, her arousal completely smothered and done…most likely put away for the night. She turned and made her way back to the door, looking at her feet, the teacup shaking almost imperceptibly. She held it with both hands as she gathered herself, once more preparing for the confrontation to come, secretly satisfied that she was once again mad at her mother.

Thinking of Maura had dissolved her anger into lust, but now it was back and for that she was glad.

Reaching for the doorknob, she suddenly stopped herself before she turned it, realizing that now was the perfect time to make a point.

She took another deep breath, steadying the tea as well as her thoughts.

Then she knocked loudly.

R&I R&I R&I

"Ma! I know you're awake!" She yelled into the door, her knocking getting no response. "I can hear you moving around in there!"

Still no answer. Jane was shifting from being just angry into downright furious and she realized that, unknowingly, her mother was giving her the advantage. Jane always thought more clearly when she was thoroughly pissed off.

She leaned her weight over onto one foot, her free hand finding her hip. She growled at the door again.

"Ma! Don't make me have to go get my key!"

She had tried to open the door and found it locked, part of her happy that her mother was at least listening to her advice about keeping her door latched at all times, but another part angry that she couldn't get into her apartment without asking first.

The irony was completely lost on the detective.

She heard some shuffling footsteps and knew that her mother was still wearing the house slippers that she had gotten her for Christmas the previous year. Maura had helped her pick them out.

Her anger softened a bit, but only momentarily, because after her mother unlocked the door, she didn't open it.

The shuffling grew quieter as she walked away, waiting for Jane to open it herself.

Once more, Jane looked up at the sky, rolling her eyes, taking another deep breath, closing them as she prayed again silently.

' _Lord, I beg you. Please give me the strength to not kill this woman tonight.'_

She looked at the door again long and hard before she opened it, stepped through and, with some effort, managed to close again without slamming it behind her.

Her mother was moving around the open kitchen still in her housecoat, her hair still in a messy bun, avoiding Jane's eyes, her chin set and her lips pursed. She appeared to be cleaning, something Jane knew her mother did when she was upset.

Begrudgingly, Jane realized that she sometimes did this, too. After the final confrontation with Casey, she had completely re-organized her cabinets and pantry, going so far as to finally put down that contact paper on the shelves that she'd been avoiding doing since she'd moved into the apartment years before.

The detective took another deep breath, addressing her mother directly, tea still in hand.

"Do you see what I did there?" She asked, pointing to the door.

Angela ignored her.

" _Ma_? Ma!"

Angela looked up at her daughter, pausing mid scrub, lips still pursed.

"Did you see? I _knocked_."

Angela grunted, not missing a beat. "Well, _there's_ a first. You haven't done that since I moved in here. I guess I'm supposed to find your sarcasm amusing?" She asked, turning on the faucet and running the sponge she was holding under it. "What I find is that it's more _ironic_ than amusing, don't you? Asking me to do something that you _never_ do?"

Jane squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed them with her free hand, grimacing, knowing immediately that this was not going to be a quick conversation, feeling a slight headache beginning.

' _Maura's right. We are exactly the same. Strong-willed, my ass. Stubborn as hell is more like it!'_

"Here." She said, choosing to ignore her mother's question, instead proffering the tea to her awkwardly, her words clipped. "You said you couldn't sleep and wanted to make some tea…so…here. Tea."

Angela ignored Jane, scrubbing the already sparkling countertop with the sponge, the hair that had escaped from her bun framing her face haphazardly.

" _Ma_." Jane wined. "Will you just take it?"

She set the tea down on the countertop, stepping away from it, waiting to see how her mother was going to react.

"Oh, wait!" She said, quickly stepping forward and picking up the lemon, squeezing it dramatically into the liquid, before dropping it into the cup with a small splash, backing away, crossing her arms over her chest. " _There_. Bloomed and married."

Jane looked down at her feet, her own lips pursing.

Her mother watched this demonstration with amusement, a slight smile crossing her face, knowing now that Maura's hands were all over this entire thing, from Jane's being here in her apartment at this hour to the tea that she walked in with.

"Maura made it for you." Jane said, briefly looking up and then back down, confirming Angela's assumption.

She rinsed the sponge out, placing it in its holder next to the sink before washing her hands thoroughly, drying them on a dish towel slowly, watching for Jane's reaction to her next words.

"So…" Angela began. "Is that you and Maura now?"

Jane looked up at her mother, confused at her question and slightly uncomfortable with it, as well.

"What?" She asked, her brow furrowing. "What do you mean by that?"

" _Is_ that you and Maura now?" She asked again, folding the towel and hanging it on the handle of the oven, her eyes never leaving her daughter's. " _Bloomed_ and _married_?"

Jane scoffed, turning away from her mother, trying her best not to pace, her hand moving to her forehead, her thumb rubbing her temple, a headache definitely looming.

"What the hell does that mean, Ma?!" She asked, facing her again, opens her arms wide, palms to the ceiling. "What are you asking me?"

Angela picked up the tea, moving it in front of her, removing the lemon, tossing it into the trashcan and stirring the liquid slowly, using the spoon Maura had provided.

Momentarily, the spoon delicately hitting the inside of the cup was the only sound in the room.

"I'm _asking_ you how long you and Maura have been hiding this from me?" She asked, sipping the tea, a slight hint of anger tinting her words. Jane also recognized a hint of hurt, as well.

Jane looked at her mother, her own entire face a study in confusion, but most assuredly aware of what she was asking. She played dumb.

" _Hiding_ what?!"

"Jane, stop being difficult!" She said, her eyes narrowing. "You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about! How long have you and Maura been together?! And why have you been hiding it from me?!"

Jane suddenly understood why her mother had gotten so upset earlier in Maura's kitchen and had reacted the way she did. She actually thought that she and Maura had been a couple for a while and had truly been keeping it a secret from her. It would have been just like her mother to assume that Jane would be so devious and secretive.

It would have made Jane more mad if it wasn't so ridiculously hilarious.

She tried her best not to laugh out loud as she answered her mother's question with one of her own.

"Are you _serious_?! How long have we been _together_?! Is that what you're asking me?!" She shook her head incredulously and looked away. "Oh, I don't know how long we've been together, _Ma_! What time is it anyway?!" She looked at her watch, then back at her mother.

It was Angela's turn to be confused.

Jane did a quick calculation in her head.

"Forty-two minutes!" She said loudly, before adding. "Give or take! I mean I wasn't actually watching the clock when it happened, so…I'm going with forty-two minutes!"

"What are you saying to me, Janie?!" Angela asked, her anger evident. "And stop raising your voice!"

Jane turned around and walked away from her mother and into the open living room, needing to put some distance between them. She also needed room to pace. She turned back to face her mother as she began her route, arms gesturing wildly.

"I'm _saying_ , Ma, that you barged in on our _first_ kiss! I haven't been hiding anything from you!" She pointed at Maura's house and then to her own chest and then back again, gathering steam for her own questions. " _We_ haven't been hiding anything from you! Unlike _you_ who seems to have been hiding a lot from me! And for what seems like a very long time!"

Jane didn't think that now was the time to bring up the fact that it was also possible that both her mother and _Maura_ had been hiding a few things from her, as well. One unwanted confrontation at a time.

The detective continued.

"Is _that_ why you are so mad?!" Jane asked mockingly. "Because you think we've been hiding this from you?! Are you _shitting_ me?!"

She looked away from her mother, a small smile forming, unbelievably relieved. If that was the only reason she was upset, then this might not be as traumatic a meeting as she had first thought.

Angela set the cup of tea down on her counter, leaning over onto both palms, eyes still narrowed, ignoring Jane's implication.

"Watch your language, young lady! And that did _not_ look like any first kiss I've ever seen! You're tongue was practically choking her!"

Jane's blazing eyes snapped up to find Angela's, her embarrassment at being caught in such a compromising position by her mother barely registering, anger rising to the occasion.

"No!" She yelled, pointing at her mother. "No! We are not having this conversation! What Maura and I do together in our private lives is just that, Ma! New relationship or old relationship! It's _private!_ So butt out! You should never have seen any of that in the first place! If you knew how to knock, none of this would be happening now!"

Angela held her daughter's brown eyes with her own green.

"I'm just saying that if I'd come in a few minutes later, who knows what I woulda seen!"

Jane moved one step toward her mother, her finger still pointing. "Stop it, Ma! Just stop it! I _mean_ it! I'm not talking about this with you! You make it sound like I was doing something wrong! Everything that you witnessed tonight was mutual! You understand?! _Mutual_!"

She turned away from her mother, closing her eyes, tilting her head to the side. She took another deep breath. As much as she wanted to fight with her mother right now, Maura's sweet voice pushed through. She was almost about to lose her focus on why she was in her mother's home in the first place.

She was not going to let her mother bait her. This was about her and Maura…not her mother.

The doctor would be proud.

She turned back around slowly and opened her eyes, jaw clinching once, before she managed a closed mouth smile, too forced to be genuine. She intertwined her fingers together in front of her chest before she spoke, attempting to keep her voice level.

"Is that was this is about?" She asked, finding and holding her mother's eyes. "All of this…anger? You really think that we've been hiding this from you? Or more accurately, that _I've_ been hiding this from you?"

Angela was silent, her eyes boring into Jane's, her lips pursing, the tea forgotten.

Jane turned her head away, trying to hide the laugh that threatened. She couldn't believe that this was how this whole thing was turning toward her mother and how _she_ felt slighted, once again.

"Talk about irony." She said quietly to herself, shaking her head, flabbergasted at her mother's audacity. Her mother had been hiding things from her for what appeared to be years and yet _she_ felt slighted.

Jane took one more deep breath, cleansing her lungs and her mind. She came here expecting a confrontation and vowed that she would not leave her mother's apartment until they were square or estranged…one or the other.

Her plans had just changed.

Jane was ready for either outcome at this point. She loved her mother but she was in love with Maura.

Her future was about to trump her past.

She turned to face her mother, pointing to the cup of tea that she had sat on the counter and then abandoned.

"Are you done with that?"

Angela looked down at the tea, her brow once again furrowing in confusion. Jane was unusually cool, her tone completely neutral, her daughter's reactions alien. She was expecting Jane to explode in anger, defiance or, at the very least, embarrassment.

Angela was flummoxed.

Jane waited a beat, letting her question set in.

"Because if you're done, then I want to take the cup and saucer back to Maura. The spoon, too. She made this special just for you. I told you that already. But if you're not even going to drink it, then I'd really like to get it back to her." She pointed to her own chest. " _I'd_ like to get back to her."

She stepped toward the cup and saucer, her eyes never leaving her mother.

"I'm here because of her, just so you know." She said, trying to keep her voice civil and her point clear. " _Obviously_. She wants us to talk. Once again, obviously."

Jane snorted laughter, looking toward the door and Maura's house.

"She _always_ wants us to talk." She looked back at her mother. "And I want what she wants now. Because…" Jane took a deep breath looking up at the ceiling and then towards her mother again. "…I love her. I'm _in_ love with her and I have been for a long time. I think you may have known that already. And if you have a problem with that…"

She walked toward the door.

"…then it's your problem. Not mine and definitely _not_ Maura's. So please do not make any trouble for her."

She felt her emotions beginning to bubble to the surface again and she felt the uncontrollable urge to flee. Being seen as weak in front of Maura was new and unnerving. But being weak in front of her mother, almost impossible.

She pointed back at the teacup and saucer. "On second thought, can you wash those and return them to her? I have to get out of here. I never thought I'd feel this way about you."

Her eyes filled with tears, her chin quivering, her emotions coming to a head. She clinched her jaw once, then twice, trying desperately to get her focus back.

"You've always been my safe place, Ma. Maybe I took that for granted…that you'd always be in my corner. Even when we fought, I still felt like you had my back…my best interests at heart. I don't know what this is. Why you are acting this way towards me now? I thought you loved Maura. You always said she was like your second daughter. Are you really going to make this whole thing about you?"

She walked to the door and took one more deep breath, grasping the doorknob, looking back and finding her mother's eyes, holding them, a small smile forming, her eyes filled with love, the tears falling.

"As Maura ironically told me earlier tonight, the choice is yours. I've made mine. I love you, Ma. But this isn't about you. I came over here so that we could talk about _me_. After the initial shock wore off, I thought you'd be happy for me. Maybe you haven't had enough time to process what you saw. I can understand that. But I want you to know that I've finally found someone that matters to me. Someone I care about more than myself."

She paused, the tears falling freely now. She wiped them away angrily.

"Someone I'd kill and _die_ for, Ma. And since it seems like you've known that Maura feels the same way about me, I really thought you could be happy...for both of us."

Angela raised her hand to protest. "She promised me she wouldn't say…"

Jane interrupted her.

"She _didn't_! Maura didn't say anything. I _am_ a good detective, ya know. And if I had any inkling that you'd been speculating, you just confirmed it for me anyway." Jane said, softly, holding her hand up to her mother.

"You could've said something to me. Maybe long before this, huh?" She shook her head, looking away, biting her lip, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"I've got to get out of here. I'm sorry. Good night, Ma."

She said it with such finality that it scared Angela.

Jane turned the doorknob, pulling the door inward, stepping out of her mother's house and possibly her mother's life…maybe forever.

She had no regrets. All she could think about was Maura and how badly she missed her and how badly she wanted to touch her and how badly she wanted to kiss her again.

But mostly, she thought about how she just wanted Maura to hold her, those strong comforting arms encircling her body and pulling her close. She was finally allowing herself to be vulnerable for once in her life. She finally found someone that she trusted enough to let see that side of her.

Jane wanted to crawl into Maura's arms and let her doctor comfort her, soothe her…heal her.

A part of her was elated that her mother had reacted exactly as she knew she would, making everything about herself, making her own decision a little easier. A part of her mourned the loss of the relationship she had with her mother, as dysfunctional and sometimes co-dependent as it was.

Mostly, she just felt free…finally. She walked out of the door and closed it behind her, moving with purpose back to Maura's house, leaving one life and moving into another.

Angela stood in her kitchen, looking at the door that Jane had just walked out of. She closed her eyes, understanding that now was the moment she knew had been coming since Jane had reached puberty. She also knew that she only wanted the best for her children, Jane in particular, her boys usually finding their own way.

She ran a shaking hand through her frazzled hair, her fingers getting caught in the barrette she'd forgotten she'd clipped there earlier. She jerked it out, tossing it angrily onto the countertop, her hair falling free. She needed to make a decision and quickly before she lost her only daughter and with her, Maura, as well.

She knew now who the doctor's priority would be and rightfully so.

She gently pounded her fist on the countertop, closing her eyes, realizing that she only had one choice. Putting her own discomfort aside for once, she ran to her door and opened it, hoping that Jane hadn't made into Maura's yet.

"Jane! Wait! Come back!"

Jane stopped, her hand on the doorknob of Maura's back door. She turned and looked at her mother.

"Janie." Angela whispered, her own eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry. For all of it. Please come back. Let's talk."

R&I R&I R&I

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say." Angela said, smiling slightly, looking at her eldest and then down at the cup of tea, moving it towards herself, feeling obligated to at least try and drink it, knowing how much effort Maura had put into making it for her. And also how much effort Jane had put into trying not to drop it while delivering it to her.

She took a deep breath.

She was terrified that she may have pushed Jane too far this time, but ecstatic that she had returned to her apartment to give her a chance to explain herself.

Jane stood across from her, the countertop in the open kitchen between them, looking down at her own hands, fingers intertwined, the door at her back, still only a few steps away if she needed to make a quick exit.

She took her own deep breath, stepping closer to the counter, resting her hands on it, looking up at her mother. She swallowed once, her dry throat clicking in the quiet apartment, her eyes red rimmed and watery.

"I don't either, Ma."

Angela took a tentative sip of the now lukewarm tea, eyes on her daughter. Jane looked at her own hands.

"Maybe we could just try and start over, huh?" She set the tea down. "You know…from the beginning?"

Jane looked up at her mother, intertwining her fingers again, trying to stay in the moment, her mind desperately wanting to drift to Maura.

"What beginning?" She asked, her eyes finding her mother's. "The beginning of this whole thing when you walked in tonight and practically accused me of sexually assaulting Maura? Or the beginning when you had an idea about me and never said anything? 'Cause I'd like to start there, if you don't mind."

Angela took another deep breath, her lips a thin line as she realized the depth of Jane's anger, even though she was doing a good job of hiding it. She nodded, realizing that this was the time to come clean about everything.

"Janie…"

Jane interrupted immediately, speaking softly but firmly.

"Ma, enough with the 'Janie' alright? I'm a grown woman. I understand why you say it when you say it, and normally I don't mind, but I really don't want to hear that right now. Can we at least approach this conversation as adults?"

Angela smiled, nodding, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry…Jane." She cleared her throat, it closing a bit, tears threatening again. She knew this day would come eventually…the day her daughter finally realized who she was. She didn't expect it to coincide with the same day that she would also confess her love for her best friend.

She also never dreamed that she would also already love that same woman…as a daughter, of course.

She and Maura had shared several conversations in the recent past about Jane's unbelievable blindness and then later about Maura's open-eyed confession of love for her only daughter. The most recent seemed almost desperate, Maura almost at her wit's end. Apparently, Jane had been experiencing the nightmares again and seeking out Maura for solace and comfort, the doctor willing to give all that she could to her best friend, but all those nights of her holding her were beginning to build up.

Maura didn't know how much longer she could hold her tongue. She was in love with Jane and had been for a very long time.

Angela knew this whole thing was coming. It was unexpected only in its timing.

She remembered when Maura broached the subject for the first time.

R&I R&I R&I

" _Angela, I would like to speak frankly with you. May I?"_

 _"Of course, Maura. Always."_

 _Maura had walked around the island of her kitchen and set the portion of tiramisu that Angela had brought to their dinner for two in front of its maker, setting her own down before climbing up onto the barstool next to her best friend's mother._

 _Jane would've joined them had she not been at work combing through old files, her latest case taking up most of her free time, her dedication expected now._

 _It was this chance one on one time that she was getting with Angela that prompted her to broach the subject that had now begun to weigh heavily on her mind as of late._

 _Angela picked up the fork and slid the tines down into the firm yet soft dessert, moving it to her mouth, nodding before forking it in, careful not to inhale, the layer of cinnamon on top trouble if not managed properly._

 _Maura hesitated, picking up her own fork, but laying it back down on the cloth napkin again before using it._

 _Angela saw her uncertainty and put her own fork down, turning to face the honey blonde. She swallowed quickly before she spoke._

 _"Maura?_ " _She asked, touching the doctor's forearm. "Are you okay? You've been distracted all night. What's bothering you?"_

 _She sipped the wine that Maura had chosen for their meal, enjoying its deep blackberry notes. Had Maura been aware of Angela's discerning palate, she might've been more forthcoming in describing her wine choices._

 _Maura took a deep breath, smiling at her best friend's mother. She nodded, looking down at her lap, placing her hands there, as well._

 _Angela's brows creased in concern, knowing that the doctor was never one to be at a loss for words. She reached over and put her hand briefly on Maura's shoulder, running it down her arm before returning it to the countertop._

 _"Are you sure?"_

 _"I'm fine, Angela. Really." Maura took another deep breath. "However, I am having a bit of trouble reconciling my relationship with your daughter at the moment."_

 _Angela leaned in towards the doctor, confusion and curiosity fighting for dominance across her features._

 _"What do you mean? Has she done something to upset you? She_ can _be a handful sometimes. Just so you know, she gets that from her father." She paused before adding. "Obviously."_

 _Maura smiled, finding it amusing that Angela already assumed that it was Jane who had put her in this state and not something that Maura had done herself. She reached out and touched Angela's arm, the smile lingering._

" _I'm not upset, Angela. I'm just a bit confused right now, that's all." She added, feeling the need to defend her best friend in her absence. "And I wish you wouldn't always assume that it is something that Jane has done. I know that she does sometimes say and do things rashly and without thinking them through first, but it's just because she's passionate."_

 _"Hhhmf." Angela murmured, smiling with Maura. "Call her whatever you want, sweetie, if it makes you feel better. I've known her longer than you. I'll call her a handful."_

 _Maura smiled cordially and turned back to face the counter and the dessert that sat in front of her on it. She took another deep breath. She was suddenly reticent to voice her concerns about Jane and how her own feelings were beginning to interfere with the friendship they shared. She lifted her wine glass and took a healthy sip of the pinot noir._

 _Angela's maternal instinct took over. She couldn't bear to see her children hurting and she now considered Maura to be one of her own._

 _She smiled, studying Maura's profile as she drank the wine._

 _"I find it best to just spit it out."_

 _Maura quickly turned and looked at Angela, her brow furrowed, mouth still full. She picked up the stemware again and leaned over it, meaning to discreetly empty it back into the glass._

 _Angela saw this and stopped her, a giggle escaping._

 _"No, Maura! Not the wine, sweetie." She laughed, rubbing the doctor's arm, giving her time to swallow. "I meant, just say what you're thinking. Say what's got you so frazzled right now."_

 _Maura looked over at Angela, slightly embarrassed at her near faux pas, still wishing after all this time that she understood colloquialisms better. She swallowed the wine and sat the glass back down, a blush rushing up her neck._

 _Angela dismissed her embarrassment with a wave of her hand. "Just tell me what's going on, Maura. If it's not something that Jane's done, then what is it? It can't possibly be as bad as you think it is."_

 _Maura took another deep breath, resigned to telling Angela everything, since hiding it or lying about it was now an impossibility._

 _"I'm in love with your daughter."_

 _She blurted it out in her characteristic honesty, looking down again, then back up at Angela. She waited, trying to gauge her reaction. When none came she continued._

 _"I'm sorry if that upsets you. I certainly didn't expect it to happen nor am I anticipating that Jane will return my affections. But lately I'm finding it hard to ascertain where my friendly feelings end and my romantic ones begin. And it's becoming harder and harder to separate the two. I don't want to lose her friendship, Angela. She's the best friend that I've ever had…maybe my only friend. I'm scared that if she ever suspects, she'll push me away. I don't know what I'd do if that happened."_

 _She looked down again, taking a quick sip of wine, Angela unusually quiet. She looked back up, her throat closing in panic, suddenly realizing that she may have said too much._

 _She expected to see shock or anger or maybe a combination of both. Instead, Angela was looking at her with a slight smile, her eyes filled with a mixture of amusement and empathy._

 _"Is that what this is all about, Maura?" She asked, turning to completely face the doctor. "You think I'm going to be shocked by this news, don't you? Maybe even a little mad?"_

 _Maura nodded, completely taken off guard at how easily her thoughts had been dissected. "Aren't you?"_

 _Angela reached out and took Maura's hand. "I may be a lot of things, my sweet girl, but blind I am not."_

 _Maura looked down at their hands in confusion then once again back up, finding Angela's eyes._

 _"I'm sorry but I don't understand."_

 _Angela squeezed Maura's hand, shaking it slightly, leaning into her face, her slight amused smile slowly growing into a beaming grin. She whispered._

 _"I know, sweetheart." She reached up and touched Maura's face softly and then quickly returned her hand to her own lap. "I've known for some time. Jane is always telling me how you can just look at a criminal and see right through their lies. So can I."_

 _Maura flinched and Angela leaned forward again and grabbed both of her hands._

 _"No, no!" She said quietly, shaking her head. "I'm not saying you are a liar, Maura! Or a criminal! Please don't ever think that! That came out all wrong." She looked away and then back, her voice calm once again. "Besides, I know you really can't lie, can you?"_

 _Maura moved slightly away from Angela, unaware that Jane had ever shared that bit of information with anyone once she'd told her about her innate uncontrollable physical reaction to deception._

 _Angela gently pulled her back towards her, her empathetic smile returning. She took a deep breath._

 _"What I'm trying to tell you, dear sweet Maura, is I know how you feel about my Janie. I've known for years."_

 _Maura's brows scrunched in confusion and then anger. She looked up and found Angela's eyes, hazel holding green._

 _Before the doctor could protest, Angela gripped Maura's hands harder, pulling them into her own chest, between her breasts, holding them next to her heart._

 _"I know you are going to be mad at me for not saying anything sooner, aren't you?" She said quickly. "But please don't be. Okay? Give me a chance to explain?"_

 _Maura, unused to such honest maternal physical contact, but aching for it nonetheless, nodded, wide-eyed, her own anger disappearing instantly._

 _"Good." Angela said, bringing Maura's hands up to her mouth, kissing the back of each once quickly before squeezing them once more, releasing them and sitting upright again._

 _Maura had so many questions, the most important one she couldn't hold back._

 _"How? How did you know?" She focused on Angela, who took another sip of her wine. "How_ could _you know? I've been very private about my preferences. Jane is the only person I've ever told."_

 _She suddenly made a quick deduction but refused to believe that Jane would betray her trust, even when it came to her own family._

 _Angela saw Maura's confusion and smiled again, placing her wine down, quickly clarifying._

 _"No, Maura. Jane hasn't said anything to me about anything, okay? So please don't bust her chops." Angela laughed at Maura's facial expression. "I just see things now that I live here."_

 _Maura sat up straight, her eyes wide, but confusion dominating everything. Angela continued._

 _"You have…overnight guests sometimes." Angela explained, trying to be as delicate as she could. "I see them leave. I'm an early riser too, you know. And not all of them have been…of the male persuasion."_

 _Maura stiffened, surprised. She was unused to having her occasional dalliances observed, Jane's mother being a recent addition to her immediate living space._

 _Angela immediately reached out and grabbed the doctor's forearm before she could speak, squeezing it softly._

 _"It's none of my business, Maura. Please don't feel like you need to explain anything to me. And just so you know, I'm not as stuffy and…religious…as my daughter might've led you to believe." Angela said quietly. "Yes, I have my faith…but it doesn't rule my life. Especially, when it comes to my family. And I consider you part of my family now. A big part. Jane loves you…and so do I."_

 _She smiled, patting Maura's forearm, reassuring the honey blonde. "Besides, this new Pope…he gets it."_

 _Maura smiled, relief flooding her features. She didn't really feel like explaining her sexuality to her best friend's mother and she most certainly wasn't going to defend it either. If it came down to Angela having difficulty with her choice in bedroom partners, then Maura was perfectly prepared to do what she had to do to insure that her own life and happiness was paramount, even though it might've resulted in an uncomfortable situation that both she and Jane might have to work around._

 _She'd never been confused or ashamed of who she was. Her best friend's mother, whom she also considered a friend, wasn't going to change that._

 _"Thank you, Angela." She said, smiling. "I find that reassuring. And yes, I agree. Pope Francis does appear to be a progressive leader of the Catholic Church. He is a breath of fresh air."_

 _She looked down at her wine again, happy with Angela's confession but still unsure how she knew that her own feelings towards Jane were so easily recognized. She felt for sure that she had been doing her best to disguise them, bordering as close to deception as her own body would allow. She voiced her concern…in her usual direct manner._

 _"How did you know that I'm attracted to Jane?"_

 _Angela turned and leaned forward, moving once again into Maura's personal space, her eyes shining with glee. She reached up and cupped the doctor's face with both hands._

 _"Because it's written all over your face every time you look at her, my lovely."_

 _Maura tried to move away, eyes wide, shocked that she'd been so transparent._

 _Angela quickly moved her hands from Maura's face to her shoulders, holding her in place while she spoke again, realizing that she had hit a nerve and possibly hurt her adoptive daughter's feelings._

" _No, no, no…" Angela whispered, amusement quickly being replaced by love as she explained. "Maura...sweetheart. It's okay. All of this is okay."_

 _Maura stopped moving and looked down at her hands, confused and uncharacteristically ready for everything to be over. As much as she needed Angela to explain, she suddenly wanted to retreat into her own bedroom and reflect on all of the information that she had just been given…and all of the information she'd divulged._

 _"Can you look at me? Please?"_

 _Maura looked up, eyes wide, her lips a thin line._

 _Angela continued softly._

 _"Can I tell you something else?"_

 _Maura nodded._

 _"My Janie looks at you the same way, Maura." Angela confessed, her own eyes filling with happy tears. "Don't tell her, okay? Let that happen on its own. She has no idea. I promise I'll stay out of all of it. But…can you please promise me one thing?"_

 _She looked at Maura seriously and the doctor nodded, too stunned at the turn of this nights events to disagree. Everything was suddenly surreal._

 _"She'll be mad once she figures this out. She'll think we've been…talking behind her back. Are you ready to deal with that?"_

 _Maura nodded once again, her mind a hurricane of new information. Angela asked another question._

 _"Please don't tell her that I know, okay? When she's ready, she'll ask. Or demand is more like it."_

 _Angela leaned back and laughed._

 _"Hell! When she's ready, she'll find a way to make this all my fault! Jeez…a mother's guilt!"_

 _Maura laughed with Angela but not sure why she was doing it. She felt that she had no real mother, so the guilt incurred was nil._

 _Angela took a final deep cleansing breath, picking up the glass holding the exceptional wine that Maura had chosen for their dinner "date" and turned to face her daughter's best friend, speaking unintentionally eloquently before she sipped, summing up the entire night._

 _"You love my daughter. My daughter loves you. I love you both."_

 _She sipped the wine, looking over the rim of the glass._

 _"So...now we wait for her to realize what we both already know."_

 **Thank you all for encouraging me. I do love writing these two characters so much…obviously. And I do love your reviews…good or bad…as long as they are constructive. But asking me to change my writing style to suit how you want to read this story isn't going to happen. I don't want to lose readers, but I'm not going to rush my vision. It's fanfiction! I'm writing this because I didn't get what I wanted from the television series. If you are not getting what you want from my writing, then I respectfully ask you to please move on. Thank you for your reviews, but I'm writing for myself and for those that miss these two characters. Not for those that want this…or any good story for that matter…to be short and to the point. Once again, reviews are always welcome.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Jesus! This was supposed to be the year of me! Turns out that it has been the year of "Fuck me"! Sorry so long in between posts but my life is suddenly a hot mess. Not unmanageable…just completely and shockingly unforeseen. Forgive the rambling.**

Chapter 13

They stood looking at each other, both not willing to break eye contact for different reasons, holding steadfast, a true standoff if ever there was one.

Jane needed her mother to know that she was angry and serious and not backing down this time. She would demand answers if need be, not leaving until she was satisfied. And if she did leave _unsatisfied_ , she would be severing ties.

Angela needed her daughter to know that she was owning her past behavior and possibly unforgivable bad judgement, but hoping that she would be given the opportunity to explain herself to her eldest child, her reasons for everything somewhat justifiable.

Jane spoke first.

"So…I guess this is where we are." She held her mother's eyes, stepping a little closer to the counter that separated them, her hands still resting on it, fingers intertwined. She waited, momentarily uncharacteristically patient.

Incredibly, through all of her anger, questions and confusion, her mind still drifted to Maura.

Jane missed her. She wanted to be with her. She wanted to walk out of her mother's apartment and into Maura's arms.

She was just so overwhelmingly tired, both mentally and physically, the unsolved case and this whole new unexpected emotional windfall, whether good or bad, stacking up on her, adding to her exhaustion.

Now that she knew she had a safe haven in Maura, she wanted nothing more than to go to her. The detective reluctantly struggled to focus on the moment, trying her best to give her mother her full attention. She unconsciously looked down and discreetly back towards the door.

"Yes." Angela said, watching her daughter closely. "I guess this is where we are."

Angela nodded, smiling slightly, understanding. She'd seen this look before. She knew her daughter was doing her best to try and stay still.

She looked away, towards Maura's house, following Jane's lead, her smile growing almost into a grin, her eyes almost wistful.

Her next words took Jane completely by surprise. She spoke low, almost as if she were talking to herself.

"You were always so strong." She said quietly, shaking her head, looking back, waiting for Jane's eyes to find her own.

Jane looked back down at her own hands again, and then when her mother didn't continue, up.

"And _so_ sure of yourself. Even when you were a baby." She smiled. "Before Frankie and Tommy, when it was just us...you, me and your father…all three of us…our new little family…you always seemed to be so sure of _everything_."

She paused, gathering herself, taking a deep breath.

"And I was so scared to death. For you, for me…Frank was just starting out, getting his journeyman's license…he wasn't a real plumber yet."

Angela looked back toward Maura's house, her eyes distant, full of memories. She touched her lips briefly with her index finger before dropping her hand again. She swallowed discreetly, smiling to herself.

"Truth be told, I wasn't sure he was ever gonna be. He seemed like he was a little out of his element. In hindsight, I guess he was…considering what he did to the Dirty Robber's pipes."

Jane was suddenly rapt, her anger waning somewhat. She'd never heard her mother speak of their lives before her brothers were born. She barely remembered anything of that time, her concrete memories only really taking hold once Frankie came along, her sense of responsibility for her younger brother firmly planted, but her memories before him murky.

Angela took a deep breath, her eyes misty, fond recollections unavoidable. She looked back and found Jane's eyes.

"I would just be so scared to death sometimes, Janie…" She inhaled quietly. "Jane."

Angela corrected herself, remembering her daughter's earlier admonishment.

"I didn't know how we were going to make it. Sometimes…it was hard. We struggled. But from the moment you could walk, it was like you knew I was worried. Like you knew I needed you."

Angela looked down at her hands then back up into Jane's eyes. She smiled proudly as she explained.

"You'd toddle up to me in your diaper wearing that little red t-shirt with Burt and Ernie on it that your Aunt Carmelina gave you…and you'd touch my face and just smile, your big brown eyes looking so much like your father's…"

She looked away and spoke fondly.

"…and so sure of _everything_. Like you knew things I didn't…things I couldn't know. And when you started to talk…I knew you were special."

She laughed, looking back at Jane, memories floating behind her eyes.

"I knew that you were just waiting to grow up. Like you had things to say and do…and you were just waiting to get big enough to say and do them. I was just gonna be an obstacle. We _all_ were just gonna be obstacles."

Angela looked down at her hands and then back at Jane, leaning slightly over the counter, opening them up to Jane.

Jane looked at her mother's hands, knowing what she was asking, but not ready to give in just yet. She moved her own hands into her pockets, stepping slightly away from the counter and her mother. She saw the slight hurt flit briefly across her mother's face, but screwed her resolve up tight.

"Ma, I wanted to go back…but not that far back, okay?" She said, smiling sadly, realizing that since her father's death, her mother's memories of that time were the only ones left. She made a mental note to ask her about them again at some later date. However, she didn't want to get bogged down or lost in them now.

She knew how easily her mother could and would given the opportunity.

Jane needed her answers. She needed to get back to Maura before she got bored and went to bed…or worse, realized that she had made a horrible mistake and that she was too good to be wasting her time on a mere detective in the BPD.

Jane knew that Maura could have anyone she wanted…why she'd suddenly settled for her was still a mystery.

Jane's own doubts always nipped at the edges of her confidence, regardless of how many times Maura herself had reassured her. Even as friends, she'd felt intimidated sometimes by Maura's wealth and sophistication.

She'd done her best to hide it, playing everything off with her sarcasm.

But now, as her suitor, she wasn't sure how long she could wing it. She needed to spend as much time as she could with the doctor now, hoping to figure out how she could make this new coupling last.

So she prodded her mother along, the need and urgency slowly evolving into an ache to get back to her paramour. Being in her presence would surely keep her doubts at bay…at least for a while. It always did.

"Fast forward for me, please." Jane said, smiling a little more amenably, not wanting to hurt her mother's feelings but needing her to get to her point. "Can you?"

She didn't take her hands out her pockets, however, her own sense of hurt bubbling just below the surface. She fought gallantly to hide it.

"Okay."

Angela nodded, understanding Jane's impatience, smiling and moving her hands in front of herself, one hand over the other. She absentmindedly moved her right thumb over the webbing of her left. She looked down at them as she spoke.

"You were eleven, almost twelve…when I started to realize." Angela spoke softly, her eyes never leaving her hands. "When you were just about to become a woman."

Jane rolled her eyes and looked away but didn't speak or make a sound, knowing that she had started her period during that time but hated that her mother still referred to it as the time when she was "becoming a woman".

Jane knew wasn't "becoming" a woman. She wasn't _becoming_ anything. She was still an adolescent growing up, womanhood many years away. She didn't believe that beginning _menses_ was a signifier of impending mental maturity, just another physical step towards it…and one that could now result in her getting pregnant.

That was the one thing that Jane was petrified of "becoming". Because she knew it's consequences.

She'd seen her older cousin Antoinette fall into that nightmare as a result of "becoming a woman" too soon and she vowed to herself that she would avoid that fate at all costs, realizing immediately how one bad decision could ruin everything.

But her mother was right about one thing for sure.

Jane _did_ indeed know things, even at a young age.

One of those things was that boys were bad.

Not bad, in general…just bad for her. And the plans she had for her life. Her goals…her future…her happiness. She would not let the newly awakened and out of her control hormonal pitfall derail any of it.

Jane quickly spoke up, the irritation evident in her tone.

"Can we please just move past when I started my period, Ma?! Jeez, I know what a _momentous_ occasion that was for you, but not so much for me, okay?"

Jane looked away in embarrassment but continued, shaking her head, her lips a thin line.

"It meant confusion and pain and dirty underwear...and giant...and I do mean _giant_...Kotex pads and no more swimming in the summer…until Sofia Conti explained to me how tampons worked… _Sofia Conti_ , Ma! Sofia _fucking_ Conti!"

Jane looked back at her mother, her eyes angry, her mind unwillingly drifting back to the moment when a peripheral middle school acquaintance had slipped into her hand at recess the instructions that came inside every tampon box.

"I can't _believe_ that you didn't tell me about those. It would've saved me a lot of…" She trailed off, looking away again, biting her bottom lip, the memories harsh.

She looked back quickly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Anyway…so if you wonder why I'm always a little _weirded_ out about talking about that time in my life…now you know. I don't know what it has to do with what's happening now anyway. So can we just get past it?"

Jane looked away, her embarrassed pubescent memories swirling close to the surface. She gritted her teeth, her lips still a thin line. She reached up and ran her fingers through her hair, throwing it over her shoulder soundly, huffing loudly and recrossing her arms over her chest.

She focused on a point on the wall to her right, her jaw set, clinching. She began to chew her thumbnail absentmindedly before Maura's soft voice drifted into her mind and told her to stop.

Angela looked up from her hands. She was silent, her eyes full of love as she watched her daughter fidget.

"No, Jane, we can't." She finally said quietly. "We can't get past it. Because that's when I knew."

Jane looked at her mother, her brow crinkled in confusion, sighing loudly, anger tainting her here words.

"Knew _what_ , Ma? When you knew _what_?"

Angela leaned back and picked up the cup of tea, sipping it once before responding, placing it back on the saucer with a soft clink.

"That you were different."

R&I R&I R&I

"I remember looking out on the porch every day after you and your brothers got out of school, waiting for you all to get home." She said, looking at Jane. "Do you remember those days?"

Jane smiled and nodded, her dark eyes softening somewhat.

"Sure, Ma. Of course."

Even though Jane, Frankie and Tommy were all different ages, they all went to the same Catholic parochial school, which meant that all three were dismissed at the same time and were expected home accordingly. Once home, they were required to check in with their mother, do their homework and any chores assigned before any free time was allowed.

"Of course..." Angela echoed. "Do you also remember how you used to make me worry?"

Traditionally, since Jane was the oldest, and female, she was expected to take care of her brothers before herself, essentially becoming a surrogate mother to her male siblings, her wants and desires secondary.

Jane was having none of that, bucking convention from the very beginning.

"Maybe." Jane said, softly, finding her mother's eyes, her own filled with amusement.

While she did look out for her brothers, guiding and protecting them, ferociously at times, she never lost sight of her own goals and aspirations and refused to let herself be placed into any secondary role in her own life…to Angela's dismay and exasperation.

" _Maybe_ is right." Angela said, pursing her lips, noting Jane's amusement. "You did everything you could to drive me crazy." She laughed quietly, shaking her head. "You and your ideas. Always having to be so headstrong. Doing _everything_ your own way. You were a handful."

Jane shrugged but didn't speak, recalling her youth.

She tried out for the boy's teams…and made them. Jane stood up tall in her class photos, being above average height for her age never a reason to be ashamed. She exuded a confidence that even made adults, both male and female, stand back and take notice, sometimes to her mother's chagrin, leaving her no choice but to explain her daughter's over exuberance from time to time, blaming everything on Frank's side of the family.

And all of Jane's best friends were boys, similar interests always drawing them together.

Jane, too, was somewhat reckless and irresponsible from the time she realized she could hold her own, breaking her first bone early, falling out of a tree that she was challenged to climb because no one else could…or even better, dared.

It was a badge of honor for her younger brother, Frankie, and the kids from the neighborhood, all of them signing her cast with almost a sense of awe, her broken arm and her courage setting a standard for her siblings.

Frankie immediately identified with his older sister…Tommy slowly rebelled.

Jane was also a "rough-houser", her mother's own label, getting into her share of fights with boys, and a few girls, too, for various reasons, some of those reasons brought to Angela's attention from the school Principal himself, but most from those same neighborhood kids that had signed her cast years before, their jealousy at her eldest's abilities veiled, but still clear.

They were beginning on turn on Jane.

Jane didn't understand why things started to change as she grew older. She was still the same person she always had been, but now her sense of right and wrong began to grow into almost a calling. She only wanted to follow the mantra of one of her comic book heroes.

' _Truth, justice and the American way._ '

Jane was well known for standing up to the bullies in school, especially if they dared to threaten or harass her brothers, who were also slowly beginning to realize that their older sister was different.

Once again, Frankie identified with Jane. Tommy…not so much.

The male ego and all that it entailed was a mystery to Jane. She still, to this day, had no idea why Frankie followed in her footsteps and why Tommy did the exact opposite.

Regardless, through all of this early jockeying for attention, Jane stayed motivated. She knew she was meant for something.

She was meant to _do_ something…meant to _be_ something.

Jane _was_ ambitious, Angela was right about that for sure, realizing this from the beginning, a mother's instinct undeniable.

It was a standing subject of contention between the two Rizzoli females.

In short, Angela had her preconceived notions about how her first born daughter should behave from a very young age.

And Jane quickly did what she pleased, defying her mother's wishes from the very beginning, tossing all of her mother's cliche'd expectations that she had for her out of the window.

Jane did what she wanted, playing sports that she wasn't supposed to play, hanging around with boys instead of pretending she was a princess, being loud and raucous and not allowing herself to be easily placed into the box that her mother wanted to put her in…and she laughed the entire time.

Until…

Until...she "became a woman".

Then her secret feelings started to surface and become conscious thoughts that she could identify…and then start to bury.

That's when things changed for her. Her confidence lagged, her focus wavered…she suddenly lost her…swagger.

She started to realize that she was beginning to feel the same things that her best friends were feeling.

Her best _boy_ friends.

She was thirteen.

R&I R&I R&I

"You were thirteen."

Jane looked up from her hands, finding her mother's empathetic eyes.

"That's when I knew for sure."

Jane looked confused, but her keen instincts already knew what her mother was trying to explain. She still had to question.

"Knew _what_ , Ma?"

Angela smiled quietly at her daughter, her eldest, her pride and joy, her eyes filled with compassion and hard fought internal understanding.

"That you were different, my strong, sweet girl." She said, her eyes glinting with pride. "It took me a long time to come to terms with it, especially, years later, when your father started to take notice of…things."

Angela picked up the tea cup and gently emptied its contents unceremoniously into the sink, a quick twinge of regret for Maura's efforts flitting through her mind.

"What _things_ , Ma?" Jane asked, her patience with this entire night wearing thin, but her curiosity about when her "secret" began to show through growing, her own memories repressed about that time in her life. Once she began to understand that she was "different", she pushed that part of herself down deep.

Jane found her mother's eyes, holding them intently, almost challenging her, brows furrowed.

Angela held Jane's eyes, her own eyes filled with a mix of understanding, love and a parent's empathy, brows raised. She spoke quietly but firmly.

"That you liked…girls."

Jane inhaled quickly, looking down at her hands and then back up, embarrassment quickly being replaced by anger.

She shook her head.

" _How_?! How could you know? I never told anyone. I was careful. I tried to be normal. I _was_ normal!""

Angela smiled, setting the teacup into the sink, turning on the tap and softly filling it with warm water, her eyes never leaving Jane's.

"Remember the porch, Jane?"

Jane's eyes filled with confusion again, her patience with her mother's questions almost pushing her to bolt, her need for Maura tantamount. She voiced it immediately.

"Ma! What the _fuck_ are you talking about?! Why can't you just answer my question?! We aren't in the middle of one of your crazy…what are they called… _fanfiction_ stories where everything works out! I need you to tell me how you knew!"

Jane stood glaring at her mother, eyes wide, hands open, breathing heavily.

Angela smiled and turned off the tap, placing the spoon softly into the cup, careful not to chip Maura's expensive China.

"The porch, Jane. Our porch. Our _front_ porch." Angela explained, letting Jane's use of colorful language go, knowing how stressed she must be at the moment. "That's how I knew. That's when I saw you."

Jane still stood with her hands still open, eyes filled with confusion. She shook her head. Her tone combative.

"Saw me _what_?! Can you please enlighten me?! Jeez, I sat on that porch maybe a thousand times! Can you be more specific?!"

Angela remained calm, knowing that this was not only a major pivotal moment in her daughter's life, but in her own, as well. She needed to explain it properly, giving it the weight and sincerity that it deserved.

"Ma!"

Jane was adamant.

Angela spoke softly, but very firmly, hoping that her eldest would be honest with herself.

"Do you remember sitting on the porch steps with Anthony Scarpelli and Enzo Russo?"

Jane snorted unbelievably.

" _Duh_! Yeah, Ma! You know Tony and Enzo were my best friends! We used to sit on the porch after chores and flip cards and listen to my boom box! So what?! What the hell do they have to do with anything?!"

Angela smiled, remembering looking out and checking on her young daughter as she sat with her best friends, checking also to see that the two boys that she always hung out with weren't getting any "ideas" either.

They were all coming of age and Angela knew that the boys had been starting to notice that Jane was a girl. She still wasn't sure that Jane understood what that meant.

She fortuitously had been looking out of the living room window, checking on the kids when she begrudgingly realized that her oldest child didn't need her mother to fend off her friends and keep her safe from their immature and cumbersome advances.

She realized that Jane would always be able to take care of herself. She was proud.

Enzo had jokingly thrown his arm around Jane and made an off color comment about Jane's hair and how good it smelled.

And, unfortunately for Enzo, he crudely elaborated on how it would look spread out on a pillow underneath him.

Jane had quickly set him back on the right path, elbowing him hard in the ribs and pushing him off of her, leaving Enzo gasping for breath and silently letting Anthony know that he shouldn't even try anything like this in the future. Jane then stood up and kicked the pile of cards that they had been playing with down the steps.

She leaned over a coughing Enzo and said something that Angela couldn't hear and then snapped off her boom box, picking it up and heading for the front door.

Angela froze, knowing that she this was the moment that had changed her own life, the moment confirming that her firstborn wasn't going to follow any rule book and certainly wasn't going to let anyone tell her what to do or how to live…and that she wasn't going to take any shit from anyone… _ever_.

And she also knew that she was about to be caught spying on her daughter… _again_. Janie would be furious.

But before she turned and tiptoed quickly and quietly back to the kitchen, she saw Jane stop and heard her say something over her shoulder.

Angela had never spoke of this before to anyone. She wasn't sure that she would ever need to.

But as she watched Jane now, standing across from her, seeing her beautiful daughter, angry and hurting because of her own inability to speak up and be half as strong as the woman that had she had brought into this world, she knew she must be completely transparent from this moment forward.

The detective was almost beyond impatient. She began to fidget, picking at the loose skin on her middle finger.

" _Ma_! Dammit! Can you get to it, please?!"

Angela took a slight breath before speaking, knowing that her next question held some weight.

"Do you also remember...Angelina Messina?"

Jane took a quiet quick breath, but a breath that her mother heard as if it were broadcast through a loudspeaker.

It confirmed everything.

Jane looked quickly at the door again, but not with the intent of leaving. She looked at it guiltily, as if her thoughts about this person from her past could possibly harm her fresh new future.

Jane tried to play it off with her usual sarcasm. She huffed loudly and rolled her eyes, recovering clumsily.

"Have I suddenly forgotten everybody in our neighborhood? I've known her since we were kids! At least I did until she moved away." She said haughtily, crossing her arms over her chest again. "Ma! What does she have to do with anything?!"

Angela watched Jane with kind eyes filled with love and a bit of amusement. She was silent, waiting for Jane to settle.

The detective turned and looked at Maura's house again, shifting from one foot to the other impatiently.

Angela knew Jane was very close to fleeing the situation the she had been unwillingly put in. The matriarch didn't want that to happen. As much as Jane needed her answers, Angela was suddenly just as ready to give them. She loved her only daughter with her whole heart and didn't want this to get out of control.

She also loved Maura, as well, honestly feeling as though she were a second daughter and also a good friend.

Her initial shock at having walked in on her and Jane in their heated, passionate embrace was wearing off and she wanted Jane to know that she was okay with all of this evening's happenings, even though her previous reaction and outburst had seemed to indicate the contrary.

She was not used to seeing her eldest in that particular light, Jane being very private about that part of her life. She'd never even witnessed Jane kiss anyone romantically before, and even though she had inadvertently seen her in bed with Casey, they weren't doing anything more than sleeping at the time and they were both fully clothed.

Angela was actually ecstatic that both Jane and Maura had finally gotten what they both had been dancing around for years, namely each other. She wanted to be a part of this new life that Jane and Maura were about to embark upon, so she knew she had to handle this situation carefully. One wrong move and Jane would possibly end any chance she had at seeing her daughter happy…and possibly exclude her from her future grandchildren, if she and Maura decided to go that route.

Maura and Frost knew exactly how Angela felt, having tiptoed through the minefield that was Jane and her complicated emotions and stubborn pride all too often…both also having tiptoed there very recently.

"Jane." She finally spoke quietly. "If you want me to be honest with you, then you need to be honest with me…and also with yourself. Let's come clean together, okay? Let me confess when I began to notice your…differences, so I can explain my own actions. And you…can you at least let me know that I was on the right track…okay?"

Jane looked back toward her mother, eyes wide, a bit of anger still tinting her features.

"Why should I, Ma? Why _should_ I?"

Angela smiled softly.

"Because if you really want the answers to your questions, then you are going to have to work with me here. I know you're a little mad at me for not saying anything to you sooner about my suspicions…furious probably…"

Jane held her mother's eyes, incredulous. "Ya think, Ma?! A _little_ mad?! _Probably_ furious?!"

Angela held up her hands, hoping to clarify. "…but I need for you to understand why I did what I did. I want to explain. I _need_ to explain."

She took a deep breath, knowing that this was the moment that this entire night hinged upon. If Jane couldn't be honest with herself, then this conversation wasn't going to mean anything to either of them.

Angela leaned forward again, holding Jane's brown eyes with her own green.

"Can you do that, Jane? Can you let me explain? If not, then why are you even here? And don't be a smartass and say because Maura made you, okay?" She smiled. "We both know that even though she can get you do a lot of things you don't want to do, this is not one of those things that you would've been talked into. You're here because, deep down, you want to be."

For a brief moment, Jane felt the urge to hold onto her anger, but reluctantly realized that her mother was right. She did want to resolve this situation, one way or another, not only for herself but because she needed to start fresh with both her mother and Maura, knowing how fond they were of each other.

She didn't want to be the reason that they were estranged from one another.

Maura, incredibly, loved her mother and the sense of family that she gave to the brilliant but somewhat motherly challenged doctor. After all, she had two mothers, but neither really knew who she really was or even cared enough to invest the time to find out.

Her own mother did…and then some.

But Jane also had her own reason and it bordered on selfish, but now justifiable. She really needed to know how long her mother suspected that she was a lesbian, her own curiosity piqued.

Angela paused before adding, laughing softly. "And you want to be here if only to tell me again to _butt_ out of your love life once and for all."

Angela raised her eyebrows, eyes twinkling, hoping the moment of levity would break the tension that was building between them and also praying that Jane would give her one more chance.

Jane huffed, crossing her arms over her chest again, rolling her eyes. "Like you ever would."

Angela's eyes filled with tears, understanding that this was Jane's way of giving in, her chest filled with love for the strong, stubborn, beautiful woman that her daughter had become, wanting her to know that she was grateful for the opportunity that she was being given.

"I could try." She smiled as she walked around the counter, arms open wide. "If you'd let me."

Jane immediately knew where this was going. She grimaced, closed her eyes and leaned away from her mother, arms still folded across her chest.

"No _hugging_ , Ma!" She said, wrinkling her nose, as her mother wrapped her arms around the reluctant detective and pulled her in tight, shaking her playfully, kissing her cheek. " _Ma_! You're squeezing!"

"You bet I am!" Angela said, kissing Jane's cheek again wetly before releasing her. "Who knows when you'll let me do this again?!"

"Well, _stop_!" Jane exclaimed, wiping her palm across her face where her mother had just left a wet spot, then rubbing it on her pants dramatically. "And you're slobbering on me, too! Gross!"

Angela laughed loudly, feeling confident that now she and Jane could finally begin to share their lives as not just mother and daughter, but hopefully, also as friends.

She wanted to see Jane happy. It's all she ever wanted for her eldest…all she ever wanted for any of her children. Now, if all went well, she would get to do just that.

Angela reached up and smoothed Jane's hair off of her face and ran her palm down her cheek, cupping her chin.

"I love you, Jane."

Jane reached up and grabbed her hand, moving her head out of her mother's reach.

"Stop it, Ma!"

Angela allowed her daughter to push her away as she had most of her life, smiling, knowing things were about to change. She was ready to face her past…she was hoping that Jane was, as well.

Angela moved away from her daughter towards the refrigerator, opening it and taking out one of the beers that she kept inside, setting it on the counter in front of the detective. She opened a drawer and took out the opener that only Jane used and set it next to the unopened beer.

Jane's brow crinkled in confusion.

"What's this for?" She asked, stepping towards the counter, moving her hair off of her forehead again, pointing towards the beer. "It's late, Ma. I'm done drinking. I really just want to get back to Maura after, um…after we're done here."

Angela smiled and nodded.

"I know you're ready to go, Jane. You've been ready to go since you walked in here tonight." She leaned against the counter, titling her head towards the door.

"And you should be. Maura's been waiting for you for a very long time. But know this, sweetheart. She'll wait a little longer if it means you and I can hash this out. And she wants this…you and I, clearing this whole thing up. I want it, too."

Angela looked at her daughter and then at the door, smiling slightly.

"She's an incredible woman. I know that you know that. As are you." Angela looked back at Jane. "I hope that you know that, too. You deserve each other."

Angela smiled warmly.

"I know why you're here, Jane. And I know who sent you. I knew that from the moment you knocked on my door long before you walked in holding that cup of tea. I also know you would never do this on your own, but...I also know that after what happened tonight, you might've wanted to."

Angela looked away briefly before she leaned over to Jane and whispered softly, as if she were ashamed.

"I'm sorry, Janie…Jane. You have every right to be mad at me. But if you'll let me explain. I know you miss her and that you want to get back to her. You've already said so. But you've also said that she sent you over here to talk this out with me."

Jane took a deep breath and stood looking at the beer that her mother had proffered before her almost like a bribe.

"Okay." Jane said, pointing again at the beer that sat on the counter. "But why this?"

Angela took a deep breath, licking her lips.

"I thought you might want it. It's nice and cold. Just how you like it."

"Ma? What the fuck is going on? I don't need a beer."

Angela smiled softly, crossing her arms under her breasts, taking a deep breath before she spoke, eyeballing her eldest child slyly before she spoke again.

"Honey, we have things to discuss." She smiled empathetically. "Angelina Messina being first on the list."

Jane licked her lips, looking away from her mother, crossing her arms across her chest again, sighing heavily, secretly acknowledging that a list had gotten her into this mess in the first place.

She then reached over and pulled the bottle of beer towards her, picking up the opener.

 **Sorry, I haven't gotten our ladies back in the same room yet. It's not intentional, I promise. I honestly didn't mean for this to happen. I see how this plays out, but I have to be true to how my muse speaks to me. She's kinda being a shithead right now…elusive and mysterious. I hope y'all are still with me. I hope I can make it worth the wait. Thanks for hanging in there regardless.**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Half an hour later, Jane returned to Maura's house hopeful, expectant and slightly giddy, the taste of the last swallow of beer still fresh on her tongue. It was all she could do to keep herself from calling out to Maura immediately as she stepped through the back door, teacup, saucer and spoon in hand, her mother having washed and handed them to her with a sly smile, winking.

Jane had rolled her eyes at her mother's not so subtle insinuation.

However, the kitchen was empty, only the soffit above the sink lit, only a warm bright lamp illuminating the living room.

She peripherally noticed that her list had been refolded and replaced into its envelope and left on the island. She briefly wondered if Maura had read the rest of it before she put it away.

She was sure that she hadn't. Maura would never do that, instead waiting for Jane so that they could read it together. That was the deal, after all.

Maura had too much integrity to cheat.

Maura. _Her_ Maura. She was beside herself that she might actually be able and also allowed to call her that.

But as far as now and as far as Jane could see, Maura was gone.

Her heart dropped.

' _Fuck_!'

She thought, setting the saucer and its holdings quietly down on the island, careful to make sure it was safe.

She'd taken too long talking with her mother, hashing out her past, realizing during their long overdue conversation that maybe her mother wasn't the monster that she believed her to be, her explanations for her actions holding a lot of reason and unexpected merit.

Jane had left the carriage house feeling as if she were walking on air, most of her questions answered, her own self doubts somewhat put to bed and with other things on her mind. She now had not only her mother's blessing to pursue her relationship with Maura, but she also had her encouragement.

But she also had a stern warning, delivered as only her overly protective and inherently dramatic Italian mother could.

"Be good to her Jane." She'd said, leaning forward, her eyes wide, her words soft. "She loves you… _really_ loves you. I mean it. No questions asked and no reason needed. She just…loves you. Maura is Maura. I've never seen a more perfect example of unconditional love in my entire life…" She'd then snickered."…outside of mine, of course."

Jane had snorted, shaking her head. "Of course, Ma. No one knows unconditional love like _you_ do!"

Angela had slapped her forearm, rebuking her daughter's insolence, eyes hard but still shining.

"Stop it, Jane! Stop kidding around! Dammit, I _mean_ it!" She became serious, leaning forward again, holding the now freshly washed dishes out towards her daughter.

She dropped her voice, almost to a whisper, holding not only the china, but Jane's eyes, as well.

"You need to understand something."

She looked away towards Maura's house momentarily, sighing softly, her eyes filling with tears again, feeling the enormity of this night and how hard it had been for everyone to get here and how easily it could go from now on if her headstrong, unpredictable daughter could just accept everything…and just do as she asked.

She found Jane's eyes again.

"She'll do anything to make sure you're happy, sweetheart. Putting everything else second. _Everything_ , Jane. And everyone."

She looked again towards Maura's house again, then back to her first born.

"Will you do the same for her?" She paused, taking a deep dramatic breath, jabbing the china towards Jane. "She's worth it, you know?"

Jane watched her mother's one sided dance, refusing to get pulled in. She was ready to get back to her new?…old?...only?...perfect…love.

She wasn't sure how to label their new relationship. She decided to not even bother. She just knew she was ready to get back to it, whatever it was...and go from there.

Jane tipped the beer bottle up, emptying it's remaining contents in two deep swallows, setting it down on the counter with a resounding clink, hoping that she could appease her mother long enough to exit.

"You think I don't know this already, Ma?" She said, burping discreetly and laughing nervously, using her sarcasm. "I'm not stupid, ya know. Or crazy…"

Jane looked away briefly, laughing bitterly to herself.

"Maybe I have been a little _blind_ …"

Angela set the saucer down, her eyes never leaving Jane's.

"That's _not_ what I mean, Jane. I mean will you put _everything_ else second? Including this need to save the world and get yourself killed in the process?!"

Jane's sarcastic smile faltered.

Angela took a deep solemn breath, looking down and then up, her eyes filled with anger and resolve.

She spoke softly.

"I know you don't give two shits about throwing yourself into your job. It's your calling. I've known it for a very long time, Jane. I _know_ this, okay?! Understand? I _know_ it! And I'm proud of you for it, okay?!"

Jane looked to her mother's eyes, her own wide, her ears unsure of what she'd just heard.

" _Yes_ , Janie! I'm proud of you for that! I _hate_ it but I'm proud of you, alright?! I'm proud of you for almost getting yourself killed! Every time you do it, I want to lose my mind, but…I know why you do it, okay!? You're helping people! You're saving lives."

Angela took a deep breath, speaking softly but directly.

"I'm your mother. I want the best for you. But you scare me…you've always scared me. Your drive and passion has always, _always_ scared me, Jane. Even when you were a kid. You love your job and you love it's dangers. You love the rush of its unpredictability. You throw yourself into that, don't you?"

Jane didn't answer but nodded, seeing a side of her mother that she'd never witnessed before.

"I _also_ know that you don't see that sometimes you throw yourself into your job a little too much. And I also know that you don't think about the consequences of your impulsiveness."

Angela paused, thinking.

"Maybe now you should, okay?"

Angela looked away from Jane momentarily, taking another deep breath, swallowing loudly, her fear that Jane wouldn't understand her motive. She needed Jane to understand that she wanted only the best for her and Maura, her own desires relegated to secondary.

"Maura calls it passion. _I_ call it reckless. Especially, now."

She looked back and found Jane's wide confused eyes.

" _Jesus_ , sweetheart." Angela's voice rose. "Love of my life…my first born…my baby girl…stop putting yourself in the middle of things that could get you killed! I know that you never think about what you're doing when you do it…"

Angela looked away, covering her mouth, her free hand balling into a fist on the countertop. She took another deep breath, recovering quickly, sniffling quietly, knowing that Jane was easily embarrassed by raw emotions, especially coming from her mother.

She needed Jane to see this through. She lowered her voice, regaining control.

"And I'm not just saying this as your mother, okay?" She clarified. "Not anymore."

Angela looked away again.

Jane fidgeted, understanding why her mother was so upset. She knew that she had put herself into situations where her life was in imminent danger countless times, consequences be damned.

Her mother suddenly spoke softly.

"If you are going to do this with Maura...and I think you should...it's long overdue...then you need to think about someone other than yourself. You've already said that you love her…that you are _in_ love with her...yes?"

Jane looked down at her hands and Angela looked back at her daughter.

"Jane!"

Jane looked up quickly.

" _Yes_!" She said, throwing her hands up. "Yes! I'm in love with her! _Jeez_ , Ma!"

Angela picked up the saucer, proffering it again towards her daughter, a slight smile forming, feeling that she was finally getting through to the stubborn detective.

"Then don't screw this up. You also said earlier that you would kill and die for her, remember?"

Jane hesitated.

"Remember?!"

"Yeah, Ma!" Jane nodded, vehemently. " _Damn_!"

Angela took one more deep breath, calming herself and the situation.

"Listen to me then. She will do the same for you." Angela repeated herself. "She _will_ do the same for you. Jane. You'll do well to remember that, okay?"

Angela smiled, pushing the china out towards the wide eyed brunette, expecting her daughter to take it and make her way to the door.

Jane nodded, accepting it, begrudgingly but happily.

"I know, Ma." Jane said to her mother, her voice then dropping to a whisper. "That's what scares me more than anything."

She looked up, brown eyes wide. "I don't deserve her. Do I?"

Angela reached out and cupped Jane's chin, eyes filled with finality, tears threatening again.

"Yes, you do, Jane. You _do_ deserve her. And she deserves you, too. She knows who she's getting. She always has." Angela smiled lovingly. "She sees you for you and all that you have to offer…not only to the world, but to her, as well."

Angela ran her thumb once over Jane's chin. "Give yourself some credit, okay, baby?"

Jane smiled weakly, briefly allowing her mother to see her soft side, before leaning back and pulling her face out of her mother's grasp, clearing her throat quietly, sarcastic Jane returning, giving her mother her own stern warning.

"Okay. Okay!" She waved her mother's hands away from her face, recovering from her momentary sentimental lapse, addressing her most feared sudden immediate reality.

"But you have to do something for me, too. Don't tell anyone about us, Ma. Not yet, okay? I _mean_ it! Not Korsak or Frankie or Tommy…or even Aunt Carmilina!" Jane pointed a finger at her mother. " _Especially_ not Aunt Carmelina!"

Angela balked. "But Jane! Maura's a _doctor_! You know how I've always wanted a doctor in the family! She'll be so jealous!"

"No, Ma! No! You tell her and it'll be like you took out a full page ad in the Globe and bought a billboard on I-93! The whole family will know before breakfast! And not just the family! The squad, too!"

Angela looked at Jane, hands open, eyes wide. " _So_?! It's something to be happy about! _Something_ to be proud of! Something to celebrate!"

Jane sat the saucer down on the island and walked away, turning her back to her mother, hands on her hips, shaking her head, trying to get the anger that threatened under control. She took a deep breath before turning around, finding her mother's eyes, hands still on her hips. She leaned forward, speaking quietly, but intently.

"Mother. Listen to me. Are you listening?"

Angela immediately realized that Jane meant business. She never called her "mother" unless she was truly upset.

She nodded.

Jane spoke quietly.

"I need you to stop, please. Ma, _please_. I _need_ some time with Maura. _We_ need some time together. Just us, okay? I'm terrified enough as it is. This is all new to me. I don't need any outside pressure right now. _We_ don't need any outside pressure right now. I need you to back off, okay? Let us figure this all out before you go announcing it to the world."

Jane suddenly realized something, speaking adamantly. "And _you_ shouldn't be the one announcing it in the first place. So…"

Jane smiled, walking back to her mother and to the counter, reluctantly placing her open palms on it. "Understand? Ma? When we're ready, let us tell the world, okay?"

Angela smiled and nodded, sliding her hands into her daughter's, thrilled, her own attempts at a similar truce earlier rebuffed.

Jane closed her hands around her mother's, knowing that her mother needed to accept that Jane knew what she was doing and hoping, for once, she would keep her loud mouth shut.

The detective suddenly realized that she needed more than hope. She needed confirmation.

"Promise me."

Angela nodded and squeezed her daughter's hands.

Jane needed more than that. She needed verbal confirmation.

"Ma. Say it out loud."

"Whaaat?! I _promise_ , alright?!"

Jane smiled, releasing her mother's hands and walking towards the the door, her mind switching gears and going to Maura once again. She turned and looked at her mother seriously.

"I _mean_ it, Ma. No phone calls tonight. No texts or hints or anything that even alludes to me and Maura being a couple. When _we_ are ready to announce…whatever _we_ want to announce…it will be our decision, okay? Give us some space."

Angela reluctantly agreed.

Jane smiled and then turned to leave, opening the door.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Angela asked, picking up the forgotten saucer and teacup, proffering it toward Jane.

Jane snorted laughter, leaning forward and taking it carefully from her mother's hand.

"Thank you." The detective became uncharacteristically reflective. "For everything tonight…the talk…opening my eyes up to a lot of things… _explaining_ a lot of things…washing this…" She laughed, hesitating, then felt the pull of Maura again.

" _Okay_! I gotta go! I love you but I really want to get back to Maura, Ma. We've been _jabbering_ for hours. She's probably gone to bed by now!"

Angela smiled knowingly, her eyes twinkling, remembering what it was like to be in love and wanting nothing more than to be with that person.

"Okay, sweetheart." She stood up, smiling wryly, winking. "Go to her. But I promise you one thing."

Jane stood looking at her mother wide eyed, impatient but waiting, one hand on the door, the other balancing the entire reason for her being there in the first place.

" _What_?!"

"I promise you that she hasn't gone to bed." She said, winking again.

Jane smiled again sheepishly, opening the door and stepping through it, rolling her eyes at her mother's insinuation.

"I hope not." She whispered to herself, closing the door behind her.

Once again, if she hadn't been burdened with Maura's delicate china, she might've skipped back.

R&I R&I R&I

" _Shit_." She whispered under her breath, looking around the empty kitchen, hands on her hips.

Her worst fears had been confirmed. Maura had grown bored or tired, possibly both, and had gone to bed.

She looked down at herself and realized, with some embarrassment and a slight bit of anger, just how untucked and disheveled she was and how her mother must've been seeing her for their entire conversation.

"Dammit!" She said, running her hands through her hair, pulling it away from her face, frustration filling her mind.

"Jane?"

Her head snapped toward the sound of that sweet voice coming from the living room.

"Maura?"

Maura's face suddenly appeared from behind the back of the oversized sofa that faced away from the kitchen, smiling, then disappeared again.

"I'm here."

Jane grinned foolishly, relief flooding through her. She realized how stupid and eager she might appear so she schooled her face before she walked around to the end of the sofa, hands still on her head holding her hair back, leaning over as she rounded the corner of it.

"I thought you'd gone to bed." She said, shaking her hair off her shoulders and moving her hands into her pockets, standing at the end of the couch.

Maura lay, semi-propped up, back on the arm of the sofa, facing Jane, pillows behind her, freshly showered and in her comfortable pajamas.

Her knees were bent and on her thighs rested an open book of considerable size.

Jane had seen her in these pajamas many times, leaning in this same place on the end of the sofa just as often.

But tonight, Jane was allowed to let her mind run freely, her past feelings towards Maura finally given vindication.

So tonight, Jane thought and was _allowed_ to think that she looked absolutely breathtaking.

The doctor smiled at Jane, eyes glinting, so happy to see the return of her detective. Her heart began to beat rapidly. She tried to calm herself, not knowing what had transpired between Jane and her mother in her own carriage house. She spoke softly.

"I told you I wouldn't go to bed until you came back."

Jane laughed, nodding.

"Yeah, you did. I remember."

There was a brief awkward moment that passed between them before Jane walked around the end of the sofa and plopped down on it, sighing loudly, inches from Maura's bare feet. She stared straight ahead.

She sat silent for a moment before looking at Maura, seriously.

"So...what are you reading?" She asked, gesturing her thumb towards the book that Maura was holding open in her lap.

Maura smiled and held up the hefty tome.

"Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine." She said wryly, waiting for Jane's sarcastic input, eyes narrowed, adding. "Twentieth edition."

Jane was pensive for a moment and then looked at her seriously, holding up her hand.

"Hmmmm…I've heard that was a good one. Please do _not_ tell me how it ends. I _mean_ it! I want to borrow it when you're done so I can read it for myself."

They looked at each other silently before breaking out into hilarious laughter, the unnatural tension between them finally broken.

When they could speak, Maura began, the book still held open, but the pages resting on her stomach.

"So…are you okay?"

Jane looked at her, smiling shyly, nodding her head.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Are you okay?"

Maura nodded, eyes shining with empathy.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jane shook her head, smiling politely.

"Not really." She said softly, but adjusted quickly, holding up her hand. "Not that I won't! Just not now, okay?"

Maura smiled and nodded, understanding completely.

"Okay." She smiled, her golden green eyes now twinkling somewhat. "Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed? It's been a long day. A long _week_ , actually. I'm sure your amygdala is working overtime right now after all the information you've been given tonight. It's trying to process everythi…"

Jane held up her hand, stopping Maura, shaking her head, smiling again.

"Maura. No." She said, her smile lingering. "I don't want to know the scientific explanation of what my brain is doing right now. I just know that it feels a little mushy. But I _do_ want you to know that I will tell you everything. Just…"

Jane shook her head, taking another deep breath, honestly not sure what she wanted to do at the moment.

Maura waited, her patience always infinite when it came to Jane.

"I think I just want to sit here with you, if that's alright. We don't have to talk. I just want to be with you while I work out what just happened tonight. What's _still_ happening really, I guess. You can keep reading. I mean…I want you to keep reading."

Jane looked at Maura. "I mean…I'd _like_ for you to keep reading. If you do that, then it's like everything is normal. Just like any other night. I know things have changed between us, Maura. But can you do that? Does that sound crazy to you?"

Maura smiled again, shaking her head slowly, understanding completely. She was worried that Jane would have trouble segueing into their new relationship. She was pleasantly pleased that the normally brash detective needed time for introspection.

"You know I don't ever need any encouragement from you when it comes to reading."

She returned her attention back to her book, completely engrossed once again, her own quirky inability to read uncomfortable situations welcomed by Jane.

They sat quiet for a while, both processing the night and everything that had happened, each in their own way.

The only sound in the room was Maura occasionally turning a page.

Jane suddenly took a deep breath and looked at Maura, who looked up from her book immediately, as if anticipating Jane's attention.

"Would it disturb you too much if I turned on the tv? They're announcing the starting lineup of this year's Patriots on ESPN. I'm curious who they cut. I'll keep the volume low."

Maura smiled sweetly, nodding, surmising that Jane might not be ready to move into this new coupling just yet, but also sure that she wasn't moving away from it either.

Jane leaned forward and picked up the remote, clicking on the television that hung above the fireplace, leaning back, finding the channel and losing herself in the droning on of the announcers and their news.

She adjusted the volume accordingly.

She was acutely aware of Maura and her close proximity and all that they had shared this night, but her mind had defaulted to habit, the underlying turmoil of her uncertainty appeased by the routine that they both had established over the years.

Jane found that she did her best thinking when she was at Maura's house, her feet propped up on her expensive coffee table, remote in hand, eyes glazed as she watched the oversized high resolution monitor in front of her.

Maura had upgraded it to the best that money could buy once she realized the importance it held in Jane's life.

Jane always felt priviledged and surprised that Maura had done that for her. She'd slowly started to realize that Maura would do a lot of things for her.

Since then, they had spent many nights in this room together.

If they weren't watching a movie, documentary or the news on this new expensive television, then Maura herself would almost always be lounging by her side in some rendition of the position she was relaxing in right now as Jane watched it on her own.

Presently, Jane watched the scores, mind working but body relaxed, serene in the presence of her paramour. She absentmindedly rubbed her feet together.

Then something happened. It was a subtle movement, but it changed everything.

Maura slowly slid her feet forward and tucked her toes under Jane's thigh. She had done this countless times before when they had sat in this same position, Jane watching the television and Maura reading her books.

But suddenly, it felt different this time.

It felt like it was something that Maura would only do with her and never do with anyone else.

Maura took no notice of the change in Jane's disposition, her focus on the pages in front of her, Harrison's twentieth edition just as compelling to her as was his first nineteen.

But the simple gesture seemed to flip some switch inside of Jane. She did her best to control the impulse to pull both of Maura's feet onto her lap. She'd never done this before, but she'd fantasized about doing it many times. She wondered if Maura would let her from now on.

She remained quiet as she began to accept everything and thought about how she should proceed.

Jane finally spoke softly but resolutely, eyes leaving the tv and focusing on her own feet, still propped up on the coffee table, the feeling of Maura's feet tucked under her thigh electrifying.

"I can't share you."

Maura looked up, confused.

"I'm sorry? What did you say?"

Jane looked at Maura then back to her own feet. She turned off the television, but still nervously fingered the buttons on the remote.

"I said I can't _share_ you."

Maura was quiet while she tried to process Jane's statement, finally giving up, completely confused.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I don't understand what you mean."

Jane swallowed loudly, looking back and finding Maura's confused eyes.

"I mean…if we are going to do this…. _this_ …" She gestured her hand between the the two of them. "…then what I'm saying is that I can't share you."

Maura closed the book slowly, intuitively feeling that this was a turning point for both of them, curious and eager for Jane to clarify her statement.

"Can you explain?"

Jane sat quietly for a moment before she spoke, taking a deep cleansing breath, turning to look into Maura's wide eager eyes.

Jane smiled shyly.

"I can."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"I know about them."

Maura's brow creased in confusion.

"You know about… _them_?" She asked, briefly looking down at the book that she still held in her lap and mentally marking the page before closing it softly. Maura didn't use bookmarks. She didn't have to.

"Who is them, Jane? Who do you know about?"

Jane took a deep breath, looking away from Maura before finding her beautiful hazel eyes again.

She responded with slight indignation.

"Your overnight… _visitors_."

Maura softly placed the big book onto the coffee table, then leaned back against the arm of the sofa again, smiling slightly, her eyes glinting, intrigued. She had an inkling where this was going but didn't have any confirmation. So, Maura being Maura, decided to gather more data.

She loosely crossed her arms over her stomach and tilted her head.

"My overnight visitors? Can you be more specific? _You've_ been predominately my overnight visitor for the past two months or so now."

Jane looked away, somewhat embarrassed, not wanting to delve into Maura's sexual past even when it immediately affected her future and also slightly embarrassed because she knew that Maura was right.

"Jane?"

Jane found Maura's eyes again, slightly unnerved by her smile and coolness. The detective thought she would be taking Maura off guard with her observations, but once again, the doctor seemed to always be one step ahead.

"I've not been the only… _visitor_. I know you've had…lovers…lately."

Maura nodded, immediately responding calmly. "I have."

Jane spoke softly, slightly unnerved.

"Both male and female."

Maura nodded again.

"Yes. And?"

Maura unconsciously pushed her toes deeper under Jane's thigh, the feel of her warmth and strength comforting. She was confused as to how Jane knew how she'd been spending many of her free nights, but still curious about Jane's reaction to that unexpected discovery.

"Does that surprise you? _Should_ that surprise you?" She moved one foot out from under Jane's thigh and nudged it slightly before replacing it, smiling. "I am a sexually active adult female with a healthy sex drive, after all. I'm allowed to satisfy my own needs as I see fit." Maura paused, smiling slightly. "Don't you agree?"

When Jane didn't answer, she nudged her thigh again, tucking her toes away once more. "Jane?"

The detective nodded begrudgingly, but remained quiet.

"And how would you know that anyway? That I have been…entertaining?"

Maura knew that the only person who _could_ know was Angela. The matriarch had already divulged that information to her personally during the conversation in which Maura herself had confessed her love for Jane.

Angela had also agreed not to share that knowledge with her daughter, just as Maura had agreed not to tell Jane that she knew the detective was in love with her after Angela had basically spelled it out and confirmed her suspicions.

The doctor had no way of knowing that Jane had seen the comings and goings with her own eyes.

Maura had been uncomfortable with the entire secretive situation from the very beginning, viewing it as a ridiculous informational truce between two parties that desperately wanted that information and one that was easily resolved with simple honesty on both sides.

She wanted nothing more than to come clean given the opportunity, deception never a part of her physical or mental makeup. But she remained true to her word to Angela, unsure if the matriarch had done the same.

So Maura repeated herself.

"Jane? How could you know that?"

Jane looked away, suddenly self conscious, unsure of how to tell her best friend that she'd seen her guests leaving as she'd stood silent and hidden, watching them from her mother's window, jealousy sometimes moving her to tears and then slowly almost eating her alive.

She also suddenly realized that Maura had no idea just how many times she'd needed her comfort these past couple of months, but had been denied, her nightmares coinciding with Maura's own need for companionship, each interloper's unexpected presence pushing her out of Maura's bed.

Or also just how many times she'd spent the night on her mother's couch instead of in her _own_ bed, her mother's comfort a poor substitute for the solace that she truly needed, which was Maura's warm body pressed up against her own.

Maura waited for Jane's answer, trusting that Angela had kept her end of the bargain, a promise that she'd made long before tonight. But she now also realized the promise was made before her own daughter had unexpectedly gone through such a life altering experience.

She suddenly doubted Angela's word, knowing that when it came to Jane, all bets were off. Actually, when it came to any of her children, all bets were off.

Maura felt fleetingly guilty for asking Angela to keep her secret, knowing that she was possibly putting her new friend and mother figure in a compromising position. But then her own sense of integrity took over. She _needed_ to know.

The doctor repeated her question a little more sternly than she had intended.

" _How_ would you know that, Jane?"

Jane looked back at Maura, stalling, using her detective instincts to make a point. She needed Maura to understand this one thing and understand it right away. Jane would never be played.

She remained quiet, waiting on Maura's admission. She knew it was coming. Maura couldn't lie, after all.

Maura held her eyes for a moment before looking way.

"I'm not used to having to defend my sexual appetite and I honestly don't think I should have to either." She said quietly. "I asked your mother not to say anything to you about them."

Jane reached over and laid her hand on Maura's knee, squeezing it softly.

"You don't and she didn't, Maura. If there is one thing that my mother is, it's loyal to her word, especially when it comes to family."

Maura quickly looked back at Jane as the detective smiled.

"Yes, Maur. You _are_ family." Jane paused before adding. "And she didn't tell me anything. _You_ just told me. And it's all good. I have no say over your life. You can do as you please."

Jane smiled slightly, looking at her hand resting on Maura's knee. She rubbed her thumb over it slowly, the soft material of her pajamas comforting. Jane remembered having this set specially made for Maura several years ago, enthusiastically stressing that cotton could be just as comfortable as silk, infinitely less expensive and easier to clean.

Every time Maura wore them to bed it gave her butterflies and confirmed her tenuous influence on her best friend's sophisticated and complicated life.

She'd always hoped that the subtle pattern of an Italian Horn and a shamrock woven into the fabric, an _homage_ to both her and Maura's lineage, had gone unnoticed by the honey blonde.

However, she was almost sure that it hadn't. The doctor had never said anything about it, but she also didn't miss anything either.

The detective had a slight suspicion that Maura had worn these particular pajamas tonight for a reason…and that reason was Jane herself.

It thrilled her to no end.

Jane continued to stroke Maura's knee and took a deep breath, not wanting to break the mood, but needing to get her point across.

"Maybe both of you should stop talking about me behind my back and just come straight to the source if you want information from now on."

Maura looked embarrassed, nodding, closing her eyes, before opening them again, finding and holding Jane's. "You're absolutely right, Jane. From now on, I promise I will. I cannot, however, speak for your mother."

Jane chuckled, nodding.

Maura smiled. "Always the detective, aren't you?"

Jane snorted laughter quietly. "Always. You know I can't turn it off."

She became pensive.

"And I know that I have no right to tell you what to do…even now. But, I just can't share you with them anymore, Maura. If you can't be exclusive with me, then we shouldn't move forward with this. Because after that kiss earlier in the kitchen, you need to know that I'll never even look at another woman again."

Maura's heart soared as Jane continued softly stroking her knee, but she remained calm.

She looked briefly down at Jane's hand, then back up.

"That's nice." She said quietly, controlling the tremor in her voice.

Jane looked down at her own hand, still somewhat shocked that not only was she doing what she was doing, but that Maura seemed to want her to continue.

"It is." Jane whispered, smiling to herself. "I've wanted to do this for a very long time."

Maura continued to smile, but a sense of seriousness tainted her next words.

"I know."

Jane looked down at her hand again, slightly embarrassed, her thumb still moving over the soft fabric.

"I know you said earlier that it wasn't your place, but I wish you would've said something sooner."

Maura took a deep breath, whispering softly.

"In hindsight, now so do I."

They sat quiet for several minutes, Jane continuing to softly stroke Maura's knee. Then, becoming emboldened by Maura's silent permission, she moved her fingers underneath, cradling it, her thumb still slowly moving over the delicate kneecap, the fabric of the pajama bottoms bunching up into her palm.

Maura took a quick quiet breath before speaking softly.

"Please be careful, Jane. I've already had to shower once tonight because you'd inadvertently discovered one of my… _special_ places. You are about to find another one."

Jane immediately stopped moving her thumb, but left her hand where it was. She looked up, her eyes glinting and suddenly filled with mischief.

"Really? This is one of your… _places_? Your _knee_ pit, Maura?"

Jane quickly filed that important data away, adding it to the earlier information, planning on taking full advantage of both as soon as she was able.

Maura smiled back at Jane, but with a bit of trepidation. If the detective moved her long, slender fingers, particularly and exclusively her middle finger forward just a bit…and if she pushed that finger into the soft depression at the back of her knee joint just so...

"If you are referring to my popliteal fossa, then yes."

Jane laughed, but still didn't move her hand.

"Your pop little…whassa?"

Maura laughed with her, doing her best not to move her own knee as Jane cradled it.

"Yes, Jane. My knee pit. I believe that is its common name." Maura explained, her groin beginning to reawaken, Jane's fingers dangerously close to causing a somewhat unwanted but uncontrollable natural reaction, made infinitely more intense by the person about to cause it.

She warned her paramour firmly.

"I know that you're not in the mindset to move forward physically into this relationship tonight…" She looked towards the back door, insinuating Jane's discussion with her mother and the effect it must've had on the detective's libido. "…and I do understand why…but unless you want me to have to excuse myself and once again indulge in the self gratification that I felt was necessary to relieve the built up pressure and stress that you caused earlier, I would thankfully appreciate it if you would not stimulate my… _knee_ _pit_ …any further."

Jane's smiled faltered and she slowly moved her hand away from Maura's knee, resting it on her own lap as her left hand continued to finger the soft buttons on the remote. She moved it into her right hand to give it something to do… _anything_ to do. _Anything_ other than touching Maura again… _there_.

And as much as she wanted to touch Maura in her most delicate of places, she wasn't sure that she knew how.

Jane was quiet as she digested Maura's words.

She looked down as it slowly dawned on her what the doctor had just admitted. An expected flush of embarrassment rushed up her neck as an unexpected rush of arousal filled her loins.

Jane involuntarily squeezed her Kegal muscles once, the mental picture bursting through her brain.

Maura _was_ right, though. She was not ready to move into the physical side of their new relationship just yet, this new glut of emotional and mental stress proving too much for her psyche…and as Maura stated, her mother also proving to be the human equivalent of saltpeter.

Even if she wanted to get aroused, she was almost sure that she couldn't, and quite frankly, she was just too tired to test her assumption.

However, she was thrilled and intrigued that Maura's desire was alive and doing so well.

She spoke softly, a sly grin forming as she looked back at Maura, eyes shy but glinting. "So…what you are telling me is that you had to…you know?" She looked down at her own groin, then back up. "Take care of yourself?"

Maura answered immediately.

"If you are asking me if I masturbated while in the shower, then the answer is yes."

Jane giggled quietly once, looking down at her hands as Maura continued.

"And I'm volunteering that if you were to keep touching me there, I may have to do it again."

Jane looked up quickly, taking a quiet breath, her eyes the size of saucers, her mouth slightly open, the remote forgotten.

"Whether or not I do it alone…or in front of you…would be your choice…of course."

Jane swallowed discreetly, her mind suddenly overflowing with images of Maura touching herself.

It was too much. This whole night was suddenly just too much.

She stood up quickly, startling Maura, the remote still in her hand, taking a huge deep breath, shaking her head.

"No! Maura, please! Just no!" She said, holding her free hand up toward the doctor, who instinctively sat up and pulled her knees into her chest, Jane's reaction to her admission taking her off guard.

She knew that she was pushing her luck with her previous statement, Jane's innate reluctance to talk about anything sexual well known, but this reaction was unexpected.

Maura apologized immediately, leaning forward, her arms reaching out to her detective.

"I'm sorry, Jane! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be so forward! I shouldn't have…"

Jane interrupted her, shaking her head and waving her hands around, one still holding the television remote.

"No! It's okay, Maura!"

She was suddenly mortified.

She was a grown woman acting like a virginal teenager. She didn't want this to be Maura's lasting impression of their first night together as a couple to be remembered.

She stood up tall and took a deep breath, waving off Maura's apologies.

"Stop! Just stop." She said, lowering her voice. "Maura, please stop apologizing. I mean it. Please. I hate that you feel like you always need to apologize for just being yourself and doing what you do."

Maura was fearful that she'd pushed too far, Jane's fragile mental state still too unpredictable. She'd never seen her this frazzled.

"Jane?"

Jane shook her head, smiling.

"I'm okay." She took a deep breath. "I mean it, Maur. I am o-kay. I just might need a minute…or two…or three…right now. It's been a very long day." She looked over towards the stairs. "And I'm tired. And also, maybe I need to shower, too."

Maura watched Jane closely, wondering if she was supposed to infer that Jane herself needed to also masturbate or if she was reading the entire situation wrong. Sometimes, she did have a difficult time understanding Jane and her sarcasm, an even harder time if Jane was also embarrassed.

She remained quiet, eyes wide, hugging her own knees again.

Jane slowly walked backward towards the stairs, explaining awkwardly, her hands moving around erratically, the remote still in hand.

"I mean, you were right earlier and it's been a long day and I just need to get out of these clothes and…"

She bumped into the bannister, turning and looking at it quickly, then back at Maura, laughing nervously.

"…and I might as well shower while I'm up there. So, you know…I'll be as clean as you are."

Jane rolled her eyes at her own words, shaking her head, muttering under her breath something that Maura couldn't quite hear. It sounded peculiarly close to a sentence containing the word "stupid", but Maura couldn't be sure.

She began to smile at Jane's antics, understanding that the brunette was genuinely flummoxed at her own previous admission.

Jane continued, her hand on the bannister, one foot on the bottom step, looking at the floor, then back up at Maura's smiling face and understanding eyes. It embarrassed Jane even more to know that Maura knew exactly what she was thinking about.

"So…yeah…I'm just gonna…" She gestured with her thumb up the stairs. "…you know, go…shower."

Maura smiled and pointed towards Jane.

"Do you plan on watching television while you're up there? Because I know it's a universal remote but we don't have a monitor in the shower…not yet, anyway." She laughed quietly, trying to soothe Jane. "And just so you know, I'm probably going to put my foot down on that request…should it ever come up, I mean."

Jane was briefly confused, before she looked at her left hand still holding the remote control. She laughed out loud, shaking her head, walking towards Maura.

She handed it to her beloved awkwardly, still somewhat embarrassed by this whole situation.

Maura took it quietly, still smiling, looking up at Jane.

Jane returned her smile before she turned back towards the stairs, taking two steps towards them but stopping abruptly, snapping her fingers loudly, turning back to Maura.

"I forgot something."

Maura sat quietly holding the remote looking confused.

Jane turned and walked back to Maura and leaned over her, placing both of her hands on the arm of the sofa on either side of her beloved's shoulders.

Maura took a deep breath, looking up at Jane, finding her eyes.

Jane leaned slowly down and moved her mouth just next to Maura's but didn't touch it.

She spoke quietly into it.

"I forgot that I can do this now anytime I want."

She then leaned in and kissed her doctor long and deep, her hands moving from the sofa to Maura's face, her thumb caressing the doctor's chin as she broke the kiss, then whispering breathlessly into Maura's ear. She needed her doctor to understand.

"I can't share you. I won't share you, Maura. I know I don't have the right to tell you what to do, but…if we are going to do this, then…you need to know that. It's not who I am." She moved away and then kissed Maura's forehead gently.

Maura moved back and found Jane's mouth, her free hand finding the nape of her neck, pulling her back down.

"I know, Jane." She said into her mouth, kissing her as she spoke. "I've just been waiting for you to say it. I can't share you either."

Jane pulled back, licking her lips, the taste of Maura on them distracting and delightful.

"Then it's settled. No more overnight guests. For either of us."

Maura nodded and smiled, tracing Jane's cleft with her thumb, speaking softly.

"Does this mean we're going steady now?"

Jane snorted, nodding, kissing the pad of Maura's thumb softly before speaking. "I think so…yeah. And how would someone who went to an all girls school in Europe even know about that anyway? Going steady."

"Judy Blume."

Jane laughed. "I guess good writing finds a way."

Maura leaned back and found Jane's eyes, her heart beating rapidly, unamused.

"So this is it, Jane? You and me?"

Jane leaned down and kissed Maura once again, long and slow, before whispering quietly into her mouth.

"Yes. And it's you and I. Grammar Maura."

Maura laughed, leaning into Jane, pushing herself up into her paramour, grabbing her detective, pulling her down, the remote forgotten in her lap, finding her breast and kneading it softly.

Jane pushed her chest into Maura's hand before suddenly pulling away, standing up quickly, taking a deep breath. It took her a moment to speak.

"I'm sorry. _Shit_! I'm sorry!" The detective said, holding up her hands.

Maura shook her head and held up her owns hands.

"No, I'm sorry, Jane! Did I do something wrong?! Did I touch you in the wrong place?!"

Jane shook her head vehemently. "No! No, Maura! You didn't!"

She ran her hands through her long hair, pulling it away from her face, taking a deep breath. She dropped her hands, her hair framing her face again. She smiled.

"I just wasn't expecting it, that's all. I've spent so much time trying not to let myself imagine that this could actually ever happen and not enough time yet on the fact that it is." She laughed nervously. "Does that sound ridiculous? I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?"

Maura took a quiet deep breath, licking her lips and pushing her arousal back down, knowing that nothing was going to happen between them tonight, but still confused as to why Jane kept inciting her.

"No, you aren't being ridiculous, Jane. But you are beginning to tease me a bit. And it's starting to get frustrating."

Jane looked confused before she realized that she was indeed repeatedly leading Maura on and then shutting her down.

"Oh, shit! Maura, I'm _so_ sorry! After all these years, you must have the worst case of blue balls on the planet. And I just keep making it worse."

It was Maura's turn at confusion. She sat, brow furrowed, looking at her own lap before giving up on trying to figure out what Jane was talking about.

She finally looked up and asked innocently. "I'm sorry, Jane but I don't understand how a pair of the number two balls on a standard American billiard table has anything to do with my sexual frustration right now?"

Jane waited a beat before bursting out in genuine laughter, finally realizing what Maura was so confused about, hands on her knees, her own physical and mental fatigue catching up to her.

"What? Jane?!" Maura asked, now completely confused. " _What_ is so funny?!"

Jane shook her head, standing tall again and taking one more deep breath, wiping her tearing eyes.

"Look it up, Maura!" She laughed. " _Look_ it up! I just can't explain right now."

Jane leaned over and touched Maura's face lovingly.

"You are too cute for words and too beautiful for your own good."

Maura smiled with Jane, blinking slowly once.

"Am I?"

Jane nodded and answered softly.

"Absolutely."

Maura beamed, her golden green eyes shining, Jane's sweet offhanded compliment fortifying her love for the detective. She stayed quiet, finding Jane's dark coffee eyes and holding them, waiting for the detective to speak first. After several long seconds, she did.

"I'm going upstairs to shower now." She said shyly, pointing to the stairs behind her, leaning in and hesitating slightly before kissing the doctor once quickly, then standing up once again, stepping back around the coffee table and towards the stairs.

Maura nodded.

"Okay. I'll be here then. Unless you want me to join you in the shower."

The air suddenly became electrified. Time stood still for both of them.

Jane looked confounded and distressed.

Maura smiled, then laughed.

"I'm pushing it, aren't I?"

Jane nodded, smiling, still walking backwards towards the stairs. She held up her left hand, her thumb and forefinger a half an inch apart.

"Just a little."

Maura laughed as Jane turned and jogged upstairs, taking them two at a time until the doctor was alone, her mind filled with visions of the detective lathering up in her shower, her glistening olive skinned body dripping wet and demanding attention.

R&I R&I R&I

"If your mother didn't tell you, then how did you know?"

They were laying in Maura's big bed, the doctor succumbing earlier to her own fatigue, locking down the house and making her way up the stairs.

She had briefly thumbed the flap of the envelope holding Jane's list before decisively placing it inside the same drawer where her own list still sat unread. They would read it together or not at all.

She had waited nervously for her beloved to join her and now that Jane had, fresh from the shower, her skin warm, her hair slightly damp and smelling of Maura's own body wash and Jane's own natural scent, they lay holding one another, Maura on her back and Jane molded into her.

The detective dozed dreamily.

"Jane? How did you know?"

Maura gently scratched Jane's shoulder with one hand, the other laying gently in the small of her back, fingers splayed, her index finger slowly following up and down the bumps of her spine. She kissed the detective's forehead, softly moving her lips over her warm skin, drawing the smell of Jane's hair into her lungs.

Jane took a deep breath and snuggled closer into her doctor, ignoring Maura's question in favor of enjoying the smell of her skin just under her nose.

Maura could feel the brunette beginning to relax, her body melding deeper into her own. She wanted to explain something before the detective fell asleep, knowing that they both were long overdue.

She smiled into Jane's forehead, her nails continually scratching lightly over the fabric of her t-shirt, the sound of it filling the quiet bedroom.

"I know that you're always the consummate detective. You've proven it over and over, not only during your entire career, but also several times tonight."

The room was quiet, the only sound was Maura's nails scraping over Jane's t-shirt…back and forth.

Jane moved her face up and kissed Maura's neck once, her lips lingering before she spoke, her lips just brushing the warm skin, causing the doctor to break out in a massive case of goosebumps.

She whispered softly.

"And you are sometimes an overly enthusiastic best friend but an extremely intelligent and capable chief medical examiner."

Maura's hand stopped moving across Jane's shoulder as her brows drew together in confusion. She was quiet for a moment as she attempted to decipher Jane's last statement.

She was stumped.

"Thank you...but why are you saying that?"

Jane smiled into the doctor's neck and pulled her closer, moving her leg over Maura's thighs, tucking her foot in between them at her knees.

She kissed Maura's neck again, laughing quietly.

"I thought we were playing a game called stating the obvious."

Maura was quiet before she snickered, realizing that sarcastic Jane was still awake and ready to engage even if exhausted Jane was ready to sleep.

The doctor lightly slapped Jane's shoulder before pulling her closer into her body, continuing her light scratching. "We were _not_ playing that game."

"Hmmm…I thought we were." Jane said sleepily, smiling into the skin of Maura's neck. "Mmmmmmm…that feels good. So _what_ were we playing?"

Maura kissed Jane's forehead again, realizing that the detective was fighting sleep much like a small child, also knowing that she'd had a very long, mentally difficult and trying day.

Jane would be fading fast and soon. She wanted to make her point while her new paramour was cognizant.

"We weren't playing _anything_ , Jay. I was asking you a question. I've been thinking while you were showering and I realized something."

"No way! _You_? _Thinking_?!"

Maura squeezed Jane tightly as Jane laughed tiredly.

"Stop joking around, Jane."

The doctor moved Jane's hair off of her forehead and leaned into it, her lips pressing lightly onto her warm soft skin.

"If your mother didn't tell you that I was… _seeing_ people, then how did you know?"

Jane was quiet but she opened her eyes and took a deep breath, realizing that she was going to have to reveal her secret sooner rather than later.

"Jane?"

"My nightmares have been more frequent than I may have let on." Jane closed her eyes tightly knowing that she was about to receive a tongue lashing. "I've been coming here a little more often than twice a week. And spending more time on my mother's couch than I'd like to admit."

Maura leaned back and tried to find Jane's eyes.

Jane met her halfway.

"Jane? Why haven't you said anything to me about this? I can't believe you've been keeping this a secret for so long."

The new couple held each other's gaze for a moment, before Jane summarily moved back onto Maura's chest, taking a deep breath, listening for the ME's heartbeat and her respirations, her own stamina running low.

"Add it to the list. I can't do this now, Maura. Please don't ask me to. I just want to sleep here with you, in your bed, knowing that tomorrow I can wake up and you will still be mine. Can we just do that? Put these questions on hold for a minute or two?"

Maura smiled and nodded.

"Yes, we can. Absolutely, we can." She pulled Jane closer into her body.

"Thank you." Jane whispered.

Maura pushed her fingers gently into Jane's lower back, the warmth of the brunette's skin comforting.

The doctor lay quietly for a moment before she spoke again, understanding that Jane was exhausted but needing her to understand something.

"Jane? Now that I know you've been observing my overnight guests…have you noticed anything about the women?"

Jane was quiet but shook her head.

Maura kissed the top of Jane's head and resumed her scratching, pulling Jane's foot under her knee with her leg, then throwing her own leg over Jane's thigh, intertwining their bodies further.

"You said you observed all of my overnight visitors. Did you happen to see any similarities between the females? C'mon, detective. Tell me what you saw."

Jane nodded into Maura's chest, her hand moving from her neck down to her stomach, her fingers curling around her waist.

"Yes. I did see similarities. The biggest one was that none of them were me."

Maura smiled, realizing she needed to focus her question, but enjoying Jane's physical enthusiasm, nonetheless. She tried not to let her unavoidable arousal show.

"I mean, did you see any physical similarities?" She added quickly. "Between the female visitors?"

Jane took a long deep breath, but remained quiet as she reflected.

"No." She finally whispered. "Should I have?"

Maura smiled and began slowly scratching Jane's back again, enjoying Jane's verbalizations and the way the detective somehow found a way to move herself closer into her own body, snuggling deeper into her neck and throwing her leg farther over her thighs.

She replied, whispering into Jane's hair, smiling at her own ability to fool Jane, even if it was for a moment.

"They all somewhat resembled you, Sherlock."

Jane was quiet for a while and Maura thought she may have finally gone to sleep. The doctor pulled her detective in closer and closed her own eyes, knowing that sleep was going to take her quickly as well.

Then Jane took a deep breath and then said sleepily.

"Only the second one looked even remotely looked like me. The first and third were just tall and had long dark hair. As much as I hated all of them, I do like that you kept inviting the second one back. Boosted my ego a bit. How's that, Watson?"

Maura smiled as her eyes filled with tears, realizing that she'd never have to try and find an inferior substitute for Jane ever again.

"I love you, Jane."

"I love you, too, Maura. And I never want to see any of those women anywhere near you again. Particularly number two."

Maura smiled and pulled Jane closer.

"And if Agent Dean, Lieutenant Grant, Sergeant Jones or Agent Davies ever come calling again, I can rest assured that you will be sending them away?"

"Done. Without a doubt."

They both slept better than they ever had in both of their entire lives.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Maura quietly watched Jane sleep, a slight smile on her face and her wide awake alert eyes barely masking her wonder. She was still slightly unbelieving that they were now officially a couple, the previous night's events still fresh in her mind.

And even though she had woken up with Jane in her bed many times before, today the circumstances were very different.

Last night, Jane had come in on her own accord and had stayed with no other reason than that she had chosen and wanted to be here. No nightmare or terror filled memory of Charles Hoyt had chased her from her own apartment and into her bed.

And for that, the doctor was grateful, awed, and finally…relieved.

Jane was her's…and she was Jane's. No more deception on either of their parts. Time to move forward.

Maura lay next to the detective as she reflected upon this, the covers around her waist, one hand under the pillow and the other curled under her chin. She unconciously rubbed her thumb over the collar of her night clothes, knowing that Jane had had them made exclusively for her.

She also tenuously held onto a secret unknown to Jane, but one that the doctor anxiously waited and wanted to reveal to her long anticipated partner. It was almost verging on an uncontrollable need, although she knew that Jane might not be amenable, the early hour dictating Maura's reasoning.

The doctor had tapped her alarm before it was scheduled to go off as she normally would, even though it was Saturday and she and Jane had no concrete plans, also knowing that she'd already told Jane that they would be sleeping in.

Or at least _Jane_ would be, her own inability to sleep more than two hours after her alarm was to sound almost impossible without medication.

They lay in her big king size bed, both barely utilizing only half of its overall size, the sun just peeking around the closed blinds and curtains, slightly illuminating the dark room. Maura herself always disliked the eastward view of her bedroom, but understood that she had no choice but to allow it.

Her Beacon Hill home was built long before the architects that designed it cared that the morning sun would be flooding her future sleeping quarters.

She was also well aware that she was forbidden to change it, her house listed on the official register of Boston's elite and historic livable homes. Thus, she was stuck.

She'd accepted early on that the rising sun would always be in her eyes.

However, Jane was another story altogether and fought it tooth and nail.

Even though it wasn't her bedroom, nor did she have any say over it's internal configuration, the detective always groaned loudly as she pulled the bedcovers over her head each morning that she stayed over, the brunette in _no_ way shape or form an early riser.

Still, even over Jane's constant grumbling, Maura refused to move her bed to the perpendicular wall. She had measured the room long before she'd bought the house and made sure that her bed would fit perfectly where it now sat. She wasn't keen on moving it because the sun was a little bright in the morning.

After all, she _was_ an early riser.

Jane, of course, had voiced her opinion on the subject many times.

' _C'mon, Maura! It's so bright! I feel like I'm waking up on the sun, for Pete's sake!' She huffed from underneath the covers one morning._

 _Maura shook her head, steadfast, trying to move them off of Jane's face with limited success. Jane just covered her head with Maura's pillow._

 _'I'm not moving my bed, Jane. It is perfectly fine where it is. I understand that the sun is somewhat invasive in the morning, but I can't change the rotation of the planet for you.'_

 _The doctor thought wistfully._ 'Although, if I could…I would. But I am absolutely _not_ moving my bed.'

 _She smiled, shaking her head._

 _'I'll see what I can do about the glare, but my bed stays where it is. You can either deal with it…or stay in the guest room downstairs. It does face north, neither getting the morning or waning evening sun."_

 _Maura had realized too late that she was probably hurting her best friend's feelings and also unintentionally insinuating that she didn't want Jane sharing her bed anymore, which couldn't be further from her true feelings._

 _She instantly regretted her words and held her breath, waiting for Jane's reprisal._

 _To the doctor's relief, Jane had either chosen to ignore them or had decided to just let them go altogether, understanding that Maura sometimes could be caustic but she was never intentionally malicious._

 _Jane threw the pillow off of her face, her arms wide as she lay on her back in Maura's bed, desperately pleading her case, eyes on the ceiling._

 _'But what about the…feng shui factor, Maura?! Your bed is facing the wrong direction! It's bad joo joo!'_

 _Maura, standing next to the bed half dressed and holding her mascara in one hand, had looked at Jane seriously for a moment, trying to understand her statement and trying to suss out if Jane was messing with her, as she was sometimes known to do._

 _She answered succinctly, as she was_ always _known to do._

' _I don't believe in bad…joo joo, whatever that is. And feng shui is a pseudoscience based in ancient Chinese folklore. It's validity is neither concrete or provable.'_

 _Jane had curled her lip in overly dramatic defeat, lifting her head and her eyes finding Maura's, one brow cocked upward, intending a smart comeback. However, seeing Maura standing over her in just her bra and skirt, she immediately dropped her head back to the bed, eyes closing quickly. She tried to recover and hoped the doctor hadn't noticed her blush as it rushed up her neck, settling on her cheeks and forehead._

 _'Sooooo…in essence, what you're saying is that you're_ not _moving your bed?'_

 _Maura had smiled slightly as she shook her head, sitting down on the bed next to Jane, unconsciously leaning over and placing her free hand over Jane onto the mattress at her hip. Jane instinctively looked up at her best friend, blush be damned._

' _No.' Maura answered curtly, a smile still on her face, voicing her previous thought. 'I'm absolutely_ not _moving my bed.'_

 _Jane dropped her head dramatically back to the mattress, huffing loudly but muttering under her breath comically. 'I'd move my bed for you.'_

 _Maura laughed out loud, it's sweet sound filling the bedroom._

 _'_ Really _?! Jane? Would you? You don't really have many options in your small bedroom. In fact, I think that where your bed is now is the only place it can fit and still be utilized.'_

 _Jane curled her lip again, not bothering to lift her head this time, doing her best to stay serious but knowing that Maura was kidding and that she was, too, the vision of a half-naked Maura seared into her mind._

 _'Well…at the very least…I might try to make sure that your eyes weren't burned out of their sockets every morning when the sun came up!'_

 _Maura had smiled and reached out and touched Jane's forearm, speaking softly, her own brand of semi-sarcasm evident._

 _'Calm down. If the glare of the rotation of our planet around its life-giving star offends you so much, I'll look into blocking it out. Will that satisfy you?'_

 _Jane had immediately smiled broadly and clapped her hands together softly, looking up and finding Maura's eyes with her own._

 _'You promise?'_

 _Maura had rolled her eyes, nodding her head, knowing that she would do just about anything to make Jane happy. She then stood and walked back to her bathroom, intent on getting ready for work once again, uncapping the mascara as she went._

 _Jane looked up and briefly but intently watched her go, quickly dropping her head back to the bed before Maura caught her. She pumped her fist into the air._

 _'Yes!' She exclaimed loudly, her blush still evident. 'Screw you, sun!'_

Thus, Maura had done what she could to make sure that her room was now as dark as it could be. She'd done her best to black it out without sacrificing the overall aesthetic of her window, both inside and out, even though it faced her small back yard and the only people who would ever be seeing it were those that were invited, also inside and out.

If it were up to Jane, she would've just covered it with aluminum foil and called it done. Maura had protested loudly at the very mention of doing this, to Jane's absolute and utter delight, knowing that Maura would rather die than have her window covered in tin foil.

The doctor had had a very brief but powerful sense of déjà vu during the laughable discussion. It had stayed longer with her than she had liked.

Presently, however, whatever sparse light that now made its way into the room and found its way over Jane's sleeping body gave Maura all of the illumination that she needed.

Honestly, Maura didn't need any light at all in order to map out the figure of the woman now laying next to her. She'd done it before in almost complete darkness…many times, in fact.

Jane had unexpectedly rolled away from Maura during the night and now she lay facing the honey blonde, one hand curled under her chin, the back of the other resting lightly against the doctor's stomach as they shared Maura's large pillow.

Maura attributed this movement away from her own body to Jane's newfound confidence in their relationship, no longer unconsciously worrying that her new girlfriend would be sharing her bed with anyone but herself any longer.

Now only their knees and feet touched, Jane curling her feet over Maura's protectively. The detective periodically and arbitrarily flexed her toes, the joints sometimes popping loudly in the quiet bedroom.

It wasn't an unfamiliar sound to Maura. Jane did this regularly, her socked feet propped up on the coffee table in Maura's living room while she watched her sports teams, yelling at the television...as if her vocalizations could somehow affect the outcome of the contest that she was currently viewing.

Maura always found it endearing…especially since Jane didn't realize that she was doing it.

Listening to this and feeling the weight of Jane's leg on her own, the doctor resisted the urge to lightly trace her fingers over Jane's brow, down to her shoulder, across her ribcage, and resting her hand on her hip, wanting to allow her as much uninterrupted sleep as possible.

As of late, she knew Jane could use all that she could get, the still unsolved Lattimore case and her own nightmares making sleep difficult.

The doctor settled for studying the symmetry between the sleeping detective's eye sockets, the perfect squareness of her jawline, noting how it was not too masculine but not quite the popular feminine ideal either. Maura marveled at the sharpness of her nose and the cleft in her chin, always a delight, it infatuating the doctor long before she was allowed to see her as a lover would.

She knew that it was either an inherited genetic anomaly or a birth defect that had kept her mandible from forming properly in the womb and now giving it its familiar and intriguing shape.

Maura didn't really care which, even though she surmised that since no one in her family had this trait, it made Jane unique, thus most likely a birth defect.

Jane's entire face met every criteria for symmetry and perfection, scientifically speaking, studies having been done…except for her cleft.

The CME realized that it was an integral part of Jane that made her who she perfectly was, even if Jane herself didn't realize it. But it wasn't Jane's physical perfection that made her perfect to Maura.

Maura, for once in her entire life, could care less about the scientific studies that had tried to measure the reason one human was considered more pleasing to the eye than another.

Jane was more than the sum of her physical parts. She was the most loyal, intelligent, instinctive and kind woman…no… _person,_ that she'd ever met.

As she lay studying her companion, all she saw was the woman that she loved…the only person that she had ever _truly_ loved.

In essence, to Maura, Jane was astoundingly gorgeous, the cleft only adding to her character, every perceived physical flaw about the raven haired detective only subtly adding to her beauty. All of her scars…the ones on her hands, her lower stomach and middle back…even those on her knee and elbow from a youthful skateboarding fall, all now faded and almost imperceptibly visible, made Jane that much more appealing to Maura.

But it was her character and integrity that shot everything home for the honey blonde.

As trite as it might appear to be, Jane was beautiful to Maura..both outside and in.

If she were to try and explain this to Jane, she knew that the raven haired detective would not only laugh out loud at her scientific theories, but would find her observations unbelievable and maybe even somewhat laughable and embarrassing.

Once again, vanity thy name was _not_ Jane Clementine Rizzoli.

Still, Maura was now silently enjoying her relaxation and slumber. She was happy that the normally restless and frenetic Jane was finally sleeping. She was ecstatic actually, knowing that she could always use more downtime than she was given or taking.

Unfortunately, to her own chagrin...she also secretly wished that Jane would just wake up.

Maura had tucked her excitement away last night, realizing that Jane just wasn't up for acting on her own arousal, too many variables and unknowns involved for the detective to commit.

But now…with their previous night's talk and all of their agreements and understandings met and honored…now that Maura lay next to the most beautiful woman that she'd ever met and also ever had in her bed…the only woman that she had ever loved completely in her entire life…she was finding it hard to keep her own secret, vowing to herself before they had fallen asleep last night that she would wait to reveal it…letting Jane sleep as long as she wanted or was able.

It was a secret that none of her recent previous visitors were privy to, nor would any casual overnight guest ever be, their timely exits from Maura's house not allowing it. Her own insistence that they leave before breakfast assuring it.

The doctor took a deep breath and licked her lips, impatiently waiting for Jane to wake on her own.

The secret that Maura was trying to keep hidden now for the sake of Jane's extra rest was that she loved morning sex more than anything.

And she desperately hoped that Jane did, too.

R&I R&I R&I

"Maura…are you seriously being this cliché right now?" Jane asked, taking a deep breath and curling her hands closer into her chest. She didn't open her eyes, but yawned widely, pulling the doctor's feet closer to herself with her own, then throwing her leg over Maura's and tucking her foot behind her knee possessively.

Maura, surprised that Jane was awake, was startled and then confused.

"I don't understand what you are asking me." She whispered. "And how am I being… _cliché_?"

Jane opened one eye and stared at Maura briefly before closing it again, smiling and confirming her gut feeling.

"Are you really laying there watching me sleep?"

Maura answered immediately, no sense of embarrassment whatsoever.

"Yes, I am. But I still don't understand how that is in any way considered cliché. By who's standards? And name your sources, please."

Jane snickered quietly, eyes still closed.

"By any sappy, romantic _cliché'd_ movie I've ever been forced to watch. Those are the standards _and_ my sources all rolled up into one."

Jane licked her dry lips, her mouth gummy with sleep. She wished she had a swallow of water to clear it out, knowing that Maura had already done that.

Maura realized that Jane was once again amusing herself at her own expense. Under prior circumstances, she might've been either angry, confused or nonplussed. Now, however, she was only steadfast, this new confirmed relationship giving her her own confidence.

"Well, if those sappy and romantic movies ever mentioned the corrugator supercilii muscle…then I understand and agree."

Jane opened one eye again and then the other, then focused both on the doctor, blinking rapidly, trying to clear the sleep from them.

"Really, Maura? This early in the day? You're gonna start with the Latin muscle names? And on our first morning together, too?"

"Yes. This early and on our first."

Jane laughed quietly but was still curious, closing her sleepy eyes again, taking a deep breath, then stretching languidly and returning to her previous sleeping position slowly.

Maura watched her with hooded, aroused eyes.

"Why are you watching me sleep, Maur?"

"I've already said why."

Jane sighed loudly and then moved both of her hands up to grasp the front of Maura's pajama top gently. Maura covered them with her own.

"Can you tell me again, please?"

Maura smiled then slowly moved her forefinger up to Jane's forehead and swiped it slowly and lightly between her eyes softly, following the line of her nose to its tip, then tucking her hand around Jane's again, bringing them both up under her chin.

"Because when you sleep… _really_ sleep…your corrugator supercilii muscle finally relaxes. It's a rare occurrence and a treat for me. I never get to see you like this unless you are completely exhausted. And even then, you are still slightly restless. Last night and this morning...you were neither."

Jane smiled slightly, confused but intrigued, and reached up with her forefinger and touched the space in between her own eyebrows that Maura had just traced and creased them once, then twice, feeling the muscles moving under her finger.

She dropped her hand back to the bed with a thump, sighing loudly.

"Jesus, Maura. Enough with the Latin already. It's too early for this. Sometimes just say what you mean in a language I can understand, please. You never get to see me like what?"

Maura lightly touched the space between Jane's brows once more before returning her hand to cover Jane's.

"Serene. Relaxed. Languid. Can you understand that?"

Jane opened her eyes, a small loving smile forming.

"Languid? Seriously? I was being…languid?"

Maura nodded, smiling as well.

"Languid."

"Are you going to do this every morning from now on? Stare at me while I sleep?"

Maura shrugged, reaching up and placing her forefinger on Jane's chin.

"That depends. Are you going to make fun of me every time I do?"

Jane snickered, reaching up and taking Maura's hand, kissing the finger that previously rested on her chin, pulling it into her chest, snuggling into the pillow a little further.

"No. I won't. Don't be mad at me, Maura. It's early. And it's my day off. And I really just want to sleep a little more. I thought we were sleeping in."

"You can sleep as long as you like. Keep in mind that I didn't wake you in the first place. You woke up on your own."

She paused.

"And I'm not mad at you."

Jane opened her eyes, finding Maura's before smiling slowly and sheepishly.

"I'm glad." She took a deep cleansing breath and spoke softly.

"And just so you know…to even the… _cliché_ playing field…I've watched you sleep, too."

Maura's eyes lit up.

" _Really_?! I thought I was being intrusive even though you were sleeping and would never know!"

Jane laughed, finding Maura's shining eyes and holding them, hooking her foot over Maura's knee and pulling her leg closer.

"Only you would worry about watching someone while they slept and thought you were being…intrusive."

She reached up and touched Maura's cheek.

"You are so beautiful. And I would kiss you…but I need to brush my teeth first."

Maura beamed, her eyes lighting up.

" _Why_?! I want to kiss you, too! I was just trying to let you sleep!"

Jane laughed at Maura's enthusiasm.

"Because you already brushed yours. And that's not fair."

Maura stammered as she tried to deny it, knowing it was useless to try and openly lie.

"How did you know?"

Jane reached up and touched her own nose.

"Because you smell minty fresh. And I smell like a garbage can. And that is not how I want you to remember our first morning kiss."

Maura laughed, leaning in and licking her lips.

"I don't care."

Jane reached up and held Maura's face gently.

"But I do…and I really have to pee. Don't tell me that you didn't already do that too, Maur."

Maura laughed, nodding and leaning back and away from Jane, understanding her necessity.

"I did."

Jane nodded knowingly, slowly disengaging herself from Maura, throwing the covers off of them both as she moved over Maura and off of the bed.

She stood in the darkened room, looking at the beautiful woman laying in front of her, smiling, incredulous that she was not actually dreaming.

She had studied Maura in the dark, her eyes glinting.

"No more cheating."

" _What_?!" Maura exclaimed. "How is it possible that I've cheated on you if this has been our first night together as a couple?"

She paused before adding, "And we haven't even consummated our…"

Jane leaned over and kissed Maura's forehead before standing and making her way quickly to the toilet, her bladder full and demanding release, saying over her shoulder…

"You not only brushed your teeth before I woke up, but you pee'd, too. _That's_ considered cheating!"

Maura, relieved, laughed softly and licked her lips as she watched Jane walk toward the bathroom, her morning arousal alive and growing, the barely visible visage of the tall detective adding fuel to her fire.

Jane clicked on the bathroom light, running her hand through her hair and stretching again, her tall lithe body in full view, before she disappeared from sight.

Her silhouette was astounding.

Maura was breathless.

Jane was oblivious.

Maura was suddenly beyond aroused. She was now on fire.


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry for the long delay in between posts. I've tried to get away from the A/N before my stories lately, but I feel I must explain my absence. Not to get too bogged down in the details, but I find myself out of work through no fault of my own. The company that I have worked for diligently and happily for the past six and a half years suddenly decided to declare bankruptcy...January 2nd...with no warning and no remorse. To say that I was taken by surprise is the understatement of the fucking century. They changed the locks before I could even get my personal belongings out of my store. So...my muse has been decidedly** _ **persona absentia**_ **for the past month or so. Anyway...thanks for hanging in there with me. I never stopped thinking about this story.**

Chapter 17

Maura lay on her back, hands folded across her stomach, head turned toward the bathroom, absentmindedly fingering the buttons on the front of her pajama top. She had a slight smile on her face and her eyes were bright and shining. Even though she couldn't see Jane directly, she could hear her and could see her shadow dancing on the ceiling as she washed her hands and then began methodically brushing her teeth.

Jane finally completed this process with a loud and overly dramatic gargling of Maura's mouthwash at the end, the detective never bothering to bring hers over from her apartment, knowing that the doctor didn't mind if she used her own.

Maura rolled her eyes and snickered to herself as Jane spit into the basin and then voiced aloud… "Ahhhh…minty, yet...not _too_ minty."

The water ran again and Maura presumed Jane was rinsing out the sink, a ritual that Maura performed after every use, her training as a doctor dictating her cleanliness.

She was surprised and pleased that Jane had picked up this habit, even though she had her own basin, the master bathroom already completely equipped for two.

It might work in her favor when she asked Jane to move in with her, her reasoning twofold.

The first being that Jane obviously would need her own space and the second that cleanliness was the ideology that the doctor based most of her adult life upon.

However, she'd never really had many opportunities to observe Jane's own personal hygiene rituals. She knew that Jane was fastidious and discerning...after all, she was always clean and smelled good...but since she was also always late performing them when they were together, Maura had never had the chance to observe them directly.

The detective and her frequent, frantic and unorganized morning routine was just sometimes too much for the doctor to sit through.

Maura always retreated from not only Jane's bathroom before they were completed, but from her own as well, the unnecessary morning drama almost frustrating for her.

She'd explained too often to Jane that if she would just get up when her alarm initially sounded, the rest of her day would go just as smoothly.

Jane always laughed every time she attempted to rebut, usually in the car on the way to the station, her sarcasm there, her irritation sometimes evident, but a hint of humor always suffusing everything.

" _My life is nothing if it's not crazy, Maura. C'mon...you know this. Shit! You_ know _this! It gives me my edge! God, I'm not like you, okay? I_ neeeeed _a little chaos. Just...chill out, will ya?!"_

Maura always tried to "chill out" every time Jane had asked her to. But it always nagged at her that Jane had no routine that she would follow to start the day out on the right foot, her own life at times fiercely regimented, Jane being her only relief from that regiment.

And a welcomed relief, for sure.

She still wasn't convinced that it had any bearing on the reason why she fell in love with the detective in the first place.

Chaos was not a tenet to which she easily subscribed.

However, it was just another concession that the M.E. gladly made to share Jane's life, even if it was the exact opposite of her own. Because _that_ was a tenet to which Maura _could_ easily subscribe.

After all, opposites _do_ attract. Science said so. And that was enough for her.

Presently, Jane completed her unseen production by taking another deep breath and exhaling loudly, but then speaking to herself so softly that Maura could barely hear.

"This is really happening, Jane. Chill out, will ya."

Maura smiled again and waited anxiously as Jane finished her ablutions, the detective making her way to the bathroom door, leaning against the jamb, the soft light behind her silhouetting her long tall form perfectly.

She crossed her arms over her stomach and stood silent, her head tilted, eyes presumably on Maura herself.

Maura couldn't see her face or the expression on it, the dark room and the light behind her making it impossible. She smiled, taking a deep breath of her own and turned over onto her side in the bed, pulling one knee up into her belly and her hands under her chin, trying to discern Jane's mood from her body language. She felt slightly exposed, Jane having earlier thrown the bed linens off of both of them as she left the bed, her need to empty her bladder and brush her teeth dictating her quick exit.

Maura didn't cover herself in Jane's absence, hoping that the sheets and comforter could remain where they were, at the foot of the bed, the invitation silent but clear.

Now, however, as Jane leaned silently against the door jamb, it seemed that she was being intentionally obtuse...waiting.

' _Jane is detecting again.'_ Maura thought briefly, her heart beginning to flutter. ' _She's waiting to see what I'm going to do. Sherlock Rizzoli is alive and well and standing in front of me. Now I know how a suspect must feel when she's standing in front of them in the box, waiting for the interrogation to begin. Like a fly stuck on a pin.'_

Maura could sense Jane's intentions as she enjoyed the view of the detective leaning, and seemingly completely relaxed, in her favorite pair of sleeping boxer shorts and the ubiquitous grey muscle tee.

But she knew that Jane was ever aware, watching and wary.

Maura's libido threatened to overcome her sensible self. She knew that she had to remain calm and relaxed, mirroring Jane's own façade.

It was the hardest thing that she had ever had to do.

Because there was no sexier being on the planet than an alert, yet somehow informal Jane in her boxer shorts, the feminine and masculine side of the detective melding perfectly together.

The fact that the gorgeous wearer of said boxers always seemed completely oblivious to her appeal only added to it.

Maura knew that Jane mostly only cared about comfort and fit, occasionally about style and rarely, if ever, about perception.

But as much as the doctor loved Jane in her boxers, boy shorts and in the winter, her sweat pants, she longed to see her in other underthings. _Frilly_ underthings. She knew Jane owned them...she couldn't have gotten away with that sexy little black dress unless she had at least _one_ pair of _panties_.

If she only knew how many times Maura had mentally pictured her in a sexy silk camisole, or sometimes even a corset, pulled _tight_ , her perfectly proportionate breasts spilling out of the top of it, Maura's own fingers on the laces, ready and willing to release _everything…_

A raspy and amused voice broke through her reverie.

" _Now_ who's pondering?" Jane asked, the smile evident in her voice, her face still in the shadows.

Maura laughed, caught. "I am not pondering."

Jane remained still.

"I beg to differ, Doctor. You _are_ pondering...and pondering _hard_!"

Maura laughed again, her eyes still shining, focused wholly on the silhouette in front of her. She repeated herself.

"I'm not pondering...I'm... _fantasizing_."

Jane chuckled, shaking her head, crossing her arms over her chest, unconsciously attempting to cover herself, never one to enjoy being the center of anyone's attention...even Maura's. She was quiet for a moment, her heart beginning to beat a little faster, contemplating her next words, knowing that they would be leading.

"About what?" She asked softly, her attraction to Maura overcoming her own embarrassment.

She answered immediately, wanting Jane to see herself in the same way that Maura did.

"About you...and how stunning you are." She hesitated, thinking. "Even when you're fresh from bed, hair all...tousled...and just standing there in your sleeping clothes."

Maura could sense the blush settling on Jane's face even though she couldn't see it.

Jane reached up and self-consciously ran her hand through her disheveled mane, then once again crossed her arms over her chest.

She quickly laughed, looking down and gesturing to her makeshift pajamas, doing her best to sound glib.

"What? _These_ old things?"

Maura joined in her laughter.

"Yes. _Those_ old things." Maura took a deep breath.

There were a few seconds of silence between them both before Jane broke it, her heart now pounding, her own arousal beginning to bolster her boldness.

"So...what are you... _fantasizing_ about, Doctor? I don't need specifics. Generalizations will do just fine."

Maura, once again, answered immediately and honestly.

"About a lot of things...but right now...how I'd like to see you standing there...just where you are...wearing a silk teddy and a pair of matching panties."

Jane chuckled, but didn't move. A part of her enjoyed hearing about this fantasy. She would've never entertained such an outfit before Maura's suggestion, even though many of her past lovers had tried to get her into the stereotypical male fantasy of a woman in lingerie.

She'd tried to give into these past fantasies before, but always balked in the end, feeling foolish and somewhat used, even dirty, like an object.

Sometimes her feelings were unfounded...sometimes not.

But with Maura, it was different. She was not only flattered and surprised, but she also enjoyed that Maura saw her in this light and maybe she even wanted to fulfill her fantasy at some future point in this new relationship.

She knew that Maura would never make her feel like she was being used or like she was just a means to an end. She knew that Maura respected her. Maura wanted her and...maybe even _needed_ her.

But for sure...Maura loved her.

Jane tried to mentally make a note to remember this feeling...it was a first.

She also realized and accepted that _she_ was in love...and that that love was being wholeheartedly returned.

However, she still couldn't let Maura know that she was feeling this way, her pride and bravada always ruling her actions, old habits dying hard.

So she did what she always did.

She fell back into her sarcasm.

"Please tell me you aren't picturing me in a pair of those tiny little things that you wear where your ass hangs out. You know the ones you're always buying online. Overpriced and loaded with lace and corporate greed. I mean...how can someone charge that much for that little piece of fabric anyway?"

Jane had only briefly glimpsed in person Maura wearing a pair of the undergarments in question once while the M.E. had changed clothes at work, the doctor's personal bathroom door inadvertently left open while she replaced her morgue clothes with her "civvies."

Jane had averted her eyes slower than she should have and not before the mental picture was burned into her brain like a brand. At times, it had become a recurring visual, running on a loop for the detective.

Maura standing there, her back to Jane as she slid her skirt up, her amazing ass briefly in full view.

At the time, she enjoyed it more than she should have.

Jane swallowed before she asked, licking her lips.

"What are they called?"

"Thongs, Jane. They are called thongs." Maura answered, her mind drifting briefly to a fresh mental fantasy of Jane standing in front of her, wearing a pair of lacy, deep maroon French cut panties, her full muscular buttocks on full view in the mirror behind her, just waiting to be cupped.

Suddenly, both were indulging in secret fantasies.

"I wear them because they don't show any panty lines and because I find them to be comfortable and...sexy. Even if I'm the only one who sees them."

Silence from Jane, but she shifted ever so slightly and took a quiet breath.

"Butt floss."

"Excuse me?"

"Butt floss. That's what your panties are. And I hate butt floss, Maura. They're ridiculous and uncomfortable. What misogynistic man thought those things up?! Something that goes right up the crack of your ass?!"

Maura suddenly realized what Jane was doing. She was deflecting and putting off the inevitable. The doctor decided to get this conversation back on track, disregarding Jane's obvious attempt to draw her into a debate on the masculine/feminine agenda.

This morning held so much more promise.

She was silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts, before she held her hand out to the detective, settling on the straightforward tack.

"Come back to bed, Jane." She smiled. "You said you wanted to kiss me earlier. My minty fresh breath is wearing off."

Jane took another deep lungful of air before quickly flipping of the bathroom light, the darkness engulfing them both.

Maura felt Jane's hand take her own and then they were sharing a bed once again.

R&IR&IR&I

The awkwardness only lasted seconds before they were both fully immersed and engaged in the moment, limbs intertwined, mouth on mouth, breathing labored and heavy.

The covers were now on the floor having been inadvertently kicked completely off the bed, two fully clothed bodies hotly moving against one another.

"Jane." Maura breathed into her paramour's ear. "I want to touch you."

Jane continued kissing and sucking on Maura's neck, intent on returning the "hickey" favor, not because she was vindictive or immature but just because the doctor's neck tasted so good and it felt so right to just suck there.

Maura repeated herself a little more forcefully, hands in Jane's hair.

"Jane! I want to touch you."

Jane reluctantly broke away from Maura's neck, finding her eyes, the early morning sun now barely peeking its way around the fortifications that the doctor had erected just for Jane.

"You _are_ touching me." She whispered heavily, kissing Maura's chin, confused, eager to get back to her earlier endeavor, Maura's slender neck beckoning.

Maura gently yet feverishly pulled Jane up and into her mouth, repeating her wish.

"Please stop being obtuse. You know what I mean."

She punctuated her words by slipping her hand under Jane's shirt and cupping one of her breasts, kneading it gently.

Jane inhaled quickly but didn't protest. The feeling of Maura's hand on her body felt so warm and so...right. She pushed her chest into the doctor's hand, pulling Maura closer into her body.

Maura took this as an invitation. She found Jane's mouth again, her fingers finding Jane's nipple, feeling its hardness and lightly rolling it between her thumb and forefinger, then palming it softly.

Jane moaned loudly, whispering hotly against the doctor's neck, moving herself closer into her beloved.

"Oh, God. Maur...Maura…"

They lay side by side, Jane's own hands moving down the doctor's body, actively studying her curves tacitly, still unsure of how far this encounter was going to go, but now completely on board for the ride.

They kissed deeply, hands exploring one another furtively.

Maura, taking her cue from Jane's permission, moved her palm down the detective's toned stomach, fingers toying with the waistband of her shorts. When she wasn't rebuked, she slid her hand inside them slightly, then further, her fingers sliding gently over smooth skin, then encountering a small patch of close cropped hair. She scratched it slowly, enjoying the sound her fingernails made running over it.

Jane inhaled, but didn't protest, instead pushing her hips closer into Maura's body.

The doctor was always curious as to how Jane maintained her pubic area having never seen her completely nude before. She was pleased and intrigued. She wanted to know more.

She also knew that if she slid her middle finger down ever so slightly, she would be able to massage Jane's clitoral hood and the engorged bud just underneath it.

Jane exhaled loudly, her body shaking slightly. She found her way to Maura's neck again, nipping at it lightly.

Maura slowly moved her hand out of Jane's boxers and back to her breast, kissing her again.

As badly as she wanted to just take Jane, she wanted to make this moment memorable...for both of them, knowing it was Jane's first experience with a woman, but also knowing that she loved this _particular_ woman and that this was a first for she herself, as well.

She'd had sex with many women before Jane...but Jane was the only one she had ever been in love with... _would_ ever be in love with.

Jane pulled Maura closer, her own hands wandering over her pajamas, finding Maura's butt, her ample firm breasts, her erect nipples. She toyed with them lightly over her shirt, infatuated, having only fantasized about this before, never dreaming that she'd ever get the opportunity to bring that fantasy into reality. She buried her face into the M.E.'s neck again, her hand cupping her butt and pulling her close.

She slid her thigh in between Maura's legs, pulling her closer, rolling her hips, their centers grinding slightly together for the first time.

The doctor moaned loudly.

Jane's heart jumped at the sound of it, never even remotely thinking she would ever hear it outside of her fantasies.

She was unprepared and completely delighted...and also thrilled.

' _God, she sounds so...perfect. Better than I ever imagined.'_

Maura unexpectedly and quickly disengaged herself from Jane and rolled onto her back, beginning to unbutton her top, anxious for Jane's hands to be on her body directly.

Jane protested, caught off guard, her mind still reliving Maura's sudden vocalizations.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

Maura froze, confused, unsure if she'd misinterpreted Jane's signals, the probability almost inconceivable.

She was doing the math in her head when Jane smiled shyly, her fingers finding the remaining unbuttoned buttons, leaning over on her elbow above the doctor.

"I want to do that. Can I?"

Maura replied slyly, her voice dripping with seduction.

"I don't know. Can you?"

Jane rolled her eyes, shaking her head, smiling shyly.

Maura smiled and moved her hands away, allowing Jane full access to her top. She watched Jane intently as she quickly unfastened the buttons, but left her shirt intact and unopened.

Jane took another deep breath, eyes moving from the buttons to Maura's eyes then back again.

"Well? Jane?" Maura whispered, quivering with desire but respectful of Jane and this moment. She reached up and touched Jane's face, cupping her jaw. "Are you okay?"

Jane looked back up and into Maura's eyes, nodded and then focused on her shirt again, running her finger tips down the front, then gently opening it, one side and then the other, revealing the most beautiful breasts she'd ever seen.

She inhaled quickly but quietly, licking her lips unconsciously.

"Jesus."

Maura smiled again, repeating her earlier permission before Jane needed to ask, her hands moving into Jane's hair.

"You can touch me, Jay." She whispered. "Baby, please touch me."

Jane, needing no further encouragement, kissed Maura again, moving her body over Maura's, her hands and mouth finally finding her breasts.

She pulled one nipple into her mouth, tentative at first, but then hearing Maura's enthusiasm, sucking on it, pulling it in deeper, feeling its hardness push against the top of her throat, wanting to feed from the woman that she adored, knowing that it was impossible, but wanting it nonetheless.

She then slowly kissed her way across the doctor's sternum before repeating her actions, Maura's nipples like small gems begging to be polished.

Maura pushed her chest into Jane's mouth, cradling her head, her fingers intertwined in the unruly, yet, impossibly soft crown of hair, her lower body searching for some traction...some friction.

They rocked against each other for many minutes, moans filling the quiet room, sweat being cooled by the ceiling fan.

Maura finally took control, her need for Jane coming to a head. She forcefully turned Jane onto her back and straddled her, quickly discarding her open pajama top, tossing it towards the closet.

She leaned over Jane, hands on either side of her shoulders, full breasts dangling close and inviting, her breathing rapid.

She leaned down and kissed Jane once, soft but brief, moving back above her.

Jane quietly moved her hands to Maura's hips, unsure of what what about to happen but more unsure of what was expected of her.

Maura spoke first.

R&IR&IR&I

"I want you, Jane." She whispered, moving one of Jane's hands up to cup her breast, the feel of the detective's warm palm cradling her a catalyst.

"I want to make love to you."

Jane cupped Maura's perfect breast, moving her hand upward, feeling its weight, the hard nipple pushing into her palm. She gently kneaded its fullness, moving her other hand up to mirror the first.

She palmed Maura's breasts, sitting up and kissing her neck again as the honey blonde briefly arched into Jane's hands, settling back onto the detective's lap.

Maura moaned again, grinding her center into Jane, giving away her intention, leaning down and kissing her deeply.

She broke the kiss and whispered hotly into her ear, her hand finding its way between them and down Jane's toned stomach once again, slipping into her boxers.

"I want to taste you."

Jane inhaled deeply as Maura's dexterous middle finger gently yet immediately found her clit, massaging it briefly before slowly sliding lower, cupping her sex, then dipping into her body, once... then twice, coating her finger thoroughly, then retreating.

Maura was surprised and pleased to find that Jane's labia were clean shaven, her curiosity finally assuaged.

She leaned back, still stradling Jane, finding her eyes.

Jane watched her, wide eyed, everything about this entire encounter a first, her hands still cupping the M.E.'s breasts. She moved them slowly down and around Maura's waist.

Maura licked the tip of her finger, gauging Jane's reaction.

When Jane appeared pleased, she pushed it into her mouth, sucking on it softly, licking her lips when she was done and then leaning over Jane again, repeating herself.

"Jane. I want to taste you."

Jane reached up and took Maura's face in her hands and brought it down into her own, kissing her deeply, then deadpanning breathlessly.

"Okay. But I feel like I need to shower first."

Maura laughed into Jane's mouth, moving her onto her back, whispering as she slid hand into Jane's boxer shorts, her fingers dancing over her center lightly.

"Uh, uh. You showered less than nine hours ago."

Maura then decidedly began kissing her way down Jane's body, lifting her shirt with her free hand, licking and sucking her breasts.

"I want to taste _you_ , Jane. _Not_ my body wash."

"Jeeez!" Jane protested out of habit, closing her eyes, the feeling of Maura's mouth on her body almost too much. Her own body moved against Maura's in a most satisfying way, showing her hand, but not caring.

She whispered softly.

"I told you that you were bossy."

Maura laughed quietly and hooked her thumbs into the hem of Jane's boxers, pushing them down to Jane's knees, looking up and smiling, eyebrows raised.

"Once again, I'll remind you that you don't know how quite bossy I can be."

Jane smiled back and worked her boxers down herself, kicking them off entirely towards Maura's closet, hoping that they at least landed near Maura's pajama top.

There was a moment of quiet that passed between them...both waiting for the other to protest or object.

The room was filled with heavy hot breathing.

When it didn't happen, Maura took charge, working her way out of her own bottoms, moving atop Jane again and then sliding her hands up Jane's ribs and under her tank, pushing the shirt up over her head and off.

She leaned back on her haunches over Jane's hips, wadding the tee into a ball and moving it up to her nose, eyes on her detective.

She inhaled deeply, pulling the scent of her lover into her lungs, eyes closing as her amygdala did its job, her brain releasing its serotonin, her body following suit.

Jane swallowed audibly, her hands once again on Maura's hips, eyes wide, waiting.

She was acutely aware of the hotness of Maura's center pressed against her own, the doctor's folds fully open and her wetness apparent.

Jane pushed her hips up, hoping to please her, running completely on instinct.

Maura ground down into Jane and said softly, holding Jane's eyes, inhaling again.

"God, you smell so good. You always have."

Jane smiled, slightly awed that Maura was aware of her scent after all these years and slightly peeved at herself that she hadn't even realized it. She slowly moved her palms up the doctor's toned stomach, stopping just below her breasts, pushing her hips into Maura's center again seductively, her arousal climbing.

"Ditto."

Maura laughed out loud and nonchalantly tossed Jane's shirt onto the growing pile, remembering this response from one of Jane's favorite movies.

She leaned over Jane again, hands on either side of the detective's head, a sly smile on her face, her pendulous breasts inches away from Jane's. She began rubbing herself against her lover.

Jane was in awe, Maura inadvertantly and unknowingly fulfilling Jane's dream from the previous night.

Jane continued to hold Maura's eyes with her own, her hands moving back to the honey blonde's hips.

Maura leaned down and paused just above Jane's lips, speaking into her mouth.

"Say it, Jane. Don't say ditto. Don't _ever_ say ditto. This isn't a movie. Just say it."

Jane reached up with her left hand and moved the hair off of Maura's forehead and then ran her fingertips lightly down her smooth alabaster back.

She whispered quietly.

"I love you."

Maura smiled and whispered back.

"And love you, too. Now...relax." She smiled and then moved to Jane's ear, speaking clearly, a smile in her voice and a distinct accent in her words, intentionally quoting another of Jane's favorite movies.

"I'll be back."

R&IR&IR&I

Maura manueverd herself in between Jane's legs, reaching up and taking Jane's hands gently.

She kissed down softly, looking up, trying to gauge Jane's reaction to her actions.

Jane held her eyes tentatively and her hands tightly until Maura gently licked her clitoris. Then the detective's eyes closed and and her mouth opened. She pushed her head back into the pillow, hands gripping Maura's, pulling them unconsciously into her belly.

"Oh, God." She whispered quietly to the ceiling.

She arched her pelvis into Maura's mouth, the doctor's hands still gripping her own firmly.

' _Her mouth is so hot! God...it feels so good!_ She _feels so good!'_

Maura licked slowly but with purpose.

Jane swallowed and arched her pelvis into Maura's mouth, moaning quietly, reveling in the feeling of her newfound lover's tongue as it found its way into her folds and eventually into her body.

She sighed softly, slowly thrusting her hips into Maura's mouth, her orgasm building.

Jane inhaled loudly, releasing Maura's hands, pushing them under the pillow, her body tensing at the sensations that she was experiencing. She concentrated on Maura and her efforts.

She pumped her hips into Maura's mouth, her breathing heavy and fast. She reached down to touch the top of Maura's head, intending to encourage her...to bolster her confidence and enthusiasm.

But she stopped just before she made contact, moving her hand to the side instead.

Maura saw this but didn't slow her pace, she knew Jane was close.

' _C'mon, Jane! This feels sooo fucking good! Just relax and let your body go! Dammit, don't think so much! She loves you for Christ's sake! Just let go! You're so close! SO close!'_

Jane pushed upward into Maura's mouth several more times but then she began to slow, exhaling loudly, frustration evident.

Maura felt the change in Jane and tried to adjust, moving her mouth and tongue where she thought it was needed, inserting one finger, then two, feeling and tasting Jane's warmth and wetness.

She was elated when the detective had suddenly stiffened and moved her legs, gripping her head, almost as if she were trying to push her away, her thrusting stopping altogether.

She thought Jane's orgasm was eminent.

But, when she didn't feel the contractions around her fingers, she became concerned, wanting only to please Jane.

And then when Jane stopped moving and took several deep breaths, Maura realized what was happening.

She continued her attention briefly before she slowly disengaged, kissing softly up Jane's belly and chest until she reached her chin.

She softly positioned her body over Jane and the detective wrapped her legs around Maura's waist gently, pulling her close.

The doctor moved her hands to either side of Jane's head, opening her palms, her fingers lacing into the detective's hair and cradling her head next to the pillow, their faces inches apart.

Maura's voice was filled with concern and understanding.

"Are you okay?" She whispered, soothingly. "Did I do something? Did I _not_ do something? You know you can tell me if I'm not giving you the right stimulation."

Jane smiled, shaking her head, her frustration evident.

She reached up and touched Maura's face. She whispered softly, embarrassed but mirroring Maura's concern.

"No. You were doing just fine. _Really_ fine! More than fine. _Fantastic_ , in fact!"

Jane chuckled with frustration.

"It's not you, Maur. It's me."

Maura's brow furrowed.

"I don't understand." She said, even though she suspected.

Jane laughed to herself, rolling her eyes and looking away from Maura.

"God, this is embarrassing."

Maura moved off of Jane and onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow, eyes on her paramour, listening quietly, waiting.

She traced her finger over Jane's jawline once, then gave her some space, moving her free hand up between her own breasts.

"Tell me, Jay." She whispered, her eyes intensely trained on Jane's profile...the detective's eyes focused on the ceiling, jaw clenching.

The room was a pleasing and tranquil color of soft blue, the sun up but still unable to make its way completely around the blinds and curtains.

Maura tried to say in the moment, knowing that Jane was in possible crisis, but a part of her mind uncontrollably went to what her eyes were seeing.

' _She's_ _so_ _stunning_. _And_ _she_ _will_ _never_ _believe_ _me_ , _no_ _matter_ _how_ _many_ _times_ _I_ _tell_ _her.'_

Jane moved her hands from under the pillow and across her stomach, palms flat, her breathing deep and determined. She moved her foot over and touched Maura's.

Maura smiled, accepting the warmth that Jane was giving her, but not pressing or pressuring.

Jane took one more deep, cleansing breath, exhaling loudly.

"I...I. Shit! I've never had an orgasm with anyone but myself."

Jane quickly interjected before Maura could speak.

"I want to! _God_! I want to! And I was _so_ close with you, Maura!"

Another deep breath.

"But...I don't know what happened. I was almost there and then…"

Jane began apologizing immediately.

"I swear it's not you! Please, don't think you did anything wrong! You were doing everything just right...I…"

Maura quickly took Jane's hand, pulling it to her lips, kissing her fingers softly.

"Shhhhhh…" she whispered. "Jane. It's okay."

Maura smiled understandingly, her eyes finding Jane's.

"It's o-kay."

Maura had been petrified that she was doing something wrong. But now, even though this was a clear problem that Jane was experiencing, Maura knew that with the right attention and the right amount of patience and understanding, it could be resolved.

She knew that Jane was physically able to have an orgasm, the detective herself telling her so.

The girlfriend in her was sad but the doctor in her was relieved and began formulating a remedy.

It had to be a mental complication.

Jane might be thinking too much during sex...so much so that she was inadvertently short-circuiting her own orgasm. It was a common problem in women under stress.

All of this new information lined up in her mind. She tried to comfort her new paramour, wanting nothing more than to help her detective.

"Jane…"

She was cut off, Jane as always, was one step ahead, sometimes jumping to the wrong conclusion before the problem had even been presented or clarified.

Her voice started out soft but rose with each sentence, as did her temper.

"Maura, please don't. Please, don't try to fix me, okay? I've had enough of people trying to do that to me. I don't need to be fixed, alright? I've gone through a lot of shit, I know! But I don't need to be fixed!"

Maura's feelings were hurt, but she understood why Jane said what she said and the anger behind it.

After Hoyt, that is all everyone around Jane had tried to do.

They'd tried to fix her.

They'd danced around the event, looked at her sideways, doubted her abilities, whispered behind her back and sent her to shrinks.

Then when she shot herself to save her brother, they did the same, but more because she also shot herself to save _her_...

Maura needed to clarify and separate herself from all of those people...from everyone else...from that horrible time so many years ago.

But she also needed Jane to know that she was _there_ when some of this trauma happened and she remembered her sacrifices and the lives she'd saved, her own included...and since then, more than once.

She reached out gingerly and touched Jane's side. When Jane didn't protest she gently touched the faded scar on Jane's stomach, tracing it lightly. Then she touched the imperceptible scars on the back of Jane's hands, one at a time, as they lay across her stomach.

She gently turned Jane's palms up, one and then the other. She lightly traced those scars, as well.

Jane was quiet but wary as Maura did this, her breathing deep, eyes still on the ceiling, the tingling in her heart and stomach threatening to kill her, the stress of losing the one thing she'd always dreamed of so close…

One lone tear leaked out of the corner of Jane's eye and ran quickly down her face and into her ear. She blinked but didn't move, her throat aching with the rest of the unshed tears...tears she refused to let fall.

Maura gently turned Jane's hands back over onto her stomach, pleased that the detective let her do all of this. She then moved her own hand back and away from Jane, but slid her leg closer, now more than just their feet touching.

She whispered quietly into the dim room, eyes fixed on her love, head still propped in her hand and up on her elbow, her own heart aching with Jane's self imposed suffering.

"I'm not trying to fix you, Jane." She leaned over and gently kissed Jane's shoulder, softly. "I don't think you are broken. I never did."

 **Well, there it is. I'm using my new format so I really don't know how long this chapter is compared to my last since this format measures pages and words differently. If it's too short or too long...I don't know what to tell ya. If you like this though, please let me now. I'm not one to pander...but I need something to go right this year. WHO DAT!**


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